Moving Forward

We are already over halfway into January 2019.

It's crazy writing that out that way.

I'm still in shock that 2018 is over and we're almost a month into 2019 already.

2018 ended with me feeling a little scattered and like some things were half finished. I got to do just about everything I wanted to experience around Christmastime and we got to spend a lot of time with loved ones in December, but then I got sick. I think that's why things felt the way they did. I wanted so badly to take that time after Christmas to start organizing my house and my life and get into a better routine. But instead I spent 4 days on the couch, trying to rest so my cold didn't turn into anything worse.

I'm not saying that the resting was bad or that I should have been doing more, but I often beat myself up a little if I rest too much and don't get enough done. Or at least, enough by my own standards.

I didn't get to plan out my goals for 2019 like I wanted to. I didn't get to sit down and really think on 2018 like I wanted to.

And yet, life moves forward. And so do I.

As I type this, it sounds so silly and so petty. Not being able to spend time reflecting and dreaming. But in the moment, it felt like such a big deal.

If you know anything about the enneagram, I'm a 9. Part of being a 9 means that I often stuff my feelings down to keep the peace or because I don't want to deal with the pain or whatever other emotion it brings up. We 9's don't like to rock the boat.

So my being frustrated about not being able to do those things was actually a sign to me of trying to work through my struggles. I shared a little bit in this space about some of the things I've been learning about myself in the past 6ish months. One thing I'm trying to do more of is allowing myself to feel things.

For instance, I re-watched Gilmore Girls for like the 6th or 8th or 10th time (I've seen it a lot). And I re-watched A Year in the Life for the third time (maybe the 4th?). Watching the final episode, I could feel that ball in my throat getting harder and harder as my eyes welled up with tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to fully cry. But I took some deep breaths as I watched the show and I let them come. And that ball in my throat got lighter and lighter. I probably cried for about 10 minutes. And it felt good.

I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to really feel things. I think feeling it, living in it for as long as it takes, is essential for me. I don't want to keep bottling everything up inside. So even things that seem insignificant or petty (like not being able to spend time reflecting on 2018) need to be felt and worked through.

So as we move into 2019, I'm determined to keep working on giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel. The word I chose for 2019 was Rise. I'm ready to rise up, to rise above, to raise my head and feel. And I want to help those around me to do the same.



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For the past 10 years, I've made a point to make a collage of some of my favorite pictures and memories of the year before. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse into 2018. I'm excited to see where 2019 takes me!

Pain and Trauma

I still haven't really decided what I want to do with this space yet.

It's been five months since I've typed up a new blog post, but today I got the itch to write.

I've been reading Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis this month with my Color Street team. I have found many amazing things in this book that have really stuck out to me, but I think the chapter I read today took the cake.

One of the things that really struck me was this:

You cannot ignore your pain. You cannot ever leave it behind completely. The only thing you can do is find a way to embrace the good that came out of it - even if it takes you years to discover what that is (chapter 15: The Lie: I will never get past this).

One of the things I've been learning about myself over the past 2.75 years that I've been doing myofascial release therapy is that I have literally been responding to trauma and painful situations the same way my entire life: I freeze or stiffen up. I was reminded this week while at one of my appointments of a painful experience that happened in my childhood.

I was in elementary school and was literally in a constant state of headache. My mom took me to the doctor and they ran a bunch of tests. One was some sort of CT scan. I believe it was a contrast CT, because I was being injected with some kind of liquid when this painful experience took place. The man injecting me was having an issue finding my vein, and instead of pulling it out and trying again, he was moving the needle in my arm back and forth to try to find it. Honestly, it was one of the most painful things I've ever had to endure! I literally could not move that arm for three days after. It was bent against my abdomen, like your arm would be if it's in a sling.

As I was recalling this story, my myofascial therapist responded, "So your reaction to pain has always been to stiffen up".

I don't know why I never put those two pieces together, but I realize now that she was right. Every time I've been in a painful situation, I have made myself stiff so as not to feel the pain, or at least not to feel it fully. And whatever brought on this intense stiffness that I'm experiencing now (which is more than likely my body responding to years of this), has been much more intense than those 3 days or any other episode ever were.

Knowing this information now, and realizing that this has been a pattern of mine my whole life, I'm more determined than ever to break these habits. I often notice that even when I don't realize it, some area of my body is not relaxed. Sometimes it requires a lot of energy for me to relax and let go of whatever muscles I'm holding on to. And it's not even because of something super traumatic! I have just conditioned my body that this is how I am supposed to react to negative situations.

So where do I go from here? What do I take away from this revelation and the words I read tonight? That I need to acknowledge my pain, feel it, sit in it as long as I need to but also try to see what good possibly came from it. Maybe not every situation in my life is there yet. I'm a work in progress, as we all are, and maybe my body isn't ready for complete healing.

But knowing what I know now, and being more aware of how I've functioned my entire life, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. For many years, I thought I might live with this forever. And while I can't predict the future, I honestly have a lot of faith and hope that this is not going to be my permanent state. I've been in this place for 7.5 years now. Not as severely as I was 2.5 years ago, but it also wasn't as severe as it is now when it started. But I know I have hope that this will change. That I will continue to learn and grow and work on the areas in my life that need work. That I will keep striving forward, tears in my eyes at times, crying through the pain, to be a better version of me. To not be a pain-free version of myself, but a version that doesn't stiffen up and freeze when the pain does come.


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Oh and in case you were wondering, my headaches were caused by the fact that my neck was out of alignment. My mom took me to a chiropractor after the doctors could find nothing wrong with me and my headache went away after a couple of treatments.

Healer

Tonight was amazing.
I have been fighting allergy issues since Wednesday. I was really bummed that I wasn't feeling better today, because I was supposed to sing on the worship team. But, I think God had a different plan tonight.
We had a guest worship leader tonight who was awesome! She introduced a new song. I had been listening to it all week, to be prepared for practice today...but I guess I hadn't really paid much attention to the lyrics. Tonight, as I was preparing to take communion, the words of that song overcome me. I couldn't help but cry as they hit me right where I'm at.

I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need

I'll trust in You

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me and being all I need. I'm sorry I lose sight of that too often.

(If you want to check out the song, it's called Healer and it's by Hillsong. And I wasn't referring to being healed from my allergies, but being healed in other areas of my life)