Over the Top

I went to the Women of Faith conference this weekend (this year's theme was Over the Top).

This was my third year going (you can read about my experiences from past years here and here). Each year has been unique in what I've taken from it and the things God has taught me there.

The worship was amazing, the speakers spoke awesome truths, and I got to spend some time with some wonderful women.



Some of the big points I took away from this weekend were:

• Everything we do makes a difference to the world around us (kind of like the butterfly effect. Even something small that we think won't affect anyone, really will). It really made me think about how I spend my time.

• Our cravings will never be satisfied here on earth, but we will be completely satisfied in heaven (as in, we are constantly looking to the people around us or earthly things to make us feel satisfied in this life, but we will always be wanting more. Nothing is going to make us feel complete here on earth, no matter how hard we try). It really made me think about the things I pursue or chase after in this life, that really have no worth eternally.

• Change can be good. One of the speakers shared that she is one of those people that hates change...unless she's the one doing the changing. And, that is exactly how I feel. But, change can definitely be good sometimes. Without change, we just remain stagnant and can't see the things that God could have in the works for us.

• When we have dreams, and it seems like God is saying no to them, that is not the case. God isn't saying no to our dreams...He's just saying yes to ones we haven't had yet. How cool of a thought is that?

I also had a huge breakthrough on Friday night. Mandisa was up there singing one of her songs, Broken Hallelujah, and I just lost it... At first, I didn't understand why I was so overcome by that song, but God began speaking to my heart as I sat there, literally shaking and sobbing. He told me that I need to stop worrying so much about the people and situations around me, and just focus on Him. I have definitely had some situations in my life recently where I've been letting other things take my focus off Him... I've also been allowing fear to reign in my heart in other areas of my life...and I didn't really realize until that moment how much it was actually affecting me. I just sat there, with tears pouring out of my eyes, letting the words to that song, and the truths God was speaking to me, seep into my heart.

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You
(Broken Hallelujah, Mandisa)

She then began singing Blessed Be Your Name, which, if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, or know me in real life, you'll know it is my favorite worship song. She ended by singing the Heart of Worship...which really hit me as well. At times, I let my worries of what people think of me hinder the way I worship...and I shouldn't. My worship to God is not about the people around me...it's about me giving glory to Him.

(Some of the beautiful women I went with)

There, of course, is so much more that God spoke to me over the weekend...but I will leave you with this:

Never give up.

God knows what you need, He knows all of your hurts and fears, and He loves you still. Never give up...because He will never let go of You.

Have a blessed week, my friends.

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Trust...Revisited

I wrote a blog back in March with a bunch of verses I had looked up that had to do with trusting God.
I have also written many blogs about trusting...in fact, Trust is the most used category in all of my blogs. So, you would think I'd have this trust thing all figured out, right?


Well, you and I would both be wrong.


I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend with some of the women from my church. We had a very large group this year (around 85 of us), though we were split up into a couple of different sections. It was amazing to me, though, that our group of 30 last year multiplied into so many more. It was a fantastic time of tender worship, much needed laughter, amazing teaching, and wonderful concerts. It was a very refreshing end to a week of much needed rest.
One of the main things I came away from the weekend with was the word "Trust". Big surprise, right? One of the things that really hit me about it was something Sheila Walsh said (she is by far my favorite Women of Faith speaker. She was very powerful last year and was extremely powerful again this year). She said that a couple of years ago, if asked what the most important thing every Christian woman needed to do was, it would be to love God more. Now, she says she would say that it's to trust God completely, because out of trust comes that love. You can't truly love someone deeply if you don't trust them.
It was profound to me. It really struck a chord in me, because I think this has been my problem all along. I haven't truly been loving God the way I should be, because there is a part of me that just does not trust Him. It's the part that's been broken, beaten, torn down, discarded, and forgotten. None of these things being God's doing...but more His "not doing"...or at least that's how I always saw it.
The conference went on and many of the other speakers talked about all these horrible things they had been through...and how they had to come to the realization that God is still sovereign...and that through those things, God healed them and mended them in ways they could never have imagined.
I found myself thinking about the state of my heart this past year...the hurts I've hidden, the pain I've experienced, the trust I've lost...in both God and other people. I realized that I have had a veil up, in some of my closest relationships...because if I didn't let those people in, I would never be hurt by them. I didn't even realize I was even living this way until Sheila Walsh described a situation in which her husband confronted her about the very same thing. She wasn't truly loving her husband and son, because if she did, and they hurt her, she would lose all trust in them.
I know I am like this with God. I know I am like this in many other relationships. It's so much easier to live behind the veil, guarding myself from the actions or words that might break me. Yet, it's in those broken moments that God is there, waiting to pick me up, hold me, and help me learn to trust again. So many times, I stuff the feelings inside and deal with them on my own, not needing His help, or anyone else's, for that matter.
It's taken me a couple of days to sit down and process all of this. I came home and got caught up in the things that needed to be taken care of...instead of taking the time to take care of the state of my heart and mind...and taking the time to pour my heart out to God.
I know I am not done in this whole process. I know it's going to take time for me to truly work out what this will look like in my life. I know I need to spend lots of time with God, to learn to truly trust Him so I can learn to deeply love Him. I know I have many relationships that I need to work through and figure out how to trust those people more. And, I know I need to stop holding so many hurts inside and learn to truly let them out and let them go.
I am still longing, with all my heart, to be a mother someday. I know what God has promised me, and yet, I have slowly stopped trusting in His promise...because it hasn't happened. Yet, I read about Abraham and Sarah...and remember the stories of many dear women that I am close to that had to wait 4, 6, 10 years to have their first child...and I think, why I am being so impatient? God has a plan. He has it all ordained and knows exactly when it's going to happen. And I think, someday, when my child is 18 years old, I will look back on these days, and see how perfectly God orchestrated the timing of it all. Maybe Josh and I have more growing to do before the time is right...or maybe some trial is going to come up that I need to go through first before I get pregnant...or maybe God wants to teach me more of what it looks like to be patient and loving so I can demonstrate those things much better to my child. Whatever the reasoning, I am really trying to trust that His best is happening in my life...because I know that is what He wants for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. -Psalm 37:4-5 (NIV)

I don't have all the answers. I definitely don't have everything all figured out. But, I do know that trusting in my Savior is the only thing that is going to help me truly live my life...

Be Still

I feel like I just experienced one of the toughest, but most amazing weeks in my life. This time on Sunday night, I never would have thought I would feel the way I do this very moment. I am probably going to have a really hard time putting it all into words, but here goes...
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...

1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.

I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!