I had a really good conversation with a great friend last night.
Our husbands were busy fixing computer issues, so we had a couple of undivided hours to just talk and hang out. It was so refreshing.
Somehow, we got on the subject of the stars (as in famous people) and how crazy it is the way those of us that aren't stars follow their every move. How we feel the need to know who's dating who, who just divorced, and who got drunk and did something embarrassing again.
Our conversation then shifted to the stars who start out as role models and progressively become more "mature" as the years go on. Since my friend has kids who are very into the Disney channel and Nickelodeon, she was talking about the concerns she has when these "role models" go bad. One day, a singer is promoting abstinence and the next she is flaunting her now fake body for the whole world to see. We even talked about the shows on TV that start off with a Christian family with good morals and two years later, all the kids are hooking up with whoever they can get their hands on.
It got me thinking about how much value we put in life on role models. Whether we realize it or not, all of us, no matter how young or old, have at least one person that we look up to. It may be a singer on American Idol who started off living a life very similar to our own...and gets a great record deal. Or the woman next door who keeps a perfectly clean house...and has the three most well-behaved children around. Or even the guy who works his butt off to lose weight...and succeeds. We all look up to someone and wish we were more like them. And sometimes, it is definitely unintentional.
I then started thinking about the influences we have in our lives. The people we choose to surround ourselves with definitely have an impact on how we act and who we will become. My friend and I were talking about how easy it is to keep sinning or struggling with something when we don't have someone in our lives to confide in and get accountability from. It's like, the fact that no one knows about it keeps us from being embarrassed about it, so it's easy for it to continue. And how, when we allow ourselves to have those open, honest relationships with others, we tend to not struggle as much...or if we do, we will feel guilty about lying about it when asked how things are going.
I know there have definitely been times in my life that I have ignored things I was struggling with and pretended they weren't an issue. I wasn't telling anyone about them either, so it made it easier to continue down the horrible path I was taking. But when I have decided to confide in someone and ask for their prayers and accountability, it makes me feel more free in life. Knowing that someone else knows and will probably be able to tell if I'm lying about it makes it harder to enjoy the temporary happiness it brings.
I think I am finally getting to a point in my life where I am ok with where I've been and who I am right now. I feel good talking about my struggles with others, admitting that I've had problems, and asking for help to move forward. But I also want to be that person for others...and I know I definitely am in some of my friends' lives. I've had to learn that the people I spend the most time with need to be those that are going to help me, not bring me down or make me feel stupid for the decisions I make. And sometimes, that means that I can't just assume that because someone goes to church, that they are the best person for me to spend all my time with. It has to be someone who is serious about their faith, who walks with God every day, and who longs to grow closer to Him. Because that positive influence in my life is so helpful in encouraging me to do what I need to do to get closer to God.
I want to be a good role model... though I know I am not perfect.
I have definitely had my share of struggles, but I want to be able to show others that it's possible to move past things with God's help...and with the help of positive influences in my life.
That is the goal I am shooting for right now.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Break Through
We met with our college group tonight, as we do every Thursday.
And like most Thursdays of late, we had a smaller group.
So many of our students are working or taking night classes and aren't able to be there every week. But, in spite of that, every week we still have great discussions and enjoy spending time with each other.
We finished the book of James tonight. It has been a great journey, in both our Wednesday study and our college group, to read through this book. For being such a short book, James is jam-packed with hard-to-hear but need-to-hear truths.
As we read through the fifth chapter tonight, I enjoyed listening to the discussion around me. The thing I love about smaller groups is that everyone seems to feel a lot more at ease sharing their opinions. I have so enjoyed watching the students in this group grow over the last 7 months. To hear the things they've learned from the passage and to see the lightbulb click on behind their eyes is so exciting to me. And tonight was no different.
I think one of the biggest things they walked away with tonight was found in James 5:16:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
And also verses 19-20:
My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
I don't think it had ever really occurred to them how important it is to have people in your life that you can openly discuss your struggles with and ask for prayer, accountability, and guidance from. It was so great for me to see how excited they were at this concept.
I think it's truly freeing to be that open with another human being. God knows every single thought we think, every time we screw up, and every time we hurt over our sins...and yet, many times, we think we can hide from Him and He won't see it (which is ridiculous, but we still do it all the time). But when another person knows, it's that much harder to hide from it and pretend like it's not there.
There are very few people in my life that know about my struggles, past and present. I definitely try my best to hide the ugly parts of my life from people. But those that do know, those I have shared openly with, I have such a different bond with. I think it's because they know the real me, the true me, the WHOLE me...not just the me I let everyone see. It's so freeing to be that humble with someone, knowing that they want the best for you, and want to help you succeed in your walk. I am so thankful for those amazing people in my life.
I love watching these students experience a break through in their walks with Christ. It's so encouraging and it draws me much closer to the arms of my Savior.
And like most Thursdays of late, we had a smaller group.
So many of our students are working or taking night classes and aren't able to be there every week. But, in spite of that, every week we still have great discussions and enjoy spending time with each other.
We finished the book of James tonight. It has been a great journey, in both our Wednesday study and our college group, to read through this book. For being such a short book, James is jam-packed with hard-to-hear but need-to-hear truths.
As we read through the fifth chapter tonight, I enjoyed listening to the discussion around me. The thing I love about smaller groups is that everyone seems to feel a lot more at ease sharing their opinions. I have so enjoyed watching the students in this group grow over the last 7 months. To hear the things they've learned from the passage and to see the lightbulb click on behind their eyes is so exciting to me. And tonight was no different.
I think one of the biggest things they walked away with tonight was found in James 5:16:
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
And also verses 19-20:
My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
I don't think it had ever really occurred to them how important it is to have people in your life that you can openly discuss your struggles with and ask for prayer, accountability, and guidance from. It was so great for me to see how excited they were at this concept.
I think it's truly freeing to be that open with another human being. God knows every single thought we think, every time we screw up, and every time we hurt over our sins...and yet, many times, we think we can hide from Him and He won't see it (which is ridiculous, but we still do it all the time). But when another person knows, it's that much harder to hide from it and pretend like it's not there.
There are very few people in my life that know about my struggles, past and present. I definitely try my best to hide the ugly parts of my life from people. But those that do know, those I have shared openly with, I have such a different bond with. I think it's because they know the real me, the true me, the WHOLE me...not just the me I let everyone see. It's so freeing to be that humble with someone, knowing that they want the best for you, and want to help you succeed in your walk. I am so thankful for those amazing people in my life.
I love watching these students experience a break through in their walks with Christ. It's so encouraging and it draws me much closer to the arms of my Savior.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dirty Dishes
I think I've realized recently how anal retentive I really am.
I guess I never saw myself as being OCD. I mean, I know that I like to do things a certain way, but I guess I never saw it as being anal or obsessive. I guess this all dawned on me yesterday as I was doing the dishes.
While I was sick this weekend, Josh had helped me out by loading up the dishwasher and making me food and such. There were more dishes in the sink yesterday, so I checked the dishwasher to see how much more I could put in there. But when I opened it up, I couldn't help but notice the way he'd loaded it. The sharp knives were interspersed between the rest of the silverware, the glass cutting board was in there, and he'd put the measuring cups in the silverware spots. While none of these things are horrible, I immediately pulled everything out and re-arranged them the way I would have loaded them. I hand washed the glass cutting board, put all the sharp knives in one of the silverware slots, and put the measuring cups on the top shelf in the dishwasher. I then proceeded to clean up the rest of the kitchen and put everything back in its 'place'.
But I guess the more I thought about it, the more I realized how silly it is for me to be so insistent on certain things being done my way. It wouldn't have hurt any of those items to be washed the way Josh had arranged them. They still would have come out clean and ready for their next use. And then I began to think about how similar this instance is to my relationship with God.
I insist on doing things my way all the time with God. I do whatever I can to make sure things happen the way I want them to...and when something goes wrong, I go to God and ask Him to fix it for me. Whereas if I just let things go and let things happen the way He wants them to, everything would come out great. Just like the dishes in the dishwasher still would have come out great the way Josh put them in there.
Isn't it amazing how God uses the little things in life to teach us lessons? If only I would learn this lesson and not have to keep reliving it all the time. Letting go and losing control...and letting God take over.
This also helped me a lot this week:
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. (James 4:13-17 NIV)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Changes
2010 has definitely proven to be a year full of changes...and we're only in the four month!
I have already spent many fun hours this year listening to my friends and family talking excitedly about the changes taking place in their lives...new places to live, new relationships, babies on the way, new jobs, new and repaired relationships with God...it's so exciting to me! I love hearing about these changes and being able to be a part of them.
It has me thinking about the changes I've personally experienced in the last year and the changes I need to continue to experience. So many times, I find myself either being worried about things I can't and shouldn't worry about, being frustrated and upset at the actions of others that I cannot change, or pre-judging people without truly knowing who they are or why they act the way they do. I am more aware of these faults in myself as I'm learning more and more of what it means to truly follow Christ and live the way He wants me to. I'm learning to bite my tongue when I so desperately want to react to something someone says to me that I do not agree with or think is wrong. I'm learning the right way to respond to those situations, even if it means a confrontation is in order.
I'm also learning more of what it means to be a Godly wife. I always think I'm doing a good job, but then I get slapped across the face with a Godly truth that I have not been living out. I've been getting a lot of slaps from God like that lately...and I'm glad. I definitely need them.
We have been going through James in both my Wednesday Bible study and the college group Josh and I lead. We went through the first part of chapter 4 last week, which hits me so hard in so many different ways. One part that really stands out to me is:
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? (vs. 11-12)
I know there are many times, whether I am reading something someone posted on Facebook or listening to someone talk to me in person, when I instantly judge what they said. Sometimes it is for selfish reasons that I judge, while other times it is because I think what they are saying does not line up with what God would want. But no matter why I judge, I know I shouldn't react when I first read or hear something. Whether what someone is doing is wrong or not, my first reaction will probably always be more hurtful than helpful. I have to step back and think about what the right response would be...whether I should even open my mouth or not. Just as it says earlier in James:
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (3:9-10)
I do not want to praise God and then say something horrible about someone. I want my words to come from God, to be the things He'd want me to say, not the things I think should be said. Sometimes that will mean that I will need to confront someone in love, while other times it will mean just keeping my mouth shut and pushing the feelings aside. Whatever the result, I have to learn to go to God first before I react.
Being a grown-up is no fun sometimes. But other times, it is such a fun ride.
I have already spent many fun hours this year listening to my friends and family talking excitedly about the changes taking place in their lives...new places to live, new relationships, babies on the way, new jobs, new and repaired relationships with God...it's so exciting to me! I love hearing about these changes and being able to be a part of them.
It has me thinking about the changes I've personally experienced in the last year and the changes I need to continue to experience. So many times, I find myself either being worried about things I can't and shouldn't worry about, being frustrated and upset at the actions of others that I cannot change, or pre-judging people without truly knowing who they are or why they act the way they do. I am more aware of these faults in myself as I'm learning more and more of what it means to truly follow Christ and live the way He wants me to. I'm learning to bite my tongue when I so desperately want to react to something someone says to me that I do not agree with or think is wrong. I'm learning the right way to respond to those situations, even if it means a confrontation is in order.
I'm also learning more of what it means to be a Godly wife. I always think I'm doing a good job, but then I get slapped across the face with a Godly truth that I have not been living out. I've been getting a lot of slaps from God like that lately...and I'm glad. I definitely need them.
We have been going through James in both my Wednesday Bible study and the college group Josh and I lead. We went through the first part of chapter 4 last week, which hits me so hard in so many different ways. One part that really stands out to me is:
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? (vs. 11-12)
I know there are many times, whether I am reading something someone posted on Facebook or listening to someone talk to me in person, when I instantly judge what they said. Sometimes it is for selfish reasons that I judge, while other times it is because I think what they are saying does not line up with what God would want. But no matter why I judge, I know I shouldn't react when I first read or hear something. Whether what someone is doing is wrong or not, my first reaction will probably always be more hurtful than helpful. I have to step back and think about what the right response would be...whether I should even open my mouth or not. Just as it says earlier in James:
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (3:9-10)
I do not want to praise God and then say something horrible about someone. I want my words to come from God, to be the things He'd want me to say, not the things I think should be said. Sometimes that will mean that I will need to confront someone in love, while other times it will mean just keeping my mouth shut and pushing the feelings aside. Whatever the result, I have to learn to go to God first before I react.
Being a grown-up is no fun sometimes. But other times, it is such a fun ride.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Mid-Twenties
My little sister turned 24 today.
She posted on her Facebook about how she felt old...because she's almost in her mid-twenties. I thought it was kind of funny, but I just sort of shrugged it off. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am in my mid-twenties. I am right there, in the midst of it all.
I don't think I got the opportunity this year to really contemplate my birthday and getting older...and turning 25. With everything that was going on with my uncle and my crazy obsessive three months, I don't think I truly stopped to ponder what it means to be 25. I am in my mid-twenties. I am no longer closer to being a teenager than I am to 30. I am well on my way there. Less than 5 years away.
So I started thinking about where I was at 20, 5 years before now. How different my life was back then. Josh and I became friends and started dating when I was 20. I experienced that wonderful "first kiss" with him that year. We dated...broke up...got back together...broke up...got back together that year. But the day I turned 20, I had no idea any of that would happen. I never would have guessed that 5 years from that day, I would be married to Josh, who I barely even knew at the time. In fact, I remember on that birthday, I had given up the idea of having a boyfriend for awhile. I had been single for a year and a half and had been hoping to find Mr. Right in the near future. But when I turned 20, I gave it up to God and said, "Whenever you want to bring him along, that's fine. But I'm done looking". Funny how God works sometimes, huh?
Now, I sit here at 25, looking back on the last 5 years, and wondering what the next 5 have in store for me. There are definitely a few things I would like to happen in that time frame, but realistically, there is no way for me to know that they will. But that's the thing I love about dreams...
Dreams give me so much hope. I love it when that moment comes in the middle of the day, when a wonderful idea or thought pops into my head and I think, "Yeah, I'd like it". I dream of what those things would be like in my life, how different they would make my world, and how much I'd enjoy them. It's those dreams that make this short road to 30 seem more bearable.
Someone asked me the other day if the thought of being 30 scared me. But the truth is, it really doesn't. The day I turn 30 might scare me a little, knowing my twenties will be gone, but I think 30 is going to be amazing.
I guess I just like to look at it in light of how the 20s have been so far. While I've had my share of heartaches and trials, I've had so many wonderful blessings to make up for them. I can't even imagine how different my life would be at this point if my 20s would have gone differently...even in the slightest way. These past 5 years have molded me, changed me, and shaped me into the woman I am today. The woman who is eagerly looking forward to what the next 5 years hold. The woman who is trying to live every moment and enjoy what it brings, knowing that the moment after it is going to bring even more amazing things.
So I am embracing this place in life, these mid-twenties. I don't feel old, but I definitely feel older than I did at 20...but in a good way. I feel more mature, more relaxed, more focused, and more excited about life. And that is what makes the mid-twenties worth it.
She posted on her Facebook about how she felt old...because she's almost in her mid-twenties. I thought it was kind of funny, but I just sort of shrugged it off. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am in my mid-twenties. I am right there, in the midst of it all.
I don't think I got the opportunity this year to really contemplate my birthday and getting older...and turning 25. With everything that was going on with my uncle and my crazy obsessive three months, I don't think I truly stopped to ponder what it means to be 25. I am in my mid-twenties. I am no longer closer to being a teenager than I am to 30. I am well on my way there. Less than 5 years away.
So I started thinking about where I was at 20, 5 years before now. How different my life was back then. Josh and I became friends and started dating when I was 20. I experienced that wonderful "first kiss" with him that year. We dated...broke up...got back together...broke up...got back together that year. But the day I turned 20, I had no idea any of that would happen. I never would have guessed that 5 years from that day, I would be married to Josh, who I barely even knew at the time. In fact, I remember on that birthday, I had given up the idea of having a boyfriend for awhile. I had been single for a year and a half and had been hoping to find Mr. Right in the near future. But when I turned 20, I gave it up to God and said, "Whenever you want to bring him along, that's fine. But I'm done looking". Funny how God works sometimes, huh?
Now, I sit here at 25, looking back on the last 5 years, and wondering what the next 5 have in store for me. There are definitely a few things I would like to happen in that time frame, but realistically, there is no way for me to know that they will. But that's the thing I love about dreams...
Dreams give me so much hope. I love it when that moment comes in the middle of the day, when a wonderful idea or thought pops into my head and I think, "Yeah, I'd like it". I dream of what those things would be like in my life, how different they would make my world, and how much I'd enjoy them. It's those dreams that make this short road to 30 seem more bearable.
Someone asked me the other day if the thought of being 30 scared me. But the truth is, it really doesn't. The day I turn 30 might scare me a little, knowing my twenties will be gone, but I think 30 is going to be amazing.
I guess I just like to look at it in light of how the 20s have been so far. While I've had my share of heartaches and trials, I've had so many wonderful blessings to make up for them. I can't even imagine how different my life would be at this point if my 20s would have gone differently...even in the slightest way. These past 5 years have molded me, changed me, and shaped me into the woman I am today. The woman who is eagerly looking forward to what the next 5 years hold. The woman who is trying to live every moment and enjoy what it brings, knowing that the moment after it is going to bring even more amazing things.
So I am embracing this place in life, these mid-twenties. I don't feel old, but I definitely feel older than I did at 20...but in a good way. I feel more mature, more relaxed, more focused, and more excited about life. And that is what makes the mid-twenties worth it.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Girlfriends
Today, I had lunch with some of my girlfriends...
Girlfriends...
When I think about the word girlfriends, it reminds me of jr. high.
I was your typical awkward, emotional teenaged girl, trying to understand all the changes that were happening in my life. Not only was I growing up and really starting to like boys, but I was beginning to notice and feel the effects of catty girls.
I didn't have a lot of friends before then. I had one best friend, maybe two, and we hung out mostly at church or school. But it seemed like I had no friends in jr. high. They had all either gotten all into their looks and spent hours putting on makeup and talking about boys, or they found cooler, smarter, prettier friends to spend their time with, and I was forgotten about.
I remember one day in particular that my mom had taken my sister and I out for pizza when I just broke down. I started crying and asking my mom why I didn't have any friends. I just felt so lost. She told me it would just take time, that all the catty girls would eventually grow up, or that I would make new friends.
In my experience, the catty girls never grew up... Well, they did...but they never grew out of the catty stage. They just got older and did even more catty things, with other catty girls they met along the way. So, that left me with the option of new friends.
I met some amazing girls in high school, one of whom is still my best friend to this day. I keep in contact with a few others, but mostly, I have lost contact with a lot of the people I knew then. Sophomore year in high school, I remember looking back on jr. high and smiling at the sad memory of myself crying in the pizza place. If only I'd known back then how much better life was going to get in just a few years.
Of course, I still had plenty of run-ins with catty girls through high school...and beyond. But at least I had other girls on my side, girls who liked me for me, whether I wore makeup and cute clothes or not. Girls who saw me for who I really was...inside...and not just how I looked or who I liked.
College brought many other friends...some of which I still have and cherish so much (another best friend came from that time in my life as well). More changes took place and I started valuing my friendships so much more. I started to understand the importance of having women in my life, not just to hang out with, but to truly pour into my life, as I poured back into theirs.
And now, having been married for over two years and having more women in my life that I consider friends, I understand what my mom and so many others meant when they said they had "girlfriends". Because being married or seriously dating someone is fun, don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Josh...growing closer to him, learning more about his quirks, overcoming obstacles together, and just learning what it means to truly love someone. But I need females in my life, too. I need girlfriends. Not just for hanging out or going shopping, but to talk to, to connect with, to vent to, and to laugh with.
My girlfriends mean so much to me. Those women in my life who, whether we see each other all the time or not, we can get together and it's just like old times (thanks, Amy G., for putting it into words so perfectly). Those women who, even if we haven't known each other very long, I can talk to about important things in life, and we can learn so much from each other. Those women who, even if we aren't close in age, I have so much in common with, and we can share our journeys in life, no matter how different they have been.
I have never been popular, I am not super pretty, I don't wear the latest fashions, I don't have it all together, and yet, I don't care. None of those things matter to me, and they don't matter to my girlfriends, either. It's a beautiful thing, being able to be yourself and not worry about how long it's been since you've shaved your legs, or gotten a manicure, or bought a new pair of jeans. My girlfriends love me for who I am, because they love me the way Christ loves me. And that, is the very best kind of girlfriend to have.
Girlfriends...
When I think about the word girlfriends, it reminds me of jr. high.
I was your typical awkward, emotional teenaged girl, trying to understand all the changes that were happening in my life. Not only was I growing up and really starting to like boys, but I was beginning to notice and feel the effects of catty girls.
I didn't have a lot of friends before then. I had one best friend, maybe two, and we hung out mostly at church or school. But it seemed like I had no friends in jr. high. They had all either gotten all into their looks and spent hours putting on makeup and talking about boys, or they found cooler, smarter, prettier friends to spend their time with, and I was forgotten about.
I remember one day in particular that my mom had taken my sister and I out for pizza when I just broke down. I started crying and asking my mom why I didn't have any friends. I just felt so lost. She told me it would just take time, that all the catty girls would eventually grow up, or that I would make new friends.
In my experience, the catty girls never grew up... Well, they did...but they never grew out of the catty stage. They just got older and did even more catty things, with other catty girls they met along the way. So, that left me with the option of new friends.
I met some amazing girls in high school, one of whom is still my best friend to this day. I keep in contact with a few others, but mostly, I have lost contact with a lot of the people I knew then. Sophomore year in high school, I remember looking back on jr. high and smiling at the sad memory of myself crying in the pizza place. If only I'd known back then how much better life was going to get in just a few years.
Of course, I still had plenty of run-ins with catty girls through high school...and beyond. But at least I had other girls on my side, girls who liked me for me, whether I wore makeup and cute clothes or not. Girls who saw me for who I really was...inside...and not just how I looked or who I liked.
College brought many other friends...some of which I still have and cherish so much (another best friend came from that time in my life as well). More changes took place and I started valuing my friendships so much more. I started to understand the importance of having women in my life, not just to hang out with, but to truly pour into my life, as I poured back into theirs.
And now, having been married for over two years and having more women in my life that I consider friends, I understand what my mom and so many others meant when they said they had "girlfriends". Because being married or seriously dating someone is fun, don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Josh...growing closer to him, learning more about his quirks, overcoming obstacles together, and just learning what it means to truly love someone. But I need females in my life, too. I need girlfriends. Not just for hanging out or going shopping, but to talk to, to connect with, to vent to, and to laugh with.
My girlfriends mean so much to me. Those women in my life who, whether we see each other all the time or not, we can get together and it's just like old times (thanks, Amy G., for putting it into words so perfectly). Those women who, even if we haven't known each other very long, I can talk to about important things in life, and we can learn so much from each other. Those women who, even if we aren't close in age, I have so much in common with, and we can share our journeys in life, no matter how different they have been.
I have never been popular, I am not super pretty, I don't wear the latest fashions, I don't have it all together, and yet, I don't care. None of those things matter to me, and they don't matter to my girlfriends, either. It's a beautiful thing, being able to be yourself and not worry about how long it's been since you've shaved your legs, or gotten a manicure, or bought a new pair of jeans. My girlfriends love me for who I am, because they love me the way Christ loves me. And that, is the very best kind of girlfriend to have.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Easter Weekend
My weekend was so busy and crazy, but so enjoyable. It's late and I don't really want to write it all down, so I created a collage instead for your enjoyment :)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Pressing On...
It's so weird to me...the way life works...
Two blogs ago, I wrote about the obsession that had taken over my life. And, how I had realized what was going on and decided to let it go.
It's amazing what letting go can really look like...
I haven't hardly struggled with it at all. I barely even think about it once a day. It's crazy to me that letting go of something that bound me so tightly has changed so much of my life.
I am still trying to figure out how to get everything in my life back on track, but not obsessing about that one thing has freed me so much.
I have this desire to just write and read and soak up so much in life. I just want to enjoy every second that I can. I don't want to go to bed anymore. I just want to stay up and learn and discover things I didn't know before. But, I force myself to sleep so I can energize myself for the following day.
I have been having vivid dreams lately, too. It's crazy to me. I used to dream every night...for years and years and years...and yet, they seemed to kind of go away the last couple of years. Not that I wasn't dreaming sometimes, but it seems like I'm dreaming a lot more...or maybe I'm just getting the right kind of sleep. Maybe trying not to obsess about things freed up my mind at night as well as during the day. Hmm...what a concept, huh?
I just feel different. I want to take care of myself, to get things done, to seek out others and pour into their lives. I've even been making it a point to try and put makeup on every day. That may seem like a silly thing, but I love experimenting with all my eye shadow colors and coming up with different combinations. It's like painting a tiny picture on my face, a picture I can manipulate and change every day to display something different, something exciting, something unique. If that's crazy, I'm ok with that. But truly, I think it's fun to put on makeup. These last couple of months, I haven't had a desire to do that. It's amazing how one little thing consumed my thoughts and changed everything I did in life.
I also am trying my best to just be me. To be the person God created me to be. To trust Him to lead me into situations, into people's lives, to do His will. It's not always an easy or fun road, but it's the road I've chosen, and it's the road that's bringing me a lot of joy in life.
I am reminded of my year verse from 2009. The women's Bible study I used to be a part of got together on the morning of January 1st, 2009. We made these really cool bookmarks. The main part of the bookmark is a verse. The other part consists of nine different colored ribbons, each representing a woman and her past and future. We each picked a color that we liked or we felt represented ourselves, and shared about our previous year and what we hoped the year 2009 would bring us. I keep this bookmark tucked in my Bible, in whatever passage we are going through in my Wednesday night Bible study. Each time I look at it, I am reminded of that morning, those women, and what those ribbons represent. I also love to read through the verse that we chose to use as our year verse. It is Philippians 3:12-14 (NLT):
I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be....I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I strain to the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.
That is what I want. I want to forget about my past and keep looking forward to what God has for me. It is the only way I can live my life right now, and it's the only way I want to live it from here on out.
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