Moving Forward

We are already over halfway into January 2019.

It's crazy writing that out that way.

I'm still in shock that 2018 is over and we're almost a month into 2019 already.

2018 ended with me feeling a little scattered and like some things were half finished. I got to do just about everything I wanted to experience around Christmastime and we got to spend a lot of time with loved ones in December, but then I got sick. I think that's why things felt the way they did. I wanted so badly to take that time after Christmas to start organizing my house and my life and get into a better routine. But instead I spent 4 days on the couch, trying to rest so my cold didn't turn into anything worse.

I'm not saying that the resting was bad or that I should have been doing more, but I often beat myself up a little if I rest too much and don't get enough done. Or at least, enough by my own standards.

I didn't get to plan out my goals for 2019 like I wanted to. I didn't get to sit down and really think on 2018 like I wanted to.

And yet, life moves forward. And so do I.

As I type this, it sounds so silly and so petty. Not being able to spend time reflecting and dreaming. But in the moment, it felt like such a big deal.

If you know anything about the enneagram, I'm a 9. Part of being a 9 means that I often stuff my feelings down to keep the peace or because I don't want to deal with the pain or whatever other emotion it brings up. We 9's don't like to rock the boat.

So my being frustrated about not being able to do those things was actually a sign to me of trying to work through my struggles. I shared a little bit in this space about some of the things I've been learning about myself in the past 6ish months. One thing I'm trying to do more of is allowing myself to feel things.

For instance, I re-watched Gilmore Girls for like the 6th or 8th or 10th time (I've seen it a lot). And I re-watched A Year in the Life for the third time (maybe the 4th?). Watching the final episode, I could feel that ball in my throat getting harder and harder as my eyes welled up with tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to fully cry. But I took some deep breaths as I watched the show and I let them come. And that ball in my throat got lighter and lighter. I probably cried for about 10 minutes. And it felt good.

I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to really feel things. I think feeling it, living in it for as long as it takes, is essential for me. I don't want to keep bottling everything up inside. So even things that seem insignificant or petty (like not being able to spend time reflecting on 2018) need to be felt and worked through.

So as we move into 2019, I'm determined to keep working on giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel. The word I chose for 2019 was Rise. I'm ready to rise up, to rise above, to raise my head and feel. And I want to help those around me to do the same.



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For the past 10 years, I've made a point to make a collage of some of my favorite pictures and memories of the year before. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse into 2018. I'm excited to see where 2019 takes me!

2018 So Far

I never got on here to share about my goals for myself for this year.

Honestly, I was feeling so overwhelmed in the beginning of year with life that I didn't really want to take time to assess goals.

Balancing life and letting go of fears are constants on my list every year. Because I'm still learning how those two things work. Also, if you didn't read my last blog post, I talked about how my pain has played into every part of my life. And that is something else I'm working on.

I'm still striving to look more like Jesus, and as I've mentioned before, that will always be an ongoing thing.

I picked a word for this year, something I haven't done very often. I usually look back at the year and see what word stuck out to me. But this year, I picked the word Shine. These are the reasons why:

1. I want to Shine in all I do. I want to be a light and a bright spot in the lives of those around me and in those I come in contact with. I want to Shine in my day-to-day and in my work.

2. I want to help others to Shine. I want to be an encourager to those around me to Shine in all they do in life. I want to help spur others on to achieve their goals and dreams.

I wrote those words out in my Color Street group on December 29th. Almost 9 months later, it makes me a little teary-eyed thinking about how this has already happened in many ways.

I don't talk very often about my Color Street business to those in my life (unless they are a part of this business). I don't mean I don't talk about the product (because I do), but I don't talk about the business side of it. I'm not the type of person that wants to bug anyone or turn anyone off. I don't want to come across as spammy. So I refrain from sharing things often because I don't want to annoy anyone.

But I'm going to share a little now. Because I've seen that second point happen quite often this year.

As I mentioned above, I wrote those words on December 29th in my group. That very day, I had my very first person join my Color Street team. My team continued to grow each month and is now 24 strong (at the time of publishing)!

I take my responsibility as a leader very seriously. I have always believed wholeheartedly in leading by example and in being the biggest cheerleader for anyone I'm leading. This is the first time I've been in this type of leadership position. It is definitely challenging at times, but the rewards far outweigh the challenges.

I have literally watched girls on my team achieve huge goals and dreams in their lives. I have celebrated their achievements in Color Street, but also their achievements outside of Color Street. I have mourned with them, I have cried with them and I have cheered them on from the front row. I have watched them Shine.

A lot of hard things happened this year. A lot of really beautiful things happened this year. And a lot of in-between things happened this year.

But I am still striving for my goals for this year. I'm still striving to Shine in all I do. I'm still learning to be a better version of me. I'm still learning how to balance life and let go of fears.

I've cried many tears. I've laughed a lot. I've squealed with delight. I've felt tired and worn out.

But I keep going. I keep moving forward, I keep striving and I keep loving on those around me.

That is how my 2018 has been so far.

Some December Thoughts

I am so behind on blog posts and feel like I'm behind on life in general these days.

I'm not sure when life kicked into this high of a gear, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this week.

It's December 12th. Christmas is 13 days away. And yes, we got all of our Christmas shopping done. And yes, we've watched some Christmas movies and done some fun Christmas activities. And yes, our house is decorated (I'm staring at my lit up Christmas tree right now). And yes, the majority of our Christmas cards have been sent out or delivered to the people receiving them. But I still feel like something is missing.

There's so much talk of Christmas plans and where we are going when. My brain already hurts just thinking about it. I really just want a morning, or an afternoon, or some chunk of time over the Christmas weekend to have some time alone with Josh, so that we can do our own Christmas at home.

And I've been doing a lot of vendor events. I did 5 within the first week of December. I've got 1, possibly 2 more coming up this month.

I just feel tired. And like I'm whining. I'm really not meaning to, though. I really just want to take some time and think about why we celebrate Christmas. What does it all mean? Why do we spend all this time buying the perfect gifts and then wrapping them? Why does our calendar instantly fill up when December rolls around? Where does Jesus fit into all of it?

I love Christmas. Don't get me wrong. It's my absolute favorite holiday. It always has been. There's something about all the colorful lights everywhere and the songs and the joy of spending time with loved ones.

But I want it to be more than just a fun, busy month this year.

It's really easy to lose sight of Jesus. I've been doing it all month. I've been so worried about everything we've had on our calendar and all the things we've needed to buy, that I've kind of forgotten what all of it means. Or what all of it should mean.

I want to give gifts because it's a small reflection of the love I have for someone, and because Jesus gave us the ultimate gift by dying on the cross for our sins, not because I feel like I need to or have to. I want to do fun events with the people I care about because I enjoy their company and who they are in my life, not because it's just something we've always done or because I'm fulfilling an obligation. I want to watch Christmas movies and listen to certain Christmas songs because they make me feel happy and nostalgic, not because I want to make sure to check those off a list of things I've done this holiday season.

And so I've decided to take some time out this month to focus on the reason why this season is so special. I want to spend some time studying and reading the Word: the prophecies about Jesus's coming, His birth and what He brought to our world. I want to spend some time thinking about and expressing my appreciation and love for the people in my life. All too often we take people for granted or assume they know how we feel. And I want to spend some time examining my heart and my life to really figure out what this new year is going to look like for me. It's something I enjoy doing at the end of every year and I think it's really important for me. It helps me to be able to set my focus on some specific goals and helps me to keep myself accountable to them.

I'm also determined to make sure that Josh and I get to spend some time together as our little family of 2. I don't talk very often on this space anymore about our journey and where we've come from, but at this moment in time, we are both content and happy to be just the two of us. I know a lot of people (and it's not really anyone's fault, it's just kind of the way our society is) assume that we aren't a family because we don't have kids. But we are a family and our time together is just as important as it would be if we had 4 kids. We have been married for almost 10 years now and this will be our 13th Christmas together. We got engaged on Christmas Eve almost 11 years ago. This time of year is very important to both of us and I don't want this time to pass by without us getting to acknowledge all that it means to us as a couple and individually.

My hope is that all of us would be able to take some time out in the next two weeks and really reflect on this month, this year and our lives. Don't let the busyness or the obligations or whatever else it may be keep you from enjoying this time of year.

Friendship Refreshes the Soul

I went to CO last month to see my bestie and her family!

I know I say this every time I get back, but I really have the best time with them. We have much needed, sometimes even really hard conversations, and I always leave feeling encouraged and refreshed.

I cried a lot on my final day there, knowing I had to get on a plane and come home. Em asked me in the car on our way to the airport what my favorite part of this trip was and I couldn't even answer her. I had to text her while I was waiting for my plane because I couldn't verbalize it through my tears. My favorite part was all of it, and I'm very much looking forward to the next time I get to be with them.

We went driving in the mountains to see the fall leaves, which was so beautiful. I feel like we often get a little ripped off where I live because sometimes the leaves haven't even had a chance to fully change before the wind and rain come in and strip the trees of their leaves. So it was amazing to see so many beautiful trees starting to get their fall best.

We went to a biergarten in the mountains as well, which was really fun. It was a place Em had been dying to try, so I'm glad I was able to go there with her. We also went to one of their favorite country bars while I was there, and had wings and lots of laughs.

We started and finished a 101 Dalmatians puzzle (the amazing Thomas Kinkade one) and played quite a few games with the kids.

We saw American Assassin in the theater and went out for drinks after at one of their favorite spots (that they took Josh and I to last year when we were there).

We also had a wonderful tea morning that turned into afternoon with Em's sister. She is such a sweetheart and I'm so thankful that I've gotten to know her a little better over the years.

And we spent a lot of time hanging out at their place with the kids. I love their little family so much and I love getting to spend time with them.

It was my longest amount of time spent there and yet time flew by as usual. I'm so thankful I was able to take this trip!

Oh One. Two Oh One Seven

I struggle often with what I should share in this space.

Part of me thinks blogging is a dying art and I should give up on it. After all, I use it mostly as a "diary" these days to give a summary of what we do each month. Posts about anything else are so few and far between.

And it's not because I don't have things I could share. I more struggle with the time to be able to do so. And knowing how much is too much to share.

So I've kept things very simple the past two years, because that is what has worked the best for me.

Many people started reading this blog after I started to share our journey with infertility. I always meant for this space to be somewhere where people could come and find encouragement or comradery or a safe place to land. And I'm not sure it's always been that place this past few years.

So with this new year, I've been trying to figure out if I'm going to continue to write monthly posts or try to use this space more for it's original intended purpose.

And I haven't really come to a good conclusion.

So for now, I'm just going to write when I feel like it and see what happens.

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We've been talking at church the past few weeks about being safe people for others. And how each of us should have 3-10 safe people in our lives. It struck my heart so much because I've craved those kinds of relationships my whole life. And because I strive to be a safe person for all of my friends.

I'm so thankful to have quite a few safe people in my life. I may not have had many (if any) in jr. high or very many in high school but I'm so thankful that I have many safe friends as an adult.

Being a safe person means being someone that listens, that gives their full attention, that is trustworthy and that doesn't try to fix things or offer advice immediately. Safe people are not judgmental and allow people to feel and express themselves as they need to.

One of my goals for this year is to spend more one-on-one time with people, as I have in the past. I want to be a safe person that people feel comfortable sharing their hearts with. And I think these two goals go hand in hand.

There's been so much division and hatred in our country in the last few months (not that it didn't exist before, because it obviously did. But it's come to the surface more in recent months). I just want to love people better. Even if I don't agree with them. Especially if I don't agree with them. And that starts with being a safe person.

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January has always been one of my favorite months. Partly because it's a new year (and right after my favorite holiday, Christmas), and partly because it's the month I was born. January just always makes me excited for the future and for the year ahead.

This January was a good one. It was a month full of birthday celebrations, for myself and for others.

 P.W.'s 2nd birthday party!

 Wine tasting for mine and A.B.'s birthdays

Me and my fellow January birthday friend

 Dancing with some friends for mine and R.J.'s birthdays

I'm so thankful for these moments and for these people. Here's to February!

The Best Things in Life Aren't Things

We got to take a really fun (and much needed) trip to CO to see our friends!

We always have the best time with them...but the time passes way too quickly! It's always so hard to say goodbye when we leave.

We took a drive up to Helen Hunt Falls while we were there. We went there on our very first trip to CO six years ago. It was totally different (but still very beautiful) to experience it in the snow!

(Have I mentioned how much I love their kiddos? This was only my second time getting to see their youngest and she is just so precious. Their oldest was born when they still lived in CA and she is just the sweetest)

We played a lot of games with John and Em, and with their kids. It always makes me so happy to play games, as I grew up playing a lot of games with my family.

We started watching Stranger Things while we were there! Quite a few people had told us we would probably love it but we just hadn't taken the time to watch it. We finished it after we got home, but it was really good! I'm really looking forward to the second season next year.

These two are so sweet to each other

We also went to a distillery while we were there, and went to a couple of fun places to get drinks. We also went to a few places to eat that we don't have here (or at least local to us).

And, we saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them with John and Em, and Em's sister and her husband! I was so excited when I realized it was coming out the same weekend we were gonna be there. My CO bestie discovered her love for all things HP about three years ago, soon after we started our BCB group, and her sister read and fell in love with the series shortly after that. I love being able to watch movies about the things I love so much with people who love those things just as much as I do!

We also had some really great conversations. We always do every time we go out there, but it's something I cherish so much. I always feel so encouraged and challenged after our conversations.

I wish with all my heart that we lived closer to each other again, but I'm so thankful for the time that we do get to spend together.

08.16

August came and went so fast!

I had to look back at my calendar to even remember what we did. It was a whirlwind of a month!

Here are some highlights of the month:

We went to a going away/birthday party for a sweet young lady who headed off to college in another state. I am going to miss her sweet spirit around our church.

We had a women's worship night at church and it was incredible! There is nothing like worshipping God in a room full of other women who are also there to worship Him. I also went out to eat with a couple of good friends after and we had some great conversations.

We also went to a gender reveal party for our friends R.J. and J.J. They found out they are having a boy!

We also went to an indoor go kart track with some friends. I didn't race but I had a lot of fun taking videos of everyone else racing. We also went out for dinner and ice cream. It was a really fun night.

Some other things that happened this month:

I decided to become a LuLaRoe consultant and have been working on getting everything together to make that happen! It's been a really fun journey so far and I'm really excited for the actual selling part to start.

I read The Cursed Child (the Harry Potter screenplay) and I LOVED it! I know many people have very strong emotions of either hate or love, but I am definitely one of the ones that loved it! I don't wanna ruin it for anyone that is planning to read it, but it made my heart really happy.

I've also started exercising on a regular basis. That may not seem like a big deal to most, but I haven't been able to do this in years because of my body issues. My myofascial therapist is getting her student teaching hours right now to become a Pilates instructor, so I've been doing Pilates with her once a week. I've also been doing Just Dance through the Xbox at home. I've been able to exercise between 4-5 days a week and I feel so much better. I'm so grateful to God and to my therapist that my body is able to handle this now.

And that was August! My fall decorations are up and I'm excited for fall weather to (hopefully) arrive soon!

Naivete

I feel like I spent a good portion of my life being pretty naive about things in life in general.

If you would have asked me even 10 years ago if my life would look the way it does right now, with the people in it, I would have said you were crazy.

I don't think I was stupid. I don't think I expected life to be perfect (well, maybe I did a little bit). But I don't know that I was aware of how much bigger the world really was compared to what I had known of it.

I know I'm being kind of vague, but I guess the point of this post is to express how much differently I view the world as a 31 year old than I did as a 21 year old. Having gone through some incredibly hard things myself in the past 10 years, as well as walking through some really hard stuff with friends and family, I just feel a lot differently about life.

My faith has had its ups and downs, but I know God has never left me. I may have doubted Him at times, but He's always been there. I may not understand everything or know how some of these hard things fit into His plan, but I know He's still in control. And I know I would say those same things 10 years ago, but I had no idea back then just how hard life could be.

I often think of the people in my life. The people that have stuck by me, the ones that I grow closer to each and every day, and the ones that have drifted away. I've said in the past that there are seasons for every relationship and I still believe that...to an extent. I think that sometimes it's easy to use that phrase when we want to walk away from a friendship or things aren't going the way we want in a relationship, so we chalk it up to being a "season". But I think sometimes the best friendships, the ones that really matter to us, take really hard work. It's not always easy to be there for people who don't seem to want to be there for us. It's not always easy to have long distance friendships with people. It's not always pleasant to have real and honest conversations with people about the way they treat us. It's not always easy to make time for people. But if we really care, if we're really invested and want the relationship to last, we have to put in the hard work.

This transition our church has been in for the past three + years has been one of the hardest things I've ever endured in a church. I can't tell you how many times I've been ready to throw in the towel and move on. But I know that's me talking. Sometimes life is hard and we just have to endure some hard things before they get better, or before it really is time to move on. I know that right now, I'm supposed to be involved with women, and that is what I'm pursuing. I've taken some steps in that direction and I'm excited to see what God does with it. It will not always be easy, but I keep reminding myself that the church is the people. Not just a few people, but all of them. And every single one of them needs encouragement and love and support.

I have a tendency to be really negative and focus on the bad stuff in life. I try hard not to, because I know there are so many good things. And if I look back on the last 10 years, I do see a lot of really good and beautiful things. It's definitely harder for me to see the good stuff day-to-day. But if I look at the whole picture, it's much easier to see. I think sometimes we have to take a step back and really look at our lives. What do they consist of? Is it all bad? Probably not. Is it all good? Definitely not. But that is what life is made up of: really hard stuff mixed in with really beautiful and wonderful stuff. God never promised us life would be easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth pushing forward.

So all this to say, I wish I could tell 21 year old me to just hold on. Life can be very bumpy and rocky, but it can also be really smooth with some great views along the way. Life is bigger than what we see directly in front of us. And it really does paint a beautiful picture.

Almost a Wrap

It's hard to believe that Christmas will be here in just 6 more days!

This year has by far been one of my favorites. We had a lot of ups and downs, but we learned a lot about ourselves and I think we've done a lot of growing.

I was just looking back on my recap post from last year to see what my hopes and dreams for 2015 were to see how life measured up to them.

The first one was to figure out my neck issues and a way to manage them better. While I still have issues going on, this is the first time since everything started that I finally feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I started pursuing myofascial release therapy in the middle of January and it has been such a huge help for me. Not only am I not in as much pain anymore, I have a lot more movement in my body. Unfortunately, since it took over 4 years to get to the point that it is right now, it's gonna take some time to reverse all of that. So while some might look at my doing this therapy for a year and still having issues as a bad sign, I see it as a good sign. This is the only thing that has caused any improvement. Every other treatment or therapy I have tried just masked it or helped with the pain only. Nothing ever helped me to be able to move better. Considering my condition has not worsened at all this year but instead has gotten better, I consider that a huge win! I look forward to the day when I feel "normal" again.

The second one was to be able to encourage women through Bible study or something like that. And I was able to do that! I actually had two different opportunities to do that this year and I'm excited for next year will bring! I would love to do a smaller women's retreat again next year, so that's something that I'm praying on to see if that can happen.

Some of the different possibilities that I was praying about didn't come to fruition this year, but there was good reason for them. After praying about each of them a lot, I realized that I really need to get my body issues more under control before I try and commit to something huge. I had to say no to more than one ministry this year because of that. And while it was really hard to do so, I know it was necessary. I'm hoping that next year will bring other opportunities that I will be able to say yes to. God has been teaching me a lot about balance this year. While I would love to be able to say yes to everything that comes my way, sometimes the answer has to be no. I can't be or do everything, and I have to be ok with that. I do know that I need to get involved more in serving at church in some capacity, so that is something I am praying on for next year as well.

I also mentioned being excited about the changes that were happening in our church. And many things did change! I know there are more things to come and I'm excited to see what happens next year!

As far as being excited for how God was going to mold Josh and I, that has been really exciting. Not only did Josh get a promotion at work, into a position that was created specifically with him in mind, he has been able to serve so much in the youth transition in our church right now by being the jr. high point guy. When we first started dating, we both felt like we were supposed to serve in full-time youth ministry as youth pastors. While that shifted and changed over the years, I know he has always had a passion for young people. So to see him serving in this capacity and teaching jr. highers each week has been so awesome for me. I am so proud of him and the man he is. He has grown so much this year in so many different areas and I feel so honored to be his wife and to be able to walk alongside him through this journey.
As for me, I've learned a lot this year about balance, as I mentioned before, as well as letting go of fear. One of the biggest things that has come up in my myofascial therapy has been some of my irrational fears. I don't even think I realized how crippling some of them were. I have been working very hard in the past six months to let go of some of those things. While I know it's going to take time, I'm confident that I will be able to move past some of them. I've also learned about myself that I get stressed out very easily in certain situations. While I need to learn to work through the stress in some situations, I've also learned that sometimes it's better to avoid certain triggers of stress as well. I need to continue to work on this, but I'm trying to learn how to better manage my stress. Fear and stress are, I think, two of the biggest emotional factors that contribute to my body issues. So I need to continue to work on moving past those things and learning to deal with them in a healthy manner so that I won't feel so tense all the time.

And now, a little recap of 2015 (so far):

We started the year off with a little New Year's Eve party at our house!

We also had a couple of fun times with family, including a sushi date, a hockey game, and we were able to spend a lot of time with Josh's family when everyone was here for his great-grandma's funeral.

One of my dear friends had her baby (!!!) and I had a couple of fun birthday celebrations.

February brought our Vegas trip to celebrate Josh and I turning 30, as well as our 7th anniversary and a trip to Disneyland to celebrate!

March was full of a lot of fun times with friends, including my first ever trip to Dutch Bros and my dear friend L.B.'s birthday.

In April, we went to visit Josh's oldest brother and his family for Easter, and I went to my church's women's retreat with a wonderful group of friends.

We also celebrated my sister's birthday and I had a couple of fun wine outings with friends.

May was packed to the brim with fun stuff! We went to a tea house with Josh's mom for Mother's Day, and celebrated my dad's birthday and my mom on Mother's Day.

We also took a trip to Disneyland and celebrated a couple of other birthdays (our friend V.M., L.B.'s daughter and my sister-in-law).

I also had a fun wine tasting day with my wine ladies, and Josh and I were able to see one of our favorite bands in concert for the 10th anniversary of our favorite album of theirs.

In June, we celebrated a couple of birthdays (my brother-in-law and my friend S.C.) and I had a couple of wine nights.

We also went to Disneyland again and got to have a special lunch at Club 33!

In July, we went on a cabin trip with some of our friends for the 4th of July, and my friend E.K. and her family were here visiting, so we got to spend a lot of time with them.

August brought a lot of fun times with friends, including going out dancing to celebrate the birthdays of two friends.

We also went to a taco fundraiser, and celebrated Josh's dad and our friend K.W.'s birthdays.

And there were a couple of wine outings as well.

September was another busy month. I had a craft night with some friends, and we attended a friend's wedding!

We also went to Disneyland again, and celebrated our niece's birthday.

October was also very busy! We went to Disneyland in celebration of our niece's birthday and our friends K.W. and S.W. came to the Halloween party with us!

We also went to a corn maze with some friends, and I did a wine stroll with some girlfriends.

There were also a couple of fun wine nights, and our friend S.W.'s annual Halloween party!

In November, I attended a friend's adoption shower and took a trip to Colorado to see my CO bestie and her family!

We also had our second annual Friendsgiving and went wine tasting for Josh's birthday.

We also got to spend a lot of time with family for Thanksgiving and decorated for Christmas!

And so far, December has brought some fun things...including another trip to Disneyland, a couple of Christmas parties, ice skating and Star Wars (more on all of that in a future post). I'm looking forward to the other fun things we have planned!

Stay tuned for more about 2015!