2018 So Far

I never got on here to share about my goals for myself for this year.

Honestly, I was feeling so overwhelmed in the beginning of year with life that I didn't really want to take time to assess goals.

Balancing life and letting go of fears are constants on my list every year. Because I'm still learning how those two things work. Also, if you didn't read my last blog post, I talked about how my pain has played into every part of my life. And that is something else I'm working on.

I'm still striving to look more like Jesus, and as I've mentioned before, that will always be an ongoing thing.

I picked a word for this year, something I haven't done very often. I usually look back at the year and see what word stuck out to me. But this year, I picked the word Shine. These are the reasons why:

1. I want to Shine in all I do. I want to be a light and a bright spot in the lives of those around me and in those I come in contact with. I want to Shine in my day-to-day and in my work.

2. I want to help others to Shine. I want to be an encourager to those around me to Shine in all they do in life. I want to help spur others on to achieve their goals and dreams.

I wrote those words out in my Color Street group on December 29th. Almost 9 months later, it makes me a little teary-eyed thinking about how this has already happened in many ways.

I don't talk very often about my Color Street business to those in my life (unless they are a part of this business). I don't mean I don't talk about the product (because I do), but I don't talk about the business side of it. I'm not the type of person that wants to bug anyone or turn anyone off. I don't want to come across as spammy. So I refrain from sharing things often because I don't want to annoy anyone.

But I'm going to share a little now. Because I've seen that second point happen quite often this year.

As I mentioned above, I wrote those words on December 29th in my group. That very day, I had my very first person join my Color Street team. My team continued to grow each month and is now 24 strong (at the time of publishing)!

I take my responsibility as a leader very seriously. I have always believed wholeheartedly in leading by example and in being the biggest cheerleader for anyone I'm leading. This is the first time I've been in this type of leadership position. It is definitely challenging at times, but the rewards far outweigh the challenges.

I have literally watched girls on my team achieve huge goals and dreams in their lives. I have celebrated their achievements in Color Street, but also their achievements outside of Color Street. I have mourned with them, I have cried with them and I have cheered them on from the front row. I have watched them Shine.

A lot of hard things happened this year. A lot of really beautiful things happened this year. And a lot of in-between things happened this year.

But I am still striving for my goals for this year. I'm still striving to Shine in all I do. I'm still learning to be a better version of me. I'm still learning how to balance life and let go of fears.

I've cried many tears. I've laughed a lot. I've squealed with delight. I've felt tired and worn out.

But I keep going. I keep moving forward, I keep striving and I keep loving on those around me.

That is how my 2018 has been so far.

Pain and Trauma

I still haven't really decided what I want to do with this space yet.

It's been five months since I've typed up a new blog post, but today I got the itch to write.

I've been reading Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis this month with my Color Street team. I have found many amazing things in this book that have really stuck out to me, but I think the chapter I read today took the cake.

One of the things that really struck me was this:

You cannot ignore your pain. You cannot ever leave it behind completely. The only thing you can do is find a way to embrace the good that came out of it - even if it takes you years to discover what that is (chapter 15: The Lie: I will never get past this).

One of the things I've been learning about myself over the past 2.75 years that I've been doing myofascial release therapy is that I have literally been responding to trauma and painful situations the same way my entire life: I freeze or stiffen up. I was reminded this week while at one of my appointments of a painful experience that happened in my childhood.

I was in elementary school and was literally in a constant state of headache. My mom took me to the doctor and they ran a bunch of tests. One was some sort of CT scan. I believe it was a contrast CT, because I was being injected with some kind of liquid when this painful experience took place. The man injecting me was having an issue finding my vein, and instead of pulling it out and trying again, he was moving the needle in my arm back and forth to try to find it. Honestly, it was one of the most painful things I've ever had to endure! I literally could not move that arm for three days after. It was bent against my abdomen, like your arm would be if it's in a sling.

As I was recalling this story, my myofascial therapist responded, "So your reaction to pain has always been to stiffen up".

I don't know why I never put those two pieces together, but I realize now that she was right. Every time I've been in a painful situation, I have made myself stiff so as not to feel the pain, or at least not to feel it fully. And whatever brought on this intense stiffness that I'm experiencing now (which is more than likely my body responding to years of this), has been much more intense than those 3 days or any other episode ever were.

Knowing this information now, and realizing that this has been a pattern of mine my whole life, I'm more determined than ever to break these habits. I often notice that even when I don't realize it, some area of my body is not relaxed. Sometimes it requires a lot of energy for me to relax and let go of whatever muscles I'm holding on to. And it's not even because of something super traumatic! I have just conditioned my body that this is how I am supposed to react to negative situations.

So where do I go from here? What do I take away from this revelation and the words I read tonight? That I need to acknowledge my pain, feel it, sit in it as long as I need to but also try to see what good possibly came from it. Maybe not every situation in my life is there yet. I'm a work in progress, as we all are, and maybe my body isn't ready for complete healing.

But knowing what I know now, and being more aware of how I've functioned my entire life, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. For many years, I thought I might live with this forever. And while I can't predict the future, I honestly have a lot of faith and hope that this is not going to be my permanent state. I've been in this place for 7.5 years now. Not as severely as I was 2.5 years ago, but it also wasn't as severe as it is now when it started. But I know I have hope that this will change. That I will continue to learn and grow and work on the areas in my life that need work. That I will keep striving forward, tears in my eyes at times, crying through the pain, to be a better version of me. To not be a pain-free version of myself, but a version that doesn't stiffen up and freeze when the pain does come.


******

Oh and in case you were wondering, my headaches were caused by the fact that my neck was out of alignment. My mom took me to a chiropractor after the doctors could find nothing wrong with me and my headache went away after a couple of treatments.

Looking Forward

I've made it a little tradition the past couple of years to write about some hopes and dreams I have for the new year.

I posted about the results of my hopes for 2015 here, in case you missed it.

I think the reality of this being a new year hasn't completely set in yet for me. December was such a busy month that I felt like I barely had time to breathe or think, let alone do some reflection on my life and where I'd like to see it going in 2016.

While this last year was really fun and I have a lot of really great memories from different moments and conversations spent with loved ones, I questioned my purpose a lot. I feel like one of my biggest hopes for this year is to try and figure out what I should be doing with my life. When Josh and I first got married, I was planning to finish school to become a high school English teacher. After some things didn't work out initially for me to finish school, I started thinking that being a teacher might not be the best career path for me. Around that time, we also started doing the college group at our church and it took up a huge part of our lives for over three years. I loved being able to serve in that ministry for the time that we did, and I know God taught us a lot during that time.

While that was going on, we were also in the midst of really trying to get pregnant, only to realize that our plans and our wants obviously weren't what God had in mind for us at that moment in time. It was a really hard road to get to that point, but we are both much happier being on this side of the heartache. Even though we may never have our own children (biological or otherwise), we have gotten to a place where our little family of two is enough...whether that be forever or just for a few more years. So being a mom was what I thought my purpose was for awhile.

After doing the college group, we continued to be involved in other Bible studies and ministries at church. We were both involved in worship (me-singing, Josh-doing the tech side of it), and I was co-leading Bible studies with a few different women. Then leadership changes started happening in our church and we lost and gained pastors. In the midst of those changes and transitional periods, we both stopped being involved with worship, and Josh started to help out with youth again. I have more recently been involved in women's Bible studies again, but there was a period of time where I wasn't doing that either.

So when I say I need to figure out what I should be doing with my life, I mean in an area of service. It's hard for me to commit to something too major because of my body issues (the biggest reason I stopped being involved with worship was because being up on the stage for long periods of time with the stage lights was giving me migraines), but I know I need to be doing more than I'm doing right now. I just don't know what that all looks like yet, so I'm hoping to do some more praying and seeking to try and figure out where I can best serve.

I also still feel very strongly about encouraging women. I think it's something I've been good at (totally not trying to brag here at all, but I really do feel like it's something God has continuously led me to do in my life) and I really need to get into the practice of doing it more often. I've gone back and forth about different ways to make this happen on a more regular basis, so I'm hoping to get some clarity on what this could look like as a ministry or a way to best help others.

As for other things, I know I need to continue to work on balance and letting go of fears in my life. Both are going to take time, but I know it's important that I continue to figure out how best to accomplish both of those things in my life.

I feel like it's ok for this to be all that I'm striving for so far this year. I love the freshness of a new year and how it feels like a clean slate in some ways, but I also know that things change and happen at other times in the year as well. So if things do come up that I feel I need to be working on this year, I will add them to my list for 2016.

Here's to what lies ahead and hopefully learning and growing more!

I Need You

Today was a little rough for me.

I've known for weeks now that I was going to be leading a worship song tonight at church. I was struggling with how to sing it, because a guy normally sings it. I finally decided on a key last night...and changed it today before practice. I just didn't feel comfortable with it at all.

Then, during practice, I just lost it. My voice was cracking, it was making my voice sound funny, and I was just frustrated. I had prayed a lot today before I got there that God would help me get through this song, because I love it so much and I think it's a great worship song...but I was just having such a hard time with it. I seriously almost threw in the towel on it during practice. I was just so frustrated with it.

Thankfully, the second time we went through it, it was a lot better. And only by the grace of God was I able to get through it during worship tonight at church.

There's a part in the song that just kills me and makes my throat catch every time:

Without You, I fall apart

I was definitely feeling like that while singing the song. Every time I tried to make it work of my own strength, I was falling apart. But when I rested in Him and leaned on Him for help, it was so much better.

These past two months have been really hard on me. I have spent so much time worrying and stressing about all these different situations going on...instead of letting God have control. I just kept falling apart, because I couldn't handle them on my own...but I wasn't letting Him handle them either.

This song, this beautiful song, has helped me to remember just how much I really do need Him.



(Lord I Need You by Matt Maher)

Awake

As I look back on the last three and a half years, I see a lot of different things.

Some good, some bad.

I see the times in my life that I was genuinely happy with my lot and with where God had me...

And I see the times that I seriously wondered if God cared about me at all, because He obviously didn't want me to be happy in life.

A beautiful blogger that I recently discovered just finished sharing her own infertility story on her blog this week.

And, as I read her words, I saw so much of myself in them.

The hurt, the longing, the determination to make it happen when I wanted it to...and then the switch...the brokenness, the crying out to God, the trusting, and the truly letting go.

I have plenty of good days and bad days. This year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

But, one thing has always remained: God is still faithful and He's still trying to get me to stop and listen to Him more.

He spoke loud and clear to me during the message at church this week.

He's been speaking to me a lot through the Bible study I've been doing with a few friends.

He's continuing to speak to me through various conversations I've had with amazing people.

And yet, I still have a hard time listening.

I hear it...boy, do I ever hear it...but I still have a hard time really letting those words sink in.

For so many months, my heart was focused on one thing...and that one thing wasn't my Savior.

Because of that, it's been a hard process trying to train myself to focus back on the One who really matters most.

But I'm still trying.

I'm still seeking Him, and I'm still determined to live my life better for Him...I just know I can't do it without asking for His help and for His strength.

At the women's conference my church had a few weeks back, the speaker kept talking about how we have in us the power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead.

I know that's true...but I definitely don't utilize that power very often. I don't ask for God to move in me with that power very much. I don't ask for that power to change a situation in my life.

But I should.

So, I'm still a mess, a work in progress, a girl who desperately wants to trust Jesus with her whole heart and with her whole life...

I may not be there yet...but I'm working my way toward it...

And, thank God that He hasn't given up on me yet.

Emerging Moth

I've been going through the book Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer for the past two months with some women in my life.

While most of it has not been a totally new revelation or something I'd never heard before, this book just makes so much more sense than everything I have heard before. Priscilla presents it in a way that makes you want to slap yourself on the forehead, but also in a practical way that makes it easier to live out.

Anyway, in this past week's chapter, she shares a story of how there was an emperor moth cocoon that her son had been watching, waiting for the moth to emerge. When the day arrived, they both sat there, watching the moth struggle for quite some time. Her son wanted to help out the moth, but she used it as an opportunity to teach her son the importance of struggling. She tells him, "If it gets out too early, without fighting through, it'll be crippled the rest of its life".

Source

In the light of my personal struggles with infertility, I completely see the importance of the struggle. These past three years have been so up and down with where I've been at in my life...but this past six months have been the best I've had in a long time. Because I've finally struggled my way out of the cocoon I'd built around myself...and I've been able to emerge into the moth I was meant to be...the woman who doesn't allow herself to be held down by a seemingly impossible situation. The woman who fully puts her trust in the Lord and His abilities (at least, in this area. Trust me, I still have plenty of control struggles in other areas of my life).

But, if it weren't for the struggle to get out of that place...if I could have just emerged in a snap of my fingers as a new and beautiful moth...I wouldn't have learned the importance of trusting God and letting go of my own desires and wants.

And, that is just not the way God works. As Priscilla says, "Since our heavenly Father's goal is to help us reach our full spiritual potential as believers in Christ, we too will often be challenged by the things He calls us to do".

So today, I'm choosing to embrace the challenges and struggles God puts in my path. Because while they may be tough at first, the end result is definitely worth it.

I'm linking up at:

An {Update} on the Baby Front

For those that haven't been following my blog very long, I shared my story here, as well as on Casey's blog here, about my issues with infertility (I still cringe a little typing out that word).

It's been a little over three years since I stopped taking birth control...and I still don't have a baby.

And, surprisingly? I'm actually pretty ok with it.

There are still days that I long so badly to be a mother. I mostly get that itch when I'm holding one of my nieces, or see a cute baby at church or in the store. But there are also many days that I don't think about it at all.

And while this scared me quite a bit at first, because I thought I was losing the desire altogether to be a mother, I really don't believe this is the case.

I think I'm just finally learning to be content with where my life is right now.


I've said multiple times in the past couple of years that if we had a baby, we wouldn't be able to do half the stuff that we've done (serving projects, overnight retreats, late night hang outs with our friends, etc.)...but I don't think I really believed that and meant it until now.

I seriously have been taking the time to really evaluate my life and what's important to me...and I've seen the things I've been able to accomplish and do. I would not have been able to do very many of them at all (or at least, not in the same way) if I had a small child right now.

While God knows this is still a very big desire of mine, He also knows what's ultimately best for me.

And, right now, I think that where He has us and what He has us doing is best...better than having a baby (at least until that changes, of course).

As far as the technical side of things, we are not pursuing any kinds of treatments or help or testing of any sort at the moment. We really feel strongly that for now, we will just wait things out and see what happens.

If you would have told me three years ago that in three years from that point, I still wouldn't have a baby, I might have fainted. But, having lived the past three years, I'm really ok with it.

I guess I'm really learning that God truly does know what's best for us. Even when we can't see it for ourselves. Even when we are so blinded by the deep desires and longings of our hearts that we refuse to see anything else...His way is always best.

And, as of right now, I am totally ok with that.

A Time to Live

First of all...does it seem like this week flew by to anyone else? Or is it just me?

I seriously feel like Friday just past...

Anyway...

I've had an emotional week...lots of good emotions, but a few bad. It's been a very busy week and I haven't gotten a ton of sleep. I finally got to catch up on things a little bit. I got some laundry done...after not doing any in a week. I replied to some emails that have been sitting in my inbox (for about a week). I'm starting to feel a little more normal...

But...

I finally realized something very important about myself. I haven't been truly living my life in quite some time. I still live a normal life and get to do a lot of fun stuff...but there are definitely things I've put 'on hold' since I started this whole trying to conceive journey. I haven't really exercised regularly for fear of possible harm (I know this wouldn't be the case if I'd been exercising regularly to begin with, but I was just nervous if I started to of what could possibly happen). I haven't gone to the dentist, for fear of the x-rays being harmful. I avoid eating certain foods (like sushi) unless I know without a doubt that I'm not pregnant. I haven't really taken any medication when I've been sick or when I have a headache...again, unless I know I'm not pregnant.

I know some of those things are silly and trivial...but I've just been realizing that I've been walking on eggshells for quite some time now...trying to keep myself free from things that could potentially harm a growing baby. And while I know it's good to take care of your body and be cautious about things when trying to conceive...I think I've gone a little overboard.

So, from now on, I'm no longer worrying about this stuff. I'm just going to live my life and trust that God will take care of me and my future child.

It's a piece of this puzzle that I haven't given up my control over...and I'm honestly sick of having any control. I just want to be me again...and to do things without reservations.

I think I'm going to be a much happier person now.




On an entirely different note, I got a couple of wonderful things at Target this week.

I was getting pretty bored of my shower curtain. I didn't even really like it that much when I bought it...but it was cheap and I knew it would look good with our yellow bathroom. So, when I saw this one, I knew it needed to be a part of my bathroom.

A closer look at the pattern

It's a beautiful navy blue...which compliments the yellow so well

Yes, it's true. I now own this beautiful print! I just need to figure out where I'm going to hang it...perhaps in my room...what do ya think?

I've also decided that I need to exercise on a regular basis...like for reals. One of my friends is doing P90X and asked me to join her...so I'm definitely considering it. I think it would be so good for me.



Ahh...the weekend. It seems like we just had you...but I'm glad you're back.

(Linking up with Casey and Jeannett)

Riding the Waves

I like to have control.

That's no new revelation. Anyone who knows me or who's been reading this blog for quite some time knows that about me.

I have a hard time when things don't go the way I planned...or when things fall apart...or when something interrupts my plans.

If we were all honest, I think most of us would probably admit to being this way a lot of the time.

And yet, I don't really know where this desire to have control stems from...except that it's something that keeps me from letting God have control of my life. Which is huge in and of itself. It's the reason I have such a hard time trusting in His timing and believing that He has a perfect will for my life...because my perfect will would have happened a long time ago.

In my Bible study reading for this week, the author of our book asked how we react to interruptions in our plan. I know how I react...I get upset, I may even freak out a little, and I try to fix it somehow...all before realizing I should have asked God for help in the first place.

But, how are we supposed to react?

This is one of the verses the author shared:

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
(Proverbs 19:21 NIV)

I know I need to rest in that fact all the time. No matter what I plan and how perfect I may make everything fall into place, it is still God's will that prevails. Even if I do everything "right", He still may have another plan. And, I have to be ok with that.

I also realized this week that I have a hard time admitting I need help...with anything. I don't even like to let my husband help me with stuff. I put on this tough act, like I've got everything handled, even though I would love him to help me more. I pretend that all is well with me so that he doesn't have to see the hurts or the struggles I go through...until I just can't hold them in anymore and they burst out (which tends to happen pretty often).

Even today...he came home and he knew I was hurting over something. I started to tear up, but I didn't want to cry...because I know it breaks his heart to watch me cry. So, I sucked it up and wiped them away. He asked me why I wasn't letting myself cry...and I told him because I know that he hates to see me cry. He then said, "But don't you need to cry sometimes?" And, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

He's right. I do need to cry sometimes. I do need to admit that I'm weak and that I need help. I do need to admit that I can't control my life and that I can't do everything myself.

I really want to be better at this letting go thing...I know I'm definitely in a much better place than I was this time last year...but still...not where I'd like to be. And yet, I can't let the goal of letting go become something I could possibly try to control and make happen faster...because then I'm in the same boat all over again (a potentially crazy cycle).

Speaking of boats...I wanted to share a couple of pics from our whale watching experience (all pics taken by my friend Jenn. She's an amazing photographer).

(Humpback whale tail fin)

(The two humpbacks next to each other)

(Dolphins!!)

(These guys were cute...but oh so smelly!)

(Our little group...with the b-day girl in the middle)

(The hubs and I)

Being on that boat helped me learn a little bit about not being able to control my life. The water was really choppy sometimes...so much so that I would feel myself starting to freak out...but I knew that I had to trust the captain. He does this all the time and he knows what he's doing...just like God knows what He's doing.

I'm going to try my best to rest in that this week.

Be blessed.

Letting Go

Remember this post I wrote a few weeks ago?

I felt on top of the world when I wrote that. I knew that God loved me immensely, that He had amazing plans for my life, and that He had never left me. Yet, two and half weeks later, I had forgotten all about that.

Things didn't go the way I thought they were going.

I was let down.
I was hurt.
I was broken.

I actually spoke out loud to my husband that I thought that God didn't want me to be happy or have anything good in my life.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

And, to be perfectly honest, I was a little unnerved. I didn't understand why I felt that way...why I would really think something like that...when I know with absolute certainty that it's not true.
I know God loves me. I know He has good things in store for me...and that He wants good things in my life. I know that.

And yet I let satan tear me down...and I believed his lie.

I'm tearing up just thinking about how low I was in that moment as I bawled my eyes out.

How could I ever doubt the incredible, unconditional love of my Savior? How could I lose sight so quickly of every amazing thing He has done in my life? How could I tell my husband that God didn't want me to have good things in my life, when he is one of the best things that ever happened to me?

(We had lunch at Buca di Beppo on our way. Yum!!)

The theme of the women's retreat I went on this past weekend was Beyond my Comfort Zone - I'm Letting Go.

A.maz.ing.

Isn't it so crazy how God works to get our attention?

I had no idea what to expect for last weekend...and I was blown away.

I met some amazing women, got to know some other women much better, heard amazing messages from our awesome speaker, and allowed Jesus to heal my heart.

It was fabulous...even with all of the crazy weather and roads being closed.

Jesus knew exactly what I needed to hear this weekend...and He made sure I heard it. Loud and clear.


Our theme song for the weekend was perfect, too. It's called I'm Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli. The lyrics are so perfect.

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Jesus is amazing. The fact that He truly does love me so much, even through my doubting, is beyond me. I'm so grateful for that love.

Slapped in the Face...or More Patience

EVERYONE is getting pregnant.

Seriously.

Ok, not everyone.

That is definitely an exaggeration.

But just this week, I found out two other FB friends are pregnant.
And, I have at least 6 other friends who are also expecting.

I am SO happy for them. Truly. I am so glad that God is choosing to bless their lives with a little bundle of joy...as many of them are having their first.

Yet...

I can't help but feel slapped in the face every time it happens. Is this some kind of sick joke? Does God really want me to suffer this much?

We are quickly approaching the two year mark of the day I stopped taking my birth control pills. We just hit our third wedding anniversary yesterday. And, I can't help but feel like I've been patient enough...and it should be my time now.

But...

Is that what God wants for me? To demand that my timing is better than His? The CREATOR of the universe? The One who knew me before I was even conceived?
A friend of mine posted this verse in her blog a couple of days ago...and it was in the chapter I was reading in Crazy Love this week. Coincidence? I think not...

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.
(Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)

God set me apart for a purpose...HIS purpose. Why am I constantly trying to think that my purpose and my will are better than His? I know I will get pregnant when the timing is right...and yet...some days it's just so hard to hold onto that truth.

Oh Jesus, I really need Your help to be more patient...especially on these days when I want nothing but my own will. Help me learn to trust You more and more.

Peace

So, I was really freaking out tonight.

We are leaving tomorrow for our anniversary trip...and there is a storm coming. It's supposed to be raining on our way there...two of the days we are there...and on the way home...with a possibility of snow in certain parts. Crazyness!
Me, being the calm, rational, non-worrier that I am (ahem), took this news with stride...and did what I do best...freak out. I started looking up the hour by hour weather, trying to see how bad it was going to be. I looked up weather along our route to see what parts of our journey might be the worst. I started thinking, what if we can't go? What if we get stuck on the way there or back? What if all the money we put into this is lost because it doesn't work out?
Then, I remembered something...

Oh yeah...

God doesn't want me to worry.

So I opened up my Bible and wrote this verse down as one to work on memorizing. I'm pretty sure I've used it in other blogs...and if I haven't...I really should have:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7, NIV)

I really do wish I wasn't such a worrier. I really do wish that I thought of asking God to calm my nerves at the very beginning. I really do wish I wasn't such a problem solver...and let God solve more of my problems for me.

Sigh.

I am going to spend some more time praying and reflecting on God...and trust that He's got this...and I don't have to worry about it one single bit.

Beauty in the Breakdown

It's funny to me how things work out the way they do.
When I picked the songs for the playlist on this blog, I pretty much just picked songs that I liked. I thought the first song fit well...Let Go...well, because that it what this journey is all about...letting go. But, I guess I hadn't really paid attention to the words much recently. I think it's very fitting to this whole journey.

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
(Let Go by Frou Frou)

I think this is my biggest issue with everything in my life. I don't like jumping into things. I don't like the unknown...the possibility of taking a risk that could end badly. But, that is what faith is. It's a jump into the unknown...with the possibility that it could end badly... And, even though I believe it won't end badly, I act like stepping out in faith is like jumping off a diving board and not knowing if I will make it or not. I just don't trust enough that God really has my back, my best in mind, and that He's got it covered. If I did, this wouldn't be a constant struggle for me. I know He wants me to just let go and get in the water, because there's beauty in the breakdown. I've seen evidence of it recently...I've seen the beauty come out of my life and the lives of those around me when we take the risk. It's just the breakdown part that isn't so fun...but oh so necessary.
Oh heart, it's ok to let go. He really does have it.

Dirty Dishes

I think I've realized recently how anal retentive I really am.
I guess I never saw myself as being OCD. I mean, I know that I like to do things a certain way, but I guess I never saw it as being anal or obsessive. I guess this all dawned on me yesterday as I was doing the dishes.
While I was sick this weekend, Josh had helped me out by loading up the dishwasher and making me food and such. There were more dishes in the sink yesterday, so I checked the dishwasher to see how much more I could put in there. But when I opened it up, I couldn't help but notice the way he'd loaded it. The sharp knives were interspersed between the rest of the silverware, the glass cutting board was in there, and he'd put the measuring cups in the silverware spots. While none of these things are horrible, I immediately pulled everything out and re-arranged them the way I would have loaded them. I hand washed the glass cutting board, put all the sharp knives in one of the silverware slots, and put the measuring cups on the top shelf in the dishwasher. I then proceeded to clean up the rest of the kitchen and put everything back in its 'place'.
But I guess the more I thought about it, the more I realized how silly it is for me to be so insistent on certain things being done my way. It wouldn't have hurt any of those items to be washed the way Josh had arranged them. They still would have come out clean and ready for their next use. And then I began to think about how similar this instance is to my relationship with God.
I insist on doing things my way all the time with God. I do whatever I can to make sure things happen the way I want them to...and when something goes wrong, I go to God and ask Him to fix it for me. Whereas if I just let things go and let things happen the way He wants them to, everything would come out great. Just like the dishes in the dishwasher still would have come out great the way Josh put them in there.
Isn't it amazing how God uses the little things in life to teach us lessons? If only I would learn this lesson and not have to keep reliving it all the time. Letting go and losing control...and letting God take over.
This also helped me a lot this week:
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. (James 4:13-17 NIV)

Pressing On...

It's so weird to me...the way life works...
Two blogs ago, I wrote about the obsession that had taken over my life. And, how I had realized what was going on and decided to let it go.
It's amazing what letting go can really look like...
I haven't hardly struggled with it at all. I barely even think about it once a day. It's crazy to me that letting go of something that bound me so tightly has changed so much of my life.
I am still trying to figure out how to get everything in my life back on track, but not obsessing about that one thing has freed me so much.
I have this desire to just write and read and soak up so much in life. I just want to enjoy every second that I can. I don't want to go to bed anymore. I just want to stay up and learn and discover things I didn't know before. But, I force myself to sleep so I can energize myself for the following day.
I have been having vivid dreams lately, too. It's crazy to me. I used to dream every night...for years and years and years...and yet, they seemed to kind of go away the last couple of years. Not that I wasn't dreaming sometimes, but it seems like I'm dreaming a lot more...or maybe I'm just getting the right kind of sleep. Maybe trying not to obsess about things freed up my mind at night as well as during the day. Hmm...what a concept, huh?
I just feel different. I want to take care of myself, to get things done, to seek out others and pour into their lives. I've even been making it a point to try and put makeup on every day. That may seem like a silly thing, but I love experimenting with all my eye shadow colors and coming up with different combinations. It's like painting a tiny picture on my face, a picture I can manipulate and change every day to display something different, something exciting, something unique. If that's crazy, I'm ok with that. But truly, I think it's fun to put on makeup. These last couple of months, I haven't had a desire to do that. It's amazing how one little thing consumed my thoughts and changed everything I did in life.
I also am trying my best to just be me. To be the person God created me to be. To trust Him to lead me into situations, into people's lives, to do His will. It's not always an easy or fun road, but it's the road I've chosen, and it's the road that's bringing me a lot of joy in life.
I am reminded of my year verse from 2009. The women's Bible study I used to be a part of got together on the morning of January 1st, 2009. We made these really cool bookmarks. The main part of the bookmark is a verse. The other part consists of nine different colored ribbons, each representing a woman and her past and future. We each picked a color that we liked or we felt represented ourselves, and shared about our previous year and what we hoped the year 2009 would bring us. I keep this bookmark tucked in my Bible, in whatever passage we are going through in my Wednesday night Bible study. Each time I look at it, I am reminded of that morning, those women, and what those ribbons represent. I also love to read through the verse that we chose to use as our year verse. It is Philippians 3:12-14 (NLT):
I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be....I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I strain to the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.

That is what I want. I want to forget about my past and keep looking forward to what God has for me. It is the only way I can live my life right now, and it's the only way I want to live it from here on out.

Be Still

I feel like I just experienced one of the toughest, but most amazing weeks in my life. This time on Sunday night, I never would have thought I would feel the way I do this very moment. I am probably going to have a really hard time putting it all into words, but here goes...
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...

1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.

I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!