Pain and Trauma

I still haven't really decided what I want to do with this space yet.

It's been five months since I've typed up a new blog post, but today I got the itch to write.

I've been reading Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis this month with my Color Street team. I have found many amazing things in this book that have really stuck out to me, but I think the chapter I read today took the cake.

One of the things that really struck me was this:

You cannot ignore your pain. You cannot ever leave it behind completely. The only thing you can do is find a way to embrace the good that came out of it - even if it takes you years to discover what that is (chapter 15: The Lie: I will never get past this).

One of the things I've been learning about myself over the past 2.75 years that I've been doing myofascial release therapy is that I have literally been responding to trauma and painful situations the same way my entire life: I freeze or stiffen up. I was reminded this week while at one of my appointments of a painful experience that happened in my childhood.

I was in elementary school and was literally in a constant state of headache. My mom took me to the doctor and they ran a bunch of tests. One was some sort of CT scan. I believe it was a contrast CT, because I was being injected with some kind of liquid when this painful experience took place. The man injecting me was having an issue finding my vein, and instead of pulling it out and trying again, he was moving the needle in my arm back and forth to try to find it. Honestly, it was one of the most painful things I've ever had to endure! I literally could not move that arm for three days after. It was bent against my abdomen, like your arm would be if it's in a sling.

As I was recalling this story, my myofascial therapist responded, "So your reaction to pain has always been to stiffen up".

I don't know why I never put those two pieces together, but I realize now that she was right. Every time I've been in a painful situation, I have made myself stiff so as not to feel the pain, or at least not to feel it fully. And whatever brought on this intense stiffness that I'm experiencing now (which is more than likely my body responding to years of this), has been much more intense than those 3 days or any other episode ever were.

Knowing this information now, and realizing that this has been a pattern of mine my whole life, I'm more determined than ever to break these habits. I often notice that even when I don't realize it, some area of my body is not relaxed. Sometimes it requires a lot of energy for me to relax and let go of whatever muscles I'm holding on to. And it's not even because of something super traumatic! I have just conditioned my body that this is how I am supposed to react to negative situations.

So where do I go from here? What do I take away from this revelation and the words I read tonight? That I need to acknowledge my pain, feel it, sit in it as long as I need to but also try to see what good possibly came from it. Maybe not every situation in my life is there yet. I'm a work in progress, as we all are, and maybe my body isn't ready for complete healing.

But knowing what I know now, and being more aware of how I've functioned my entire life, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. For many years, I thought I might live with this forever. And while I can't predict the future, I honestly have a lot of faith and hope that this is not going to be my permanent state. I've been in this place for 7.5 years now. Not as severely as I was 2.5 years ago, but it also wasn't as severe as it is now when it started. But I know I have hope that this will change. That I will continue to learn and grow and work on the areas in my life that need work. That I will keep striving forward, tears in my eyes at times, crying through the pain, to be a better version of me. To not be a pain-free version of myself, but a version that doesn't stiffen up and freeze when the pain does come.


******

Oh and in case you were wondering, my headaches were caused by the fact that my neck was out of alignment. My mom took me to a chiropractor after the doctors could find nothing wrong with me and my headache went away after a couple of treatments.

Moving Forward

It's taken me awhile to find the time to write this post.

I've been meaning to do it for a few weeks now but life has been very busy.

I've been writing this post every January for a few years now. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions but I like to share some goals and hopes I have for myself for the year.

I feel like I'm still working on some of my goals from the past two years: balance and letting go of fears. Both are getting easier and easier, but I still struggle with both daily. I'm trying to focus on how best to balance my two jobs and normal life stuff. I was exercising 5 times a week for awhile there but I haven't been doing that on a regular basis since October. I'm still going to Pilates every week but that's only one day a week. I know I feel so much better when I exercise on a regular basis so I need to find a way to get it back into my normal routine.

I also feel like I need to make more time to connect with people. Facebook has that On This Day feature that constantly reminds you of what you did on that day in different years. And I used to spend a lot more time with people one on one. My schedule is kind of hectic these days and I don't ever have a day "off" anymore unless I purposefully schedule one, so I have harder time finding the time to set up those one on one hang outs. But I miss them and I miss connecting with people that way. So that is one of my goals that goes along with balance.

One of my hopes for this year is to continue to strive to look more like Jesus. I feel like my faith has been stretched so much in the past few years and I've learned a lot and grown in ways I never expected to. I've had ups and downs, and I feel like I've gained a lot of wisdom, but I know I have so much more to learn. It's hard to describe all of it, but I really want to keep pursuing and keep striving and keep moving forward.

2016 was a good year. We had a lot of fun, we spent a lot of time with friends and family and we experienced a lot of changes. Life always has its ups and downs, but I'd say 2016 was a year of growth. I'm looking forward to the challenges and good times 2017 is going to bring.

Looking Forward

I've made it a little tradition the past couple of years to write about some hopes and dreams I have for the new year.

I posted about the results of my hopes for 2015 here, in case you missed it.

I think the reality of this being a new year hasn't completely set in yet for me. December was such a busy month that I felt like I barely had time to breathe or think, let alone do some reflection on my life and where I'd like to see it going in 2016.

While this last year was really fun and I have a lot of really great memories from different moments and conversations spent with loved ones, I questioned my purpose a lot. I feel like one of my biggest hopes for this year is to try and figure out what I should be doing with my life. When Josh and I first got married, I was planning to finish school to become a high school English teacher. After some things didn't work out initially for me to finish school, I started thinking that being a teacher might not be the best career path for me. Around that time, we also started doing the college group at our church and it took up a huge part of our lives for over three years. I loved being able to serve in that ministry for the time that we did, and I know God taught us a lot during that time.

While that was going on, we were also in the midst of really trying to get pregnant, only to realize that our plans and our wants obviously weren't what God had in mind for us at that moment in time. It was a really hard road to get to that point, but we are both much happier being on this side of the heartache. Even though we may never have our own children (biological or otherwise), we have gotten to a place where our little family of two is enough...whether that be forever or just for a few more years. So being a mom was what I thought my purpose was for awhile.

After doing the college group, we continued to be involved in other Bible studies and ministries at church. We were both involved in worship (me-singing, Josh-doing the tech side of it), and I was co-leading Bible studies with a few different women. Then leadership changes started happening in our church and we lost and gained pastors. In the midst of those changes and transitional periods, we both stopped being involved with worship, and Josh started to help out with youth again. I have more recently been involved in women's Bible studies again, but there was a period of time where I wasn't doing that either.

So when I say I need to figure out what I should be doing with my life, I mean in an area of service. It's hard for me to commit to something too major because of my body issues (the biggest reason I stopped being involved with worship was because being up on the stage for long periods of time with the stage lights was giving me migraines), but I know I need to be doing more than I'm doing right now. I just don't know what that all looks like yet, so I'm hoping to do some more praying and seeking to try and figure out where I can best serve.

I also still feel very strongly about encouraging women. I think it's something I've been good at (totally not trying to brag here at all, but I really do feel like it's something God has continuously led me to do in my life) and I really need to get into the practice of doing it more often. I've gone back and forth about different ways to make this happen on a more regular basis, so I'm hoping to get some clarity on what this could look like as a ministry or a way to best help others.

As for other things, I know I need to continue to work on balance and letting go of fears in my life. Both are going to take time, but I know it's important that I continue to figure out how best to accomplish both of those things in my life.

I feel like it's ok for this to be all that I'm striving for so far this year. I love the freshness of a new year and how it feels like a clean slate in some ways, but I also know that things change and happen at other times in the year as well. So if things do come up that I feel I need to be working on this year, I will add them to my list for 2016.

Here's to what lies ahead and hopefully learning and growing more!

Happy New Year!

2014 is now over.

While I am a little sad to see it end, I'm also very excited for a new year and the freshness it brings...as well as the many good (and bad) things that are coming soon.

A couple of posts ago, I talked about how I have a few hopes and dreams for 2015...as I am not a New Year's Resolution kind of girl.

One of those hopes is to figure out my neck issues and to be able to manage them better. As I have now been living with these issues for three and a half years, I'm ready for some progress in this area. I have learned some good methods of reducing my pain to help me feel more comfortable and to help me sleep better, but I would love to have this thing figured out so I don't have these restrictions any longer.

I also want to get more involved in encouraging other women through Bible study or something like that. It's been almost two years now that I was last involved in any sort of women's Bible study and I really feel like I need to be involved in one again. Whether that means I'm leading/co-leading or attending, I'm not sure. But it's something I feel I need to pursue this year.

There are also a lot of different possibilities I've been thinking on and praying about, and I'm excited to see what doors God opens and closes when it comes to them.

I'm really excited for some things that we have planned and some events that are coming up. I'm excited for the changes that are happening/going to happen in our church. And I'm excited to see how God is going to mold and grow Josh and I this year.

2014 was a good year.

Here's to 2015!

God is Working

This has been one of the best years.

I've gotten to see, hug, and spend time with so many amazing people. People I missed seeing last year, people I hadn't gotten to spend a lot of time with in previous years. I look back on the pictures and the things we did this year...and I just smile. It's been so full.

It's also been very hard. I have dealt with a lot personally, as have many people in my life. I have walked through some very hard situations, and walked alongside of family and friends who are dealing with some very heavy stuff. There's been a lot to be sad and hurt about this year.

But in spite of all that, I can still see the good. I see how amazing life has been. I see how much my friends and family have grown through their trials. I see how God has worked in incredible ways in and through those people. I see the good things that are sprouting up from those seeds of sadness and hurt.

I don't think I've understood more than I do this year of what it means when it says in Romans 8:28 that we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. All things. Even the really ugly, incredibly painful and depressing things. Every last one of them.

I look back on my life and I see how God has constantly been working in me, changing me into the person I am today. And I know He has so much more work to do. But it's crazy for me to see how different I was 10 years ago, getting ready to turn 20, compared to where I am now, getting ready to turn 30. I am so grateful for the hard things, the tough lessons, the trials, the tears, and everything else I've ever had to endure...because it has brought me here.

And even though life can be really hard, it really is so beautiful.

A Belated Christmas Wish

I hope you had a blessed and joyous Christmas.

To read a beautiful post about the hope we can have today, the day after Christmas, click here.

Tests

Life is chock full of tests.

Some are written, some are oral.

Some are graded, some grant credit.

Some bring smiles to people's faces, other's bring tears of sorrow.

Some we go through on a daily basis, others are once in a lifetime...or come and go.

Regardless of the kind of test, we all deal with 'em.


In light of dealing with some various kinds of tests myself, I hope my response will be a positive one. I hope the light of Jesus will shine through me...even on days when it might be really hard to do so. I hope God will get a lot of glory.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
(James 1:2-6, NIV)

Amen.

(Linking up with Casey)

The Power of Hope

I got a huge glimmer of hope this week.

An amazing, powerful, wonderful reminder that God can do what He says He can do.

I just had this overwhelming peace and love envelope me this week.

And, wouldn't you know it...stupid satan tried to ruin it all. Someone tried very hard to squash my hope...and I almost let them...but when I realized what was going on, I put my foot down.
Hope is such a powerful thing. It gives flight to the realization that things really could turn out good...or a dream really could come true...or that God really is trustworthy.
The events of this week made me want to look up a bunch of verses on hope. I decided to share a few of them with you (all taken from the NIV):

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
(Psalm 25:4-6)

In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.
(Psalm 33:21-22)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
(Psalm 62:5-6)

Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.
(Psalm 119:116)

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
(Psalm 130:5)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
(Romans 12:12)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15:13)

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
(Hebrews 10:22-24)

Oh man...

Putting our hope in people on this earth will only let us down. I can hope all I want that a person will change their ways...but that doesn't mean they will. I can hope with everything in me that a friend will realize how much they need God in their lives...but that doesn't mean they'll actually make that decision. And yet, when we put our hope in God, all these things are possible.
I love how Psalm 103:5 says that, "...in his word, I put my hope." That is where our hope should reside. And, Hebrews 10:23 says, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess." The hope we should be professing is the hope we have in Christ! The hope He's given us by the mere fact that we can take Him at His word. He fulfills His promises. He is trustworthy. He is never going to leave us or forsake us.

Where has your hope been lying? In those around you? Or in your Savior? Do you truly believe He can do what He says He can do...and that He WILL do it? Or, do you doubt?

Trust me...I've been in the doubting camp a lot. I was just there last week, in fact. I still have my moments. But I'm learning to hold onto hope...because my God will fulfill His promises in my life...and in yours. Praise be to Him!

(Taken on our trip to Santa Cruz in January. I didn't get a good pic of the beach from the retreat, so this beach will have to do)

(Note: The phrase "God can do what He says He can do" comes from Beth Moore's Believing God study. It's amazing. If you've never checked out a Beth Moore study before, I definitely recommend that one.)

Mid-Twenties

My little sister turned 24 today.
She posted on her Facebook about how she felt old...because she's almost in her mid-twenties. I thought it was kind of funny, but I just sort of shrugged it off. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am in my mid-twenties. I am right there, in the midst of it all.
I don't think I got the opportunity this year to really contemplate my birthday and getting older...and turning 25. With everything that was going on with my uncle and my crazy obsessive three months, I don't think I truly stopped to ponder what it means to be 25. I am in my mid-twenties. I am no longer closer to being a teenager than I am to 30. I am well on my way there. Less than 5 years away.
So I started thinking about where I was at 20, 5 years before now. How different my life was back then. Josh and I became friends and started dating when I was 20. I experienced that wonderful "first kiss" with him that year. We dated...broke up...got back together...broke up...got back together that year. But the day I turned 20, I had no idea any of that would happen. I never would have guessed that 5 years from that day, I would be married to Josh, who I barely even knew at the time. In fact, I remember on that birthday, I had given up the idea of having a boyfriend for awhile. I had been single for a year and a half and had been hoping to find Mr. Right in the near future. But when I turned 20, I gave it up to God and said, "Whenever you want to bring him along, that's fine. But I'm done looking". Funny how God works sometimes, huh?
Now, I sit here at 25, looking back on the last 5 years, and wondering what the next 5 have in store for me. There are definitely a few things I would like to happen in that time frame, but realistically, there is no way for me to know that they will. But that's the thing I love about dreams...
Dreams give me so much hope. I love it when that moment comes in the middle of the day, when a wonderful idea or thought pops into my head and I think, "Yeah, I'd like it". I dream of what those things would be like in my life, how different they would make my world, and how much I'd enjoy them. It's those dreams that make this short road to 30 seem more bearable.
Someone asked me the other day if the thought of being 30 scared me. But the truth is, it really doesn't. The day I turn 30 might scare me a little, knowing my twenties will be gone, but I think 30 is going to be amazing.
I guess I just like to look at it in light of how the 20s have been so far. While I've had my share of heartaches and trials, I've had so many wonderful blessings to make up for them. I can't even imagine how different my life would be at this point if my 20s would have gone differently...even in the slightest way. These past 5 years have molded me, changed me, and shaped me into the woman I am today. The woman who is eagerly looking forward to what the next 5 years hold. The woman who is trying to live every moment and enjoy what it brings, knowing that the moment after it is going to bring even more amazing things.
So I am embracing this place in life, these mid-twenties. I don't feel old, but I definitely feel older than I did at 20...but in a good way. I feel more mature, more relaxed, more focused, and more excited about life. And that is what makes the mid-twenties worth it.