Oh One. Two Oh One Seven

I struggle often with what I should share in this space.

Part of me thinks blogging is a dying art and I should give up on it. After all, I use it mostly as a "diary" these days to give a summary of what we do each month. Posts about anything else are so few and far between.

And it's not because I don't have things I could share. I more struggle with the time to be able to do so. And knowing how much is too much to share.

So I've kept things very simple the past two years, because that is what has worked the best for me.

Many people started reading this blog after I started to share our journey with infertility. I always meant for this space to be somewhere where people could come and find encouragement or comradery or a safe place to land. And I'm not sure it's always been that place this past few years.

So with this new year, I've been trying to figure out if I'm going to continue to write monthly posts or try to use this space more for it's original intended purpose.

And I haven't really come to a good conclusion.

So for now, I'm just going to write when I feel like it and see what happens.

****

We've been talking at church the past few weeks about being safe people for others. And how each of us should have 3-10 safe people in our lives. It struck my heart so much because I've craved those kinds of relationships my whole life. And because I strive to be a safe person for all of my friends.

I'm so thankful to have quite a few safe people in my life. I may not have had many (if any) in jr. high or very many in high school but I'm so thankful that I have many safe friends as an adult.

Being a safe person means being someone that listens, that gives their full attention, that is trustworthy and that doesn't try to fix things or offer advice immediately. Safe people are not judgmental and allow people to feel and express themselves as they need to.

One of my goals for this year is to spend more one-on-one time with people, as I have in the past. I want to be a safe person that people feel comfortable sharing their hearts with. And I think these two goals go hand in hand.

There's been so much division and hatred in our country in the last few months (not that it didn't exist before, because it obviously did. But it's come to the surface more in recent months). I just want to love people better. Even if I don't agree with them. Especially if I don't agree with them. And that starts with being a safe person.

****

January has always been one of my favorite months. Partly because it's a new year (and right after my favorite holiday, Christmas), and partly because it's the month I was born. January just always makes me excited for the future and for the year ahead.

This January was a good one. It was a month full of birthday celebrations, for myself and for others.

 P.W.'s 2nd birthday party!

 Wine tasting for mine and A.B.'s birthdays

Me and my fellow January birthday friend

 Dancing with some friends for mine and R.J.'s birthdays

I'm so thankful for these moments and for these people. Here's to February!

On My Mind

I haven't done a very good job of sharing my heart in this space lately.

I think for privacy reasons and for feeling like there are a lot of pieces of my story I can't share, (because part of it involves other people's stories) I've been very nervous to share anything.

So while there are things I can't talk about, there are some things I feel I need to say.

My family suffered a great loss over a year ago. It's something that still hurts and still brings a lot of sad thoughts and feelings. It's something I don't think we will ever fully "get over" and I don't think we are supposed to.

That term "get over" really bothers me. I think we assume that once "enough" time has passed, people should just be able to move on from their hurt feelings. But life isn't that simple. Loss isn't that simple. Hurt and pain are not that simple. The memories don't just disappear. Your love for someone doesn't just go away overnight. The pain may lessen and the memories may not pop up as often, but that doesn't mean we've gotten over it.

A lot of the people I love the most in this world have been and are currently dealing with very painful situations. Separation from loved ones (not by choice), cancer, betrayal, physical ailments, etc. The kinds of things that make one question God's love for His children. While I don't always understand why these situations are happening and while I don't always understand God's ultimate plan for our lives, I can say that I've seen Him evident in every single situation. I can say that I've seen Him mold and change and grow people to look more like Him through these hard times. I can say that I have seen beauty come up from these ashes.

Prayer is one of the things I struggle with the most. It's not that I don't pray, but I'm not very consistent with it. And when I do pray, it's often for someone else or for one of these situations mentioned above. I have a harder time praying for myself, because it sometimes seems selfish when I compare my thoughts and needs to those around me. But I know deep down inside that it's not about whose need is greater, because we all need God. My need for Him is just as great as yours, even if our situations are much different.

And I think that's what He's teaching me the most right now. That my need for Him is not determined by how hard my life is or how ok I might think I am. It's determined by my daily, hourly need of a Savior, of someone to love me and lead me in the direction He wants me to go. I can't and shouldn't try to do life on my own. I need His help and His wisdom and guidance every single second of my life.

My BCBs and I recently finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. While I had read it before in high school and remembered a few things about the story, there was so much that struck me this second time around. The faith and trust that both Corrie and her sister showed was incredible. The way that God used them before, during, and after their time in the concentration camp is so inspiring to me. To be that open and that in tune with God is something I definitely long for. Reading those pages again made me realize just how little my actions reflect my need for a Savior on a daily basis.

So while I may feel like my current situation in life is not as hard as the situations in the lives around me, my need for God is not any less. In the good times and bad, I need my Savior.

Randoms for the Week

I started writing out a post the other day about all the things that I'm not doing in my life right now that I wish I was doing.

After typing it all out, I decided it was not going to be published. When I re-read it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded.

Here I am, writing about all these things I need to change or add or do differently in my life...when what I should have done was close my laptop, get up, and do them! I have since made a point to start changing some things in my life.

I love having down time and relaxing, but I'm realizing that I crave a lot more than just that. And instead of writing about it, I need to just get up and do it sometimes.

*****

We watched the series finale of The Office last night with some friends. I had been dreading and anticipating this moment all week...I just have such a hard time saying goodbye to shows. It wasn't as intense as I felt when LOST ended, but it still felt like I was losing some of my best friends. The last couple of episodes leading up to the finale were so good...I told my husband that fact alone was making it even harder to say goodbye. The show hasn't been the same since Steve Carell left, but those episodes were really making up for it for me. So while last night's episode was hard to watch, I couldn't have been happier with the way they ended things. And man...some of the wisdom they imparted to us viewers was just priceless:

Be strong.

Trust yourself.

Love yourself.

Conquer your fears.

And fast...

because life just isn't that long.

(The Office)

*****

The tough stuff in life is still tough...but we are slowly getting to the light at the end of the tunnel in some of the situations. We have definitely felt people's prayers and are so grateful for them as we keep walking these roads. My heart gets overwhelmed if I dwell on things too long, but knowing other people are out there thinking of us and praying for us has been such a huge blessing.

*****

I am finally getting to the bottom of some of my neck and back issues. My doctor sent me to another department and I've had some tests done already to try and figure out what's going on. While we haven't gotten a lot of answers yet, some of the tests have come back normal, so that's at least encouraging. I'm also going to be getting some pain relief next week that I am super excited about. For someone who's been living with pain and stiffness for almost two years now...this news is incredible!

*****

I am still plugging along with the healthy eating thing! There have only been one or two days in the last two weeks that I've gone over on my calories...and I haven't had any soda in three weeks! I don't even miss it anymore, which is crazy to me. I'm learning to love the foods that I've been eating and I'm craving things like avocados and mandarins all the time now. Iced unsweetened green tea is my favorite drink right now, other than water. It's crazy living in this world, but I'm loving every minute of it.

*****

My oldest niece is turning 6 next week! Where has the time gone? We got to meet her the day she came home from the hospital and it was the best day ever. She brings so much joy to our family, even though she lives far away now. We are so in love with all of our nieces and are so blessed and such better people with them in our lives.

*****

I haven't talked a lot lately about my infertility issues. They are still there, and I am obviously still not pregnant or a mother. It's weird to be over four years on this road looking back at all of the trials and hard times we had to endure along the way. While I still have a great desire to be a mom someday, I also am really happy with where I'm at right now. Especially with all the pain issues I've had the past couple of years...I think getting pregnant during that time would have been so horrible. I trust God knows what He's doing in my life and this season will pass someday...

There's also a part of me that is kind of freaked out at the possibility of becoming pregnant. I've watched a lot of people in my life walk through some very hard things in their pregnancies and the thought of having to go through something like that really scares me. I know I have to trust in God's plan for my life, and I have to trust that whatever happens, I will be fine...but there's still a part of me that's a little scared.

*****

This weekend is full of fun! I'm going out dancing with some friends, we are attending a sweet little girl's 1st birthday party, and I have Bunco with my friends. I'm hoping we will be able to squeeze in seeing Star Trek as well!

Need a new way to follow my blog? Check out bloglovin here.

Learning

I feel that word defines so much of my year.

Learning...

I continually go back to the subject of my infertility, but it's because I would not be the person I am today without it.

Every year that has gone by (and we are quickly approaching the four year mark), I keep thinking that I've learned all the lessons God wanted to teach me through it...and yet something else happens and my world is turned upside down. This year has been no different.

It has been different in the sense that I've changed and grown and had to let go of a lot of the things I was holding onto so dearly last year. I've learned a lot about family relationships, friendships, ministry, the way a marriage is supposed to be, my relationship with God, and myself. I've had to face some very ugly parts of myself (some I am still facing) and had to accept other things. My heart has changed in ways I never thought possible, and my mind has allowed itself to open up to things that are good for me that I've kept out for too long.

To say this year was a good one for me would be a true statement...but it was also one of the hardest years I've ever had to live. Learning to be content has been a process I've been going through for three years now...and I still don't know that I'm quite there yet...but I am definitely more there than I was this time last year.

I can honestly, without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of pain in my heart, say that I would be perfectly fine with my life if Josh and I never have kids of our own.

Shocking? Maybe to some. But for me? This has been the biggest part of my healing process.

No little girl imagines that her dreams of being a mommy won't come true. No little girl pictures herself struggling with the ability to get pregnant. No little girl thinks her life will ever be full of so much pain and hurt that she cries sad tears when her best friend tells her she's pregnant.

But all those things have been my reality these past few years.

Honestly, the pain has all but disappeared. The longing to experience motherhood is still there, but it's morphed and changed into something not so desperate. I have had many different people tell me that the relationships I have built with high school and college students make me a mom already...and I have really taken that to heart. God put this desire within me to be a mom, but He never said exactly how it was going to look. I've had the joy of being able to experience it in different ways, and I look forward to whatever ways I will be able to experience it in the future.

I look back on old blog posts, old journal entries, old emails to friends...and I honestly don't always recognize that person. She makes my heart sad. She makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her to just trust and truly let go...because it's the key to her happiness.

But this past year has been about so much more than learning to be content with my life the way it is.

I've learned that some friendships really do stand the test of time. I've learned that others only last for a season...and sometimes that season can be really long or really short.

I've learned that putting other people's needs before my own is one of the hardest things to do...but it's also one of the most rewarding.

I've learned that date nights and time spent having real conversations with my husband are truly needed...and are not things to take for granted.

I've learned that time really is short...and we waste way too much of it thinking about petty, stupid things that don't matter one bit.

I've learned that sometimes stepping away from situations for a time can really help you see the value in them...and can help you to remember why you were in them in the first place.

I've learned that I need to speak sometimes instead of remaining quiet.

There are so many things that I can't (and won't) share in this space. Things that are far too personal about myself or about the people that I love. But what I can share is that while this year has been very tough...and I've had to do some major relationship mending and had some serious heart adjustments...it's also been one of the most humbling times I've ever experienced.

Every relationship I'm in needs lots of work...as do all relationships in general...but I've learned so much this year about what is important to me, what needs to be cherished, what needs to be let go of, and what just doesn't matter in the long run.

As we quickly approach Christmas...and I'm already starting to get anxious and sad about it almost being over...I can say with a happy heart that I have really tried much harder this year to take the time to quiet myself before the Lord. I missed days on my advent reading and had to catch up...but my heart has continually longed for my time with Him. It's amazing how much of a difference it has made this year.

So while I am no closer to having it all figured out than I was last year, I definitely feel a little more prepared to tackle next year and the challenges it will bring. I am looking forward to Christmas next week and taking the time out to remember why we even do any sort of celebrating this time of year.

I am content. And that is an amazing feeling.

Overcoming

I had the opportunity last week to briefly share my story with a woman I had never met before.

I was at a jewelry party my friend was hosting and the consultant asked me why I wanted the particular charm that I purchased.

It's message was simple: tell your story.

I proceeded to explain to her that I have felt God calling me more and more to share my story with others, because I know it needs to be heard. I know I am not the only one who has ever been in this situation...nor will I be the last. But, what has gotten me through time and time again has been the encouragement of knowing that I'm not alone, that there is healing when I open my mouth and speak these words out loud...and that God still has a plan for me.

The first time I told my story on here was quite a while ago. I knew then it needed to be shared. While I was touched by the many emails I received from my post here and from my guest post on Casey's blog, I was more blown away that God used me to speak His words to other women. I am such a wretch most days, so far from the woman I know I should be...and yet my Savior is still able to use me, some way, somehow, to shine His light.

I never thought I would be here, over three and a half years of waiting, and still not have a child to call my own. But I also never could have dreamed I would learn so much, and experience multiple blessings, because of it.

I was drawn to Isaiah 43 tonight. I thought it was fitting for where my heart is (I would encourage you to read the whole chapter, to understand the context better). Here are just a few of the verses that really stood out to me:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing! 

 Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

(Isaiah 43:18-19, NIV)

It's easy in this journey to dwell on the hard stuff, to remember all the painful things, and to wish I could go back to that very first day I stopped taking my pills and tell myself to just trust God. But I can't focus on the past. I can't focus on the things I've done wrong and the things that haven't happened yet. God is doing something new in me...and has been through this whole process. He is refining me and is bringing something beautiful in this wasteland I have lived in. I spent many days in this journey very sad and depressed, longing for a child to hold in my arms. And this whole time, God has been preparing a new and exciting path for me to take...one that I still don't fully understand and can't imagine yet. 

I don't know where your heart is, or what things you are trying to deal with or overcome in your life...but I promise you God still has a plan, He is right there with you, and He is preparing you for something you can't even imagine right now.

The Need for Balance

I have been thinking a lot lately about my heart for this blog and my need for balance.

About a year ago, I sensed major change coming in my life. And it came...and it came...and it came again.

I have been experiencing a lot of change this past year.

Things I never would have expected to happen in my heart have been happening.

And yet, I know there is still that part of me that holds back, that doesn't want to embrace the changes, because I'm too comfortable where I'm at.

I started singing on the worship team at church again, after taking almost a year off. When I first stopped singing, it was kind of nice. My schedule was a lot more free, I didn't feel like I had to be anywhere on Sundays anymore, and I just felt a little relieved, to be honest. I really didn't see myself going back to it. And yet, God called me back. He spoke through a few different people in my life and made it very clear that He wanted me in that role again.

And honestly? It's been a huge blessing.

But, that is only one change I've had to deal with...and that one was pretty painless compared to some of the others.

For someone who has experienced a lot of disappointment and faced the reality that many of my dreams may not turn out the way I hoped, change can be very difficult.

Yet in everything I've been studying, or hearing from other people, or reading about, one thing keeps coming up: life will bring disappointments, I have to make a choice how I'm going to respond to them, and I can't get through them without God's help.

My church hosted a women's conference a few weeks ago. The woman who spoke was a.maz.ing. It was very apparent to me (as well as to every other woman in that room I am sure), that she was speaking God's words that day. Everyone I talked to felt like God was speaking directly to them with the words she was saying. It was that spot on. I honestly had never experienced that in such a powerful way before.

The craziest part? The things she spoke on lined up exactly with what my women's Bible study was going over that week. Taking thoughts captive and not allowing lies and the negative things we tend to believe about ourselves take root. Acknowledging that those thoughts are not of God and learning how to refute them and how to not allow them to creep in so easily. It was so good and so needed.

The part that spoke directly to me was hard to hear, but it made so much sense to me. She made a statement that maybe God is not giving you what you want because you would be satisfied with that and not with Him.

Ouch.

And yet, I know it's true for me. With as many months as it's been since I first longed for a baby, and in spite of all the ways I've grown and all the things I've learned in this process, I know myself...and God knows me, too. I would lose sight of Him. Oh, I would be really happy at first and I would be thanking Him all the time. But how quickly would that fade when that little person came into this world and I had everything that I have been wanting for so long? Would I really need God anymore at that point?

It's really hard for me to type that out, but I'm just being honest. I know my personality and I know I would probably lose sight of God pretty quickly in the midst of all of that. Not that I would completely turn my back and never follow Him again...but He would definitely be a lot lower on the totem pole.

(this picture makes my heart melt)

My heart for this blog for the last few years has been to share my story...all the good, the bad, and the ugly...because maybe God will use my words to speak to one of you. Maybe the things I've gone through or the things I'm still struggling with will encourage you to walk closer to Him and to trust Him more.

That is still my heart.

I've just realized this past year that I need a lot more balance in my life. It's really easy to get caught up in this blog world and lose sight of the people that are right in front of you. I could easily spend hours each day reading blog post after blog post, emailing different bloggers back and forth, and writing post after post after post. And, there is nothing wrong with that...it just doesn't work for me. My husband needs more of my attention, my real life friends need to connect with me and I need to connect with them, my family needs to see my face and hear my voice, and most importantly, I need to spend quality time with my God.

So while I will still be here and I will still share my heart, my encouragement to myself, as well as to all of you, is to spend time with those that are important. I need a hug just like the next girl, and unfortunately, those don't come through the computer screen. I know I can still be a blogger and be a part of those important relationships in my life: it just takes a willingness to make both happen.

And, I promise you...I am willing and ready to do both...and to do them to the best of my ability.

My Story

I have really been feeling like God is calling me to share my struggles with more people.
While I know this is what He wants, and it must work out in His plan for my good somehow (or someone else's good), it scares me to death. I am so nervous of the reactions I will get from people. I am nervous of people being insensitive and teasing me about my body not working right. I am nervous about people being pissed that they were not informed before others. I am nervous about the fact that this is going to make me very vulnerable...and many people will see my weakness during all of this. I am also nervous that people will be wary to tell me about their good news, thinking it will upset me.
Yet...
I KNOW God will work this out for good. I KNOW that no matter what reactions I get, I will be able to get through it. I KNOW that if people do tease me or say mean things, that I am not their judge...they will answer for it later. I KNOW that no matter what happens, good or bad, this is what God wants, and I have to obey.
So, I am going to type out my story here...as a trial run. I want to make sure I include what needs to be included...and not go into too much detail where it is not needed. While I wouldn't have seen this as a part of my testimony a few months ago, I am definitely seeing it that way now. Maybe my sharing this will help someone else who is struggling with the same thing not to feel alone. Or, maybe it will help others with control issues to realize how important it is to give things up to God. Regardless, this is my story...and I know God will use it for His purposes.

Josh and I had originally decided to wait three years to start having babies. Once we had been married for a year, we decided it was time for me to go off birth control. While we weren't really "trying" to have a baby yet, we weren't preventing it either. After 8 months had gone by...and still no signs of a baby...I decided to e-mail my doctor. I wasn't concerned that something was wrong; I simply wanted her opinion on what I should do to try and figure out when I was fertile. Her response to my e-mail kind of worried me. Due to the details I had given her, she was concerned there might be something wrong with me. She sent me to get some blood work done, which had to be taken on certain days of the month.
I did the blood work when it was needed and waited on the results. From what I could tell and understand, my blood work looked normal. My doctor, on the other hand, thought that I probably had PCOS (a condition in which a woman either doesn't ovulate or it doesn't happen very often). I made an appointment to discuss what she thought that would mean for us. So, at the end of the 8th month, Josh and I went to see her. She told us that she didn't think I was ovulating and wanted to put me on medication to jump start my cycle, followed by a medication called Clomid to cause me to ovulate. She wanted to do a pregnancy test, just to make sure I wasn't pregnant, before putting me on the meds...right then. I was very skeptical and so was Josh. I told her I would rather wait a few more months and try and figure out what my body was doing on my own. It was very hard emotionally to go from asking for her advice one week, to three weeks later thinking about going on fertility medication.
I had a very rough week after that. I didn't really know what to do or think. I was worried there might be something wrong with my body...and that I'd have to resort to fertility medication...but I didn't want to do so any time soon. The following weekend was the Women of Faith conference. I went, very nervous, not knowing what to expect. My heart was a little hard. I admit that I was a little upset with God for what was going on. I wasn't expecting to get anything out of the conference...I just figured I would have a nice weekend with some friends and come home to figure out what to do. Boy, was I wrong...
God worked SO much in my life that weekend. He spoke to me so clearly about so many things. But, the biggest thing I came away with was something He spoke to me...more than once...during the conference: that I was going to have a child. I was overjoyed, refreshed, renewed, and my heart was no longer hard. I was ready for what God promised, and so thankful that He heard my cry, and answered.
Two weeks later, we had a family birthday party to attend. At this point, only a handful of people knew we were trying... My aunt (who was not one of those people) pulled me aside, telling me God had spoken to her about be two weeks before. She said God told her she was going to get news within three months that I was pregnant! I started bawling, so overjoyed that God had confirmed His promise again. Yet, when I first walked away from that night, I didn't think it would literally be three months; I was just excited that He had spoken to someone else about it, too. However, two weeks later, things would change...
I began reading books, visiting websites, buying thermometers and ovulation kits, and talking to whoever I thought would have information for me about getting pregnant. I spent countless hours analyzing the "signs" I would experience, trying to pinpoint my fertile days, and how to make it all work out quickly. I can admit now that my mind was completely consumed with getting pregnant. Whenever I was at home by myself, all I did was think about it, read about it, or try and figure out what the next best plan of attack was. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, nothing was working.
Three months came and went...I was so depressed, so angry that my aunt was wrong. Even though I tried not to let the number mean so much at first, it became so important. And when it passed, I felt so empty. I felt like God didn't care, that He obviously didn't want this for me, and that I shouldn't believe in His promises. I felt like I was either crying all the time, or sulking, or falling into a deep pit. I was rude to Josh, I was ignoring my responsibilities as a wife and leader, and I was being a horrible friend.
I e-mailed a dear friend of mine who works as a nurse, asking her questions about other things I could be doing, and asking her advice on what she thought might be the problem. I asked her if certain herbal remedies worked or if I should take certain vitamins. I'm sure I sounded like a crazy, but I didn't feel crazy at the time. She replied to my e-mail and told me that she thought I wasn't allowing God to work in me. That I had taken too much control upon myself and there was no way God could fulfill His promise with the way I was being...obsessive. At first, I got angry at her e-mail. I didn't want to hear it. Then, I realized she was right. I wasn't letting God do what He needed to do in me. I wasn't allowing Him to work things out in His timing. I wanted it to happen right now...when it was convenient for me, not thinking that maybe it wasn't right for now.
So, I took a step back. I stopped reading, and going on websites, and asking people's advice, and taking tests. I just decided to let God do His thing for awhile. I wish I could say that was the end and I was fine giving up my control at that point...but I wasn't. I continued to struggle with it for another 4 months. I had good days and bad. Some days, I let go and let God work on my heart. Other days, I took my control back, not trusting that God knew what He was doing. During that time, I got pregnant...and had an early miscarriage. It was very tough for me. I knew I was pregnant...I had tons of signs, my temperature was high (just like it's supposed to be when you're pregnant), and I just knew. But then, the bleeding started...and I knew it was over. I don't think I truly realized for a couple of days that I was experiencing a miscarriage...but I knew there was no chance I was pregnant anymore. I cried a lot...I was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, that I didn't go out and do much. I spent time praying to God, trying to understand why this baby wasn't allowed to live outside of my womb. I never did get the answer I was looking for...but through it all, I learned to keep trusting God.
I am still learning...more and more everyday...what it looks like to trust God and give up my control. It's not easy...I feel I have failed more days than not...but I'm trying. I am still not pregnant, I am still hoping and wishing and praying that a baby will come soon...but I'm also asking for God's timing and His will.
I have looked back on this journey and seen the growth and the work God was able to do in and through Josh and I during this time. I know we would not have been able to do even half the stuff we did this year if we were pregnant or had an infant. I have asked God many times if He wants me to take the fertility drugs and I kept hearing a very solid "No". So, I know He is going to do something amazing in our lives when it is time for our child to enter this world.
I feel like a completely different person from the woman I was in that doctor's office last November. I feel like I have a better understanding of patience, trust, faith, and hope. I feel like I am going to be a much better mother whenever it happens then I would have been a year and a half ago. And, most of all, I am excited to see what God is going to continue to do through Josh and I...and someday through our child. It's so mind boggling to think that something the two of us create can possibly serve God and seek after His will. I am very excited to meet our future child, the one God has promised to us, and I know God is going to continue to prepare us to be the parents we need to be for that precious one.