I feel like I spent a good portion of my life being pretty naive about things in life in general.
If you would have asked me even 10 years ago if my life would look the way it does right now, with the people in it, I would have said you were crazy.
I don't think I was stupid. I don't think I expected life to be perfect (well, maybe I did a little bit). But I don't know that I was aware of how much bigger the world really was compared to what I had known of it.
I know I'm being kind of vague, but I guess the point of this post is to express how much differently I view the world as a 31 year old than I did as a 21 year old. Having gone through some incredibly hard things myself in the past 10 years, as well as walking through some really hard stuff with friends and family, I just feel a lot differently about life.
My faith has had its ups and downs, but I know God has never left me. I may have doubted Him at times, but He's always been there. I may not understand everything or know how some of these hard things fit into His plan, but I know He's still in control. And I know I would say those same things 10 years ago, but I had no idea back then just how hard life could be.
I often think of the people in my life. The people that have stuck by me, the ones that I grow closer to each and every day, and the ones that have drifted away. I've said in the past that there are seasons for every relationship and I still believe that...to an extent. I think that sometimes it's easy to use that phrase when we want to walk away from a friendship or things aren't going the way we want in a relationship, so we chalk it up to being a "season". But I think sometimes the best friendships, the ones that really matter to us, take really hard work. It's not always easy to be there for people who don't seem to want to be there for us. It's not always easy to have long distance friendships with people. It's not always pleasant to have real and honest conversations with people about the way they treat us. It's not always easy to make time for people. But if we really care, if we're really invested and want the relationship to last, we have to put in the hard work.
This transition our church has been in for the past three + years has been one of the hardest things I've ever endured in a church. I can't tell you how many times I've been ready to throw in the towel and move on. But I know that's me talking. Sometimes life is hard and we just have to endure some hard things before they get better, or before it really is time to move on. I know that right now, I'm supposed to be involved with women, and that is what I'm pursuing. I've taken some steps in that direction and I'm excited to see what God does with it. It will not always be easy, but I keep reminding myself that the church is the people. Not just a few people, but all of them. And every single one of them needs encouragement and love and support.
I have a tendency to be really negative and focus on the bad stuff in life. I try hard not to, because I know there are so many good things. And if I look back on the last 10 years, I do see a lot of really good and beautiful things. It's definitely harder for me to see the good stuff day-to-day. But if I look at the whole picture, it's much easier to see. I think sometimes we have to take a step back and really look at our lives. What do they consist of? Is it all bad? Probably not. Is it all good? Definitely not. But that is what life is made up of: really hard stuff mixed in with really beautiful and wonderful stuff. God never promised us life would be easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth pushing forward.
So all this to say, I wish I could tell 21 year old me to just hold on. Life can be very bumpy and rocky, but it can also be really smooth with some great views along the way. Life is bigger than what we see directly in front of us. And it really does paint a beautiful picture.
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trust. Show all posts
Friday, July 1, 2016
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
This Year
I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately on this past year.
It is really hard for me to believe that many of this year's events actually happened this year. For some reason, this year has felt long...in good and bad ways.
The next two weeks are going to be extremely busy for me, so I'm trying to take some time this week, during the few spare hours that I have here and there, to just sit in reflection of all the things I've experienced and learned this year.
January has always been one of my favorite months. When I was little, I looked forward to it because of my birthday. Now, I love it because sometimes Christmas can linger a little into it and that always makes my heart happy. I also just like the idea of a fresh start, empty calendar pages, and anticipation of what the year will bring.
This past January was a good one. We received some really happy news and I got to have the perfect birthday celebrations. I spent my actual birthday sick, but the weekend before was a blast.
February is also a favorite of mine. We always have a lot of birthdays to celebrate that month and our anniversary is that month. And for the past few years, February also means our anniversary trip to Disneyland. We celebrated our fifth anniversary this year, so we decided to extend our trip a little and turn it into a few trips by getting annual passes. I also got to be in the room as my bestie gave birth. Definitely one of the biggest highlights of my whole year...my whole life, in fact.
In March, we took a fun trip with Josh's family to celebrate his mom's birthday. Our goddaughter shares the same birthday, so we were able to go to her birthday party on the same weekend. It was just such a fun time. We also got to attend a couple of fun Easter celebrations in March and I got to surprise one of my best friends for her birthday.
April had its ups and downs. We got to celebrate my sister's birthday with her and I had some really fun hang outs with friends. March and April were also the months that I really started eating better and changing my lifestyle. Our senior pastor also retired from our church. And April also brought some sad news and a lot of really hard moments that continued for a few months.
May had a lot of fun moments. We took a secret trip and went to a couple of birthday celebrations. I started undergoing tests for my neck and back issues. The Office ended, which was sad, but we were able to watch it with friends, so that was fun. And my oldest niece turned 6!
June had two fun beach trips! One was camping with Josh's family and the other was a fun weekend away with friends. We also got to go to the wedding of some of our good friends. It was a very busy month but it was full of a lot of sweet memories.
July also brought two beach trips! The first was a weekend away with our marrieds group at a cabin in the mountains. It was quite warm, as it was 4th of July weekend, so we spent a lot of time out on the water. The second was our church's annual worship and baptisms on the beach. It was so awesome to hear so many wonderful testimonies and to see so many people get baptized. We also went to the engagement party of a couple whose relationship we got to watch develop and blossom over a couple of months. She is a missionary and he is hoping to join her on the mission field soon. We can't wait to celebrate with them on the day they get married.
In August, my hubby went on a weekend trip to see his favorite band that recently got back together and started making music again. While he was gone, I went on a little getaway with some of my girlfriends. It was really fun. We also surprised one of my friends with an early breakfast on the morning of her birthday.
September had big ups and downs. We started off the month with a trip to Disneyland. It was pretty warm while we were there but we had so much fun. I also got to watch my brother-in-law and sister-in-law get baptized. It was so incredible to see and be a part of. My niece turned 2 and we got to have two fun celebrations with her. I also got to celebrate two of my friends's birthdays who happen to only be a couple of days apart. And my heart broke and ripped in half as something devastating happened to my family. It still hurts every time I think about it, but I know that God has done and will continue to do amazing things through this situation. Maybe someday I will share it on here.
In October, we said goodbye to a loved one and to another pastor. We had a going away service and some of our friends that have moved away were able to come and be a part of it. We also got to celebrate a sweet friend's birthday. We went to a fun Halloween party and went trick or treating with some of our sweet friends and their kiddos.
November was very full and busy. We got to celebrate with one of my sweet friends for her birthday. I went to an essential oils class and started using one that has helped immensely with my pain. We went to a wedding for two people that Josh and I have known since our youth days and I got to help surprise a friend for her birthday. I saw Catching Fire with some great friends and we went out for sushi with our worship team. I also threw Josh a Murder Mystery Party for his birthday. We did a friends Thanksgiving dinner with some of our good friends. We spent Thanksgiving with some of the people we love most and then went to our favorite apple/Christmas tree farm the next day. And my youngest niece turned 2!
This month, we did a friends Christmas dinner with some of our friends where the girls decorated cookies and we made gingerbread houses. I had a Christmas themed favorite things party. I went to a pottery painting place with my friend. It's been a yearly tradition for us the last three years. We also went to a white elephant party and saw The Hobbit with a group of friends. We have a lot of fun Christmas celebrations this week and next week, as well as a couple of family vacations. It's going to be a full couple of weeks but I am really excited about them.
As far as what I've learned this year, I've learned more about what it means to be a real friend. Not only has this year been hard on my family, it's been hard on the families of a lot of my friends. I have learned so much more about what it means to walk alongside someone and to do life together. I've always considered many of my friends like family but that term has taken on a whole new meaning this year. I can't imagine life without these amazing people.
I've also learned more about trusting God and trusting He will turn even the worst of situations into something good. In many of the situations I've walked through or walked alongside of this year, I've seen glimpses of that good, and I can't wait to see all that comes from them. It's the reason why I wanted Romans 8:28 to be the verse on our Christmas cards this year. Because it is so very true.
I'm also learning a lot more about contentment. I feel like God is constantly teaching me more about this. I'm learning more and more that contentment can't be found outside of God. I can be happy with where my life is and the things I'm doing, but true contentment is only found in Him.
This year has been full of changes, good and bad. And while I usually get this anxious feeling about change approaching, I am somehow never quite prepared when I'm actually faced with it. I think that's where trusting in God and depending on Him comes in more. If I could be prepared for everything on my own, I wouldn't need Him.
I know 2014 is going to be different, in good and bad ways. I know it's going to bring its share of hardships and sweet memories. And I know my heart will burst with joy and sadness...but I'm excited for all of it. I've learned a lot about our trials and tribulations shaping us and causing us to depend more on God, and because of that, I'm learning to open my eyes more to see what God wants me to learn through them.
So while 2013 isn't quite over, I want to take these next two weeks and just be. I am sure I will do some more reflecting, but I want to enjoy each moment that's left of this year.
It is really hard for me to believe that many of this year's events actually happened this year. For some reason, this year has felt long...in good and bad ways.
The next two weeks are going to be extremely busy for me, so I'm trying to take some time this week, during the few spare hours that I have here and there, to just sit in reflection of all the things I've experienced and learned this year.
January has always been one of my favorite months. When I was little, I looked forward to it because of my birthday. Now, I love it because sometimes Christmas can linger a little into it and that always makes my heart happy. I also just like the idea of a fresh start, empty calendar pages, and anticipation of what the year will bring.
This past January was a good one. We received some really happy news and I got to have the perfect birthday celebrations. I spent my actual birthday sick, but the weekend before was a blast.
February is also a favorite of mine. We always have a lot of birthdays to celebrate that month and our anniversary is that month. And for the past few years, February also means our anniversary trip to Disneyland. We celebrated our fifth anniversary this year, so we decided to extend our trip a little and turn it into a few trips by getting annual passes. I also got to be in the room as my bestie gave birth. Definitely one of the biggest highlights of my whole year...my whole life, in fact.
In March, we took a fun trip with Josh's family to celebrate his mom's birthday. Our goddaughter shares the same birthday, so we were able to go to her birthday party on the same weekend. It was just such a fun time. We also got to attend a couple of fun Easter celebrations in March and I got to surprise one of my best friends for her birthday.
April had its ups and downs. We got to celebrate my sister's birthday with her and I had some really fun hang outs with friends. March and April were also the months that I really started eating better and changing my lifestyle. Our senior pastor also retired from our church. And April also brought some sad news and a lot of really hard moments that continued for a few months.
May had a lot of fun moments. We took a secret trip and went to a couple of birthday celebrations. I started undergoing tests for my neck and back issues. The Office ended, which was sad, but we were able to watch it with friends, so that was fun. And my oldest niece turned 6!
June had two fun beach trips! One was camping with Josh's family and the other was a fun weekend away with friends. We also got to go to the wedding of some of our good friends. It was a very busy month but it was full of a lot of sweet memories.
July also brought two beach trips! The first was a weekend away with our marrieds group at a cabin in the mountains. It was quite warm, as it was 4th of July weekend, so we spent a lot of time out on the water. The second was our church's annual worship and baptisms on the beach. It was so awesome to hear so many wonderful testimonies and to see so many people get baptized. We also went to the engagement party of a couple whose relationship we got to watch develop and blossom over a couple of months. She is a missionary and he is hoping to join her on the mission field soon. We can't wait to celebrate with them on the day they get married.
In August, my hubby went on a weekend trip to see his favorite band that recently got back together and started making music again. While he was gone, I went on a little getaway with some of my girlfriends. It was really fun. We also surprised one of my friends with an early breakfast on the morning of her birthday.
September had big ups and downs. We started off the month with a trip to Disneyland. It was pretty warm while we were there but we had so much fun. I also got to watch my brother-in-law and sister-in-law get baptized. It was so incredible to see and be a part of. My niece turned 2 and we got to have two fun celebrations with her. I also got to celebrate two of my friends's birthdays who happen to only be a couple of days apart. And my heart broke and ripped in half as something devastating happened to my family. It still hurts every time I think about it, but I know that God has done and will continue to do amazing things through this situation. Maybe someday I will share it on here.
In October, we said goodbye to a loved one and to another pastor. We had a going away service and some of our friends that have moved away were able to come and be a part of it. We also got to celebrate a sweet friend's birthday. We went to a fun Halloween party and went trick or treating with some of our sweet friends and their kiddos.
This month, we did a friends Christmas dinner with some of our friends where the girls decorated cookies and we made gingerbread houses. I had a Christmas themed favorite things party. I went to a pottery painting place with my friend. It's been a yearly tradition for us the last three years. We also went to a white elephant party and saw The Hobbit with a group of friends. We have a lot of fun Christmas celebrations this week and next week, as well as a couple of family vacations. It's going to be a full couple of weeks but I am really excited about them.
As far as what I've learned this year, I've learned more about what it means to be a real friend. Not only has this year been hard on my family, it's been hard on the families of a lot of my friends. I have learned so much more about what it means to walk alongside someone and to do life together. I've always considered many of my friends like family but that term has taken on a whole new meaning this year. I can't imagine life without these amazing people.
I've also learned more about trusting God and trusting He will turn even the worst of situations into something good. In many of the situations I've walked through or walked alongside of this year, I've seen glimpses of that good, and I can't wait to see all that comes from them. It's the reason why I wanted Romans 8:28 to be the verse on our Christmas cards this year. Because it is so very true.
I'm also learning a lot more about contentment. I feel like God is constantly teaching me more about this. I'm learning more and more that contentment can't be found outside of God. I can be happy with where my life is and the things I'm doing, but true contentment is only found in Him.
This year has been full of changes, good and bad. And while I usually get this anxious feeling about change approaching, I am somehow never quite prepared when I'm actually faced with it. I think that's where trusting in God and depending on Him comes in more. If I could be prepared for everything on my own, I wouldn't need Him.
I know 2014 is going to be different, in good and bad ways. I know it's going to bring its share of hardships and sweet memories. And I know my heart will burst with joy and sadness...but I'm excited for all of it. I've learned a lot about our trials and tribulations shaping us and causing us to depend more on God, and because of that, I'm learning to open my eyes more to see what God wants me to learn through them.
So while 2013 isn't quite over, I want to take these next two weeks and just be. I am sure I will do some more reflecting, but I want to enjoy each moment that's left of this year.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Randoms for the Week
I started writing out a post the other day about all the things that I'm not doing in my life right now that I wish I was doing.
After typing it all out, I decided it was not going to be published. When I re-read it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded.
Here I am, writing about all these things I need to change or add or do differently in my life...when what I should have done was close my laptop, get up, and do them! I have since made a point to start changing some things in my life.
I love having down time and relaxing, but I'm realizing that I crave a lot more than just that. And instead of writing about it, I need to just get up and do it sometimes.
*****
We watched the series finale of The Office last night with some friends. I had been dreading and anticipating this moment all week...I just have such a hard time saying goodbye to shows. It wasn't as intense as I felt when LOST ended, but it still felt like I was losing some of my best friends. The last couple of episodes leading up to the finale were so good...I told my husband that fact alone was making it even harder to say goodbye. The show hasn't been the same since Steve Carell left, but those episodes were really making up for it for me. So while last night's episode was hard to watch, I couldn't have been happier with the way they ended things. And man...some of the wisdom they imparted to us viewers was just priceless:
*****
The tough stuff in life is still tough...but we are slowly getting to the light at the end of the tunnel in some of the situations. We have definitely felt people's prayers and are so grateful for them as we keep walking these roads. My heart gets overwhelmed if I dwell on things too long, but knowing other people are out there thinking of us and praying for us has been such a huge blessing.
*****
I am finally getting to the bottom of some of my neck and back issues. My doctor sent me to another department and I've had some tests done already to try and figure out what's going on. While we haven't gotten a lot of answers yet, some of the tests have come back normal, so that's at least encouraging. I'm also going to be getting some pain relief next week that I am super excited about. For someone who's been living with pain and stiffness for almost two years now...this news is incredible!
*****
I am still plugging along with the healthy eating thing! There have only been one or two days in the last two weeks that I've gone over on my calories...and I haven't had any soda in three weeks! I don't even miss it anymore, which is crazy to me. I'm learning to love the foods that I've been eating and I'm craving things like avocados and mandarins all the time now. Iced unsweetened green tea is my favorite drink right now, other than water. It's crazy living in this world, but I'm loving every minute of it.
*****
My oldest niece is turning 6 next week! Where has the time gone? We got to meet her the day she came home from the hospital and it was the best day ever. She brings so much joy to our family, even though she lives far away now. We are so in love with all of our nieces and are so blessed and such better people with them in our lives.
*****
I haven't talked a lot lately about my infertility issues. They are still there, and I am obviously still not pregnant or a mother. It's weird to be over four years on this road looking back at all of the trials and hard times we had to endure along the way. While I still have a great desire to be a mom someday, I also am really happy with where I'm at right now. Especially with all the pain issues I've had the past couple of years...I think getting pregnant during that time would have been so horrible. I trust God knows what He's doing in my life and this season will pass someday...
There's also a part of me that is kind of freaked out at the possibility of becoming pregnant. I've watched a lot of people in my life walk through some very hard things in their pregnancies and the thought of having to go through something like that really scares me. I know I have to trust in God's plan for my life, and I have to trust that whatever happens, I will be fine...but there's still a part of me that's a little scared.
*****
This weekend is full of fun! I'm going out dancing with some friends, we are attending a sweet little girl's 1st birthday party, and I have Bunco with my friends. I'm hoping we will be able to squeeze in seeing Star Trek as well!
Need a new way to follow my blog? Check out bloglovin here.
After typing it all out, I decided it was not going to be published. When I re-read it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded.
Here I am, writing about all these things I need to change or add or do differently in my life...when what I should have done was close my laptop, get up, and do them! I have since made a point to start changing some things in my life.
I love having down time and relaxing, but I'm realizing that I crave a lot more than just that. And instead of writing about it, I need to just get up and do it sometimes.
*****
We watched the series finale of The Office last night with some friends. I had been dreading and anticipating this moment all week...I just have such a hard time saying goodbye to shows. It wasn't as intense as I felt when LOST ended, but it still felt like I was losing some of my best friends. The last couple of episodes leading up to the finale were so good...I told my husband that fact alone was making it even harder to say goodbye. The show hasn't been the same since Steve Carell left, but those episodes were really making up for it for me. So while last night's episode was hard to watch, I couldn't have been happier with the way they ended things. And man...some of the wisdom they imparted to us viewers was just priceless:
Be strong.
Trust yourself.
Love yourself.
Conquer your fears.
And fast...
because life just isn't that long.
(The Office)
*****
The tough stuff in life is still tough...but we are slowly getting to the light at the end of the tunnel in some of the situations. We have definitely felt people's prayers and are so grateful for them as we keep walking these roads. My heart gets overwhelmed if I dwell on things too long, but knowing other people are out there thinking of us and praying for us has been such a huge blessing.
*****
I am finally getting to the bottom of some of my neck and back issues. My doctor sent me to another department and I've had some tests done already to try and figure out what's going on. While we haven't gotten a lot of answers yet, some of the tests have come back normal, so that's at least encouraging. I'm also going to be getting some pain relief next week that I am super excited about. For someone who's been living with pain and stiffness for almost two years now...this news is incredible!
*****
I am still plugging along with the healthy eating thing! There have only been one or two days in the last two weeks that I've gone over on my calories...and I haven't had any soda in three weeks! I don't even miss it anymore, which is crazy to me. I'm learning to love the foods that I've been eating and I'm craving things like avocados and mandarins all the time now. Iced unsweetened green tea is my favorite drink right now, other than water. It's crazy living in this world, but I'm loving every minute of it.
*****
My oldest niece is turning 6 next week! Where has the time gone? We got to meet her the day she came home from the hospital and it was the best day ever. She brings so much joy to our family, even though she lives far away now. We are so in love with all of our nieces and are so blessed and such better people with them in our lives.
*****
I haven't talked a lot lately about my infertility issues. They are still there, and I am obviously still not pregnant or a mother. It's weird to be over four years on this road looking back at all of the trials and hard times we had to endure along the way. While I still have a great desire to be a mom someday, I also am really happy with where I'm at right now. Especially with all the pain issues I've had the past couple of years...I think getting pregnant during that time would have been so horrible. I trust God knows what He's doing in my life and this season will pass someday...
There's also a part of me that is kind of freaked out at the possibility of becoming pregnant. I've watched a lot of people in my life walk through some very hard things in their pregnancies and the thought of having to go through something like that really scares me. I know I have to trust in God's plan for my life, and I have to trust that whatever happens, I will be fine...but there's still a part of me that's a little scared.
*****
This weekend is full of fun! I'm going out dancing with some friends, we are attending a sweet little girl's 1st birthday party, and I have Bunco with my friends. I'm hoping we will be able to squeeze in seeing Star Trek as well!
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Thursday, April 18, 2013
More Heavy
As I've mentioned before, many of the people I love are dealing with really heavy stuff right now.
And somehow, the heavy stuff keeps piling on.
I don't know if it's just a sign of getting older or what, but life definitely seems to throw more curveballs the longer I'm alive.
And today, after another emotional roller coaster, there are only a couple of things I can say:
...God is good. Bottom line. Today's outcome was a good one...but even if it wasn't, He is still good. And I am confident that I would still be able to say that in this moment, no matter what took place today.
...I am so thankful for my family and my friends. We pick each other up when we're down, and we are there. The encouraging texts, emails, visits and prayers that took place in multiple situations today just prove to me how much God loves us. He blesses us with these wonderful people here on earth to help us, to hold our hands, and to speak the words that we are sometimes unable to speak ourselves. I don't know what I would do without these amazing pillars in my life.
I don't know what life will bring tomorrow or next week or even next year. But today? God reminded me of some important truths...especially how important it is to trust Him. He's got it all. Our worrying doesn't solve anything. And tonight? I'm resting in that.
And somehow, the heavy stuff keeps piling on.
I don't know if it's just a sign of getting older or what, but life definitely seems to throw more curveballs the longer I'm alive.
And today, after another emotional roller coaster, there are only a couple of things I can say:
...God is good. Bottom line. Today's outcome was a good one...but even if it wasn't, He is still good. And I am confident that I would still be able to say that in this moment, no matter what took place today.
...I am so thankful for my family and my friends. We pick each other up when we're down, and we are there. The encouraging texts, emails, visits and prayers that took place in multiple situations today just prove to me how much God loves us. He blesses us with these wonderful people here on earth to help us, to hold our hands, and to speak the words that we are sometimes unable to speak ourselves. I don't know what I would do without these amazing pillars in my life.
I don't know what life will bring tomorrow or next week or even next year. But today? God reminded me of some important truths...especially how important it is to trust Him. He's got it all. Our worrying doesn't solve anything. And tonight? I'm resting in that.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Learning
I feel that word defines so much of my year.
Learning...
I continually go back to the subject of my infertility, but it's because I would not be the person I am today without it.
Every year that has gone by (and we are quickly approaching the four year mark), I keep thinking that I've learned all the lessons God wanted to teach me through it...and yet something else happens and my world is turned upside down. This year has been no different.
It has been different in the sense that I've changed and grown and had to let go of a lot of the things I was holding onto so dearly last year. I've learned a lot about family relationships, friendships, ministry, the way a marriage is supposed to be, my relationship with God, and myself. I've had to face some very ugly parts of myself (some I am still facing) and had to accept other things. My heart has changed in ways I never thought possible, and my mind has allowed itself to open up to things that are good for me that I've kept out for too long.
To say this year was a good one for me would be a true statement...but it was also one of the hardest years I've ever had to live. Learning to be content has been a process I've been going through for three years now...and I still don't know that I'm quite there yet...but I am definitely more there than I was this time last year.
I can honestly, without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of pain in my heart, say that I would be perfectly fine with my life if Josh and I never have kids of our own.
Shocking? Maybe to some. But for me? This has been the biggest part of my healing process.
No little girl imagines that her dreams of being a mommy won't come true. No little girl pictures herself struggling with the ability to get pregnant. No little girl thinks her life will ever be full of so much pain and hurt that she cries sad tears when her best friend tells her she's pregnant.
But all those things have been my reality these past few years.
Honestly, the pain has all but disappeared. The longing to experience motherhood is still there, but it's morphed and changed into something not so desperate. I have had many different people tell me that the relationships I have built with high school and college students make me a mom already...and I have really taken that to heart. God put this desire within me to be a mom, but He never said exactly how it was going to look. I've had the joy of being able to experience it in different ways, and I look forward to whatever ways I will be able to experience it in the future.
I look back on old blog posts, old journal entries, old emails to friends...and I honestly don't always recognize that person. She makes my heart sad. She makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her to just trust and truly let go...because it's the key to her happiness.
But this past year has been about so much more than learning to be content with my life the way it is.
I've learned that some friendships really do stand the test of time. I've learned that others only last for a season...and sometimes that season can be really long or really short.
I've learned that putting other people's needs before my own is one of the hardest things to do...but it's also one of the most rewarding.
I've learned that date nights and time spent having real conversations with my husband are truly needed...and are not things to take for granted.
I've learned that time really is short...and we waste way too much of it thinking about petty, stupid things that don't matter one bit.
I've learned that sometimes stepping away from situations for a time can really help you see the value in them...and can help you to remember why you were in them in the first place.
I've learned that I need to speak sometimes instead of remaining quiet.
There are so many things that I can't (and won't) share in this space. Things that are far too personal about myself or about the people that I love. But what I can share is that while this year has been very tough...and I've had to do some major relationship mending and had some serious heart adjustments...it's also been one of the most humbling times I've ever experienced.
Every relationship I'm in needs lots of work...as do all relationships in general...but I've learned so much this year about what is important to me, what needs to be cherished, what needs to be let go of, and what just doesn't matter in the long run.
As we quickly approach Christmas...and I'm already starting to get anxious and sad about it almost being over...I can say with a happy heart that I have really tried much harder this year to take the time to quiet myself before the Lord. I missed days on my advent reading and had to catch up...but my heart has continually longed for my time with Him. It's amazing how much of a difference it has made this year.
So while I am no closer to having it all figured out than I was last year, I definitely feel a little more prepared to tackle next year and the challenges it will bring. I am looking forward to Christmas next week and taking the time out to remember why we even do any sort of celebrating this time of year.
I am content. And that is an amazing feeling.
Learning...
I continually go back to the subject of my infertility, but it's because I would not be the person I am today without it.
Every year that has gone by (and we are quickly approaching the four year mark), I keep thinking that I've learned all the lessons God wanted to teach me through it...and yet something else happens and my world is turned upside down. This year has been no different.
It has been different in the sense that I've changed and grown and had to let go of a lot of the things I was holding onto so dearly last year. I've learned a lot about family relationships, friendships, ministry, the way a marriage is supposed to be, my relationship with God, and myself. I've had to face some very ugly parts of myself (some I am still facing) and had to accept other things. My heart has changed in ways I never thought possible, and my mind has allowed itself to open up to things that are good for me that I've kept out for too long.
To say this year was a good one for me would be a true statement...but it was also one of the hardest years I've ever had to live. Learning to be content has been a process I've been going through for three years now...and I still don't know that I'm quite there yet...but I am definitely more there than I was this time last year.
I can honestly, without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of pain in my heart, say that I would be perfectly fine with my life if Josh and I never have kids of our own.
Shocking? Maybe to some. But for me? This has been the biggest part of my healing process.
No little girl imagines that her dreams of being a mommy won't come true. No little girl pictures herself struggling with the ability to get pregnant. No little girl thinks her life will ever be full of so much pain and hurt that she cries sad tears when her best friend tells her she's pregnant.
But all those things have been my reality these past few years.
Honestly, the pain has all but disappeared. The longing to experience motherhood is still there, but it's morphed and changed into something not so desperate. I have had many different people tell me that the relationships I have built with high school and college students make me a mom already...and I have really taken that to heart. God put this desire within me to be a mom, but He never said exactly how it was going to look. I've had the joy of being able to experience it in different ways, and I look forward to whatever ways I will be able to experience it in the future.
I look back on old blog posts, old journal entries, old emails to friends...and I honestly don't always recognize that person. She makes my heart sad. She makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her to just trust and truly let go...because it's the key to her happiness.
But this past year has been about so much more than learning to be content with my life the way it is.
I've learned that some friendships really do stand the test of time. I've learned that others only last for a season...and sometimes that season can be really long or really short.
I've learned that putting other people's needs before my own is one of the hardest things to do...but it's also one of the most rewarding.
I've learned that date nights and time spent having real conversations with my husband are truly needed...and are not things to take for granted.
I've learned that time really is short...and we waste way too much of it thinking about petty, stupid things that don't matter one bit.
I've learned that sometimes stepping away from situations for a time can really help you see the value in them...and can help you to remember why you were in them in the first place.
I've learned that I need to speak sometimes instead of remaining quiet.
There are so many things that I can't (and won't) share in this space. Things that are far too personal about myself or about the people that I love. But what I can share is that while this year has been very tough...and I've had to do some major relationship mending and had some serious heart adjustments...it's also been one of the most humbling times I've ever experienced.
Every relationship I'm in needs lots of work...as do all relationships in general...but I've learned so much this year about what is important to me, what needs to be cherished, what needs to be let go of, and what just doesn't matter in the long run.
As we quickly approach Christmas...and I'm already starting to get anxious and sad about it almost being over...I can say with a happy heart that I have really tried much harder this year to take the time to quiet myself before the Lord. I missed days on my advent reading and had to catch up...but my heart has continually longed for my time with Him. It's amazing how much of a difference it has made this year.
So while I am no closer to having it all figured out than I was last year, I definitely feel a little more prepared to tackle next year and the challenges it will bring. I am looking forward to Christmas next week and taking the time out to remember why we even do any sort of celebrating this time of year.
I am content. And that is an amazing feeling.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Overcoming
I had the opportunity last week to briefly share my story with a woman I had never met before.
I was at a jewelry party my friend was hosting and the consultant asked me why I wanted the particular charm that I purchased.
It's message was simple: tell your story.
I proceeded to explain to her that I have felt God calling me more and more to share my story with others, because I know it needs to be heard. I know I am not the only one who has ever been in this situation...nor will I be the last. But, what has gotten me through time and time again has been the encouragement of knowing that I'm not alone, that there is healing when I open my mouth and speak these words out loud...and that God still has a plan for me.
The first time I told my story on here was quite a while ago. I knew then it needed to be shared. While I was touched by the many emails I received from my post here and from my guest post on Casey's blog, I was more blown away that God used me to speak His words to other women. I am such a wretch most days, so far from the woman I know I should be...and yet my Savior is still able to use me, some way, somehow, to shine His light.
I never thought I would be here, over three and a half years of waiting, and still not have a child to call my own. But I also never could have dreamed I would learn so much, and experience multiple blessings, because of it.
I was drawn to Isaiah 43 tonight. I thought it was fitting for where my heart is (I would encourage you to read the whole chapter, to understand the context better). Here are just a few of the verses that really stood out to me:
It's easy in this journey to dwell on the hard stuff, to remember all the painful things, and to wish I could go back to that very first day I stopped taking my pills and tell myself to just trust God. But I can't focus on the past. I can't focus on the things I've done wrong and the things that haven't happened yet. God is doing something new in me...and has been through this whole process. He is refining me and is bringing something beautiful in this wasteland I have lived in. I spent many days in this journey very sad and depressed, longing for a child to hold in my arms. And this whole time, God has been preparing a new and exciting path for me to take...one that I still don't fully understand and can't imagine yet.
I don't know where your heart is, or what things you are trying to deal with or overcome in your life...but I promise you God still has a plan, He is right there with you, and He is preparing you for something you can't even imagine right now.
I was at a jewelry party my friend was hosting and the consultant asked me why I wanted the particular charm that I purchased.
It's message was simple: tell your story.
I proceeded to explain to her that I have felt God calling me more and more to share my story with others, because I know it needs to be heard. I know I am not the only one who has ever been in this situation...nor will I be the last. But, what has gotten me through time and time again has been the encouragement of knowing that I'm not alone, that there is healing when I open my mouth and speak these words out loud...and that God still has a plan for me.
The first time I told my story on here was quite a while ago. I knew then it needed to be shared. While I was touched by the many emails I received from my post here and from my guest post on Casey's blog, I was more blown away that God used me to speak His words to other women. I am such a wretch most days, so far from the woman I know I should be...and yet my Savior is still able to use me, some way, somehow, to shine His light.
I never thought I would be here, over three and a half years of waiting, and still not have a child to call my own. But I also never could have dreamed I would learn so much, and experience multiple blessings, because of it.
I was drawn to Isaiah 43 tonight. I thought it was fitting for where my heart is (I would encourage you to read the whole chapter, to understand the context better). Here are just a few of the verses that really stood out to me:
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
(Isaiah 43:18-19, NIV)
It's easy in this journey to dwell on the hard stuff, to remember all the painful things, and to wish I could go back to that very first day I stopped taking my pills and tell myself to just trust God. But I can't focus on the past. I can't focus on the things I've done wrong and the things that haven't happened yet. God is doing something new in me...and has been through this whole process. He is refining me and is bringing something beautiful in this wasteland I have lived in. I spent many days in this journey very sad and depressed, longing for a child to hold in my arms. And this whole time, God has been preparing a new and exciting path for me to take...one that I still don't fully understand and can't imagine yet.
I don't know where your heart is, or what things you are trying to deal with or overcome in your life...but I promise you God still has a plan, He is right there with you, and He is preparing you for something you can't even imagine right now.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Slapped in the Face...or More Patience
EVERYONE is getting pregnant.
Seriously.
Ok, not everyone.
That is definitely an exaggeration.
But just this week, I found out two other FB friends are pregnant.
And, I have at least 6 other friends who are also expecting.
I am SO happy for them. Truly. I am so glad that God is choosing to bless their lives with a little bundle of joy...as many of them are having their first.
Yet...
I can't help but feel slapped in the face every time it happens. Is this some kind of sick joke? Does God really want me to suffer this much?
We are quickly approaching the two year mark of the day I stopped taking my birth control pills. We just hit our third wedding anniversary yesterday. And, I can't help but feel like I've been patient enough...and it should be my time now.
But...
Is that what God wants for me? To demand that my timing is better than His? The CREATOR of the universe? The One who knew me before I was even conceived?
A friend of mine posted this verse in her blog a couple of days ago...and it was in the chapter I was reading in Crazy Love this week. Coincidence? I think not...
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.
(Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)
God set me apart for a purpose...HIS purpose. Why am I constantly trying to think that my purpose and my will are better than His? I know I will get pregnant when the timing is right...and yet...some days it's just so hard to hold onto that truth.
Oh Jesus, I really need Your help to be more patient...especially on these days when I want nothing but my own will. Help me learn to trust You more and more.
Seriously.
Ok, not everyone.
That is definitely an exaggeration.
But just this week, I found out two other FB friends are pregnant.
And, I have at least 6 other friends who are also expecting.
I am SO happy for them. Truly. I am so glad that God is choosing to bless their lives with a little bundle of joy...as many of them are having their first.
Yet...
I can't help but feel slapped in the face every time it happens. Is this some kind of sick joke? Does God really want me to suffer this much?
We are quickly approaching the two year mark of the day I stopped taking my birth control pills. We just hit our third wedding anniversary yesterday. And, I can't help but feel like I've been patient enough...and it should be my time now.
But...
Is that what God wants for me? To demand that my timing is better than His? The CREATOR of the universe? The One who knew me before I was even conceived?
A friend of mine posted this verse in her blog a couple of days ago...and it was in the chapter I was reading in Crazy Love this week. Coincidence? I think not...
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.
(Jeremiah 1:5 NIV)
God set me apart for a purpose...HIS purpose. Why am I constantly trying to think that my purpose and my will are better than His? I know I will get pregnant when the timing is right...and yet...some days it's just so hard to hold onto that truth.
Oh Jesus, I really need Your help to be more patient...especially on these days when I want nothing but my own will. Help me learn to trust You more and more.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Peace
So, I was really freaking out tonight.
We are leaving tomorrow for our anniversary trip...and there is a storm coming. It's supposed to be raining on our way there...two of the days we are there...and on the way home...with a possibility of snow in certain parts. Crazyness!
Me, being the calm, rational, non-worrier that I am (ahem), took this news with stride...and did what I do best...freak out. I started looking up the hour by hour weather, trying to see how bad it was going to be. I looked up weather along our route to see what parts of our journey might be the worst. I started thinking, what if we can't go? What if we get stuck on the way there or back? What if all the money we put into this is lost because it doesn't work out?
Then, I remembered something...
Oh yeah...
God doesn't want me to worry.
So I opened up my Bible and wrote this verse down as one to work on memorizing. I'm pretty sure I've used it in other blogs...and if I haven't...I really should have:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7, NIV)
I really do wish I wasn't such a worrier. I really do wish that I thought of asking God to calm my nerves at the very beginning. I really do wish I wasn't such a problem solver...and let God solve more of my problems for me.
Sigh.
I am going to spend some more time praying and reflecting on God...and trust that He's got this...and I don't have to worry about it one single bit.
We are leaving tomorrow for our anniversary trip...and there is a storm coming. It's supposed to be raining on our way there...two of the days we are there...and on the way home...with a possibility of snow in certain parts. Crazyness!
Me, being the calm, rational, non-worrier that I am (ahem), took this news with stride...and did what I do best...freak out. I started looking up the hour by hour weather, trying to see how bad it was going to be. I looked up weather along our route to see what parts of our journey might be the worst. I started thinking, what if we can't go? What if we get stuck on the way there or back? What if all the money we put into this is lost because it doesn't work out?
Then, I remembered something...
Oh yeah...
God doesn't want me to worry.
So I opened up my Bible and wrote this verse down as one to work on memorizing. I'm pretty sure I've used it in other blogs...and if I haven't...I really should have:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7, NIV)
I really do wish I wasn't such a worrier. I really do wish that I thought of asking God to calm my nerves at the very beginning. I really do wish I wasn't such a problem solver...and let God solve more of my problems for me.
Sigh.
I am going to spend some more time praying and reflecting on God...and trust that He's got this...and I don't have to worry about it one single bit.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Discipline
I decided to pick up my Bible tonight to start on the reading for my Bible study.
(I haven't really picked up my Bible to sit down and read it for a couple of weeks now...and that makes me sad)
As I was reading through Hebrews 12, my eyes started to well up with tears. Read it for yourself:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (go read Hebrews 11 if you don't know what this is referring to), let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who also endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
(Get ready for the kicker)
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (this is found in Proverbs 3:11-12 as well) (vs. 1-6)
I'm just going to stop there for a minute and allow you to soak that in. Re-read it if you need to.
Here's the part that really made me cry:
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," (Proverbs 4:26) so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. (vs. 7-13)
As I was reading this, welling up with tears, God brought to my mind the struggles I've had with infertility this year...and the fact that I didn't trust and kept trying to make things happen my way. I felt like God was punishing me, by not allowing me to get pregnant. And guess what? I'm thinking now that maybe He was. Would I have gotten pregnant if I had trusted more? It's possible. But, that's not the point. The point is, I didn't trust Him...I didn't want to follow His plan and lean on Him for strength...I wanted to do things alone. And, it took me feeling helpless and alone and finally giving up all those times to realize I couldn't do it without Him. And now, that I feel like I have endured a lot of discipline this year, I am starting to see the part described in verse 11:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
I do feel at peace. I do feel like trusting God is the right way...the best way...to go through this battle.
I don't know many people that like to think about God's wrath very much. I think a lot of times, we tend to think of God's wrath as being an "Old Testament" thing. And yet, it's not. God is a God of wrath...but also a God of love. How do these two seemingly contradicting attributes go with the same God? Simple. We all deserve the wrath of God. All of us. There is not one of us that hasn't sinned, hasn't fallen short, hasn't done something to deserve death. Yet, God offers us His love and forgiveness, through His Son, Jesus Christ. Does that mean He won't pour His wrath out on us? Not necessarily. There is still a consequence for the sins we've committed. There are still residual effects of the things we've done. And, we will still have to answer for them someday. Yet, God still loves us, and in all things, works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Discipline is good. It is not always pleasant. It is not always fun. Most of the time, it just plain sucks. But, it's always best. It's always meant to help us and not to harm us. My parents disciplined me when I lived at home. I may not have always understood it at the time...or even agreed with it...but it was always to help me to see that what I was doing was wrong...or that I was going to hurt myself in the long run by doing it. I hated having a curfew and not being able to do certain things...but you know what? I appreciate it now. Now that I am out of the house and can see why my parents did the things they did...it all makes sense. They just wanted to keep me safe...and in one piece...because of their love for me. Not to stifle me, not to keep me from growing up...to keep me safe. That is all God wants for us, too. He wants to keep us safe and to keep us with Him...so the things of this world will not entice us and make us turn away from Him.
I hated the discipline I had to endure this year. I had many very painful days and nights. But you know what? They helped me get back on track...back on the path God wanted me to be on. A path of trusting God and letting Him have control of my life. And, let me tell you...this path is worth all the discipline in the world.
(I haven't really picked up my Bible to sit down and read it for a couple of weeks now...and that makes me sad)
As I was reading through Hebrews 12, my eyes started to well up with tears. Read it for yourself:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (go read Hebrews 11 if you don't know what this is referring to), let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who also endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
(Get ready for the kicker)
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (this is found in Proverbs 3:11-12 as well) (vs. 1-6)
I'm just going to stop there for a minute and allow you to soak that in. Re-read it if you need to.
Here's the part that really made me cry:
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," (Proverbs 4:26) so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. (vs. 7-13)
As I was reading this, welling up with tears, God brought to my mind the struggles I've had with infertility this year...and the fact that I didn't trust and kept trying to make things happen my way. I felt like God was punishing me, by not allowing me to get pregnant. And guess what? I'm thinking now that maybe He was. Would I have gotten pregnant if I had trusted more? It's possible. But, that's not the point. The point is, I didn't trust Him...I didn't want to follow His plan and lean on Him for strength...I wanted to do things alone. And, it took me feeling helpless and alone and finally giving up all those times to realize I couldn't do it without Him. And now, that I feel like I have endured a lot of discipline this year, I am starting to see the part described in verse 11:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
I do feel at peace. I do feel like trusting God is the right way...the best way...to go through this battle.
I don't know many people that like to think about God's wrath very much. I think a lot of times, we tend to think of God's wrath as being an "Old Testament" thing. And yet, it's not. God is a God of wrath...but also a God of love. How do these two seemingly contradicting attributes go with the same God? Simple. We all deserve the wrath of God. All of us. There is not one of us that hasn't sinned, hasn't fallen short, hasn't done something to deserve death. Yet, God offers us His love and forgiveness, through His Son, Jesus Christ. Does that mean He won't pour His wrath out on us? Not necessarily. There is still a consequence for the sins we've committed. There are still residual effects of the things we've done. And, we will still have to answer for them someday. Yet, God still loves us, and in all things, works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Discipline is good. It is not always pleasant. It is not always fun. Most of the time, it just plain sucks. But, it's always best. It's always meant to help us and not to harm us. My parents disciplined me when I lived at home. I may not have always understood it at the time...or even agreed with it...but it was always to help me to see that what I was doing was wrong...or that I was going to hurt myself in the long run by doing it. I hated having a curfew and not being able to do certain things...but you know what? I appreciate it now. Now that I am out of the house and can see why my parents did the things they did...it all makes sense. They just wanted to keep me safe...and in one piece...because of their love for me. Not to stifle me, not to keep me from growing up...to keep me safe. That is all God wants for us, too. He wants to keep us safe and to keep us with Him...so the things of this world will not entice us and make us turn away from Him.
I hated the discipline I had to endure this year. I had many very painful days and nights. But you know what? They helped me get back on track...back on the path God wanted me to be on. A path of trusting God and letting Him have control of my life. And, let me tell you...this path is worth all the discipline in the world.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Trust...Revisited
I wrote a blog back in March with a bunch of verses I had looked up that had to do with trusting God.
I have also written many blogs about trusting...in fact, Trust is the most used category in all of my blogs. So, you would think I'd have this trust thing all figured out, right?
Well, you and I would both be wrong.
I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend with some of the women from my church. We had a very large group this year (around 85 of us), though we were split up into a couple of different sections. It was amazing to me, though, that our group of 30 last year multiplied into so many more. It was a fantastic time of tender worship, much needed laughter, amazing teaching, and wonderful concerts. It was a very refreshing end to a week of much needed rest.
One of the main things I came away from the weekend with was the word "Trust". Big surprise, right? One of the things that really hit me about it was something Sheila Walsh said (she is by far my favorite Women of Faith speaker. She was very powerful last year and was extremely powerful again this year). She said that a couple of years ago, if asked what the most important thing every Christian woman needed to do was, it would be to love God more. Now, she says she would say that it's to trust God completely, because out of trust comes that love. You can't truly love someone deeply if you don't trust them.
It was profound to me. It really struck a chord in me, because I think this has been my problem all along. I haven't truly been loving God the way I should be, because there is a part of me that just does not trust Him. It's the part that's been broken, beaten, torn down, discarded, and forgotten. None of these things being God's doing...but more His "not doing"...or at least that's how I always saw it.
The conference went on and many of the other speakers talked about all these horrible things they had been through...and how they had to come to the realization that God is still sovereign...and that through those things, God healed them and mended them in ways they could never have imagined.
I found myself thinking about the state of my heart this past year...the hurts I've hidden, the pain I've experienced, the trust I've lost...in both God and other people. I realized that I have had a veil up, in some of my closest relationships...because if I didn't let those people in, I would never be hurt by them. I didn't even realize I was even living this way until Sheila Walsh described a situation in which her husband confronted her about the very same thing. She wasn't truly loving her husband and son, because if she did, and they hurt her, she would lose all trust in them.
I know I am like this with God. I know I am like this in many other relationships. It's so much easier to live behind the veil, guarding myself from the actions or words that might break me. Yet, it's in those broken moments that God is there, waiting to pick me up, hold me, and help me learn to trust again. So many times, I stuff the feelings inside and deal with them on my own, not needing His help, or anyone else's, for that matter.
It's taken me a couple of days to sit down and process all of this. I came home and got caught up in the things that needed to be taken care of...instead of taking the time to take care of the state of my heart and mind...and taking the time to pour my heart out to God.
I know I am not done in this whole process. I know it's going to take time for me to truly work out what this will look like in my life. I know I need to spend lots of time with God, to learn to truly trust Him so I can learn to deeply love Him. I know I have many relationships that I need to work through and figure out how to trust those people more. And, I know I need to stop holding so many hurts inside and learn to truly let them out and let them go.
I am still longing, with all my heart, to be a mother someday. I know what God has promised me, and yet, I have slowly stopped trusting in His promise...because it hasn't happened. Yet, I read about Abraham and Sarah...and remember the stories of many dear women that I am close to that had to wait 4, 6, 10 years to have their first child...and I think, why I am being so impatient? God has a plan. He has it all ordained and knows exactly when it's going to happen. And I think, someday, when my child is 18 years old, I will look back on these days, and see how perfectly God orchestrated the timing of it all. Maybe Josh and I have more growing to do before the time is right...or maybe some trial is going to come up that I need to go through first before I get pregnant...or maybe God wants to teach me more of what it looks like to be patient and loving so I can demonstrate those things much better to my child. Whatever the reasoning, I am really trying to trust that His best is happening in my life...because I know that is what He wants for me.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. -Psalm 37:4-5 (NIV)
I don't have all the answers. I definitely don't have everything all figured out. But, I do know that trusting in my Savior is the only thing that is going to help me truly live my life...
I have also written many blogs about trusting...in fact, Trust is the most used category in all of my blogs. So, you would think I'd have this trust thing all figured out, right?
Well, you and I would both be wrong.
I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend with some of the women from my church. We had a very large group this year (around 85 of us), though we were split up into a couple of different sections. It was amazing to me, though, that our group of 30 last year multiplied into so many more. It was a fantastic time of tender worship, much needed laughter, amazing teaching, and wonderful concerts. It was a very refreshing end to a week of much needed rest.
One of the main things I came away from the weekend with was the word "Trust". Big surprise, right? One of the things that really hit me about it was something Sheila Walsh said (she is by far my favorite Women of Faith speaker. She was very powerful last year and was extremely powerful again this year). She said that a couple of years ago, if asked what the most important thing every Christian woman needed to do was, it would be to love God more. Now, she says she would say that it's to trust God completely, because out of trust comes that love. You can't truly love someone deeply if you don't trust them.
It was profound to me. It really struck a chord in me, because I think this has been my problem all along. I haven't truly been loving God the way I should be, because there is a part of me that just does not trust Him. It's the part that's been broken, beaten, torn down, discarded, and forgotten. None of these things being God's doing...but more His "not doing"...or at least that's how I always saw it.
The conference went on and many of the other speakers talked about all these horrible things they had been through...and how they had to come to the realization that God is still sovereign...and that through those things, God healed them and mended them in ways they could never have imagined.
I found myself thinking about the state of my heart this past year...the hurts I've hidden, the pain I've experienced, the trust I've lost...in both God and other people. I realized that I have had a veil up, in some of my closest relationships...because if I didn't let those people in, I would never be hurt by them. I didn't even realize I was even living this way until Sheila Walsh described a situation in which her husband confronted her about the very same thing. She wasn't truly loving her husband and son, because if she did, and they hurt her, she would lose all trust in them.
I know I am like this with God. I know I am like this in many other relationships. It's so much easier to live behind the veil, guarding myself from the actions or words that might break me. Yet, it's in those broken moments that God is there, waiting to pick me up, hold me, and help me learn to trust again. So many times, I stuff the feelings inside and deal with them on my own, not needing His help, or anyone else's, for that matter.
It's taken me a couple of days to sit down and process all of this. I came home and got caught up in the things that needed to be taken care of...instead of taking the time to take care of the state of my heart and mind...and taking the time to pour my heart out to God.
I know I am not done in this whole process. I know it's going to take time for me to truly work out what this will look like in my life. I know I need to spend lots of time with God, to learn to truly trust Him so I can learn to deeply love Him. I know I have many relationships that I need to work through and figure out how to trust those people more. And, I know I need to stop holding so many hurts inside and learn to truly let them out and let them go.
I am still longing, with all my heart, to be a mother someday. I know what God has promised me, and yet, I have slowly stopped trusting in His promise...because it hasn't happened. Yet, I read about Abraham and Sarah...and remember the stories of many dear women that I am close to that had to wait 4, 6, 10 years to have their first child...and I think, why I am being so impatient? God has a plan. He has it all ordained and knows exactly when it's going to happen. And I think, someday, when my child is 18 years old, I will look back on these days, and see how perfectly God orchestrated the timing of it all. Maybe Josh and I have more growing to do before the time is right...or maybe some trial is going to come up that I need to go through first before I get pregnant...or maybe God wants to teach me more of what it looks like to be patient and loving so I can demonstrate those things much better to my child. Whatever the reasoning, I am really trying to trust that His best is happening in my life...because I know that is what He wants for me.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. -Psalm 37:4-5 (NIV)
I don't have all the answers. I definitely don't have everything all figured out. But, I do know that trusting in my Savior is the only thing that is going to help me truly live my life...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
No Matter What
Ok...I have a few more words...
I was driving home from work today and this song came on the radio. It seriously made me start crying. Oh Lord, I really want to believe this right now...
I was driving home from work today and this song came on the radio. It seriously made me start crying. Oh Lord, I really want to believe this right now...
I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why
No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what
When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength
Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You
No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
No matter what
(No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Beauty in the Breakdown
It's funny to me how things work out the way they do.
When I picked the songs for the playlist on this blog, I pretty much just picked songs that I liked. I thought the first song fit well...Let Go...well, because that it what this journey is all about...letting go. But, I guess I hadn't really paid attention to the words much recently. I think it's very fitting to this whole journey.
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
(Let Go by Frou Frou)
I think this is my biggest issue with everything in my life. I don't like jumping into things. I don't like the unknown...the possibility of taking a risk that could end badly. But, that is what faith is. It's a jump into the unknown...with the possibility that it could end badly... And, even though I believe it won't end badly, I act like stepping out in faith is like jumping off a diving board and not knowing if I will make it or not. I just don't trust enough that God really has my back, my best in mind, and that He's got it covered. If I did, this wouldn't be a constant struggle for me. I know He wants me to just let go and get in the water, because there's beauty in the breakdown. I've seen evidence of it recently...I've seen the beauty come out of my life and the lives of those around me when we take the risk. It's just the breakdown part that isn't so fun...but oh so necessary.
Oh heart, it's ok to let go. He really does have it.
When I picked the songs for the playlist on this blog, I pretty much just picked songs that I liked. I thought the first song fit well...Let Go...well, because that it what this journey is all about...letting go. But, I guess I hadn't really paid attention to the words much recently. I think it's very fitting to this whole journey.
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
(Let Go by Frou Frou)
I think this is my biggest issue with everything in my life. I don't like jumping into things. I don't like the unknown...the possibility of taking a risk that could end badly. But, that is what faith is. It's a jump into the unknown...with the possibility that it could end badly... And, even though I believe it won't end badly, I act like stepping out in faith is like jumping off a diving board and not knowing if I will make it or not. I just don't trust enough that God really has my back, my best in mind, and that He's got it covered. If I did, this wouldn't be a constant struggle for me. I know He wants me to just let go and get in the water, because there's beauty in the breakdown. I've seen evidence of it recently...I've seen the beauty come out of my life and the lives of those around me when we take the risk. It's just the breakdown part that isn't so fun...but oh so necessary.
Oh heart, it's ok to let go. He really does have it.
Monday, July 26, 2010
The End of Me as I Know it...
God has really been shaking up my heart these past few weeks...
I just started co-leading a Bible study with a dear friend and mentor of mine just two weeks ago. The book we are going through is amazing...but hard...because it is rockin' my world like nothing else (Believing God by Beth Moore). The first two weeks of the study have been focusing on having faith and believing that God is who He says He is. While I do believe many aspects of who God says He is, I have been having trouble with a few...and mostly the ones that have to do with Him being a promise keeper...or that He knows what is best for me...as so many times in life, I think I've got my best all figured out.
As I was doing my homework for the study today, I kept having this song run through my head. Mind you, it is not a worship song...not even a song about God...nor is it even remotely glorifying to Him. But, this line keeps playing over and over in my head...
It's the end where I begin...
And, the more I've been thinking about it, the more it is making sense to my life right now. The moment I am at my wit's end, when I have exhausted all possibilities of doing things on my own...that is the moment where I begin to trust God. I know it's not supposed to be that way...but that is where I am at currently. It's the moment when I'm overcome with my humanness, my imperfection, my broken state of being that I can't get myself out of, that I cry out to Him and ask for His help.
This verse was a part of my homework for today and it truly is my heart's cry:
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10 NIV)
And while I am completely broken and so in need of God's strength, He has been molding me, stretching me, and growing me so much in the past couple of weeks. I was able to pray so passionately for a dear sister of mine on Saturday...who didn't even know what she needed prayer for...but the words just came. I felt God speaking through me and bringing to my mind the words she needed prayed over her...and it was AWESOME! I can't even remember the last time I was able to pray for someone in that manner. It was truly a beautiful gift that God gave me...to be able to be used by Him, in spite of my broken and weak state.
It's amazing to know, to TRULY understand, that God is using me for His glory. To be able to experience it and see it firsthand...well, it just blows me away. I have seen Him do amazing things in the lives of those around me as well. So many of us are taking this leap of faith, of turning our wills over to God, and watching Him do the incredible in and through us. I am so blessed to have my church family, whom I truly consider my family, to walk this journey with.
This may truly be the end of me as I've known myself...but I am more than ok with that.
I just started co-leading a Bible study with a dear friend and mentor of mine just two weeks ago. The book we are going through is amazing...but hard...because it is rockin' my world like nothing else (Believing God by Beth Moore). The first two weeks of the study have been focusing on having faith and believing that God is who He says He is. While I do believe many aspects of who God says He is, I have been having trouble with a few...and mostly the ones that have to do with Him being a promise keeper...or that He knows what is best for me...as so many times in life, I think I've got my best all figured out.
As I was doing my homework for the study today, I kept having this song run through my head. Mind you, it is not a worship song...not even a song about God...nor is it even remotely glorifying to Him. But, this line keeps playing over and over in my head...
It's the end where I begin...
And, the more I've been thinking about it, the more it is making sense to my life right now. The moment I am at my wit's end, when I have exhausted all possibilities of doing things on my own...that is the moment where I begin to trust God. I know it's not supposed to be that way...but that is where I am at currently. It's the moment when I'm overcome with my humanness, my imperfection, my broken state of being that I can't get myself out of, that I cry out to Him and ask for His help.
This verse was a part of my homework for today and it truly is my heart's cry:
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10 NIV)
And while I am completely broken and so in need of God's strength, He has been molding me, stretching me, and growing me so much in the past couple of weeks. I was able to pray so passionately for a dear sister of mine on Saturday...who didn't even know what she needed prayer for...but the words just came. I felt God speaking through me and bringing to my mind the words she needed prayed over her...and it was AWESOME! I can't even remember the last time I was able to pray for someone in that manner. It was truly a beautiful gift that God gave me...to be able to be used by Him, in spite of my broken and weak state.
It's amazing to know, to TRULY understand, that God is using me for His glory. To be able to experience it and see it firsthand...well, it just blows me away. I have seen Him do amazing things in the lives of those around me as well. So many of us are taking this leap of faith, of turning our wills over to God, and watching Him do the incredible in and through us. I am so blessed to have my church family, whom I truly consider my family, to walk this journey with.
This may truly be the end of me as I've known myself...but I am more than ok with that.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Painstakingly Obvious
I feel like I am constantly being slapped in the face.
I keep getting reminded of truths that I know God wants me to comprehend, learn, and put into practice...yet I keep ignoring them.
Every time I am around other followers of Christ, I keep getting reminded of how much I am supposed to trust God and not rely on my own strength...yet I keep doubting Him and leaning on my strength.
I feel like I should have learned this lesson by now.
Why is it taking me so long?
I keep getting reminded of truths that I know God wants me to comprehend, learn, and put into practice...yet I keep ignoring them.
Every time I am around other followers of Christ, I keep getting reminded of how much I am supposed to trust God and not rely on my own strength...yet I keep doubting Him and leaning on my strength.
I feel like I should have learned this lesson by now.
Why is it taking me so long?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Healer
Tonight was amazing.
I have been fighting allergy issues since Wednesday. I was really bummed that I wasn't feeling better today, because I was supposed to sing on the worship team. But, I think God had a different plan tonight.
We had a guest worship leader tonight who was awesome! She introduced a new song. I had been listening to it all week, to be prepared for practice today...but I guess I hadn't really paid much attention to the lyrics. Tonight, as I was preparing to take communion, the words of that song overcome me. I couldn't help but cry as they hit me right where I'm at.
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I'll trust in You
Thank you, Jesus, for loving me and being all I need. I'm sorry I lose sight of that too often.
(If you want to check out the song, it's called Healer and it's by Hillsong. And I wasn't referring to being healed from my allergies, but being healed in other areas of my life)
I have been fighting allergy issues since Wednesday. I was really bummed that I wasn't feeling better today, because I was supposed to sing on the worship team. But, I think God had a different plan tonight.
We had a guest worship leader tonight who was awesome! She introduced a new song. I had been listening to it all week, to be prepared for practice today...but I guess I hadn't really paid much attention to the lyrics. Tonight, as I was preparing to take communion, the words of that song overcome me. I couldn't help but cry as they hit me right where I'm at.
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I'll trust in You
Thank you, Jesus, for loving me and being all I need. I'm sorry I lose sight of that too often.
(If you want to check out the song, it's called Healer and it's by Hillsong. And I wasn't referring to being healed from my allergies, but being healed in other areas of my life)
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Girlfriends
Today, I had lunch with some of my girlfriends...
Girlfriends...
When I think about the word girlfriends, it reminds me of jr. high.
I was your typical awkward, emotional teenaged girl, trying to understand all the changes that were happening in my life. Not only was I growing up and really starting to like boys, but I was beginning to notice and feel the effects of catty girls.
I didn't have a lot of friends before then. I had one best friend, maybe two, and we hung out mostly at church or school. But it seemed like I had no friends in jr. high. They had all either gotten all into their looks and spent hours putting on makeup and talking about boys, or they found cooler, smarter, prettier friends to spend their time with, and I was forgotten about.
I remember one day in particular that my mom had taken my sister and I out for pizza when I just broke down. I started crying and asking my mom why I didn't have any friends. I just felt so lost. She told me it would just take time, that all the catty girls would eventually grow up, or that I would make new friends.
In my experience, the catty girls never grew up... Well, they did...but they never grew out of the catty stage. They just got older and did even more catty things, with other catty girls they met along the way. So, that left me with the option of new friends.
I met some amazing girls in high school, one of whom is still my best friend to this day. I keep in contact with a few others, but mostly, I have lost contact with a lot of the people I knew then. Sophomore year in high school, I remember looking back on jr. high and smiling at the sad memory of myself crying in the pizza place. If only I'd known back then how much better life was going to get in just a few years.
Of course, I still had plenty of run-ins with catty girls through high school...and beyond. But at least I had other girls on my side, girls who liked me for me, whether I wore makeup and cute clothes or not. Girls who saw me for who I really was...inside...and not just how I looked or who I liked.
College brought many other friends...some of which I still have and cherish so much (another best friend came from that time in my life as well). More changes took place and I started valuing my friendships so much more. I started to understand the importance of having women in my life, not just to hang out with, but to truly pour into my life, as I poured back into theirs.
And now, having been married for over two years and having more women in my life that I consider friends, I understand what my mom and so many others meant when they said they had "girlfriends". Because being married or seriously dating someone is fun, don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Josh...growing closer to him, learning more about his quirks, overcoming obstacles together, and just learning what it means to truly love someone. But I need females in my life, too. I need girlfriends. Not just for hanging out or going shopping, but to talk to, to connect with, to vent to, and to laugh with.
My girlfriends mean so much to me. Those women in my life who, whether we see each other all the time or not, we can get together and it's just like old times (thanks, Amy G., for putting it into words so perfectly). Those women who, even if we haven't known each other very long, I can talk to about important things in life, and we can learn so much from each other. Those women who, even if we aren't close in age, I have so much in common with, and we can share our journeys in life, no matter how different they have been.
I have never been popular, I am not super pretty, I don't wear the latest fashions, I don't have it all together, and yet, I don't care. None of those things matter to me, and they don't matter to my girlfriends, either. It's a beautiful thing, being able to be yourself and not worry about how long it's been since you've shaved your legs, or gotten a manicure, or bought a new pair of jeans. My girlfriends love me for who I am, because they love me the way Christ loves me. And that, is the very best kind of girlfriend to have.
Girlfriends...
When I think about the word girlfriends, it reminds me of jr. high.
I was your typical awkward, emotional teenaged girl, trying to understand all the changes that were happening in my life. Not only was I growing up and really starting to like boys, but I was beginning to notice and feel the effects of catty girls.
I didn't have a lot of friends before then. I had one best friend, maybe two, and we hung out mostly at church or school. But it seemed like I had no friends in jr. high. They had all either gotten all into their looks and spent hours putting on makeup and talking about boys, or they found cooler, smarter, prettier friends to spend their time with, and I was forgotten about.
I remember one day in particular that my mom had taken my sister and I out for pizza when I just broke down. I started crying and asking my mom why I didn't have any friends. I just felt so lost. She told me it would just take time, that all the catty girls would eventually grow up, or that I would make new friends.
In my experience, the catty girls never grew up... Well, they did...but they never grew out of the catty stage. They just got older and did even more catty things, with other catty girls they met along the way. So, that left me with the option of new friends.
I met some amazing girls in high school, one of whom is still my best friend to this day. I keep in contact with a few others, but mostly, I have lost contact with a lot of the people I knew then. Sophomore year in high school, I remember looking back on jr. high and smiling at the sad memory of myself crying in the pizza place. If only I'd known back then how much better life was going to get in just a few years.
Of course, I still had plenty of run-ins with catty girls through high school...and beyond. But at least I had other girls on my side, girls who liked me for me, whether I wore makeup and cute clothes or not. Girls who saw me for who I really was...inside...and not just how I looked or who I liked.
College brought many other friends...some of which I still have and cherish so much (another best friend came from that time in my life as well). More changes took place and I started valuing my friendships so much more. I started to understand the importance of having women in my life, not just to hang out with, but to truly pour into my life, as I poured back into theirs.
And now, having been married for over two years and having more women in my life that I consider friends, I understand what my mom and so many others meant when they said they had "girlfriends". Because being married or seriously dating someone is fun, don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Josh...growing closer to him, learning more about his quirks, overcoming obstacles together, and just learning what it means to truly love someone. But I need females in my life, too. I need girlfriends. Not just for hanging out or going shopping, but to talk to, to connect with, to vent to, and to laugh with.
My girlfriends mean so much to me. Those women in my life who, whether we see each other all the time or not, we can get together and it's just like old times (thanks, Amy G., for putting it into words so perfectly). Those women who, even if we haven't known each other very long, I can talk to about important things in life, and we can learn so much from each other. Those women who, even if we aren't close in age, I have so much in common with, and we can share our journeys in life, no matter how different they have been.
I have never been popular, I am not super pretty, I don't wear the latest fashions, I don't have it all together, and yet, I don't care. None of those things matter to me, and they don't matter to my girlfriends, either. It's a beautiful thing, being able to be yourself and not worry about how long it's been since you've shaved your legs, or gotten a manicure, or bought a new pair of jeans. My girlfriends love me for who I am, because they love me the way Christ loves me. And that, is the very best kind of girlfriend to have.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Trust
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. Psalm 37:4-5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
I did a search on Biblegateway.com tonight with the word Trust. I wanted to see if there were more Scriptures that had to do with trusting God than the obvious Proverbs 3:5-6 (which happens to be my favorite verse). I found many more than what I included here, but these ones really stuck out to me. I have a hard time letting go of control in my life. I want to be able to control what happens and what doesn't. And, when I am not able to do so, life is a lot harder for me. Learning to trust God (and trust that what He has planned for me is best) is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. It's been a constant battle, since I was in jr. high and figured out what it truly meant to call myself a "Christian". It's a battle I fight every single day, and one that gets harder and harder, it seems. I needed to look up these verses tonight to remind myself that I NEED to trust God. He is faithful and He keeps His promises (the word promise comes up 221 times if you search for it on Biblegateway). I know this to be true, but I have to keep trusting in Him that the things He's promised me will come to fruition. God, help me to let go and let You do what You will in my life...
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. Psalm 37:4-5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
I did a search on Biblegateway.com tonight with the word Trust. I wanted to see if there were more Scriptures that had to do with trusting God than the obvious Proverbs 3:5-6 (which happens to be my favorite verse). I found many more than what I included here, but these ones really stuck out to me. I have a hard time letting go of control in my life. I want to be able to control what happens and what doesn't. And, when I am not able to do so, life is a lot harder for me. Learning to trust God (and trust that what He has planned for me is best) is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. It's been a constant battle, since I was in jr. high and figured out what it truly meant to call myself a "Christian". It's a battle I fight every single day, and one that gets harder and harder, it seems. I needed to look up these verses tonight to remind myself that I NEED to trust God. He is faithful and He keeps His promises (the word promise comes up 221 times if you search for it on Biblegateway). I know this to be true, but I have to keep trusting in Him that the things He's promised me will come to fruition. God, help me to let go and let You do what You will in my life...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Be Still
I feel like I just experienced one of the toughest, but most amazing weeks in my life. This time on Sunday night, I never would have thought I would feel the way I do this very moment. I am probably going to have a really hard time putting it all into words, but here goes...
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...
1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.
I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...
1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.
I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!
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