Life Lately

Since February is almost over, I figured it was about time to do some catching up on what's been going on in my life lately.

I started off the month at a crab feed. I was supposed to go with my sister-in-law last year, but my bestie was very close to going into labor, so I ended up selling my ticket. This was my first one and it was a lot of fun! I couldn't eat as much crab as I would have liked, because I was so full, but it was still fun. I met a lot of my hubby's colleagues and then we danced the night away after.

My sister-in-law, brother-in-law and I after dinner

The next day, we went to a Super Bowl party at my brother-in-law's house with all of our church friends. Even though it was probably the worst Super Game I've ever "watched", it was still a fun day of hanging out and worshipping with some of my favorite people.

Later in the month, I went to Disney on Ice! I loved it so much last year and was so excited to see it again. They did the stories of The Little Mermaid, Tangled, Brave, and Beauty and the Beast. It's so fun seeing the stories played out in skating form, and it was really fun to see how much my niece loved it, as this was her first time going.

 None of the pics on my phone came out the best. The lighting was so bright in there!

My happy niece and her daddy

That weekend, I went dancing with some of my friends, went to my brother-in-law's surprise party...and then we left for a really fun trip (which will get its own post)!

We spent Valentine's Day with some of Josh's family and the next day we went to a friend's 40th birthday party.

From our wine tasting trip last month

We had a fun game night with some good friends last weekend and I went to a wine party with some friends I'd gone wine tasting with in January. And of course, Sunday was our anniversary, so we had a fun day together. We went out to dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date and then to church.

Our anniversary dinner

It's been quite the busy month and March is looking even busier. But it's been a great month and I am so thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life.

I Need You

Today was a little rough for me.

I've known for weeks now that I was going to be leading a worship song tonight at church. I was struggling with how to sing it, because a guy normally sings it. I finally decided on a key last night...and changed it today before practice. I just didn't feel comfortable with it at all.

Then, during practice, I just lost it. My voice was cracking, it was making my voice sound funny, and I was just frustrated. I had prayed a lot today before I got there that God would help me get through this song, because I love it so much and I think it's a great worship song...but I was just having such a hard time with it. I seriously almost threw in the towel on it during practice. I was just so frustrated with it.

Thankfully, the second time we went through it, it was a lot better. And only by the grace of God was I able to get through it during worship tonight at church.

There's a part in the song that just kills me and makes my throat catch every time:

Without You, I fall apart

I was definitely feeling like that while singing the song. Every time I tried to make it work of my own strength, I was falling apart. But when I rested in Him and leaned on Him for help, it was so much better.

These past two months have been really hard on me. I have spent so much time worrying and stressing about all these different situations going on...instead of letting God have control. I just kept falling apart, because I couldn't handle them on my own...but I wasn't letting Him handle them either.

This song, this beautiful song, has helped me to remember just how much I really do need Him.



(Lord I Need You by Matt Maher)

Just Being Real

I feel the need to be a little real here today.

As this year has had its share of ups and downs, my heart has had some ups and downs, too.

Sometimes I'm really ashamed to think of the things I've said, or the thoughts I've had, or the ways I've reacted in certain situations.

My heart has been a little ugly this year.

In the Bible study I've been doing this fall, we've been learning how to better handle life's disappointments. This past week's chapter was on being meek in the midst of stressful situations.

I, like some of the other women in the group, used to think of meekness as being weak or timid or quiet...almost mouse-like...when in reality, it's more of a humble attitude.

As you probably know, I'm kind of a control freak. I like to have my ducks in a row, and I like to be the one who arranges them. I have a hard time submitting and letting someone else have control. I have an especially hard time letting God have control.

And, one thing I've learned about this control issue of mine is that it's pretty much a pride issue. I want things done my way because "I know best" or "I know how I want it done" or "I will do a better job of it than you will".

I don't like admitting I'm prideful, but there's no other way to say it. You can't sugarcoat this stuff.

So, for someone like me, meekness is a hard thing to walk out. I don't want to be gentle and humble...at least, not all the time. I want to be able to react to situations the way I want to...

I...I...I...

Ugh.

I know that we all have emotions and feelings. I know that as women, it's easy to justify our actions because of the way we feel in certain situations.

But the truth of the matter is, God calls us to a higher standard...and He wants us to be meek in the midst of our situations.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart (the KJV says, for I am meek and lowly in heart), and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

Our perfect example was meek in the midst of every situation He lived through...so why is it so hard for us to be meek?

Because we let our pride get in the way.

I don't know about you, but I don't want my heart to be filled with all this ugliness anymore...

Riding the Waves

I like to have control.

That's no new revelation. Anyone who knows me or who's been reading this blog for quite some time knows that about me.

I have a hard time when things don't go the way I planned...or when things fall apart...or when something interrupts my plans.

If we were all honest, I think most of us would probably admit to being this way a lot of the time.

And yet, I don't really know where this desire to have control stems from...except that it's something that keeps me from letting God have control of my life. Which is huge in and of itself. It's the reason I have such a hard time trusting in His timing and believing that He has a perfect will for my life...because my perfect will would have happened a long time ago.

In my Bible study reading for this week, the author of our book asked how we react to interruptions in our plan. I know how I react...I get upset, I may even freak out a little, and I try to fix it somehow...all before realizing I should have asked God for help in the first place.

But, how are we supposed to react?

This is one of the verses the author shared:

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
(Proverbs 19:21 NIV)

I know I need to rest in that fact all the time. No matter what I plan and how perfect I may make everything fall into place, it is still God's will that prevails. Even if I do everything "right", He still may have another plan. And, I have to be ok with that.

I also realized this week that I have a hard time admitting I need help...with anything. I don't even like to let my husband help me with stuff. I put on this tough act, like I've got everything handled, even though I would love him to help me more. I pretend that all is well with me so that he doesn't have to see the hurts or the struggles I go through...until I just can't hold them in anymore and they burst out (which tends to happen pretty often).

Even today...he came home and he knew I was hurting over something. I started to tear up, but I didn't want to cry...because I know it breaks his heart to watch me cry. So, I sucked it up and wiped them away. He asked me why I wasn't letting myself cry...and I told him because I know that he hates to see me cry. He then said, "But don't you need to cry sometimes?" And, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

He's right. I do need to cry sometimes. I do need to admit that I'm weak and that I need help. I do need to admit that I can't control my life and that I can't do everything myself.

I really want to be better at this letting go thing...I know I'm definitely in a much better place than I was this time last year...but still...not where I'd like to be. And yet, I can't let the goal of letting go become something I could possibly try to control and make happen faster...because then I'm in the same boat all over again (a potentially crazy cycle).

Speaking of boats...I wanted to share a couple of pics from our whale watching experience (all pics taken by my friend Jenn. She's an amazing photographer).

(Humpback whale tail fin)

(The two humpbacks next to each other)

(Dolphins!!)

(These guys were cute...but oh so smelly!)

(Our little group...with the b-day girl in the middle)

(The hubs and I)

Being on that boat helped me learn a little bit about not being able to control my life. The water was really choppy sometimes...so much so that I would feel myself starting to freak out...but I knew that I had to trust the captain. He does this all the time and he knows what he's doing...just like God knows what He's doing.

I'm going to try my best to rest in that this week.

Be blessed.

Discipline

I decided to pick up my Bible tonight to start on the reading for my Bible study.
(I haven't really picked up my Bible to sit down and read it for a couple of weeks now...and that makes me sad)
As I was reading through Hebrews 12, my eyes started to well up with tears. Read it for yourself:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (go read Hebrews 11 if you don't know what this is referring to), let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who also endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
(Get ready for the kicker)
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (this is found in Proverbs 3:11-12 as well) (vs. 1-6)

I'm just going to stop there for a minute and allow you to soak that in. Re-read it if you need to.

Here's the part that really made me cry:
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," (Proverbs 4:26) so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. (vs. 7-13)

As I was reading this, welling up with tears, God brought to my mind the struggles I've had with infertility this year...and the fact that I didn't trust and kept trying to make things happen my way. I felt like God was punishing me, by not allowing me to get pregnant. And guess what? I'm thinking now that maybe He was. Would I have gotten pregnant if I had trusted more? It's possible. But, that's not the point. The point is, I didn't trust Him...I didn't want to follow His plan and lean on Him for strength...I wanted to do things alone. And, it took me feeling helpless and alone and finally giving up all those times to realize I couldn't do it without Him. And now, that I feel like I have endured a lot of discipline this year, I am starting to see the part described in verse 11:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
I do feel at peace. I do feel like trusting God is the right way...the best way...to go through this battle.
I don't know many people that like to think about God's wrath very much. I think a lot of times, we tend to think of God's wrath as being an "Old Testament" thing. And yet, it's not. God is a God of wrath...but also a God of love. How do these two seemingly contradicting attributes go with the same God? Simple. We all deserve the wrath of God. All of us. There is not one of us that hasn't sinned, hasn't fallen short, hasn't done something to deserve death. Yet, God offers us His love and forgiveness, through His Son, Jesus Christ. Does that mean He won't pour His wrath out on us? Not necessarily. There is still a consequence for the sins we've committed. There are still residual effects of the things we've done. And, we will still have to answer for them someday. Yet, God still loves us, and in all things, works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Discipline is good. It is not always pleasant. It is not always fun. Most of the time, it just plain sucks. But, it's always best. It's always meant to help us and not to harm us. My parents disciplined me when I lived at home. I may not have always understood it at the time...or even agreed with it...but it was always to help me to see that what I was doing was wrong...or that I was going to hurt myself in the long run by doing it. I hated having a curfew and not being able to do certain things...but you know what? I appreciate it now. Now that I am out of the house and can see why my parents did the things they did...it all makes sense. They just wanted to keep me safe...and in one piece...because of their love for me. Not to stifle me, not to keep me from growing up...to keep me safe. That is all God wants for us, too. He wants to keep us safe and to keep us with Him...so the things of this world will not entice us and make us turn away from Him.
I hated the discipline I had to endure this year. I had many very painful days and nights. But you know what? They helped me get back on track...back on the path God wanted me to be on. A path of trusting God and letting Him have control of my life. And, let me tell you...this path is worth all the discipline in the world.

Dirty Dishes

I think I've realized recently how anal retentive I really am.
I guess I never saw myself as being OCD. I mean, I know that I like to do things a certain way, but I guess I never saw it as being anal or obsessive. I guess this all dawned on me yesterday as I was doing the dishes.
While I was sick this weekend, Josh had helped me out by loading up the dishwasher and making me food and such. There were more dishes in the sink yesterday, so I checked the dishwasher to see how much more I could put in there. But when I opened it up, I couldn't help but notice the way he'd loaded it. The sharp knives were interspersed between the rest of the silverware, the glass cutting board was in there, and he'd put the measuring cups in the silverware spots. While none of these things are horrible, I immediately pulled everything out and re-arranged them the way I would have loaded them. I hand washed the glass cutting board, put all the sharp knives in one of the silverware slots, and put the measuring cups on the top shelf in the dishwasher. I then proceeded to clean up the rest of the kitchen and put everything back in its 'place'.
But I guess the more I thought about it, the more I realized how silly it is for me to be so insistent on certain things being done my way. It wouldn't have hurt any of those items to be washed the way Josh had arranged them. They still would have come out clean and ready for their next use. And then I began to think about how similar this instance is to my relationship with God.
I insist on doing things my way all the time with God. I do whatever I can to make sure things happen the way I want them to...and when something goes wrong, I go to God and ask Him to fix it for me. Whereas if I just let things go and let things happen the way He wants them to, everything would come out great. Just like the dishes in the dishwasher still would have come out great the way Josh put them in there.
Isn't it amazing how God uses the little things in life to teach us lessons? If only I would learn this lesson and not have to keep reliving it all the time. Letting go and losing control...and letting God take over.
This also helped me a lot this week:
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. (James 4:13-17 NIV)