Moving Forward

We are already over halfway into January 2019.

It's crazy writing that out that way.

I'm still in shock that 2018 is over and we're almost a month into 2019 already.

2018 ended with me feeling a little scattered and like some things were half finished. I got to do just about everything I wanted to experience around Christmastime and we got to spend a lot of time with loved ones in December, but then I got sick. I think that's why things felt the way they did. I wanted so badly to take that time after Christmas to start organizing my house and my life and get into a better routine. But instead I spent 4 days on the couch, trying to rest so my cold didn't turn into anything worse.

I'm not saying that the resting was bad or that I should have been doing more, but I often beat myself up a little if I rest too much and don't get enough done. Or at least, enough by my own standards.

I didn't get to plan out my goals for 2019 like I wanted to. I didn't get to sit down and really think on 2018 like I wanted to.

And yet, life moves forward. And so do I.

As I type this, it sounds so silly and so petty. Not being able to spend time reflecting and dreaming. But in the moment, it felt like such a big deal.

If you know anything about the enneagram, I'm a 9. Part of being a 9 means that I often stuff my feelings down to keep the peace or because I don't want to deal with the pain or whatever other emotion it brings up. We 9's don't like to rock the boat.

So my being frustrated about not being able to do those things was actually a sign to me of trying to work through my struggles. I shared a little bit in this space about some of the things I've been learning about myself in the past 6ish months. One thing I'm trying to do more of is allowing myself to feel things.

For instance, I re-watched Gilmore Girls for like the 6th or 8th or 10th time (I've seen it a lot). And I re-watched A Year in the Life for the third time (maybe the 4th?). Watching the final episode, I could feel that ball in my throat getting harder and harder as my eyes welled up with tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to fully cry. But I took some deep breaths as I watched the show and I let them come. And that ball in my throat got lighter and lighter. I probably cried for about 10 minutes. And it felt good.

I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to really feel things. I think feeling it, living in it for as long as it takes, is essential for me. I don't want to keep bottling everything up inside. So even things that seem insignificant or petty (like not being able to spend time reflecting on 2018) need to be felt and worked through.

So as we move into 2019, I'm determined to keep working on giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel. The word I chose for 2019 was Rise. I'm ready to rise up, to rise above, to raise my head and feel. And I want to help those around me to do the same.



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For the past 10 years, I've made a point to make a collage of some of my favorite pictures and memories of the year before. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse into 2018. I'm excited to see where 2019 takes me!

Twenty-Nine

I've got some thoughts on being 29.

As I mentioned a couple of posts before, I've been having a hard time finding my place lately. Whether with church or friends or just life in general, it has been tough.

Josh and I went to Red Robin last week to use my free birthday burger. The waitress brought me a sundae, even though we weren't technically celebrating my birthday. It was so sweet!

I was able to celebrate my birthday over the course of a couple of days. I went out of town with a few of my girlfriends who love to dance. We ate at this amazing Japanese restaurant and then went to a country-style dancing club. Even though we weren't really into the music, we had a great time getting away and spending time with each other. I always love the conversations we have when it's just us girls.

I love sushi!

The night before my birthday, I was able to get together with some other friends. Being born during cold and flu season, over the half the people that were supposed to be there, weren't able to make it. But I actually ended up being really happy that it was a smaller group. We were able to talk about some things that we've all apparently being struggling with...and it made me realize that I am not alone in how I've been feeling lately.

 My sweet friends surprised me with red velvet cupcakes!

Yesterday was my actual birthday. I got to work and had the sweetest surprise on my desk. I then went and got my free Starbucks drink and came home to make some yummy brownies for dessert later that evening. We went out to dinner with our families, which was a really fun evening.

I unfortunately did not take any pictures of the last two birthday celebrations and I am pretty bummed about that.

I got some of the sweetest messages, texts and phone calls yesterday. It was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits.

 My birthday surprise at work! Don't mind my messy desk.

I tried the Caramel Flan Frappuccino. Not too bad, but definitely not my favorite.

I think I've been really struggling lately for a lot of reasons, but it was really great to know that I'm not alone, that the people I love care about me so much, and that God has given me so many wonderful blessings that I am incredibly thankful for.

It doesn't always take a birthday to remind me of that, but it did this time.

It feels a little weird to be in the last year of my 20's. Especially when I look back on my self 10 years ago. 19 year old Breeann was a much different person. A little sad that she was single and had gotten out of a not-so-good relationship. Trying so hard to live for God and in ways that pleased Him. Working with some amazing young people each week and pouring all she could into their lives. Little did she know she would re-connect with someone from her childhood less than a year later who would turn her world upside down.

So in spite of the struggles I've had lately, I have to think that in ten years, I'll be looking back at my 29 year old self. I will be smiling at who she was and remembering the things that brought her to that place. And hopefully reflecting on all the blessings these next 10 years will bring.

Shifting

I feel like my heart toward blogging is shifting again.

I have had one of the toughest, most emotional years of my life...and it's kept me very closed off. There are many things I don't feel like I can share with the outside world...and yet so many things I wish I could.

I love blogging about what's on my heart and what I'm learning and struggling with, in the hopes that it will help someone else who may need to hear my words. But I also know that some things are just too much or too personal and can't be shared, in spite of what benefit they might have to someone reading them.

Because of this, my blogging has become more sparse...and most of the topics I do choose to write about have become very light and happy.

It has been good...going through this journey and changing and molding and adapting. I don't want to lose my love of writing and sharing my heart...but I also want to be sensitive and mindful of what I'm sharing.

Because I've pulled away so much, I've lost many of the connections I had with other bloggers. I would email other bloggers quite often and comment on their blogs. There were many bloggers I wanted to meet in person and have coffee with someday. I wanted to go to a couple of different blogger conferences, but was never able to afford the cost of getting there. And I've stopped doing many of the weekly link ups I used to enjoy so much.

Sometimes it stings a little to know that I've lost some of these connections, because there are some truly amazing female bloggers out there with incredible hearts. But one thing I noticed about myself when I was constantly trying to connect with these women was that I was disconnecting myself from the real world. I wasn't connecting with the women that were right in front of my face, in my daily life.

So even though it hurts a little to know that I've probably missed out on some amazing opportunities and conversations, I'm very thankful that I identified this problem. I have a hard enough time connecting with the women in my life right now, let alone women I don't even know in person. I need to focus on what's in front of me instead of on what could have been.

Ain't that the story of every area of my life...

With all that said, I really do want to make blogging a bigger part of my life. I spend far too much time wishing I was better at it instead of doing something about it. Like I do with many areas of my life. So, it's time to make a change.

I am excited to share my fall and Christmas inspirations, the pictures of our latest fun trip and all the fun stuff we have planned through the end of the year, and the things on my heart that I feel comfortable sharing.

A new season is quickly approaching (even though the weather would suggest otherwise) and it's time for a new season to begin for me in blogging.

Emerging Moth

I've been going through the book Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer for the past two months with some women in my life.

While most of it has not been a totally new revelation or something I'd never heard before, this book just makes so much more sense than everything I have heard before. Priscilla presents it in a way that makes you want to slap yourself on the forehead, but also in a practical way that makes it easier to live out.

Anyway, in this past week's chapter, she shares a story of how there was an emperor moth cocoon that her son had been watching, waiting for the moth to emerge. When the day arrived, they both sat there, watching the moth struggle for quite some time. Her son wanted to help out the moth, but she used it as an opportunity to teach her son the importance of struggling. She tells him, "If it gets out too early, without fighting through, it'll be crippled the rest of its life".

Source

In the light of my personal struggles with infertility, I completely see the importance of the struggle. These past three years have been so up and down with where I've been at in my life...but this past six months have been the best I've had in a long time. Because I've finally struggled my way out of the cocoon I'd built around myself...and I've been able to emerge into the moth I was meant to be...the woman who doesn't allow herself to be held down by a seemingly impossible situation. The woman who fully puts her trust in the Lord and His abilities (at least, in this area. Trust me, I still have plenty of control struggles in other areas of my life).

But, if it weren't for the struggle to get out of that place...if I could have just emerged in a snap of my fingers as a new and beautiful moth...I wouldn't have learned the importance of trusting God and letting go of my own desires and wants.

And, that is just not the way God works. As Priscilla says, "Since our heavenly Father's goal is to help us reach our full spiritual potential as believers in Christ, we too will often be challenged by the things He calls us to do".

So today, I'm choosing to embrace the challenges and struggles God puts in my path. Because while they may be tough at first, the end result is definitely worth it.

I'm linking up at:

Some Days...

Some days, I'd just be happy to have some answers.

I was exhausted yesterday...like, com.plete.ly exhausted. I had to force myself out of bed...and I was fighting to keep my eyes open by 3pm. I ended up taking a nap for about an hour. And, the only thing I could think of was, "Wouldn't it be nice if I was pregnant so I would have a reason for being so tired?"

Of course, that is not the case.

But, it still would have been nice to be able to use that as an excuse.

Then, there was last night.

I couldn't fall asleep. I was trying so hard...but I probably didn't fall asleep until about 3am...and continued tossing and turning the rest of the night.

You'd think I'd be exhausted today.

But no...of course not. It's after midnight and I'm still wide awake.

Some days, I'd really like to use pregnancy as the reason for abnormal things.

Such is life...



Some days, I'd also really like to be superwoman.

I want to be the type of woman that actually enjoys cooking dinner for her husband...because I don't enjoy it. Thank goodness he likes to cook!



Some days, I'd also like to have a laundry folding fairy.

(Come on, you know you want one, too)



But, most of all, some days, I'd like to wake up, eager to spend some time in the Word.

Scratch that...

I'd like that to be my desire every morning.


Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."
(John 6:35, NIV)

This is what I want to long for each day...

Influences and Role Models

I had a really good conversation with a great friend last night.
Our husbands were busy fixing computer issues, so we had a couple of undivided hours to just talk and hang out. It was so refreshing.
Somehow, we got on the subject of the stars (as in famous people) and how crazy it is the way those of us that aren't stars follow their every move. How we feel the need to know who's dating who, who just divorced, and who got drunk and did something embarrassing again.
Our conversation then shifted to the stars who start out as role models and progressively become more "mature" as the years go on. Since my friend has kids who are very into the Disney channel and Nickelodeon, she was talking about the concerns she has when these "role models" go bad. One day, a singer is promoting abstinence and the next she is flaunting her now fake body for the whole world to see. We even talked about the shows on TV that start off with a Christian family with good morals and two years later, all the kids are hooking up with whoever they can get their hands on.
It got me thinking about how much value we put in life on role models. Whether we realize it or not, all of us, no matter how young or old, have at least one person that we look up to. It may be a singer on American Idol who started off living a life very similar to our own...and gets a great record deal. Or the woman next door who keeps a perfectly clean house...and has the three most well-behaved children around. Or even the guy who works his butt off to lose weight...and succeeds. We all look up to someone and wish we were more like them. And sometimes, it is definitely unintentional.
I then started thinking about the influences we have in our lives. The people we choose to surround ourselves with definitely have an impact on how we act and who we will become. My friend and I were talking about how easy it is to keep sinning or struggling with something when we don't have someone in our lives to confide in and get accountability from. It's like, the fact that no one knows about it keeps us from being embarrassed about it, so it's easy for it to continue. And how, when we allow ourselves to have those open, honest relationships with others, we tend to not struggle as much...or if we do, we will feel guilty about lying about it when asked how things are going.
I know there have definitely been times in my life that I have ignored things I was struggling with and pretended they weren't an issue. I wasn't telling anyone about them either, so it made it easier to continue down the horrible path I was taking. But when I have decided to confide in someone and ask for their prayers and accountability, it makes me feel more free in life. Knowing that someone else knows and will probably be able to tell if I'm lying about it makes it harder to enjoy the temporary happiness it brings.
I think I am finally getting to a point in my life where I am ok with where I've been and who I am right now. I feel good talking about my struggles with others, admitting that I've had problems, and asking for help to move forward. But I also want to be that person for others...and I know I definitely am in some of my friends' lives. I've had to learn that the people I spend the most time with need to be those that are going to help me, not bring me down or make me feel stupid for the decisions I make. And sometimes, that means that I can't just assume that because someone goes to church, that they are the best person for me to spend all my time with. It has to be someone who is serious about their faith, who walks with God every day, and who longs to grow closer to Him. Because that positive influence in my life is so helpful in encouraging me to do what I need to do to get closer to God.
I want to be a good role model... though I know I am not perfect.
I have definitely had my share of struggles, but I want to be able to show others that it's possible to move past things with God's help...and with the help of positive influences in my life.
That is the goal I am shooting for right now.