Randoms for the Week

I started writing out a post the other day about all the things that I'm not doing in my life right now that I wish I was doing.

After typing it all out, I decided it was not going to be published. When I re-read it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded.

Here I am, writing about all these things I need to change or add or do differently in my life...when what I should have done was close my laptop, get up, and do them! I have since made a point to start changing some things in my life.

I love having down time and relaxing, but I'm realizing that I crave a lot more than just that. And instead of writing about it, I need to just get up and do it sometimes.

*****

We watched the series finale of The Office last night with some friends. I had been dreading and anticipating this moment all week...I just have such a hard time saying goodbye to shows. It wasn't as intense as I felt when LOST ended, but it still felt like I was losing some of my best friends. The last couple of episodes leading up to the finale were so good...I told my husband that fact alone was making it even harder to say goodbye. The show hasn't been the same since Steve Carell left, but those episodes were really making up for it for me. So while last night's episode was hard to watch, I couldn't have been happier with the way they ended things. And man...some of the wisdom they imparted to us viewers was just priceless:

Be strong.

Trust yourself.

Love yourself.

Conquer your fears.

And fast...

because life just isn't that long.

(The Office)

*****

The tough stuff in life is still tough...but we are slowly getting to the light at the end of the tunnel in some of the situations. We have definitely felt people's prayers and are so grateful for them as we keep walking these roads. My heart gets overwhelmed if I dwell on things too long, but knowing other people are out there thinking of us and praying for us has been such a huge blessing.

*****

I am finally getting to the bottom of some of my neck and back issues. My doctor sent me to another department and I've had some tests done already to try and figure out what's going on. While we haven't gotten a lot of answers yet, some of the tests have come back normal, so that's at least encouraging. I'm also going to be getting some pain relief next week that I am super excited about. For someone who's been living with pain and stiffness for almost two years now...this news is incredible!

*****

I am still plugging along with the healthy eating thing! There have only been one or two days in the last two weeks that I've gone over on my calories...and I haven't had any soda in three weeks! I don't even miss it anymore, which is crazy to me. I'm learning to love the foods that I've been eating and I'm craving things like avocados and mandarins all the time now. Iced unsweetened green tea is my favorite drink right now, other than water. It's crazy living in this world, but I'm loving every minute of it.

*****

My oldest niece is turning 6 next week! Where has the time gone? We got to meet her the day she came home from the hospital and it was the best day ever. She brings so much joy to our family, even though she lives far away now. We are so in love with all of our nieces and are so blessed and such better people with them in our lives.

*****

I haven't talked a lot lately about my infertility issues. They are still there, and I am obviously still not pregnant or a mother. It's weird to be over four years on this road looking back at all of the trials and hard times we had to endure along the way. While I still have a great desire to be a mom someday, I also am really happy with where I'm at right now. Especially with all the pain issues I've had the past couple of years...I think getting pregnant during that time would have been so horrible. I trust God knows what He's doing in my life and this season will pass someday...

There's also a part of me that is kind of freaked out at the possibility of becoming pregnant. I've watched a lot of people in my life walk through some very hard things in their pregnancies and the thought of having to go through something like that really scares me. I know I have to trust in God's plan for my life, and I have to trust that whatever happens, I will be fine...but there's still a part of me that's a little scared.

*****

This weekend is full of fun! I'm going out dancing with some friends, we are attending a sweet little girl's 1st birthday party, and I have Bunco with my friends. I'm hoping we will be able to squeeze in seeing Star Trek as well!

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Twenty-Eight

Every time my birthday comes around, I get reminded of a Switchfoot song.

It's called Twenty-Four. It was my favorite song on that album when it came out, and I listened to it over and over again.

Back then, I wasn't twenty-four yet, but I was so excited to get there.

Now, I am days away from twenty-eight...and I'm not so excited anymore.

My life definitely has not turned out the way I thought it was going to. My career plans didn't happen, I didn't finish college, and I don't have any babies.

(Me, 20 years ago)

Yet, I couldn't be happier with the way my life is at this moment.

I'm not excited about getting older...because it means it's one more year closer to 30...and another year without a baby.

But I am happy that I have a loving husband (of almost 5 years!!), a place to live, the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, an amazingly supportive family, a job that I love (with the best bosses ever), and a church family that I love like they are my blood.

I may not have everything I've ever wanted...but I have everything I need, and so much more. I have things I never thought I wanted, and that is amazing.

My life is not perfect...I have good days and bad...I am not always content or satisfied...but most of the time, I am happy...and that is much more than I deserve.

Tomorrow starts a fun weekend of celebrating...and I am ready for it. I have so much to celebrate and be thankful for.

Learning

I feel that word defines so much of my year.

Learning...

I continually go back to the subject of my infertility, but it's because I would not be the person I am today without it.

Every year that has gone by (and we are quickly approaching the four year mark), I keep thinking that I've learned all the lessons God wanted to teach me through it...and yet something else happens and my world is turned upside down. This year has been no different.

It has been different in the sense that I've changed and grown and had to let go of a lot of the things I was holding onto so dearly last year. I've learned a lot about family relationships, friendships, ministry, the way a marriage is supposed to be, my relationship with God, and myself. I've had to face some very ugly parts of myself (some I am still facing) and had to accept other things. My heart has changed in ways I never thought possible, and my mind has allowed itself to open up to things that are good for me that I've kept out for too long.

To say this year was a good one for me would be a true statement...but it was also one of the hardest years I've ever had to live. Learning to be content has been a process I've been going through for three years now...and I still don't know that I'm quite there yet...but I am definitely more there than I was this time last year.

I can honestly, without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of pain in my heart, say that I would be perfectly fine with my life if Josh and I never have kids of our own.

Shocking? Maybe to some. But for me? This has been the biggest part of my healing process.

No little girl imagines that her dreams of being a mommy won't come true. No little girl pictures herself struggling with the ability to get pregnant. No little girl thinks her life will ever be full of so much pain and hurt that she cries sad tears when her best friend tells her she's pregnant.

But all those things have been my reality these past few years.

Honestly, the pain has all but disappeared. The longing to experience motherhood is still there, but it's morphed and changed into something not so desperate. I have had many different people tell me that the relationships I have built with high school and college students make me a mom already...and I have really taken that to heart. God put this desire within me to be a mom, but He never said exactly how it was going to look. I've had the joy of being able to experience it in different ways, and I look forward to whatever ways I will be able to experience it in the future.

I look back on old blog posts, old journal entries, old emails to friends...and I honestly don't always recognize that person. She makes my heart sad. She makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her to just trust and truly let go...because it's the key to her happiness.

But this past year has been about so much more than learning to be content with my life the way it is.

I've learned that some friendships really do stand the test of time. I've learned that others only last for a season...and sometimes that season can be really long or really short.

I've learned that putting other people's needs before my own is one of the hardest things to do...but it's also one of the most rewarding.

I've learned that date nights and time spent having real conversations with my husband are truly needed...and are not things to take for granted.

I've learned that time really is short...and we waste way too much of it thinking about petty, stupid things that don't matter one bit.

I've learned that sometimes stepping away from situations for a time can really help you see the value in them...and can help you to remember why you were in them in the first place.

I've learned that I need to speak sometimes instead of remaining quiet.

There are so many things that I can't (and won't) share in this space. Things that are far too personal about myself or about the people that I love. But what I can share is that while this year has been very tough...and I've had to do some major relationship mending and had some serious heart adjustments...it's also been one of the most humbling times I've ever experienced.

Every relationship I'm in needs lots of work...as do all relationships in general...but I've learned so much this year about what is important to me, what needs to be cherished, what needs to be let go of, and what just doesn't matter in the long run.

As we quickly approach Christmas...and I'm already starting to get anxious and sad about it almost being over...I can say with a happy heart that I have really tried much harder this year to take the time to quiet myself before the Lord. I missed days on my advent reading and had to catch up...but my heart has continually longed for my time with Him. It's amazing how much of a difference it has made this year.

So while I am no closer to having it all figured out than I was last year, I definitely feel a little more prepared to tackle next year and the challenges it will bring. I am looking forward to Christmas next week and taking the time out to remember why we even do any sort of celebrating this time of year.

I am content. And that is an amazing feeling.

I Will Wait

Mumford and Sons's new album came out yesterday.

Be still my heart...

I have listened to it a couple of times through now and I really like it. I love the word pictures they paint, with the mixture of their instruments...it's so pure and beautiful to me.

Their songs do something to my soul. Their first CD was on repeat for me for months on end. I simply couldn't get enough. I have a feeling this one might be as well.

One particular song, that I have listened to many times before yesterday, has a lot of personal meaning for me. More so today than it even did yesterday.

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
Bow my head
Keep my heart slow
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
(I Will Wait, Mumford and Sons)

It's my prayer today. In the midst of seeking God's will and in waiting patiently for an answer, this is where I'll be.

Emerging Moth

I've been going through the book Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer for the past two months with some women in my life.

While most of it has not been a totally new revelation or something I'd never heard before, this book just makes so much more sense than everything I have heard before. Priscilla presents it in a way that makes you want to slap yourself on the forehead, but also in a practical way that makes it easier to live out.

Anyway, in this past week's chapter, she shares a story of how there was an emperor moth cocoon that her son had been watching, waiting for the moth to emerge. When the day arrived, they both sat there, watching the moth struggle for quite some time. Her son wanted to help out the moth, but she used it as an opportunity to teach her son the importance of struggling. She tells him, "If it gets out too early, without fighting through, it'll be crippled the rest of its life".

Source

In the light of my personal struggles with infertility, I completely see the importance of the struggle. These past three years have been so up and down with where I've been at in my life...but this past six months have been the best I've had in a long time. Because I've finally struggled my way out of the cocoon I'd built around myself...and I've been able to emerge into the moth I was meant to be...the woman who doesn't allow herself to be held down by a seemingly impossible situation. The woman who fully puts her trust in the Lord and His abilities (at least, in this area. Trust me, I still have plenty of control struggles in other areas of my life).

But, if it weren't for the struggle to get out of that place...if I could have just emerged in a snap of my fingers as a new and beautiful moth...I wouldn't have learned the importance of trusting God and letting go of my own desires and wants.

And, that is just not the way God works. As Priscilla says, "Since our heavenly Father's goal is to help us reach our full spiritual potential as believers in Christ, we too will often be challenged by the things He calls us to do".

So today, I'm choosing to embrace the challenges and struggles God puts in my path. Because while they may be tough at first, the end result is definitely worth it.

I'm linking up at:

An {Update} on the Baby Front

For those that haven't been following my blog very long, I shared my story here, as well as on Casey's blog here, about my issues with infertility (I still cringe a little typing out that word).

It's been a little over three years since I stopped taking birth control...and I still don't have a baby.

And, surprisingly? I'm actually pretty ok with it.

There are still days that I long so badly to be a mother. I mostly get that itch when I'm holding one of my nieces, or see a cute baby at church or in the store. But there are also many days that I don't think about it at all.

And while this scared me quite a bit at first, because I thought I was losing the desire altogether to be a mother, I really don't believe this is the case.

I think I'm just finally learning to be content with where my life is right now.


I've said multiple times in the past couple of years that if we had a baby, we wouldn't be able to do half the stuff that we've done (serving projects, overnight retreats, late night hang outs with our friends, etc.)...but I don't think I really believed that and meant it until now.

I seriously have been taking the time to really evaluate my life and what's important to me...and I've seen the things I've been able to accomplish and do. I would not have been able to do very many of them at all (or at least, not in the same way) if I had a small child right now.

While God knows this is still a very big desire of mine, He also knows what's ultimately best for me.

And, right now, I think that where He has us and what He has us doing is best...better than having a baby (at least until that changes, of course).

As far as the technical side of things, we are not pursuing any kinds of treatments or help or testing of any sort at the moment. We really feel strongly that for now, we will just wait things out and see what happens.

If you would have told me three years ago that in three years from that point, I still wouldn't have a baby, I might have fainted. But, having lived the past three years, I'm really ok with it.

I guess I'm really learning that God truly does know what's best for us. Even when we can't see it for ourselves. Even when we are so blinded by the deep desires and longings of our hearts that we refuse to see anything else...His way is always best.

And, as of right now, I am totally ok with that.

Coffee Chat

It's Tuesday...and time for another coffee date!



If we were having coffee, I would tell you about all the fun things I got to do over the past three days (which, of course, you would already know about if you read my past two blogs already). And, I would tell you how, surprisingly, I am not as tired as I anticipated I would be. Thank You, Jesus!

I would also tell you to read this post. My dear friend Meghan (also known as the bestie) just started blogging...and her first blog is a.maz.ing! It is definitely worth reading...and you should check it out as soon as our coffee date is over!

I would also tell you about how different I feel these days about life. After spending so many hours, days, and months longing to get pregnant, I finally feel at peace about the whole situation. At this point in my life, I really don't care when I get pregnant...because I know that God's will is going to happen no matter what I do or don't do...and I am finally ok with that. I just want my life to glorify Him...and that means every part of my life has to...including my desire to have a child. So, I feel like I've surrendered that desire and it is no longer in the front of my mind anymore. If it happens soon, great. If it happens, three years from now, awesome. No matter when it happens, it will be when God wants it to happen...and that in and of itself is very exciting to me!

That's all I've got for now. I hope you enjoyed our chat...and your coffee.

Linking up with Amy

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Realization

I read this blog this morning.

And, let me tell you, I was in tears.

I don't think I realistically thought about my struggle like this:

Charlotte pointed out that when God takes you "the long way around" in whatever you are praying for it is never because of you. It's always because of other people that God wants to show His glory. It is always about Him and His glory.

And, knowing that could be the purpose behind why I am still not pregnant gives me great comfort. If God wants to use my struggle to touch other people...well, I now consider that an honor. To be used by Him in such a way just blows me away...

He picked me. Imperfect, impatient, has a hard time trusting, me.

I feel so blessed.

I am being used for His glory.

And, it feels so good.

What I Love Wednesday

I'm linking up with lollipops today.
I like this idea a lot of sharing things I'm lovin' for the week.
Here are a few of my favorites:


1. Headband from Ruffles and Fringe.
2. Necklace from roomofyourown.
3. This amazing verse (if it's too small to read, it's Romans 5:3-5). Source
4. These cute note cards from lollipops herself.

What are you lovin' this week?

Wonder

Four hours ago, I would have said I was pretty down in the dumps.
We headed home from church, declining offers to go get dinner (since it's not in the budget to do so for the rest of the month), but pretty bored and trying to figure out what to do. We got home and I sat down on the couch, just feeling icky. Not sick, but bummed icky. I was feeling alone, sad, bored, tired, and hungry all at once. Alone because I know I have a couple of friends who really need to talk right now, but they don't want to...and I can't do anything about it. Sad because my heart aches when I see people hurting. Bored because I spent most of the day at home, not doing anything, and was hoping for a more eventful evening. Tired because...well, I don't know on that one. I got plenty of sleep last night, so I'm not sure why I felt so exhausted. And hungry...well, that's pretty self-explanatory. Anyway, I just wasn't feeling like my usual self.
Josh suggested watching a movie, so I got on my iPod Touch, hit the Redbox app, and looked for something interesting. I stumbled upon The Invention of Lying, which I remembered seeing commercials for last year, but we never saw. I thought it sounded interesting enough, so Josh went and picked it up. Josh made himself some yummy pasta, I ate my leftover sandwich from yesterday's lunch, and we put the movie in the Xbox. It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be, but it was thought provoking enough to keep me interested, and it helped lift my spirits a bit.
After the movie, Josh headed for bed, and I logged onto Blogger to see if any of the other blogs I follow had new posts. And, I got a great treat! One of my favorite blogs that I follow had a new post. The woman (Kelle) who writes the blog is an amazing photographer, she writes so beautifully (I feel like I am sitting in her living room with a cup of coffee in hand, listening to her speak to me), and her story amazes me. Her blog can be found here One of my friends actually blogged about Kelle's blog a few months back, as one of her friends had stumbled upon her blog. I enjoy reading her blog so much, and I know many others would enjoy it as well.
Anyway, reading her blog made me feel completely better. I just love how the pictures she posts and the words she writes just make me feel so much more content in life. Which reminds me...
The sermon at church tonight was on the final commandment: Do not covet. And, one of the verses they used was Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV):

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

This verse has popped up so much in my life lately. We are starting the book of Philippians in the college group, so it first popped out at me from reading through it a couple of weeks ago. I keep being reminded of it whenever someone talks about being content. The sermon tonight just capped it off. I know God wants me to be content with what I have, and obviously it is something I definitely need to work on. So funny how He works that way, huh?