Approval

I was listening to a local radio station in the car on my way home from work today.

The DJ was talking about how social media sites like Facebook and Twitter cause many of us to have this huge desire to be liked or to seek other people's approval. We post statuses, pictures, quotes, and even Scripture verses, hoping to get that notification saying someone liked it or commented on it.

As I sat there listening to him talk, as well as the people who were calling in, I couldn't help but think about how serious of an issue this really can be.

I myself am guilty of this very thing. I used to post status updates all the time or cute pictures I'd taken with my friends. I wanted people to see what I wrote and comment on it. I wanted people to like the pictures I'd taken. I wanted to be liked.

The thing is, this past year, I've really shied away from a lot of that. Not because I don't still have that desire to be liked, but because I've been realizing more and more that not everything I do in life needs to be documented through social media. And, if my only reason for wanting to document it out there is to get someone's approval or make someone to like me better, it's pretty silly in the first place.

I have been learning a lot this year about being true to myself and being real with people. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not or be fake with people. I don't feel like being someone I'm not really benefits anyone in the long run. So with this whole social media thing, if my only reasoning for posting a Scripture verse is to see how many people will read it or like it, instead of posting it because I feel it's important and beneficial for other people, then it's pointless.

In John 12, even after Jesus had performed many miracles and wonders, some of the leaders still didn't want to believe in Him, because they were fearful of what the Pharisees would think.

They loved human praise more than praise from God

(vs. 43)

The thing I'm trying to remember in all of this is that it doesn't really matter what people like or don't like about me. Not everyone will enjoy the same things I do or even think the same way I do. That doesn't matter. The only thing that should matter is how God sees me, and if I'm shining the light of Christ to those around me. I don't want to appear perfect or all put together, because I'm not. I don't want people to think that I have all the answers, because I don't. I want people to see that I try my best to follow Christ the best way I know how, but that I do fail and I do fall. I want people to see me for me, and take it or leave it. I don't want to be so consumed with how someone is going to react to something that I say or do. I want to be able to be myself and not worry about what someone's reaction to that may be.

Paul talks in Galatians 1 about his frustrations with how some people were trying to pervert the Gospel and make it something it was never supposed to be. In the midst of this frustration, he literally says that those who preach a gospel other than the Gospel of Christ should be under God's curse. He then says:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ

(vs. 10)

My hope and prayer for all of us as we get ready to enter into this new year is that we would stop focusing so much on man's approval and only worry about God's. We shouldn't treat social media like we're trying to win a popularity contest. God's opinion is the only one that should matter.

A Belated Christmas Wish

I hope you had a blessed and joyous Christmas.

To read a beautiful post about the hope we can have today, the day after Christmas, click here.

Learning

I feel that word defines so much of my year.

Learning...

I continually go back to the subject of my infertility, but it's because I would not be the person I am today without it.

Every year that has gone by (and we are quickly approaching the four year mark), I keep thinking that I've learned all the lessons God wanted to teach me through it...and yet something else happens and my world is turned upside down. This year has been no different.

It has been different in the sense that I've changed and grown and had to let go of a lot of the things I was holding onto so dearly last year. I've learned a lot about family relationships, friendships, ministry, the way a marriage is supposed to be, my relationship with God, and myself. I've had to face some very ugly parts of myself (some I am still facing) and had to accept other things. My heart has changed in ways I never thought possible, and my mind has allowed itself to open up to things that are good for me that I've kept out for too long.

To say this year was a good one for me would be a true statement...but it was also one of the hardest years I've ever had to live. Learning to be content has been a process I've been going through for three years now...and I still don't know that I'm quite there yet...but I am definitely more there than I was this time last year.

I can honestly, without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of pain in my heart, say that I would be perfectly fine with my life if Josh and I never have kids of our own.

Shocking? Maybe to some. But for me? This has been the biggest part of my healing process.

No little girl imagines that her dreams of being a mommy won't come true. No little girl pictures herself struggling with the ability to get pregnant. No little girl thinks her life will ever be full of so much pain and hurt that she cries sad tears when her best friend tells her she's pregnant.

But all those things have been my reality these past few years.

Honestly, the pain has all but disappeared. The longing to experience motherhood is still there, but it's morphed and changed into something not so desperate. I have had many different people tell me that the relationships I have built with high school and college students make me a mom already...and I have really taken that to heart. God put this desire within me to be a mom, but He never said exactly how it was going to look. I've had the joy of being able to experience it in different ways, and I look forward to whatever ways I will be able to experience it in the future.

I look back on old blog posts, old journal entries, old emails to friends...and I honestly don't always recognize that person. She makes my heart sad. She makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her to just trust and truly let go...because it's the key to her happiness.

But this past year has been about so much more than learning to be content with my life the way it is.

I've learned that some friendships really do stand the test of time. I've learned that others only last for a season...and sometimes that season can be really long or really short.

I've learned that putting other people's needs before my own is one of the hardest things to do...but it's also one of the most rewarding.

I've learned that date nights and time spent having real conversations with my husband are truly needed...and are not things to take for granted.

I've learned that time really is short...and we waste way too much of it thinking about petty, stupid things that don't matter one bit.

I've learned that sometimes stepping away from situations for a time can really help you see the value in them...and can help you to remember why you were in them in the first place.

I've learned that I need to speak sometimes instead of remaining quiet.

There are so many things that I can't (and won't) share in this space. Things that are far too personal about myself or about the people that I love. But what I can share is that while this year has been very tough...and I've had to do some major relationship mending and had some serious heart adjustments...it's also been one of the most humbling times I've ever experienced.

Every relationship I'm in needs lots of work...as do all relationships in general...but I've learned so much this year about what is important to me, what needs to be cherished, what needs to be let go of, and what just doesn't matter in the long run.

As we quickly approach Christmas...and I'm already starting to get anxious and sad about it almost being over...I can say with a happy heart that I have really tried much harder this year to take the time to quiet myself before the Lord. I missed days on my advent reading and had to catch up...but my heart has continually longed for my time with Him. It's amazing how much of a difference it has made this year.

So while I am no closer to having it all figured out than I was last year, I definitely feel a little more prepared to tackle next year and the challenges it will bring. I am looking forward to Christmas next week and taking the time out to remember why we even do any sort of celebrating this time of year.

I am content. And that is an amazing feeling.

Currently

Today, I'm in need of something a little light-hearted (and it's Monday now, so I think we all might need it).

Wearing: Sweaters, scarves, skinny jeans, and boots! Once the cold weather finally hit here, the temperature dropped significantly. So, I've been trying to keep bundled up and warm. This is my favorite time of year for clothes anyway, because I love layering, I love scarves and boots, and I think all my winter-y clothes are much cuter than the rest of my wardrobe.

Reading: The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. It's been a really good read so far. I also started reading some Harry Potter fan fiction by G. Norman Lippert about Harry's son, James. I haven't gotten too far into it, but it's been a fun read. I'm also reading the #shereadstruth Advent plan and it's been SO good.

Planning: All sorts of Christmas fun! I have some gifts to finish making, and a few more to buy. I also want to go driving around to all the houses with the cool Christmas lights soon. We also have some fun family outings coming up.

Looking forward to: Seeing some good movies this month...The Hobbit and Les Miserables.

Listening to: A lot of Christmas music. If my Pandora app is not on Christmas music, it's been on my Katy Perry station. In my car, I mostly listen to our local radio station that plays Christmas music 24/7 starting the weekend after Thanksgiving. I am also still listening to Mumford and Sons' latest quite a bit.

Watching: All sorts of Christmas movies. We have already watched Elf, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the animated one), Muppet Christmas Carol, and Home Alone. We still need to watch The Grinch (Jim Carrey), The Santa Clause movies, A Charlie Brown Christmas, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I also really want to watch The Holiday, While You Were Sleeping, and The Preacher's Wife, as those are some of my other favorite movies that have Christmas scenes.
Most of the shows we watch on primetime are off the air until the new year, so we kind of have a little break from our TV watching for a few weeks. But, we are watching Frasier on Netflix, which has been very amusing.

Realizing: Christmas is only 15 days away! This month really does fly by every year.

(I have seen these Currently posts on a lot of my favorite blogs, but Danielle is the genius behind them)

What are you currently up to?

Freak Out

I started to freak out a little today about Christmas.

I went into work and realized that it was already December 4th! How the heck did that happen?

I was sitting there, eating my lunch, telling my friend how I needed to get my Christmas shopping done this week or I was going to go crazy. I told her all about my cute ideas for the gifts I'm making and all the things I need to get done.

And yet I sit here now, having finished my Advent reading for today, seriously wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen this year.

(Our 2012 ornaments from my in-laws)

I really want to savor every moment this December. I want to really think, each and every day, about why we celebrate and what the purpose of this crazy time of year even is.

I was listening to the radio earlier today and this song by Brandon Heath came on. It's called The Night Before Christmas. And I seriously just sat there in my car and let it wash over me. It explains the reason Jesus came in such a beautiful way.

(We decided to use Josh's ornament as a tree topper, since we don't have one)

I don't know why I freaked out earlier. It really doesn't matter if I give people the perfect present. It really doesn't matter how much time or effort I put into the gifts I'm making. It really doesn't matter if I listen to each of my favorite Christmas songs or watch all my favorite Christmas movies this year. It really doesn't matter that half of my Christmas cards came in with some weird lines printed on them and I have to wait a week for the new ones to come.

(My cute hubby by our tree)

None of it matters if I lose sight of the fact that this time of year is supposed to remind me, in such a powerful way, of what my Savior did for each of us. If my Christmas is not about Jesus, then I don't really get it. If my Christmas is more about driving around to look at pretty lights or trying to come up with a cuter way to decorate my house, I've lost the real magic of this season.

(I am a little obsessed with bokeh)

I'm not expecting perfection...and trying so hard to do Christmas right isn't going to help me stay focused, either. But in the moments that I get too caught up in the other stuff, I hope I will be able to remember that none of that really matters without Him.

November Photo a Day

I know I say this every month, but this year has seriously been a blur. I remember last December and all the fun Christmas-related things we did like they were yesterday...and here we are in December again!

I participated in fatmumslim's Photo a Day Challenge again in November. It really has been a great way for me to look back at the end of each month and remember some of the things I did each day.

Here are my pics:

Top row: 1. Something beginning with 'C' - coffee!! 2. Color 3. Breakfast - I rarely ever eat breakfast, so this (and a grilled cheese) was how I broke my "fast" 4. TV - the hubby and I have been watching Frasier on Netflix

Second row: 5. 5 o'clock - doing the dishes 6. A favorite thing - jewelry! 7. Reflection 8. Something I do everyday - put on my ring

Third row: 9. Small - it smells oh so good! 10. Won't live without - Coke and Chapstick 11. Night - watched this in prep for Friday! 12. Drink

Bottom row: 13. Where I slept 14. Man-made - so thankful our heater is working again! 15. In my bag 16. The view from my {car} window

Top row: 17. {One of} the last things I bought 18. Happened this weekend - vegging on the couch, watching Pretty Little Liars from the beginning on Netflix, trying to rest and beat this cold 19. Something awesome - third Coldbuster in three days {gotta beat this cold} 20. Work/play

Second row: 21. What I wore - sweater (American Eagle from a few years ago), cami (Forever 21), jeans (Artist fit, American Eagle), necklace (Jewel Kade - tell your story), mismatched socks 22. Grateful - for my family 23. Black - how I spent part of Black Friday 24. A sound I heard - my husband putting up the lights

Third row: 25. Sky 26. In the cupboard 27. Tree (not mine) 28. Vehicle

Bottom row: 29. Big - my first Scentsy order came in and it was a big one! (I am now an Independent Scentsy Consultant) 30. On the wall - at work

November was definitely a great month! I am looking forward to December and all that it has to bring.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you are having a blessed day with family and friends, reflecting on what you are most thankful for.

Christmas Reflections

So I just realized today that Christmas is only 35 days away (you're welcome. I know you are probably gonna start stressing a little now)!

I've already been listening to Christmas music on Pandora for the past two weeks (and it's been glorious. iHeart Radio also has a good station called Christmas Lites). I've even done a little of my shopping.

I know Thanksgiving is this week and I have definitely been spending time each day this month reflecting on what I'm most thankful for (check out my daily tweets here or look up the hashtag #30daysofthanks to read what others are thankful for). But, there is nothing like Christmas for me. I spend a lot of time dreaming about Christmas throughout the year...and I've written a lot of blogs about Christmas as well (you can check them out here).

There's just something so magical and wonderful about this time of year.

Last year, I wrote about how I let it slip past me too quickly. I am determined to savor every moment of it this year.

Part of that determination is to keep my focus on what Christmas is all about: Christ coming near to us. I'm gonna be reading through some advent scriptures daily to keep Him first. Starting on December 2nd, I will be tweeting some of my thoughts about the Scriptures with the hashtag #adventreflection. I'd love for you to join me so I can read your thoughts as well!

I found these Scriptures on FOTF's website. You can also purchase an Advent calendar from naptime diaries here (the prints correspond with the shereadstruth Advent reading plan).

Let's really enjoy Christmas this year and the reason why we celebrate it!

Overcoming

I had the opportunity last week to briefly share my story with a woman I had never met before.

I was at a jewelry party my friend was hosting and the consultant asked me why I wanted the particular charm that I purchased.

It's message was simple: tell your story.

I proceeded to explain to her that I have felt God calling me more and more to share my story with others, because I know it needs to be heard. I know I am not the only one who has ever been in this situation...nor will I be the last. But, what has gotten me through time and time again has been the encouragement of knowing that I'm not alone, that there is healing when I open my mouth and speak these words out loud...and that God still has a plan for me.

The first time I told my story on here was quite a while ago. I knew then it needed to be shared. While I was touched by the many emails I received from my post here and from my guest post on Casey's blog, I was more blown away that God used me to speak His words to other women. I am such a wretch most days, so far from the woman I know I should be...and yet my Savior is still able to use me, some way, somehow, to shine His light.

I never thought I would be here, over three and a half years of waiting, and still not have a child to call my own. But I also never could have dreamed I would learn so much, and experience multiple blessings, because of it.

I was drawn to Isaiah 43 tonight. I thought it was fitting for where my heart is (I would encourage you to read the whole chapter, to understand the context better). Here are just a few of the verses that really stood out to me:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing! 

 Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

(Isaiah 43:18-19, NIV)

It's easy in this journey to dwell on the hard stuff, to remember all the painful things, and to wish I could go back to that very first day I stopped taking my pills and tell myself to just trust God. But I can't focus on the past. I can't focus on the things I've done wrong and the things that haven't happened yet. God is doing something new in me...and has been through this whole process. He is refining me and is bringing something beautiful in this wasteland I have lived in. I spent many days in this journey very sad and depressed, longing for a child to hold in my arms. And this whole time, God has been preparing a new and exciting path for me to take...one that I still don't fully understand and can't imagine yet. 

I don't know where your heart is, or what things you are trying to deal with or overcome in your life...but I promise you God still has a plan, He is right there with you, and He is preparing you for something you can't even imagine right now.

October Photo a Day

I can't believe we are already three days into November!

Time is sure flying this year...

Here are my photos from fatmumslim's October Photo a Day Challenge:

Top row: 1. Where I stood - work 2. Lunchtime - part of it anyway 3. This happened today 4. What I read

Second row: 5. Shadow 6. I'm thankful for...lazy afternoons with the hubby 7. Light 8. Angle

Third row: 9. Red - the new cupcake liners I scored at TJMaxx 10. Emotion - this girl stirs up all sorts of emotions in me...mostly love 11. Something close up - just.lovely.things headband 12. On the table - the remnants of a good dinner

Bottom row: 13. Landscape 14. Makes me laugh - Maggie Smith on Downton Abbey 15. Dinnertime - more like what I wished we'd had 16. Something I wrote - grocery list

Top row: 17. Fruit - for smoothies 18. Made me smile today - my shows were actually on 19. Letters 20. 4 o'clock - opening up my LoveClub box!

Second row: 21. Calm - a sick baby and her uncle watching TV 22. In my town 23. The view from here 24. Weather - it was 65 degrees!

Third row: 25. People 26. Listening to - Everybody Loves Raymond 27. Morning 28. Looking back - one of the first pictures I took with my first iPhone

Bottom row: 29. Moon - no filter 30. Clothes 31. Whatever I please - Happy Halloween!

I hope you had a great October! Now it's time for Christmas music, Christmas movies...oh, and of course being thankful (I know Thanksgiving comes first, but once Halloween is over, I get in the Christmas mood big time). I've been posting my daily thanks on Twitter. I've noticed other bloggers are doing the same. You can find the different thankful posts by checking out the hashtags #30daysofthanks or #30daysofthanksgiving. You can find me on Twitter here.

Life Lately

The hubby and I took a little trip this week.

I always enjoy it when we are able to spend time together out of our normal routines.

Here are a few pics from our trip:

(Fisherman's Wharf!)

 (My husband hates Laughing Sal. At least this one wasn't laughing)

 (Playing some of the old arcade games)

 (And you thought we were short before)

 (Lunch at a yummy Irish pub)

 (Apparently dogs need high end clothing)

(Ghiradelli Square)

 (My hubby the pirate - who was kind enough to carry around my purse for a while)

 (AT&T Park - home of the Giants! We didn't go to the game, though. We just wanted to visit the stadium)

 (We had a fun day!)

Some other recent happenings:

We finally decided on our Halloween costumes for this year...and I must admit, I am REALLY excited about them. But, it's a surprise, so you will have to wait until after Halloween to find out what they are.

I have spent more time watching baseball games in the last few weeks than I have in the last couple of years. My team made it to the playoffs, but they are out now. My hubby's favorite team (go Giants!) is in the World Series, so we've been watching a lot of baseball. It's been fun, though. I'm enjoying it.

We have also been spending a lot of time with our precious niece. She is getting so big and is starting to take steps! We got to watch her take four steps this weekend. It was so much fun. She makes both of our hearts very happy.

(Such a happy girl)

 (She loves taking pictures)

I'm also getting really excited for the holidays. We have some fun things planned already. It's gonna be great!

I'm also getting ready to embark on a new adventure that I am really happy about. I will share some more details when it becomes more final.

How has your life been lately?

Just Being Real

I feel the need to be a little real here today.

As this year has had its share of ups and downs, my heart has had some ups and downs, too.

Sometimes I'm really ashamed to think of the things I've said, or the thoughts I've had, or the ways I've reacted in certain situations.

My heart has been a little ugly this year.

In the Bible study I've been doing this fall, we've been learning how to better handle life's disappointments. This past week's chapter was on being meek in the midst of stressful situations.

I, like some of the other women in the group, used to think of meekness as being weak or timid or quiet...almost mouse-like...when in reality, it's more of a humble attitude.

As you probably know, I'm kind of a control freak. I like to have my ducks in a row, and I like to be the one who arranges them. I have a hard time submitting and letting someone else have control. I have an especially hard time letting God have control.

And, one thing I've learned about this control issue of mine is that it's pretty much a pride issue. I want things done my way because "I know best" or "I know how I want it done" or "I will do a better job of it than you will".

I don't like admitting I'm prideful, but there's no other way to say it. You can't sugarcoat this stuff.

So, for someone like me, meekness is a hard thing to walk out. I don't want to be gentle and humble...at least, not all the time. I want to be able to react to situations the way I want to...

I...I...I...

Ugh.

I know that we all have emotions and feelings. I know that as women, it's easy to justify our actions because of the way we feel in certain situations.

But the truth of the matter is, God calls us to a higher standard...and He wants us to be meek in the midst of our situations.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart (the KJV says, for I am meek and lowly in heart), and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

Our perfect example was meek in the midst of every situation He lived through...so why is it so hard for us to be meek?

Because we let our pride get in the way.

I don't know about you, but I don't want my heart to be filled with all this ugliness anymore...

Awake

As I look back on the last three and a half years, I see a lot of different things.

Some good, some bad.

I see the times in my life that I was genuinely happy with my lot and with where God had me...

And I see the times that I seriously wondered if God cared about me at all, because He obviously didn't want me to be happy in life.

A beautiful blogger that I recently discovered just finished sharing her own infertility story on her blog this week.

And, as I read her words, I saw so much of myself in them.

The hurt, the longing, the determination to make it happen when I wanted it to...and then the switch...the brokenness, the crying out to God, the trusting, and the truly letting go.

I have plenty of good days and bad days. This year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

But, one thing has always remained: God is still faithful and He's still trying to get me to stop and listen to Him more.

He spoke loud and clear to me during the message at church this week.

He's been speaking to me a lot through the Bible study I've been doing with a few friends.

He's continuing to speak to me through various conversations I've had with amazing people.

And yet, I still have a hard time listening.

I hear it...boy, do I ever hear it...but I still have a hard time really letting those words sink in.

For so many months, my heart was focused on one thing...and that one thing wasn't my Savior.

Because of that, it's been a hard process trying to train myself to focus back on the One who really matters most.

But I'm still trying.

I'm still seeking Him, and I'm still determined to live my life better for Him...I just know I can't do it without asking for His help and for His strength.

At the women's conference my church had a few weeks back, the speaker kept talking about how we have in us the power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead.

I know that's true...but I definitely don't utilize that power very often. I don't ask for God to move in me with that power very much. I don't ask for that power to change a situation in my life.

But I should.

So, I'm still a mess, a work in progress, a girl who desperately wants to trust Jesus with her whole heart and with her whole life...

I may not be there yet...but I'm working my way toward it...

And, thank God that He hasn't given up on me yet.

The Need for Balance

I have been thinking a lot lately about my heart for this blog and my need for balance.

About a year ago, I sensed major change coming in my life. And it came...and it came...and it came again.

I have been experiencing a lot of change this past year.

Things I never would have expected to happen in my heart have been happening.

And yet, I know there is still that part of me that holds back, that doesn't want to embrace the changes, because I'm too comfortable where I'm at.

I started singing on the worship team at church again, after taking almost a year off. When I first stopped singing, it was kind of nice. My schedule was a lot more free, I didn't feel like I had to be anywhere on Sundays anymore, and I just felt a little relieved, to be honest. I really didn't see myself going back to it. And yet, God called me back. He spoke through a few different people in my life and made it very clear that He wanted me in that role again.

And honestly? It's been a huge blessing.

But, that is only one change I've had to deal with...and that one was pretty painless compared to some of the others.

For someone who has experienced a lot of disappointment and faced the reality that many of my dreams may not turn out the way I hoped, change can be very difficult.

Yet in everything I've been studying, or hearing from other people, or reading about, one thing keeps coming up: life will bring disappointments, I have to make a choice how I'm going to respond to them, and I can't get through them without God's help.

My church hosted a women's conference a few weeks ago. The woman who spoke was a.maz.ing. It was very apparent to me (as well as to every other woman in that room I am sure), that she was speaking God's words that day. Everyone I talked to felt like God was speaking directly to them with the words she was saying. It was that spot on. I honestly had never experienced that in such a powerful way before.

The craziest part? The things she spoke on lined up exactly with what my women's Bible study was going over that week. Taking thoughts captive and not allowing lies and the negative things we tend to believe about ourselves take root. Acknowledging that those thoughts are not of God and learning how to refute them and how to not allow them to creep in so easily. It was so good and so needed.

The part that spoke directly to me was hard to hear, but it made so much sense to me. She made a statement that maybe God is not giving you what you want because you would be satisfied with that and not with Him.

Ouch.

And yet, I know it's true for me. With as many months as it's been since I first longed for a baby, and in spite of all the ways I've grown and all the things I've learned in this process, I know myself...and God knows me, too. I would lose sight of Him. Oh, I would be really happy at first and I would be thanking Him all the time. But how quickly would that fade when that little person came into this world and I had everything that I have been wanting for so long? Would I really need God anymore at that point?

It's really hard for me to type that out, but I'm just being honest. I know my personality and I know I would probably lose sight of God pretty quickly in the midst of all of that. Not that I would completely turn my back and never follow Him again...but He would definitely be a lot lower on the totem pole.

(this picture makes my heart melt)

My heart for this blog for the last few years has been to share my story...all the good, the bad, and the ugly...because maybe God will use my words to speak to one of you. Maybe the things I've gone through or the things I'm still struggling with will encourage you to walk closer to Him and to trust Him more.

That is still my heart.

I've just realized this past year that I need a lot more balance in my life. It's really easy to get caught up in this blog world and lose sight of the people that are right in front of you. I could easily spend hours each day reading blog post after blog post, emailing different bloggers back and forth, and writing post after post after post. And, there is nothing wrong with that...it just doesn't work for me. My husband needs more of my attention, my real life friends need to connect with me and I need to connect with them, my family needs to see my face and hear my voice, and most importantly, I need to spend quality time with my God.

So while I will still be here and I will still share my heart, my encouragement to myself, as well as to all of you, is to spend time with those that are important. I need a hug just like the next girl, and unfortunately, those don't come through the computer screen. I know I can still be a blogger and be a part of those important relationships in my life: it just takes a willingness to make both happen.

And, I promise you...I am willing and ready to do both...and to do them to the best of my ability.

One

My beautiful, precious niece turned a year old last month.

The same little beauty that was born with a bit of a struggle.

Remembering how little she was when she was born, as well as the weeks that followed...I can't believe how big she is now.

For someone who was born at just over 5 lbs. to be wearing 18 month clothes on her first birthday...it brings tears to my eyes.

God kept His hand on her and on my sister-in-law throughout the entire pregnancy and the weeks and months that followed.

And He is still taking care of them today.

It's such a beautiful picture of faithfulness.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day she was able to come home from the hospital and be reunited with her family.

I've just been overwhelmed at the emotions that have come back to the surface regarding this time last year. But overwhelmed in a good way...

God continues to prove how much He loves and cares for us. All I have to do is look at my precious niece and I see the evidence of that.

September Photo a Day

I participated in fatmumslim's photo a day challenge again in September.

Side note: am I the only one who feels like September just started?

Here are the pics I took:

Top row (left to right): 1. Me, now 2. Father 3. Far away - the top of Pike's Peak 4. In my mailbox

Second row: 5. Bright - a bright spot in my day...rain! 6. Every day - yummy fruit snacks I eat every day 7. Natural - not my natural hair color 8. At night - LOST and a yummy drink with the hubby

Third row: 9. Something I do most weekends - either not set an alarm or hit snooze a lot 10. Black + white 11. Hero (not my photo but I love this photo from 9/11) 12. Together - with my girl

Bottom row: 13. Table 14. Favorite - it's a little blurry but this girl was so very excited to find out what her new little sibling was going to be (a boy!) 15. First thing I see 16. Strange - have you seen this video? Gangnam Style by Psy. It's the top song on iTunes and the latest dance craze. Definitely strange... (I took a screenshot of the video)

Top row (left to right): 17. In my fridge 18. Price 19. Underneath - ceiling fan 20. Man-made

Second row: 21. Sometimes - date night! 22. Up 23. Before bedtime - Downton Abbey 24. 3 Things

Third row: 25. Frame - it was their anniversary! 26. Near - to each other 27. Love/hate 28. A good thing

Bottom row: 29. Errand 30. Me, then - six years ago

September was a good month, full of lots of wonderful things. My heart is happy, longing for fall weather, and excited for the holidays!

I Will Wait

Mumford and Sons's new album came out yesterday.

Be still my heart...

I have listened to it a couple of times through now and I really like it. I love the word pictures they paint, with the mixture of their instruments...it's so pure and beautiful to me.

Their songs do something to my soul. Their first CD was on repeat for me for months on end. I simply couldn't get enough. I have a feeling this one might be as well.

One particular song, that I have listened to many times before yesterday, has a lot of personal meaning for me. More so today than it even did yesterday.

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
Bow my head
Keep my heart slow
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
(I Will Wait, Mumford and Sons)

It's my prayer today. In the midst of seeking God's will and in waiting patiently for an answer, this is where I'll be.

Some Honesty

I remember a time last year that I felt I needed to start blogging the way the "big bloggers" were.

I wanted people to enjoy my blog, and I thought that meant I needed to do fashion posts or lots of Pinterest-inspired DIYs for people to want to read my blog.

But I realized in the midst of trying to figure out how to do those things that they weren't for me.

I love reading those posts and looking at the cute outfits fashion bloggers put together...but let's be real...I'm never gonna be that girl...especially considering half of the clothes in my closet I've had for at least five years. I love clothes and I like looking cute just as much as the next girl...but not for anyone else's benefit. I like looking cute because it makes me feel better. So, if I were to do fashion posts (and I honestly don't think I ever would), I think I would get too caught up in what other people thought of my outfits, and I would lose a part of myself.

As crafty as I might be at times, I'm just not a constant DIY-er. I love Pinterest and I love going on there to look for new things to do, or for decoration ideas...but I haven't even done a quarter of the things I've pinned. It's just not something I'm super passionate about...and I think that's ok.

I was reading through this post that Ilene wrote and it resonated deep within me. I started blogging to record some of the things that were going on in my life at the time and some of the things God was teaching me. I wrote because I loved writing and I wanted an outlet to express that love. I started reading blogs of people I didn't know in real life, and I found some that truly inspired me to be a better person. I then started reading all sorts of different blogs, including fashion and crafty blogs.

I love the variety I have in what I read. I love the fact that I was asked to guest post on a blog about my struggle with infertility because I emailed that beautiful blogger and shared a piece of my heart with her. I love the comments and emails I've shared back and forth between many different bloggers. I love the relationships between other bloggers that I've watched develop, between people who wouldn't know each other if it weren't for blogging. I love the encouragement and inspiration I find every day from reading the words that other people write.

I just don't want what everyone else is doing to define what I do.

God gave me a voice, and I need to use that voice the only way I know how...by being me.

So, as much as I love and admire the bloggers who aren't like me, I have to remember that as long as I'm being true to myself, I'm blogging the right way.

Explanation

2012 has been one of the most interesting years of my life.

As I look back on the past couple of years, they've seemed to revolve around some sort of major event.

2010, I was in the midst of being the crazy, desperate, I have to get pregnant soon or else I will blow up woman. Once I realized that was who I had become, and allowed myself to truly open up to the possibility of letting go of my control to God, my whole year changed from then on out. I was seeking His will a whole lot more than I was seeking my own.

2011, I was still having my ups and downs with not being pregnant yet, but God was bringing opportunities my way and allowing me to experience different things in life that caused my whole outlook on that longed for experience to change. I finally had a peace, in the midst of the confusion and hurt, with living in the now and not looking forward to the future so much that I missed out on what was right in front of me.
2011 also brought me two new nieces, and with that, a lot of happiness, sadness, some very scary times, and some tearful praises to God for keeping my family safe. As the first of those two nieces is soon to be a year old, I've been reminded of God's faithfulness and protection in the midst of that time. He definitely makes strength from fear.

2012...well, I'm still figuring that one out.

As some of you may have noticed, my blog posts have dropped off significantly this year. Every time I would sit down to write something, no words would come. That's why my postings have been very limited, because when something would come to mind, I would write it down quickly and post it as fast as I could. I just haven't been experiencing that very often these days. It was making me sad for awhile, until I really started to reflect a little on this year.

This year has forced me to really examine myself, and try to figure out who I really am. It seems weird to be in the later months of 27 and still not have it all figured out...but it's where I'm at. I've tried to figure out where my passions really lie and what sorts of things I'm really good at, to try and see what it is that God would have me do long term in life...or if there even is anything long term I'm supposed to be doing.

While I definitely do not have all of the answers, I have learned a few things about myself this year.

Yet, I don't feel the need to share many of those things in this space.

What I do feel comfortable sharing is this:

I know I am called to work with women (not a specific age group, but women in general. In the past few years, I've lead or been involved in groups with teenage girls, college-aged women, and women who were relatively the same age that I am). That is one thing that has continually come up in the midst of all of my prayers, and in different conversations I've had with people. It's pretty safe to say that God is calling you to something when you aren't the only one who sees it. Many different people have told me this very thing. While I'm still figuring out what it all means and how it all will look long term, I am seizing the opportunities that have been put in front of me, and am pursuing some really amazing things at the moment.

I also feel that my heart has changed a lot this year. God has really been stretching me and growing me in ways I honestly never thought possible before. Even the fact that I am more open and ready for change is a huge thing for me. I was always a bit freaked out by it before.

But, the one thing that has held me together in the midst of all the chaos and confusion has been the fact that I know God has an amazing plan for my life, and the fact that I have a wonderful support system of friends and family who truly care about me. And, I definitely wouldn't have it any other way.

So, my apologies go out for not being more diligent in this space. I know God has used it for many different purposes, and He has used my words in situations that I have no idea about. My hope and prayer is that I will find my voice again for this space, and that it will become an encouraging place again for those who visit it.

May you find rest in God and His promises this week.

Photo a Day in August

I participated in fatmumslim's Photo a Day challenge again this past month.

I honestly can't believe I've been able to keep up with something like this for four months!

 1. Outside 2. One - sparkly little shoe 3. Coin 4. Somewhere I sat

5. Logo 6. Writing 7. 8'clock 8. Glasses

9. Messy - the messy part of my desk 10. Ring - my pretty Silpada ring with a little justlove.ly love 11. Purple 12. Spoon

13. Simple - the life of a baby 14. Arrow 15. Ready (almost) 16. Food

17. Faces - the many faces of my niece. She's getting so big! 18. Inside - get inside my belly! 19. Hole 20. Today - working on a little project

21. Cool - I wish I was somewhere this cool 22. Home 23. Pair - beta fish 24. Path

25. Fresh 26. Dream - that little beauty on the left being here is a dream come true for so many 27. Tap - water 28. Clock

29. Down - the countdown is on! 30. Card - my hubby gave me the $20 Starbucks card someone else gave to him. I am a lucky wife! 31. Hidden

August was a fun month, but it sure flew by! I am definitely ready for fall!

Refresh

I was reading in Proverbs the other night.

I stumbled upon this verse and it really stuck out to me:

A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.
(Proverbs 11:25, NIV)

I looked up the word refresh on studylight because I wanted to know what the word meant when it was written.

It can either mean to bring back, to restore, or to turn back to God.

It made me think of many of the conversations I've had lately with different people in my life...people who, like myself, have needed a little refreshing recently.

(Be still my heart. Love this pic of my niece)

It makes me want to be the kind of person that refreshes others.

As I've experienced a lot of changes in my life in this past year, one thing has remained: my need to focus more on my Savior and on those He's put in my path.

(My oldest niece. I was so happy to see her last week. I missed her a lot)

Because I've experienced the refreshing that comes from helping to restore someone else, I know how important of a part of my life it should be.

(My sister and her niece. I love watching her interact with this little beauty)

My hope and prayer is that my actions, as well as my words, will be refreshing to those around me.

You're Not Alone

I had coffee with a good friend today.

It's amazing how refreshing it can be to sit with someone and be honest with where you're at and what you've been dealing with...and to hear them say they've been there as well.

It constantly amazes me how God uses the body of Christ to encourage one another and lift each other up.

I feel so blessed to have some people in my life that really care about me and what's going on in my heart...and who want me to be a better person.

I write a lot on this blog about my friendships and how much they mean to me. While people change and relationships evolve with time and life situations, it's the friends that stick around for the long haul that truly are a huge blessing. I love watching the way things can change over the years...and yet that bond somehow always remains intact...even if it may be slightly different than it was to begin with.

My heart has been longing for some good ol' honesty lately...and today was just what I needed.

(pics taken on a short trip a couple of weekends ago)

I think that is why I have such a passion to help other women...because I know that all of us, whether we realize it or not, crave that gut level honesty in our friendships. We just want someone to know us...and not just on a surface level. It's easy to ask someone how they are doing in passing...but much harder to really take the time to find out how they are really doing. We are all guilty of it, but it needs to stop. We need to care more about each other and what's going on in each other's lives. It can't stop at the surface.

My hope and prayer is that all of us will find someone (or someones) we can confide in that will fill this need in our lives.

Dreamin'...

It's over 100 degrees here today (as it has been most days this past week)...and all I can think about is fall.

Pumpkin spice lattes...

 (via Pinterest, pinned by Molly)

Cute boots...

Scarves...

Browns, oranges, and greens...

Leaves falling and cool breezes blowing...

Pumpkins, acorns, and pinecones...

 (via Pinterest, pinned by Ashley)

Halloween and Thanksgiving...

Please, oh please, can it be that time already?!?

(to see more of my fall loves, check out my Fall board on Pinterest)

The Good Life

As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, we went to visit our sweet friends in Colorado last month.

It's amazing to me that we've been there three times now and we still haven't seen all there is to see around where they live! It's gorgeous there, and I feel like every time we leave, a little piece of my heart stays behind.

Side note: I'm listening to my Young the Giant station on Pandora while I'm writing this. I love it. You should check it out sometime.

The first day we were there, we walked around downtown and went to a museum. I always find it fascinating to learn about the history of an area and to look at old pictures of what things used to look like.

(All taken inside the museum)

Our second day was mostly spent relaxing and hanging out with their kiddos. They had their second child since the last time we'd been there and he's adorable. This was only our second time spending time with him. He's such a happy kid.

 (Phin)

Our third day there, we went to a really cute soda shop called Squeak. They have a whole bunch of different flavors of soda. They encourage you to smell the different flavors before you pick one, and you get to pick the color of your soda as well if you want. They had so many amazing different options, but I knew what I was going to get as soon as I saw the name.

 (The flavor bottles of the sodas, my husband sniffing one, and part of the list of the different flavors they offer)

 (With our yummy sodas)

(My Butterbeer soda. Just the way I pictured it would taste after reading all those Harry Potter books)

(The boys)

We spent our fourth day driving to a few different places. We stopped a couple of times to walk around and explore.

Em and I also went out dancing that night with a friend of hers and had a blast.

Our last day there, we drove up to the top of Pike's Peak. It was so beautiful and peaceful up there. It started to rain while we were outside and we had to run inside very quickly. It was cold up there, so the rain was coming down in ice chunks.

 (The view from the top of Pike's Peak)

(This little guy kept peeking up at us while we were taking our pictures)

 (Em and I on top of Pike's Peak!)

 (The hubby and I)

(All of us, taken with Emily's camera)

(Playing down by the water on the way down the mountain)

We then headed to downtown Denver to eat dinner and walk around. It reminded me a little bit of San Francisco.

(The capitol building in Denver)

Some of the other things we did while we were there (that aren't pictured):

We ate at Which Wich, Chipotle, Chik Fil A, Old Chicago, Cy's Drive In, Jimmy John's, Pita Pit, and Smash Burger.

We went to their Bible study with their friends that they have each week. They are going through a book on marriage and it sounded amazing from what everyone else was saying during the discussion. Josh and I fell in love with the format of their study, the honesty of everyone in the group, and the fact that everyone was very real with who they are. It was very refreshing for both of us.

We saw the Dark Knight Rises. While my heart still breaks for those involved in that horrific shooting not far from where we were, it was a good movie and I really enjoyed it.

We also had some great conversations with our friends. We always have amazing conversations with them and it always makes me wish we saw them more often. They challenge us, encourage us, and get us. We feel completely comfortable with them, and I'm pretty sure they feel pretty comfortable with us as well.

We were sad to leave, but so grateful that we were able to make it out there again. I'm already looking forward to our next trip...whenever it may be.