Shifting

I feel like my heart toward blogging is shifting again.

I have had one of the toughest, most emotional years of my life...and it's kept me very closed off. There are many things I don't feel like I can share with the outside world...and yet so many things I wish I could.

I love blogging about what's on my heart and what I'm learning and struggling with, in the hopes that it will help someone else who may need to hear my words. But I also know that some things are just too much or too personal and can't be shared, in spite of what benefit they might have to someone reading them.

Because of this, my blogging has become more sparse...and most of the topics I do choose to write about have become very light and happy.

It has been good...going through this journey and changing and molding and adapting. I don't want to lose my love of writing and sharing my heart...but I also want to be sensitive and mindful of what I'm sharing.

Because I've pulled away so much, I've lost many of the connections I had with other bloggers. I would email other bloggers quite often and comment on their blogs. There were many bloggers I wanted to meet in person and have coffee with someday. I wanted to go to a couple of different blogger conferences, but was never able to afford the cost of getting there. And I've stopped doing many of the weekly link ups I used to enjoy so much.

Sometimes it stings a little to know that I've lost some of these connections, because there are some truly amazing female bloggers out there with incredible hearts. But one thing I noticed about myself when I was constantly trying to connect with these women was that I was disconnecting myself from the real world. I wasn't connecting with the women that were right in front of my face, in my daily life.

So even though it hurts a little to know that I've probably missed out on some amazing opportunities and conversations, I'm very thankful that I identified this problem. I have a hard enough time connecting with the women in my life right now, let alone women I don't even know in person. I need to focus on what's in front of me instead of on what could have been.

Ain't that the story of every area of my life...

With all that said, I really do want to make blogging a bigger part of my life. I spend far too much time wishing I was better at it instead of doing something about it. Like I do with many areas of my life. So, it's time to make a change.

I am excited to share my fall and Christmas inspirations, the pictures of our latest fun trip and all the fun stuff we have planned through the end of the year, and the things on my heart that I feel comfortable sharing.

A new season is quickly approaching (even though the weather would suggest otherwise) and it's time for a new season to begin for me in blogging.

Words

Sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings.

I think it stems from being really shy and quiet when I was in jr. high and high school. I also didn't have a lot of friends in jr. high, so I think I just had a harder time really learning how to say what I wanted to say. At least, out loud.

I have no problem writing my thoughts out...which is part of the reason why I kept a journal for so many years...a habit I really do wish I still had.

I often find myself having a conversation with someone and I'm listening to every word they are saying. Their heart is hurting, they don't know what to do, and they just feel broken. Oftentimes, I nod and acknowledge what they're saying...but I don't always say a lot in return. It's not that I don't want to. It's not that I don't think I should say something. It's often because I don't know how to get the words in my heart out of my mouth.

I don't know why God gave me a better grasp on words when they're flowing out of my hands instead of my mouth, but I am thankful that I am able to express myself in this way. I truly feel refreshed and renewed when I'm able to get my thoughts out on paper or on screen (or even in text or email form).

My parents had these plaques made for my sister and I when we were quite young with our names, their "meanings", and a Scripture verse to go with them. Though the real meaning of my first name is very hard to define, this plaque said my name means "Bold One". The verse under it is found in Psalm 89:1:

I will sing of the LORD's great love forever;

with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.

(NIV)

I often used to look at that plaque hanging in my room and wonder if I really would be that bold someday. Would I be able to proclaim God's faithfulness to all generations?

My parents always believed I would be heavily involved in music someday. Someone prophesied over me as a young child that my calling in life would be in music.

I have definitely dabbled in different instruments over the years. I really wish now that I would have kept up with them more, because I really can't play any instrument very well. But one thing I've always loved doing is singing.

In the beginning of that verse, it says "I will sing". It's easy to skip over that part and think that the only way to be bold and proclaim God's faithfulness is to speak words. But, the verse says I will sing of God's love forever and with my mouth I will make His faithfulness known.

I may not always speak the words I want my heart to convey in certain situations, but one thing I can always do is sing. And while I never would have thought that being bold would be expressed through singing, I definitely believe it can be.

I know I will continue to wish that I had better words to speak in moments when I really want to speak something profound that will help someone...but maybe I've just spent too much time focusing on what I can't do instead of focusing on what I can do.

The church is supposed to function as a body would. Each person plays their part in making the body whole. Maybe I'm not the voice, but maybe I'm the throat or the tongue. And you can't very well have a voice without a throat or a tongue.

I may not be eloquent with my words, but I can still praise and glorify God with my mouth. And that in and of itself is a huge and wonderful blessing.

Some Honesty

I remember a time last year that I felt I needed to start blogging the way the "big bloggers" were.

I wanted people to enjoy my blog, and I thought that meant I needed to do fashion posts or lots of Pinterest-inspired DIYs for people to want to read my blog.

But I realized in the midst of trying to figure out how to do those things that they weren't for me.

I love reading those posts and looking at the cute outfits fashion bloggers put together...but let's be real...I'm never gonna be that girl...especially considering half of the clothes in my closet I've had for at least five years. I love clothes and I like looking cute just as much as the next girl...but not for anyone else's benefit. I like looking cute because it makes me feel better. So, if I were to do fashion posts (and I honestly don't think I ever would), I think I would get too caught up in what other people thought of my outfits, and I would lose a part of myself.

As crafty as I might be at times, I'm just not a constant DIY-er. I love Pinterest and I love going on there to look for new things to do, or for decoration ideas...but I haven't even done a quarter of the things I've pinned. It's just not something I'm super passionate about...and I think that's ok.

I was reading through this post that Ilene wrote and it resonated deep within me. I started blogging to record some of the things that were going on in my life at the time and some of the things God was teaching me. I wrote because I loved writing and I wanted an outlet to express that love. I started reading blogs of people I didn't know in real life, and I found some that truly inspired me to be a better person. I then started reading all sorts of different blogs, including fashion and crafty blogs.

I love the variety I have in what I read. I love the fact that I was asked to guest post on a blog about my struggle with infertility because I emailed that beautiful blogger and shared a piece of my heart with her. I love the comments and emails I've shared back and forth between many different bloggers. I love the relationships between other bloggers that I've watched develop, between people who wouldn't know each other if it weren't for blogging. I love the encouragement and inspiration I find every day from reading the words that other people write.

I just don't want what everyone else is doing to define what I do.

God gave me a voice, and I need to use that voice the only way I know how...by being me.

So, as much as I love and admire the bloggers who aren't like me, I have to remember that as long as I'm being true to myself, I'm blogging the right way.

Followers

I check the stats on my blog every now and then.
I think it's interesting to see what posts people read...or don't read...and how often they read them. It's amazing to me that my The Year of Babies post has had 70 hits! And, My Story has had 43! It's humbling to think that people actually take the time to read the words I type...and are maybe even sharing them with other people.
I have never felt like I communicate really well physically talking to people. I have been told over the years that isn't true, but I really feel like the best way I communicate and get my thoughts out is by writing them (or typing them, in this case). I started writing in a diary in 3rd grade and continued to write down my thoughts on a regular basis until I was in my early 20's. I pretty much stopped doing so when I got engaged and had to plan a wedding. It's crazy, though...I seriously have at least 15 filled up journals tucked away in my hope chest. I laugh when I look through them...especially that first diary I had. I wrote down the silliest stuff.
Anyway, to get back on my previous thought...I really feel like this is one place that I can write my honest thoughts down and let them be read by whoever feels led to read them. Some people may not agree with my choices...or my opinions...but this is me. I am not perfect, I don't have everything figured out, I still struggle with trusting God...but I try my best to be the wife and leader God has called me to be. I want to write honestly about my experiences, but I also want to be able to help others who may be struggling with the same thing. I don't want to write "woe is me" posts and not try to come up with solutions on how to make things different. I want this to be a place of healing for me...as well as for those who read this blog.
With that said, I would love to see more comments from those who read this blog. Whether you "follow" my blog publicly or privately...or whether you happen to stumble upon it every now and then...leave a comment. Ask me a question about why I wrote something the way I did...or why I feel a certain way...or how I deal with certain things I'm going through. Leave your opinions or thoughts. Say hi. I just get curious sometimes to see who's reading my blog when I see that some of my posts have had a lot of hits. It's a weird feeling to write something on the internet...and have no clue who may possibly read it. So, leave me a comment...or send me an e-mail, if you'd rather be more anonymous.
And, if you're looking for other blogs to "follow", let me know, and I will recommend a few. I have been branching out more and trying to find other people's thoughts to read. I have found some that have inspired me, challenged me, and broken my heart. It's amazing to find other people out there who have dealt with heartache and loss...and yet, God still does amazing things in and through them.


Kind of a random blog post for me...but I truly do get curious about who's reading...so let me know!

New Inspiration

I feel like 2010 has been a blur...
It's almost three full months in and I feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy any of it yet...
Not to say that I haven't had happy moments, or happy days even, but I feel like I haven't truly allowed myself to experience 2010 yet.
I had all these expectations for what I thought 2010 was going to bring me. Beautiful, wonderful things. More time with friends and family and my husband. More opportunities to grow and learn from those around me. More time to just rest in God and know that He has my life under control. And yet, I don't feel like I've really done any of those things...or at least, done them well...
I got an e-mail from a very dear friend yesterday. I have been sharing with her some of the things in my life that have been burdening me the past couple of months...and every time I sent her an e-mail, she would send one back with a little advice...but always pointing me back towards God and letting me know she was praying for me. I greatly appreciated everything she was saying and doing for me, but I wasn't really listening to her advice. But then, I got yesterday's e-mail and all of that changed...
This friend has known me for many years. We have gone through so many things together...and watched the other go through things we couldn't experience together. We have shared so much with each other and yet, I know there are many things we haven't shared. But, in spite of it all, she has remained one of the best friends I have and will ever have...because she is always honest with me. I think sometimes she is afraid of offending me and doesn't tell me how she really feels right away...but in the end, it always comes out. This e-mail was definitely one of those honest moments.
As I read the words she was writing me, I felt like a light bulb clicked on in my head. I felt like, suddenly, things were starting to make sense.
It wasn't as if she wrote me things I'd never heard before. It wasn't like this sudden unknown truth came out of her mouth. It was definitely stuff I had heard, many times before, but suddenly everything made sense.
I have been a very unhappy, obsessive, controlling person for quite some time now. It's not very obvious to those around me, because I keep it hidden well underneath the surface. But, whenever I was alone with my thoughts, I was constantly thinking of ways to control my life, to change it, to make it the way I wanted it to be...and when I wanted it to be. I could think of nothing else. Day and night, it was all I could do to not think about it. And, she saw this...in all the e-mails I'd written her, thinking I was being clever and not making my obsession obvious...she, being one of my greatest friends, saw right through me. She called my bluff. She told me it was time for a change...and she was right.
I can't even begin to describe the impact her e-mail had on me yesterday. It was all I could think about. And yet, not in an obsessive, controlling, "oh now I have to do this and this and this to make things right" sort of a way. I just seriously pondered it...
I love how amazing God is. I love the mysterious ways He works in our lives. I love the fact that He uses those around us, those who love and care for us and know us better than almost anyone else, to shake us and move us. I love that He constantly speaks to us, even when we refuse to listen. I love that He desires so much for us to let go of the reins of our lives and let Him have control, because His way is truly the best way.
And so, when I had a free hour to myself today, I decided it was time to make some good changes in my life. Not to control everything and make my life this perfect image for others to see, but to truly understand what it means, and how it feels, to fall in love with my Savior again.
I looked up the word refuge on Biblegateway.com, to see how many times it's used in the Bible. God spoke to me at a women's worship night a few months back to "Take refuge in Me"(Him). I found so many great verses about taking refuge in God. And, that is what I plan to do from here on out. I know He has my BEST interests at heart...and I know He has wonderful plans for my life...and I know that I don't need to have all the answers and have control of everything for those things to happen...because He does...and that is enough...FINALLY, that is enough!
One of the things that really stuck out to me that my friend said in her e-mail was that maybe I should start writing again. Even though I do blog occasionally, I knew that is not what she was referring to. My life used to revolve around writing. I wrote letters to many pen-pals and friends all growing up. I wrote short (and long) fiction stories that I thought I would one day have published. I wrote hundreds of poems...some to God, some to friends, some about things I was experiencing in life, and some about things that I was passionate about. I wrote in a journal almost every day for a good 10 years straight. I have so many filled up journals put away, with pages full of old memories...good and bad. When we got the internet, I wrote tons of e-mails. I had a group of friends that wrote daily devotions and sent them out to whoever wanted to read them. Everyone took a different day and wrote a devotion to encourage everyone else. I wrote and wrote and wrote...about so many different things. I even wrote prayers out to God. The point is, writing was a huge part of my life. Not a day went by without me writing one of those things I mentioned above, if not more then one of them. And yet, there came a day when the writing ceased...I can't pinpoint exactly what day that was, but it has been some time. So long, in fact, that I don't even know that I could just sit down and write a poem off the top of my head anymore. Such a crazy thing to think about...especially because my goal was to write a poetry book someday with all of my poems in it. I had even started categorizing them.
All that to say, I thought all day yesterday and today about writing. About how good it used to make me feel. About how my whole day could have been horrible...and yet, writing in my journal or writing a poem down on a fresh piece of paper would make everything seem ok again somehow. And I realized something...
I miss it...I miss it more than I even realized...I knew I had a hole in my life from not truly devoting enough time to God...but I also had a hole in my life from not writing. Writing is the reason I wanted to get an English degree. Writing has been the core of my life since I was in 3rd grade and started filling the pages in my Lion King diary. And yet...I let it all slip away... But no longer...
I started a new project late last night. A dear couple bought Josh and I the coolest wedding gifts. They are these books that you write all these things about yourself in...childhood nicknames, favorite vacation spots growing up, what Sundays were like in your house...and you pass them on to your children. It's like leaving a legacy of your life for your children to read and cherish throughout their lives. These books have been sitting on our bookshelf since we got married, collecting dust. They have only moved as we have moved. So, last night, as I had this huge desire to write, I found my book and started writing in it. It has a page for every day, in which you answer a different question about your life. It is my goal to write a couple of days worth every day until it is finished. I feel it is so important to leave this legacy of my life, even though I screw up and fall so short so many times, for my future children. I want them to know that their mom doesn't have all the answers...but that she has had an amazing journey in this thing we call life...even though it's hard at times, it's still worth it.
I have also started journaling again. While I love blogging, there are just some things I cannot, and will not, post on the internet for the whole world (or even my friends and family) to see. It is so refreshing to pick up a pen and just write down my thoughts.
As this is probably my longest blog thus far, I just want to close with this...
I think many times in life, we feel we are making the best decisions for ourselves. We feel that nothing else could be better than doing things the way we feel is right. But sometimes, many times, we are leaving God out of the equation. We think we can handle things on our own and do things our way, because we know what we need. But the truth is, God is the only one we need. He has all the answers. He wants control of our lives. He wants us to trust Him and to learn to rest in Him. He wants to offer us refuge.

As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. -Psalm 18:30 (NIV)

Find that refuge, my friends.