Moving Forward

We are already over halfway into January 2019.

It's crazy writing that out that way.

I'm still in shock that 2018 is over and we're almost a month into 2019 already.

2018 ended with me feeling a little scattered and like some things were half finished. I got to do just about everything I wanted to experience around Christmastime and we got to spend a lot of time with loved ones in December, but then I got sick. I think that's why things felt the way they did. I wanted so badly to take that time after Christmas to start organizing my house and my life and get into a better routine. But instead I spent 4 days on the couch, trying to rest so my cold didn't turn into anything worse.

I'm not saying that the resting was bad or that I should have been doing more, but I often beat myself up a little if I rest too much and don't get enough done. Or at least, enough by my own standards.

I didn't get to plan out my goals for 2019 like I wanted to. I didn't get to sit down and really think on 2018 like I wanted to.

And yet, life moves forward. And so do I.

As I type this, it sounds so silly and so petty. Not being able to spend time reflecting and dreaming. But in the moment, it felt like such a big deal.

If you know anything about the enneagram, I'm a 9. Part of being a 9 means that I often stuff my feelings down to keep the peace or because I don't want to deal with the pain or whatever other emotion it brings up. We 9's don't like to rock the boat.

So my being frustrated about not being able to do those things was actually a sign to me of trying to work through my struggles. I shared a little bit in this space about some of the things I've been learning about myself in the past 6ish months. One thing I'm trying to do more of is allowing myself to feel things.

For instance, I re-watched Gilmore Girls for like the 6th or 8th or 10th time (I've seen it a lot). And I re-watched A Year in the Life for the third time (maybe the 4th?). Watching the final episode, I could feel that ball in my throat getting harder and harder as my eyes welled up with tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to fully cry. But I took some deep breaths as I watched the show and I let them come. And that ball in my throat got lighter and lighter. I probably cried for about 10 minutes. And it felt good.

I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to really feel things. I think feeling it, living in it for as long as it takes, is essential for me. I don't want to keep bottling everything up inside. So even things that seem insignificant or petty (like not being able to spend time reflecting on 2018) need to be felt and worked through.

So as we move into 2019, I'm determined to keep working on giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel. The word I chose for 2019 was Rise. I'm ready to rise up, to rise above, to raise my head and feel. And I want to help those around me to do the same.



*****


For the past 10 years, I've made a point to make a collage of some of my favorite pictures and memories of the year before. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse into 2018. I'm excited to see where 2019 takes me!

2018 So Far

I never got on here to share about my goals for myself for this year.

Honestly, I was feeling so overwhelmed in the beginning of year with life that I didn't really want to take time to assess goals.

Balancing life and letting go of fears are constants on my list every year. Because I'm still learning how those two things work. Also, if you didn't read my last blog post, I talked about how my pain has played into every part of my life. And that is something else I'm working on.

I'm still striving to look more like Jesus, and as I've mentioned before, that will always be an ongoing thing.

I picked a word for this year, something I haven't done very often. I usually look back at the year and see what word stuck out to me. But this year, I picked the word Shine. These are the reasons why:

1. I want to Shine in all I do. I want to be a light and a bright spot in the lives of those around me and in those I come in contact with. I want to Shine in my day-to-day and in my work.

2. I want to help others to Shine. I want to be an encourager to those around me to Shine in all they do in life. I want to help spur others on to achieve their goals and dreams.

I wrote those words out in my Color Street group on December 29th. Almost 9 months later, it makes me a little teary-eyed thinking about how this has already happened in many ways.

I don't talk very often about my Color Street business to those in my life (unless they are a part of this business). I don't mean I don't talk about the product (because I do), but I don't talk about the business side of it. I'm not the type of person that wants to bug anyone or turn anyone off. I don't want to come across as spammy. So I refrain from sharing things often because I don't want to annoy anyone.

But I'm going to share a little now. Because I've seen that second point happen quite often this year.

As I mentioned above, I wrote those words on December 29th in my group. That very day, I had my very first person join my Color Street team. My team continued to grow each month and is now 24 strong (at the time of publishing)!

I take my responsibility as a leader very seriously. I have always believed wholeheartedly in leading by example and in being the biggest cheerleader for anyone I'm leading. This is the first time I've been in this type of leadership position. It is definitely challenging at times, but the rewards far outweigh the challenges.

I have literally watched girls on my team achieve huge goals and dreams in their lives. I have celebrated their achievements in Color Street, but also their achievements outside of Color Street. I have mourned with them, I have cried with them and I have cheered them on from the front row. I have watched them Shine.

A lot of hard things happened this year. A lot of really beautiful things happened this year. And a lot of in-between things happened this year.

But I am still striving for my goals for this year. I'm still striving to Shine in all I do. I'm still learning to be a better version of me. I'm still learning how to balance life and let go of fears.

I've cried many tears. I've laughed a lot. I've squealed with delight. I've felt tired and worn out.

But I keep going. I keep moving forward, I keep striving and I keep loving on those around me.

That is how my 2018 has been so far.

07.16

July is over and we are getting closer to fall! This summer hasn't been too bad weather-wise, minus some recent 100+ degree days, but I'm such a fan of wearing jeans and boots, so fall sounds amazing right about now.

Here are a few highlights of our month:

We went to a really fun 4th of July party with some of our good friends. We ate so much yummy food, had fun drinks, played Quiplash and lit some fireworks in the street (the legal kind). It was a great evening!

Our nephew celebrated his second birthday and the family had a birthday party for him. Josh's parents hired our friend to take family pictures of us as well, which was really nice because we haven't had a professional family picture since Josh's youngest brother got married seven years ago! It was a fun day.

Josh planned a surprise date day for us! We went to the Walt Disney Family Museum and he took me out to dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant. We spent quite a few hours at the museum and soaked everything in. It was awesome and I highly recommend it for any diehard Disney fans!

This was my favorite part of the museum! They have this scale model of Walt's Disneyland (so every attraction that existed or he was directly working on when he died). It's incredible. I could have starred at it for hours. The details are fabulous.

Some other things that happened this month:

My appointments are still going really great! I've had some major breakthroughs in my body and I'm so excited to see and feel the changes! It's been such a long, at times really hard process, but it's been so worth it. I've also been doing some Just Dance for exercise, which has been great for me! I feel so much more energetic throughout the day, even just from a 30 min session. I also started another great exercise regimen this month (August) that is also going to be really helpful for my body, so I'm really excited about that! More on that later.

I have been really bad at reading lately. I started a book about a month and a half ago and have only made it through a few chapters. BUT...I did purchase The Cursed Child script (the 8th Harry Potter story, for those that haven't heard) on Harry Potter's birthday (July 31st), so more on that in August's post!

We've also spent a lot of time with family and friends in July. Our nieces were all together for almost two weeks and it was so fun to see them interacting with each other. We had a great time with them! We saw quite a bit of both of our families, which was really great. Josh has also been studying as much as he can for the certifications he needs for work, as well as continuing to help out in jr. high at church. Our time together has been pretty limited these days, but someday things will settle down again.

Onto August!

Naivete

I feel like I spent a good portion of my life being pretty naive about things in life in general.

If you would have asked me even 10 years ago if my life would look the way it does right now, with the people in it, I would have said you were crazy.

I don't think I was stupid. I don't think I expected life to be perfect (well, maybe I did a little bit). But I don't know that I was aware of how much bigger the world really was compared to what I had known of it.

I know I'm being kind of vague, but I guess the point of this post is to express how much differently I view the world as a 31 year old than I did as a 21 year old. Having gone through some incredibly hard things myself in the past 10 years, as well as walking through some really hard stuff with friends and family, I just feel a lot differently about life.

My faith has had its ups and downs, but I know God has never left me. I may have doubted Him at times, but He's always been there. I may not understand everything or know how some of these hard things fit into His plan, but I know He's still in control. And I know I would say those same things 10 years ago, but I had no idea back then just how hard life could be.

I often think of the people in my life. The people that have stuck by me, the ones that I grow closer to each and every day, and the ones that have drifted away. I've said in the past that there are seasons for every relationship and I still believe that...to an extent. I think that sometimes it's easy to use that phrase when we want to walk away from a friendship or things aren't going the way we want in a relationship, so we chalk it up to being a "season". But I think sometimes the best friendships, the ones that really matter to us, take really hard work. It's not always easy to be there for people who don't seem to want to be there for us. It's not always easy to have long distance friendships with people. It's not always pleasant to have real and honest conversations with people about the way they treat us. It's not always easy to make time for people. But if we really care, if we're really invested and want the relationship to last, we have to put in the hard work.

This transition our church has been in for the past three + years has been one of the hardest things I've ever endured in a church. I can't tell you how many times I've been ready to throw in the towel and move on. But I know that's me talking. Sometimes life is hard and we just have to endure some hard things before they get better, or before it really is time to move on. I know that right now, I'm supposed to be involved with women, and that is what I'm pursuing. I've taken some steps in that direction and I'm excited to see what God does with it. It will not always be easy, but I keep reminding myself that the church is the people. Not just a few people, but all of them. And every single one of them needs encouragement and love and support.

I have a tendency to be really negative and focus on the bad stuff in life. I try hard not to, because I know there are so many good things. And if I look back on the last 10 years, I do see a lot of really good and beautiful things. It's definitely harder for me to see the good stuff day-to-day. But if I look at the whole picture, it's much easier to see. I think sometimes we have to take a step back and really look at our lives. What do they consist of? Is it all bad? Probably not. Is it all good? Definitely not. But that is what life is made up of: really hard stuff mixed in with really beautiful and wonderful stuff. God never promised us life would be easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth pushing forward.

So all this to say, I wish I could tell 21 year old me to just hold on. Life can be very bumpy and rocky, but it can also be really smooth with some great views along the way. Life is bigger than what we see directly in front of us. And it really does paint a beautiful picture.

Never Say Never

Being an adult can be hard.

Obviously.

One thing I've learned in my 31 short years on this earth is that you really shouldn't say never about everything. Or even make fun of things you don't understand or like. Because I have eaten my words many times over these 31 years. A couple of case-in-points for you:

1. I swore to never have a Twitter account. It's true. In fact, I posted a status about it on Facebook about 6-7 years ago (I know this because it popped up on my "On This Day" not that long ago). I didn't understand why anyone would want to post nothing but status updates when you could already do that on Facebook. Oh, how naive I was...

2. I used to be the girl that posted every single thing she did throughout the day on Facebook. I make fun of those people now, but really, I used to be one of them. That good ol' "On This Day" feature has reminded me of that fact many times. I used to post things like "is doing laundry" (remember when a status was your name or your name is?) or "is tired" or "is bored". Yep, things I'm sure all of my friends were dying to know about me. I guess I shouldn't make fun of the people that still do it, since I used to be one of them.

3. I didn't understand why people used the phrase "self care" and vowed never to use it. And yet, if I look at my life, I really am a huge proponent of "self care". In fact, I took some time this evening to do just that. I found a spa station on Pandora to do some of my stretches to and it made them so much more relaxing. I read my Bible. I poured myself a glass of wine. I spent some time relaxing on the couch. I need "self care". I need alone time. Both of which are not only good for my soul and mental health, but good for my physical health as well.

I think we as humans are far too quick to think that we will never be "that person" or we would never use "that phrase" or feel "that way". But until we are in those places in life, we can't say that. I didn't understand loss until I had been through it. I didn't understand how hard marriage really was until I got married. I didn't understand why people respond in anger in their pain until I was in pain and responded in anger.

I think we need to stop saying never in certain situations. I think we need to stop being quick to judge people in hard situations. I think we need to remember that life isn't always going to go the way we anticipate and remember that it surprises us often. And I think we need to have a lot more grace for ourselves and for those around us.

Almost a Wrap

It's hard to believe that Christmas will be here in just 6 more days!

This year has by far been one of my favorites. We had a lot of ups and downs, but we learned a lot about ourselves and I think we've done a lot of growing.

I was just looking back on my recap post from last year to see what my hopes and dreams for 2015 were to see how life measured up to them.

The first one was to figure out my neck issues and a way to manage them better. While I still have issues going on, this is the first time since everything started that I finally feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I started pursuing myofascial release therapy in the middle of January and it has been such a huge help for me. Not only am I not in as much pain anymore, I have a lot more movement in my body. Unfortunately, since it took over 4 years to get to the point that it is right now, it's gonna take some time to reverse all of that. So while some might look at my doing this therapy for a year and still having issues as a bad sign, I see it as a good sign. This is the only thing that has caused any improvement. Every other treatment or therapy I have tried just masked it or helped with the pain only. Nothing ever helped me to be able to move better. Considering my condition has not worsened at all this year but instead has gotten better, I consider that a huge win! I look forward to the day when I feel "normal" again.

The second one was to be able to encourage women through Bible study or something like that. And I was able to do that! I actually had two different opportunities to do that this year and I'm excited for next year will bring! I would love to do a smaller women's retreat again next year, so that's something that I'm praying on to see if that can happen.

Some of the different possibilities that I was praying about didn't come to fruition this year, but there was good reason for them. After praying about each of them a lot, I realized that I really need to get my body issues more under control before I try and commit to something huge. I had to say no to more than one ministry this year because of that. And while it was really hard to do so, I know it was necessary. I'm hoping that next year will bring other opportunities that I will be able to say yes to. God has been teaching me a lot about balance this year. While I would love to be able to say yes to everything that comes my way, sometimes the answer has to be no. I can't be or do everything, and I have to be ok with that. I do know that I need to get involved more in serving at church in some capacity, so that is something I am praying on for next year as well.

I also mentioned being excited about the changes that were happening in our church. And many things did change! I know there are more things to come and I'm excited to see what happens next year!

As far as being excited for how God was going to mold Josh and I, that has been really exciting. Not only did Josh get a promotion at work, into a position that was created specifically with him in mind, he has been able to serve so much in the youth transition in our church right now by being the jr. high point guy. When we first started dating, we both felt like we were supposed to serve in full-time youth ministry as youth pastors. While that shifted and changed over the years, I know he has always had a passion for young people. So to see him serving in this capacity and teaching jr. highers each week has been so awesome for me. I am so proud of him and the man he is. He has grown so much this year in so many different areas and I feel so honored to be his wife and to be able to walk alongside him through this journey.
As for me, I've learned a lot this year about balance, as I mentioned before, as well as letting go of fear. One of the biggest things that has come up in my myofascial therapy has been some of my irrational fears. I don't even think I realized how crippling some of them were. I have been working very hard in the past six months to let go of some of those things. While I know it's going to take time, I'm confident that I will be able to move past some of them. I've also learned about myself that I get stressed out very easily in certain situations. While I need to learn to work through the stress in some situations, I've also learned that sometimes it's better to avoid certain triggers of stress as well. I need to continue to work on this, but I'm trying to learn how to better manage my stress. Fear and stress are, I think, two of the biggest emotional factors that contribute to my body issues. So I need to continue to work on moving past those things and learning to deal with them in a healthy manner so that I won't feel so tense all the time.

And now, a little recap of 2015 (so far):

We started the year off with a little New Year's Eve party at our house!

We also had a couple of fun times with family, including a sushi date, a hockey game, and we were able to spend a lot of time with Josh's family when everyone was here for his great-grandma's funeral.

One of my dear friends had her baby (!!!) and I had a couple of fun birthday celebrations.

February brought our Vegas trip to celebrate Josh and I turning 30, as well as our 7th anniversary and a trip to Disneyland to celebrate!

March was full of a lot of fun times with friends, including my first ever trip to Dutch Bros and my dear friend L.B.'s birthday.

In April, we went to visit Josh's oldest brother and his family for Easter, and I went to my church's women's retreat with a wonderful group of friends.

We also celebrated my sister's birthday and I had a couple of fun wine outings with friends.

May was packed to the brim with fun stuff! We went to a tea house with Josh's mom for Mother's Day, and celebrated my dad's birthday and my mom on Mother's Day.

We also took a trip to Disneyland and celebrated a couple of other birthdays (our friend V.M., L.B.'s daughter and my sister-in-law).

I also had a fun wine tasting day with my wine ladies, and Josh and I were able to see one of our favorite bands in concert for the 10th anniversary of our favorite album of theirs.

In June, we celebrated a couple of birthdays (my brother-in-law and my friend S.C.) and I had a couple of wine nights.

We also went to Disneyland again and got to have a special lunch at Club 33!

In July, we went on a cabin trip with some of our friends for the 4th of July, and my friend E.K. and her family were here visiting, so we got to spend a lot of time with them.

August brought a lot of fun times with friends, including going out dancing to celebrate the birthdays of two friends.

We also went to a taco fundraiser, and celebrated Josh's dad and our friend K.W.'s birthdays.

And there were a couple of wine outings as well.

September was another busy month. I had a craft night with some friends, and we attended a friend's wedding!

We also went to Disneyland again, and celebrated our niece's birthday.

October was also very busy! We went to Disneyland in celebration of our niece's birthday and our friends K.W. and S.W. came to the Halloween party with us!

We also went to a corn maze with some friends, and I did a wine stroll with some girlfriends.

There were also a couple of fun wine nights, and our friend S.W.'s annual Halloween party!

In November, I attended a friend's adoption shower and took a trip to Colorado to see my CO bestie and her family!

We also had our second annual Friendsgiving and went wine tasting for Josh's birthday.

We also got to spend a lot of time with family for Thanksgiving and decorated for Christmas!

And so far, December has brought some fun things...including another trip to Disneyland, a couple of Christmas parties, ice skating and Star Wars (more on all of that in a future post). I'm looking forward to the other fun things we have planned!

Stay tuned for more about 2015!

A Couple of Lessons about Social Media

Some of you have probably either seen the On This Day function that Facebook has, or maybe you have the TimeHop app. Both of them function in the same capacity in that they show you what happened on this day however many years ago.

I like to look back on stuff sometimes, just to remember what life was like. I've had Facebook for over 8 years, so there's a lot of memories and events on there that I may not remember. 

Unfortunately, sometimes things pop up on there that I'd rather forget. 

I've come to realize that I used to use social media as more of a journal back in the day, something that I don't think is beneficial for me now. Because of how I used it, I wrote posts or said things that now I wish weren't in cyberspace somewhere. 

I've learned in more recent years how much of an impact what we say and post on social media can have our own lives, as well as on the lives of those around us. 

So, I'd like to share a few of the important lessons I've learned, or am learning. Not only to be an encouragement to others on some things to think about, but also to remind myself of some important truths.

1. The pictures and events people post about on social media are only a snapshot of their lives. I think it's really easy for us to see all the cool things others are doing and become jealous or sad because our lives don't look the same way. I've been reading this book called For the Love by Jen Hatmaker and she talks about this very thing. It's really easy to think that we should be doing all the things that everyone else is doing. Specifically for women, we see one friend is an excellent cook, one friend is super crafty, one friend seems to have an open door policy for friends in need to come over whenever, and another friend has the cutest dressed family ever...and we feel like we need to combine all of those things in our lives...when in reality, no one women can be perfect at all of those things and be sane! It's important for us to remember that social media just shows mostly the good or fun moments in people's lives, and we aren't expected to live up to anyone else's standard. We should just be striving to do our best for God and the rest will fall into place. Let's stop being jealous or hurt from what we see and instead be encouraged to live our lives the way we've been called to live them.

2. If the things we post on social media aren't things we would say to a person's face, we probably shouldn't post them. One of the posts I came across recently that I wrote awhile back was one of those vague ones about being upset with someone without saying their name. And so, of course, others commented on it and wanted to know what was going on. The problems with these kinds of posts are many. Not only am I talking about someone without talking to them, I'm involving others in the situation that don't need to be involved. I'm also being hurtful not only to myself, but to the person I'm posting about. It also lessens my credibility and my witness to those reading it. There's a pattern set up for us in Scripture on how to deal with the people we have issues with. 

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."

(Matthew 18:15-17, ESV)

Those are the words of Jesus. And by this definition, posting something vague on Facebook or even "confronting" someone directly on their wall or their post is in direct violation of the way things should be handled. If I'm willing to be so "bold" as to post something about a problem I have with someone, yet am unwilling to say those words to their face, I have no business posting anything on social media. Being a person who does not enjoy confrontation, I know how much easier it is to hide behind a screen instead of having a hard conversation with someone, but that's just not the way it should be. 

3. Posting things on social media makes it much easier for others to misunderstand where we are coming from. This applies for text and email as well. Because you can't see or hear the person's words, it's a lot easier to think someone is being serious when maybe they meant for it to have a tone of sarcasm. Or maybe they are giving you a compliment and you read it in a mean tone instead. Vocal inflections and facial gestures give us so many hints when we are speaking face to face, which is something that is completely lost behind a screen. Because of that, I try to use emoticons to express what my face would be doing in those conversations. I know it doesn't solve the problem, but it helps. Sometimes a misconstrued text will cause a face to face conversation to happen, because someone thought I was being rude when I wasn't meaning to come off that way. So while social media can be a great communication tool, it shouldn't be our only communication tool.

Maybe you've learned other lessons than these (like not sharing a political opinion unless you're willing to hear everyone else's opinions), but these are the big ones for me. I think we need to stop and think (or even pray) before we post and comment on social media. Otherwise, it may come back to bite us in the cheeks one day.

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

(Colossians 4:6, ESV)

Seven Year (Not So Much) Itch!

The title for this post cracks me up, as I've been teasing Josh for the last few months about feeling that seven year itch!

The day we got engaged. December 24th, 2006

I honestly cannot believe we've been married for seven years! March 1st marks ten years of being together...and that is even crazier to me. Time has flown by in so many ways...and yet it feels like we've been in each other's lives forever. Time is such a funny thing...

February 23rd, 2008

Marriage can be so crazy. I definitely feel like we have matured and learned a lot in the past seven years...but then new things come up and we learn more. It's constantly changing and yet so much of it remains the same. Love grows and morphs into something unexpected...and it can be so incredible and surprising all at the same time.

In front of Mama's Fish House in Maui, 2008

I'm thankful God has brought us through many tough situations together. We have experienced a lot of loss, but I'm so grateful that we have been able to be there for each other through it all. It's impossible to imagine doing life the past seven years without Josh by my side.

Disneyland Anniversary Trip 2010

And while we have definitely had some dreams not come true, God has taught us both so much about being content in our marriage, and being content with each other. We may not have kids, but we have each other, and that has been such a huge blessing. And we have so many little ones in our lives to love on and spend time with. Things make not look the way we expected, but life is still good.

Baseball game summer 2014

Happy anniversary to my love! I'm so thankful for these seven years of being your wife!!

Vegas Birthday Trip 2015

On My Mind

I haven't done a very good job of sharing my heart in this space lately.

I think for privacy reasons and for feeling like there are a lot of pieces of my story I can't share, (because part of it involves other people's stories) I've been very nervous to share anything.

So while there are things I can't talk about, there are some things I feel I need to say.

My family suffered a great loss over a year ago. It's something that still hurts and still brings a lot of sad thoughts and feelings. It's something I don't think we will ever fully "get over" and I don't think we are supposed to.

That term "get over" really bothers me. I think we assume that once "enough" time has passed, people should just be able to move on from their hurt feelings. But life isn't that simple. Loss isn't that simple. Hurt and pain are not that simple. The memories don't just disappear. Your love for someone doesn't just go away overnight. The pain may lessen and the memories may not pop up as often, but that doesn't mean we've gotten over it.

A lot of the people I love the most in this world have been and are currently dealing with very painful situations. Separation from loved ones (not by choice), cancer, betrayal, physical ailments, etc. The kinds of things that make one question God's love for His children. While I don't always understand why these situations are happening and while I don't always understand God's ultimate plan for our lives, I can say that I've seen Him evident in every single situation. I can say that I've seen Him mold and change and grow people to look more like Him through these hard times. I can say that I have seen beauty come up from these ashes.

Prayer is one of the things I struggle with the most. It's not that I don't pray, but I'm not very consistent with it. And when I do pray, it's often for someone else or for one of these situations mentioned above. I have a harder time praying for myself, because it sometimes seems selfish when I compare my thoughts and needs to those around me. But I know deep down inside that it's not about whose need is greater, because we all need God. My need for Him is just as great as yours, even if our situations are much different.

And I think that's what He's teaching me the most right now. That my need for Him is not determined by how hard my life is or how ok I might think I am. It's determined by my daily, hourly need of a Savior, of someone to love me and lead me in the direction He wants me to go. I can't and shouldn't try to do life on my own. I need His help and His wisdom and guidance every single second of my life.

My BCBs and I recently finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. While I had read it before in high school and remembered a few things about the story, there was so much that struck me this second time around. The faith and trust that both Corrie and her sister showed was incredible. The way that God used them before, during, and after their time in the concentration camp is so inspiring to me. To be that open and that in tune with God is something I definitely long for. Reading those pages again made me realize just how little my actions reflect my need for a Savior on a daily basis.

So while I may feel like my current situation in life is not as hard as the situations in the lives around me, my need for God is not any less. In the good times and bad, I need my Savior.

The Need for Balance

I have been thinking a lot lately about my heart for this blog and my need for balance.

About a year ago, I sensed major change coming in my life. And it came...and it came...and it came again.

I have been experiencing a lot of change this past year.

Things I never would have expected to happen in my heart have been happening.

And yet, I know there is still that part of me that holds back, that doesn't want to embrace the changes, because I'm too comfortable where I'm at.

I started singing on the worship team at church again, after taking almost a year off. When I first stopped singing, it was kind of nice. My schedule was a lot more free, I didn't feel like I had to be anywhere on Sundays anymore, and I just felt a little relieved, to be honest. I really didn't see myself going back to it. And yet, God called me back. He spoke through a few different people in my life and made it very clear that He wanted me in that role again.

And honestly? It's been a huge blessing.

But, that is only one change I've had to deal with...and that one was pretty painless compared to some of the others.

For someone who has experienced a lot of disappointment and faced the reality that many of my dreams may not turn out the way I hoped, change can be very difficult.

Yet in everything I've been studying, or hearing from other people, or reading about, one thing keeps coming up: life will bring disappointments, I have to make a choice how I'm going to respond to them, and I can't get through them without God's help.

My church hosted a women's conference a few weeks ago. The woman who spoke was a.maz.ing. It was very apparent to me (as well as to every other woman in that room I am sure), that she was speaking God's words that day. Everyone I talked to felt like God was speaking directly to them with the words she was saying. It was that spot on. I honestly had never experienced that in such a powerful way before.

The craziest part? The things she spoke on lined up exactly with what my women's Bible study was going over that week. Taking thoughts captive and not allowing lies and the negative things we tend to believe about ourselves take root. Acknowledging that those thoughts are not of God and learning how to refute them and how to not allow them to creep in so easily. It was so good and so needed.

The part that spoke directly to me was hard to hear, but it made so much sense to me. She made a statement that maybe God is not giving you what you want because you would be satisfied with that and not with Him.

Ouch.

And yet, I know it's true for me. With as many months as it's been since I first longed for a baby, and in spite of all the ways I've grown and all the things I've learned in this process, I know myself...and God knows me, too. I would lose sight of Him. Oh, I would be really happy at first and I would be thanking Him all the time. But how quickly would that fade when that little person came into this world and I had everything that I have been wanting for so long? Would I really need God anymore at that point?

It's really hard for me to type that out, but I'm just being honest. I know my personality and I know I would probably lose sight of God pretty quickly in the midst of all of that. Not that I would completely turn my back and never follow Him again...but He would definitely be a lot lower on the totem pole.

(this picture makes my heart melt)

My heart for this blog for the last few years has been to share my story...all the good, the bad, and the ugly...because maybe God will use my words to speak to one of you. Maybe the things I've gone through or the things I'm still struggling with will encourage you to walk closer to Him and to trust Him more.

That is still my heart.

I've just realized this past year that I need a lot more balance in my life. It's really easy to get caught up in this blog world and lose sight of the people that are right in front of you. I could easily spend hours each day reading blog post after blog post, emailing different bloggers back and forth, and writing post after post after post. And, there is nothing wrong with that...it just doesn't work for me. My husband needs more of my attention, my real life friends need to connect with me and I need to connect with them, my family needs to see my face and hear my voice, and most importantly, I need to spend quality time with my God.

So while I will still be here and I will still share my heart, my encouragement to myself, as well as to all of you, is to spend time with those that are important. I need a hug just like the next girl, and unfortunately, those don't come through the computer screen. I know I can still be a blogger and be a part of those important relationships in my life: it just takes a willingness to make both happen.

And, I promise you...I am willing and ready to do both...and to do them to the best of my ability.

Taking Steps

Life is all about taking steps, isn't it?

We either take steps in the right or wrong direction...or sometimes towards the middle ground.

Whatever steps we take, we are constantly taking them.

These past few months have been all about taking steps for me. With lifestyle changes, involvement changes, relationships, and even how I'm spending my time...I've been taking lots of steps in different directions.


But, no matter where life takes me, there are certain things I know I must always take steps towards:

My relationship with God - He doesn't call us to remain stagnant and never move forward. We need to constantly be growing and moving in the directions He wants us to go

My relationship with my hubby - I have to pursue a deeper relationship with him on a daily basis. We have to communicate with each other and take time out of our daily routines to spend time with each other. It's vital to the health of our marriage

My relationships with everyone else - God puts certain people in my life for a reason. Whether they be family, friends, people at church, or the woman I run into at the grocery store - they cross my path for a specific reason. I need to make sure I am investing in them in the right ways, and taking the right steps with them.

How about you? What people or things are you taking steps towards this week? What areas of your life are you running after...or running away from? We all take steps...let's just make sure they're in the right directions.

Be blessed this week.

Moments

Life is all about moments...

Moments that take our breath away.
Moments that change and mold us.
Moments we wish we could forget.
Moments we hope to hold onto forever.

And yet, we take these moments...all of our moments...for granted, all the time. We think we have so much time to do this or that...we always think we have a tomorrow...and we never realize, until it's too late, how important it is to appreciate what we have in our lives.

I've been struggling a lot this week with different moments...what they mean, what they could mean, and what I'm going to do in response to them.

I'm in a hard place...and I don't really know what tomorrow is going to look like.

Someone very dear to me is losing the reality of her moments. The moments she thinks she's living in are very different than the moments she's actually living in...and it breaks my heart. And, the hardest part about it is that she doesn't even know what's going on. She thinks we are all crazy and making things up...and it's just so sad.

It's been making me realize how very important my moments are...and how I should value them, not take them for granted.

As we are almost done going through Crazy Love in our Wednesday night Bible study, I'm reminded of a story Francis Chan tells about his mother's grandma...who did not want Jesus to find her in a theater if He were to come back in that moment.

With that story...and the reality I'm living in with this very dear person...I want to make my moments count. I want the things I choose to spend my time doing to be important things, things that matter, things that will bring glory to God.

That is what is on my heart.

(Linking up with Casey)

Seasons

That may seem like a funny title to most of you...with all the crazy, abnormal weather we've been having...

And yet, I find myself in the midst of a season I didn't even realize I was in.

I have a beautiful friend who has beautiful babies...and who sometimes feels like God has other things for her to be doing...but she can't do them with her babies. Whenever she brings this up, other mommies remind her that this is just a season...that it will pass and she will miss these days with her babies when they're older and more independent.

Most of the time, I nod in agreement, knowing how true that statement is...for my friend. And yet, I've been realizing this last week that there is truth in that statement for me as well.

Sometimes I don't like to admit it...but I feel very alone a lot of the time...even in the midst of a crowd. Even when I am surrounded by wonderful friends and having a good time. Even when I'm sitting at home with my husband on the couch. It has nothing to do with the people around me...and everything to do with me.

I hadn't been able to put my finger on it until I had an email conversation with a sweet friend this week. She brought up some amazing points that I hadn't even thought of.


We, as women ('cuz I can't speak for you men out there), tend to gravitate towards women that are like us. Women that either share our same passions in life, or have similar stories to our own, or that are in the same place in life we're at. And, there's nothing wrong with that. It's natural to be drawn towards others like ourselves.

And yet, it can be very hard at the same time. Someone who might have been your best friend at one point could now be only an acquaintance...because you've gravitated towards different passions in life. Someone you might have never talked to before could be your new best friend...because you both just recently got married and have similar experiences to talk about. Or, someone you just met in a young mom's group may be the only one who understands how down you're feeling after having the baby.

While it's natural to drift towards people in our same situations, it's hard to deal with the reality that some of the ones we used to call all the time now have new friends to call in their new situations. It's not a bad thing...it's a part of life. And, that doesn't mean it will always be that way...but it is in this season.

So, as I've been accepting this season I'm in, I'm realizing I don't have many women around me that are in my same situation. I love the women in my life and I'm so grateful for them...but oftentimes I still feel alone...because they aren't where I'm at. And, while I know that this is just a season...I also know this is where God has me...and I need to make the most of it.

So, I'm praying about something that could potentially be a wonderful thing. I'm not ready to reveal the details until I'm certain this is where God is leading me...but I must say I am really excited about it. That same sweet friend brought up something that got me thinking about it...and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I really long to be used by God in a more powerful way in my life...and this just may be the solution to my longing.

I'd like to encourage all of you reading this...no matter what season you find yourself in...to embrace it. Yes, it will be hard at times...yes, it may mean you don't have the same good friends anymore...but this is where God has you...and He has amazing things to teach you in the midst of this season.

Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
(Psalm 25:4-5, NIV)

Rest in that, my friends.

Growth

I feel like I am experiencing an amazing time of growth in my life these days. I have such a hunger for God's word and the ability to know Him more. I am currently reading along with my church in Deuteronomy and commenting on their blog with my thoughts. It is so encouraging to have the resources we do these days to be able to instantly post your thoughts and to encourage and sharpen one another with your opinions, whether right or wrong. I am also involved in a women's Bible study each week where we are going through the book "A Woman With A Past, A God With A Future" by Elsa Kok. This week's chapter is called "Believing God". As simple of a concept as that may seem to many, I often times find myself struggling to truly believe in all of God's promises. I know the words of Psalm 18:1-2 are true, that God is our rock, our fortress, and our deliverer, but I don't always live my life taking hold of that truth. I long for the day when I can truly rest in Him and know that He is my refuge and my stronghold, and that nothing I can ever do will change that. My prayer is that I will also learn to keep God's commands so that I can live my life the way He wants me to live it. I also want to trust Him with everything. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).