Moving Forward

We are already over halfway into January 2019.

It's crazy writing that out that way.

I'm still in shock that 2018 is over and we're almost a month into 2019 already.

2018 ended with me feeling a little scattered and like some things were half finished. I got to do just about everything I wanted to experience around Christmastime and we got to spend a lot of time with loved ones in December, but then I got sick. I think that's why things felt the way they did. I wanted so badly to take that time after Christmas to start organizing my house and my life and get into a better routine. But instead I spent 4 days on the couch, trying to rest so my cold didn't turn into anything worse.

I'm not saying that the resting was bad or that I should have been doing more, but I often beat myself up a little if I rest too much and don't get enough done. Or at least, enough by my own standards.

I didn't get to plan out my goals for 2019 like I wanted to. I didn't get to sit down and really think on 2018 like I wanted to.

And yet, life moves forward. And so do I.

As I type this, it sounds so silly and so petty. Not being able to spend time reflecting and dreaming. But in the moment, it felt like such a big deal.

If you know anything about the enneagram, I'm a 9. Part of being a 9 means that I often stuff my feelings down to keep the peace or because I don't want to deal with the pain or whatever other emotion it brings up. We 9's don't like to rock the boat.

So my being frustrated about not being able to do those things was actually a sign to me of trying to work through my struggles. I shared a little bit in this space about some of the things I've been learning about myself in the past 6ish months. One thing I'm trying to do more of is allowing myself to feel things.

For instance, I re-watched Gilmore Girls for like the 6th or 8th or 10th time (I've seen it a lot). And I re-watched A Year in the Life for the third time (maybe the 4th?). Watching the final episode, I could feel that ball in my throat getting harder and harder as my eyes welled up with tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to fully cry. But I took some deep breaths as I watched the show and I let them come. And that ball in my throat got lighter and lighter. I probably cried for about 10 minutes. And it felt good.

I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to really feel things. I think feeling it, living in it for as long as it takes, is essential for me. I don't want to keep bottling everything up inside. So even things that seem insignificant or petty (like not being able to spend time reflecting on 2018) need to be felt and worked through.

So as we move into 2019, I'm determined to keep working on giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel. The word I chose for 2019 was Rise. I'm ready to rise up, to rise above, to raise my head and feel. And I want to help those around me to do the same.



*****


For the past 10 years, I've made a point to make a collage of some of my favorite pictures and memories of the year before. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse into 2018. I'm excited to see where 2019 takes me!

Pain and Trauma

I still haven't really decided what I want to do with this space yet.

It's been five months since I've typed up a new blog post, but today I got the itch to write.

I've been reading Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis this month with my Color Street team. I have found many amazing things in this book that have really stuck out to me, but I think the chapter I read today took the cake.

One of the things that really struck me was this:

You cannot ignore your pain. You cannot ever leave it behind completely. The only thing you can do is find a way to embrace the good that came out of it - even if it takes you years to discover what that is (chapter 15: The Lie: I will never get past this).

One of the things I've been learning about myself over the past 2.75 years that I've been doing myofascial release therapy is that I have literally been responding to trauma and painful situations the same way my entire life: I freeze or stiffen up. I was reminded this week while at one of my appointments of a painful experience that happened in my childhood.

I was in elementary school and was literally in a constant state of headache. My mom took me to the doctor and they ran a bunch of tests. One was some sort of CT scan. I believe it was a contrast CT, because I was being injected with some kind of liquid when this painful experience took place. The man injecting me was having an issue finding my vein, and instead of pulling it out and trying again, he was moving the needle in my arm back and forth to try to find it. Honestly, it was one of the most painful things I've ever had to endure! I literally could not move that arm for three days after. It was bent against my abdomen, like your arm would be if it's in a sling.

As I was recalling this story, my myofascial therapist responded, "So your reaction to pain has always been to stiffen up".

I don't know why I never put those two pieces together, but I realize now that she was right. Every time I've been in a painful situation, I have made myself stiff so as not to feel the pain, or at least not to feel it fully. And whatever brought on this intense stiffness that I'm experiencing now (which is more than likely my body responding to years of this), has been much more intense than those 3 days or any other episode ever were.

Knowing this information now, and realizing that this has been a pattern of mine my whole life, I'm more determined than ever to break these habits. I often notice that even when I don't realize it, some area of my body is not relaxed. Sometimes it requires a lot of energy for me to relax and let go of whatever muscles I'm holding on to. And it's not even because of something super traumatic! I have just conditioned my body that this is how I am supposed to react to negative situations.

So where do I go from here? What do I take away from this revelation and the words I read tonight? That I need to acknowledge my pain, feel it, sit in it as long as I need to but also try to see what good possibly came from it. Maybe not every situation in my life is there yet. I'm a work in progress, as we all are, and maybe my body isn't ready for complete healing.

But knowing what I know now, and being more aware of how I've functioned my entire life, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. For many years, I thought I might live with this forever. And while I can't predict the future, I honestly have a lot of faith and hope that this is not going to be my permanent state. I've been in this place for 7.5 years now. Not as severely as I was 2.5 years ago, but it also wasn't as severe as it is now when it started. But I know I have hope that this will change. That I will continue to learn and grow and work on the areas in my life that need work. That I will keep striving forward, tears in my eyes at times, crying through the pain, to be a better version of me. To not be a pain-free version of myself, but a version that doesn't stiffen up and freeze when the pain does come.


******

Oh and in case you were wondering, my headaches were caused by the fact that my neck was out of alignment. My mom took me to a chiropractor after the doctors could find nothing wrong with me and my headache went away after a couple of treatments.

Changes

I think I want to get back to writing because I have something to share.

I have enjoyed having a spot to look back on with my monthly wrap-ups, but I also feel like that's all this blog has been the last few years.

I used to share more of my heart and my thoughts and I miss that.



I feel like a lot of change has been happening within me and all around me these past few months. Good and bad changes. And everything in between.

I decided to stop selling LuLaRoe. For a number of reasons, but mostly because I just feel overwhelmed by it physically and emotionally. I feel like it's time for a change. Plus, it's been really hard working three jobs since November. And I'm really enjoying Color Street. So I'm closing up my LuLaRoe shop very soon.

My sister and brother-in-law are in the process of becoming resource family approved with the intent to adopt! I am so excited for them and this next step in their journey! And I'm excited to be an aunt again!

There have been a lot of changes at church too. I feel like things have been changing there for the past 5 years. Sometimes it feels like we are in a constant state of flux.

But in spite of all the changes, we keep moving forward in life, keep moving toward what we think we should be doing.



Josh and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in February! It's so hard to believe we've been together that long, but at the same time it seems like it's been much longer. I'm starting to forget specific dates and things from early on in our relationship that I used to remember so well. Not that I've forgotten them completely, but because so much time has passed, they aren't in the forefront of my mind anymore. It makes me a little sad, but I know that's how the passage of time works.



I might share some of my monthly wrap-ups. I might not. I've even contemplated starting a new blog to share my thoughts and leave this one as is. But I'm not sure yet. I just know it feels good to be behind a keyboard typing again.

Some December Thoughts

I am so behind on blog posts and feel like I'm behind on life in general these days.

I'm not sure when life kicked into this high of a gear, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this week.

It's December 12th. Christmas is 13 days away. And yes, we got all of our Christmas shopping done. And yes, we've watched some Christmas movies and done some fun Christmas activities. And yes, our house is decorated (I'm staring at my lit up Christmas tree right now). And yes, the majority of our Christmas cards have been sent out or delivered to the people receiving them. But I still feel like something is missing.

There's so much talk of Christmas plans and where we are going when. My brain already hurts just thinking about it. I really just want a morning, or an afternoon, or some chunk of time over the Christmas weekend to have some time alone with Josh, so that we can do our own Christmas at home.

And I've been doing a lot of vendor events. I did 5 within the first week of December. I've got 1, possibly 2 more coming up this month.

I just feel tired. And like I'm whining. I'm really not meaning to, though. I really just want to take some time and think about why we celebrate Christmas. What does it all mean? Why do we spend all this time buying the perfect gifts and then wrapping them? Why does our calendar instantly fill up when December rolls around? Where does Jesus fit into all of it?

I love Christmas. Don't get me wrong. It's my absolute favorite holiday. It always has been. There's something about all the colorful lights everywhere and the songs and the joy of spending time with loved ones.

But I want it to be more than just a fun, busy month this year.

It's really easy to lose sight of Jesus. I've been doing it all month. I've been so worried about everything we've had on our calendar and all the things we've needed to buy, that I've kind of forgotten what all of it means. Or what all of it should mean.

I want to give gifts because it's a small reflection of the love I have for someone, and because Jesus gave us the ultimate gift by dying on the cross for our sins, not because I feel like I need to or have to. I want to do fun events with the people I care about because I enjoy their company and who they are in my life, not because it's just something we've always done or because I'm fulfilling an obligation. I want to watch Christmas movies and listen to certain Christmas songs because they make me feel happy and nostalgic, not because I want to make sure to check those off a list of things I've done this holiday season.

And so I've decided to take some time out this month to focus on the reason why this season is so special. I want to spend some time studying and reading the Word: the prophecies about Jesus's coming, His birth and what He brought to our world. I want to spend some time thinking about and expressing my appreciation and love for the people in my life. All too often we take people for granted or assume they know how we feel. And I want to spend some time examining my heart and my life to really figure out what this new year is going to look like for me. It's something I enjoy doing at the end of every year and I think it's really important for me. It helps me to be able to set my focus on some specific goals and helps me to keep myself accountable to them.

I'm also determined to make sure that Josh and I get to spend some time together as our little family of 2. I don't talk very often on this space anymore about our journey and where we've come from, but at this moment in time, we are both content and happy to be just the two of us. I know a lot of people (and it's not really anyone's fault, it's just kind of the way our society is) assume that we aren't a family because we don't have kids. But we are a family and our time together is just as important as it would be if we had 4 kids. We have been married for almost 10 years now and this will be our 13th Christmas together. We got engaged on Christmas Eve almost 11 years ago. This time of year is very important to both of us and I don't want this time to pass by without us getting to acknowledge all that it means to us as a couple and individually.

My hope is that all of us would be able to take some time out in the next two weeks and really reflect on this month, this year and our lives. Don't let the busyness or the obligations or whatever else it may be keep you from enjoying this time of year.

Naivete

I feel like I spent a good portion of my life being pretty naive about things in life in general.

If you would have asked me even 10 years ago if my life would look the way it does right now, with the people in it, I would have said you were crazy.

I don't think I was stupid. I don't think I expected life to be perfect (well, maybe I did a little bit). But I don't know that I was aware of how much bigger the world really was compared to what I had known of it.

I know I'm being kind of vague, but I guess the point of this post is to express how much differently I view the world as a 31 year old than I did as a 21 year old. Having gone through some incredibly hard things myself in the past 10 years, as well as walking through some really hard stuff with friends and family, I just feel a lot differently about life.

My faith has had its ups and downs, but I know God has never left me. I may have doubted Him at times, but He's always been there. I may not understand everything or know how some of these hard things fit into His plan, but I know He's still in control. And I know I would say those same things 10 years ago, but I had no idea back then just how hard life could be.

I often think of the people in my life. The people that have stuck by me, the ones that I grow closer to each and every day, and the ones that have drifted away. I've said in the past that there are seasons for every relationship and I still believe that...to an extent. I think that sometimes it's easy to use that phrase when we want to walk away from a friendship or things aren't going the way we want in a relationship, so we chalk it up to being a "season". But I think sometimes the best friendships, the ones that really matter to us, take really hard work. It's not always easy to be there for people who don't seem to want to be there for us. It's not always easy to have long distance friendships with people. It's not always pleasant to have real and honest conversations with people about the way they treat us. It's not always easy to make time for people. But if we really care, if we're really invested and want the relationship to last, we have to put in the hard work.

This transition our church has been in for the past three + years has been one of the hardest things I've ever endured in a church. I can't tell you how many times I've been ready to throw in the towel and move on. But I know that's me talking. Sometimes life is hard and we just have to endure some hard things before they get better, or before it really is time to move on. I know that right now, I'm supposed to be involved with women, and that is what I'm pursuing. I've taken some steps in that direction and I'm excited to see what God does with it. It will not always be easy, but I keep reminding myself that the church is the people. Not just a few people, but all of them. And every single one of them needs encouragement and love and support.

I have a tendency to be really negative and focus on the bad stuff in life. I try hard not to, because I know there are so many good things. And if I look back on the last 10 years, I do see a lot of really good and beautiful things. It's definitely harder for me to see the good stuff day-to-day. But if I look at the whole picture, it's much easier to see. I think sometimes we have to take a step back and really look at our lives. What do they consist of? Is it all bad? Probably not. Is it all good? Definitely not. But that is what life is made up of: really hard stuff mixed in with really beautiful and wonderful stuff. God never promised us life would be easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth pushing forward.

So all this to say, I wish I could tell 21 year old me to just hold on. Life can be very bumpy and rocky, but it can also be really smooth with some great views along the way. Life is bigger than what we see directly in front of us. And it really does paint a beautiful picture.

Never Say Never

Being an adult can be hard.

Obviously.

One thing I've learned in my 31 short years on this earth is that you really shouldn't say never about everything. Or even make fun of things you don't understand or like. Because I have eaten my words many times over these 31 years. A couple of case-in-points for you:

1. I swore to never have a Twitter account. It's true. In fact, I posted a status about it on Facebook about 6-7 years ago (I know this because it popped up on my "On This Day" not that long ago). I didn't understand why anyone would want to post nothing but status updates when you could already do that on Facebook. Oh, how naive I was...

2. I used to be the girl that posted every single thing she did throughout the day on Facebook. I make fun of those people now, but really, I used to be one of them. That good ol' "On This Day" feature has reminded me of that fact many times. I used to post things like "is doing laundry" (remember when a status was your name or your name is?) or "is tired" or "is bored". Yep, things I'm sure all of my friends were dying to know about me. I guess I shouldn't make fun of the people that still do it, since I used to be one of them.

3. I didn't understand why people used the phrase "self care" and vowed never to use it. And yet, if I look at my life, I really am a huge proponent of "self care". In fact, I took some time this evening to do just that. I found a spa station on Pandora to do some of my stretches to and it made them so much more relaxing. I read my Bible. I poured myself a glass of wine. I spent some time relaxing on the couch. I need "self care". I need alone time. Both of which are not only good for my soul and mental health, but good for my physical health as well.

I think we as humans are far too quick to think that we will never be "that person" or we would never use "that phrase" or feel "that way". But until we are in those places in life, we can't say that. I didn't understand loss until I had been through it. I didn't understand how hard marriage really was until I got married. I didn't understand why people respond in anger in their pain until I was in pain and responded in anger.

I think we need to stop saying never in certain situations. I think we need to stop being quick to judge people in hard situations. I think we need to remember that life isn't always going to go the way we anticipate and remember that it surprises us often. And I think we need to have a lot more grace for ourselves and for those around us.

On My Mind

I haven't done a very good job of sharing my heart in this space lately.

I think for privacy reasons and for feeling like there are a lot of pieces of my story I can't share, (because part of it involves other people's stories) I've been very nervous to share anything.

So while there are things I can't talk about, there are some things I feel I need to say.

My family suffered a great loss over a year ago. It's something that still hurts and still brings a lot of sad thoughts and feelings. It's something I don't think we will ever fully "get over" and I don't think we are supposed to.

That term "get over" really bothers me. I think we assume that once "enough" time has passed, people should just be able to move on from their hurt feelings. But life isn't that simple. Loss isn't that simple. Hurt and pain are not that simple. The memories don't just disappear. Your love for someone doesn't just go away overnight. The pain may lessen and the memories may not pop up as often, but that doesn't mean we've gotten over it.

A lot of the people I love the most in this world have been and are currently dealing with very painful situations. Separation from loved ones (not by choice), cancer, betrayal, physical ailments, etc. The kinds of things that make one question God's love for His children. While I don't always understand why these situations are happening and while I don't always understand God's ultimate plan for our lives, I can say that I've seen Him evident in every single situation. I can say that I've seen Him mold and change and grow people to look more like Him through these hard times. I can say that I have seen beauty come up from these ashes.

Prayer is one of the things I struggle with the most. It's not that I don't pray, but I'm not very consistent with it. And when I do pray, it's often for someone else or for one of these situations mentioned above. I have a harder time praying for myself, because it sometimes seems selfish when I compare my thoughts and needs to those around me. But I know deep down inside that it's not about whose need is greater, because we all need God. My need for Him is just as great as yours, even if our situations are much different.

And I think that's what He's teaching me the most right now. That my need for Him is not determined by how hard my life is or how ok I might think I am. It's determined by my daily, hourly need of a Savior, of someone to love me and lead me in the direction He wants me to go. I can't and shouldn't try to do life on my own. I need His help and His wisdom and guidance every single second of my life.

My BCBs and I recently finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. While I had read it before in high school and remembered a few things about the story, there was so much that struck me this second time around. The faith and trust that both Corrie and her sister showed was incredible. The way that God used them before, during, and after their time in the concentration camp is so inspiring to me. To be that open and that in tune with God is something I definitely long for. Reading those pages again made me realize just how little my actions reflect my need for a Savior on a daily basis.

So while I may feel like my current situation in life is not as hard as the situations in the lives around me, my need for God is not any less. In the good times and bad, I need my Savior.

On a Soapbox

I'm gonna get on a soapbox here for a minute.

I'm not one to usually do so, as I hate confrontation and I hate stepping on people's toes. But I've seen a lot of things circling around online, and I've heard and had a lot of conversations recently with people about health and exercise...and I feel like something needs to be said that keeps being avoided in these conversations.

But first, here's a little background information.

For those that don't know, I decided to get healthy last year. I've been struggling with chronic neck and back pain for three years now. I have undergone many different tests and procedures and seen lots of different specialists to try and fix what's wrong...and nothing has worked. So I decided to look online and see if there were other things I could do to help myself out. One of the things I discovered was that certain foods that we eat can aggravate or create inflammation in the body. Some of the biggest culprits were preservatives and ingredients found in processed and fast foods. Too much processed sugar and fatty foods can be bad as well. So, I made the decision to change my eating habits to try and improve my condition.

As a result, I was able to lose some weight over a period of six months.

I wasn't perfect in my eating habits and I definitely "cheated" quite a bit, but I stayed away from the majority of the foods that could possibly make me feel worse.

I never looked at it as a diet. I never felt like I was depriving myself of anything. I just replaced some of my favorite foods (Jack in the Box tacos, Coke, ice cream) with some that were a lot better for me (fish, green tea, fruit).

I consulted one of my friends, who is a personal trainer and who has studied a lot about nutrition, on some things I should incorporate into my diet that would be good for my body. I learned to love eating healthier foods and noticed a lot of positive side effects in my life.

Unfortunately, my new healthy habits did not take away my chronic pain and mobility issues.

Since then, I've discovered essential oils and found some that have helped so much with my pain. I used to take 600 mg of ibuprofen every night before bed, just so I could fall asleep comfortably. Now, I just rub on some oils and I'm good to go.

The essential oils company has a candida cleanse program, that is also supposed to help get rid of inflammation in the body. You pair the pills with a strict diet to see if you can get rid of a possible candida overgrowth in your body. Since I thought my pain might be associated with candida, I decided to give it a shot.

Notice anything here? My purpose for changing my eating habits had nothing to do with wanting to be a certain size or wanting to look a certain way. It had everything to do with wanting to be a healthier, pain-free person (of which the latter I still haven't achieved).

Time to get on the soapbox.

I'm seeing a lot of stuff circling around about these "magic" shakes that will help you lose weight or these exercise programs that are supposed to make you look like a body builder. And while all of those things are fine and dandy if you're into that sort of thing, there is a huge problem that I see and hear when most people talk about them: it's all about image.

We live in a world where everyone shares everything on social media. I know way more about people then I would like to. Including oftentimes what they've eaten that day, if they're angry with their spouse, if their cat ruined their new curtains...again, and even the new shoes they just got on clearance. Don't get me wrong, I care about people and I care about what's happening in their lives...but our oversharing on social media can get a bit out of hand.

And one of those areas I feel we have to be extra careful about is concerning our health and our weight. Hear me out: I'm not saying I don't care if you're trying to live a healthier lifestyle, because I do. I'm all about taking care of our bodies, as the Bible calls them our temples, because the Holy Spirit dwells within us. It's important that we take care of ourselves so we can be useful for doing what God has called us to do. What I am saying is that we need to be careful that our desire to be healthy does not become an unhealthy obsession...and that we aren't making people feel bad about themselves.

When I first started to change the way I was eating last year, I used this app to track all the food I was eating. I made sure to enter everything in so I could see that I was eating the right amount of calories and to make sure I wasn't having too much fat or sugar each day. While it was incredibly helpful for me to be able to see all of that, it became too much after awhile. I started worrying more about numbers than about being healthy. So I had to take a step back and stop using it. I had been eating differently for a few months at that point, so I was pretty good at discerning what foods were best and which ones weren't. And let me tell you, it was so freeing not to have to worry about entering in every last food item I ate each day.

I also made a point not to share too much with people about what I was doing. Not because I wasn't excited about getting healthier and taking better care of my body, because I was, but because I didn't want it to be about me. People started to notice that I was losing weight and would make comments. And while of course those comments made me feel good, I didn't want those comments to fuel my life. My only goal was to be healthier to try and help myself feel better and I didn't want people's praise to make me lose sight of that.

I've heard some comments lately from people around me about how they are "fat" or they feel like they need to lose "xx" lbs because they are so "overweight". And while people always say those kinds of things, it makes me nervous when it comes from young girls or after someone's had a conversation with a person who's on a diet. We compare ourselves pretty harshly to those around us; it's human nature. If I'm feeling insecure about myself and a friend tells me that she's never had a zit in her life, it's gonna sting a little and make me feel like crap because I'm 29 and still get zits. If I'm feeling unloved and I overhear someone talking about how happy they are to have lost 5 lbs when they are way tiny to begin with, it just might make me decide I'm fat and need to stop eating for a few weeks to get rid of all this "extra weight" I'm carrying.

I know we can't control other people's actions and I know that sometimes our excitement or passion can make people feel bad without us meaning for that to happen...but we need to be conscience of the people around us. We do need to think when we are in a group of people talking about an accomplishment of any kind, am I going to make someone feel bad for saying this? Our words can wound someone or make someone's mood change in an instant, and we need to be aware of what we are saying.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made...whether we weigh 500 lbs or whether we have skin that never stops breaking out. We are fearfully and wonderfully made...whether our pants still fit or whether we made a big mistake at work. We are fearfully and wonderfully made...whether we feel like we are the ugliest person on the planet or whether we have a bad hair day. We are fearfully and wonderfully made...whether we exercise or not. We are fearfully and wonderfully made...even if we eat McDonald's 24/7.

I'm not trying to call anyone out or make anyone feel bad, as I am so guilty of these things myself. I am sorry for making anyone feel less than because their accomplishments in life might be different than mine...or because I'm excited about something good in my life that you might still be struggling with. I just think we need to think about our audience before we post things on social media. Is it wise to discuss weight loss with young, impressionable girls? Is it ok to make people feel bad because they don't eat healthy foods or exercise as much as we do?

Some things are better left unsaid. And even better, some things are better left off Facebook.

Shifting

I feel like my heart toward blogging is shifting again.

I have had one of the toughest, most emotional years of my life...and it's kept me very closed off. There are many things I don't feel like I can share with the outside world...and yet so many things I wish I could.

I love blogging about what's on my heart and what I'm learning and struggling with, in the hopes that it will help someone else who may need to hear my words. But I also know that some things are just too much or too personal and can't be shared, in spite of what benefit they might have to someone reading them.

Because of this, my blogging has become more sparse...and most of the topics I do choose to write about have become very light and happy.

It has been good...going through this journey and changing and molding and adapting. I don't want to lose my love of writing and sharing my heart...but I also want to be sensitive and mindful of what I'm sharing.

Because I've pulled away so much, I've lost many of the connections I had with other bloggers. I would email other bloggers quite often and comment on their blogs. There were many bloggers I wanted to meet in person and have coffee with someday. I wanted to go to a couple of different blogger conferences, but was never able to afford the cost of getting there. And I've stopped doing many of the weekly link ups I used to enjoy so much.

Sometimes it stings a little to know that I've lost some of these connections, because there are some truly amazing female bloggers out there with incredible hearts. But one thing I noticed about myself when I was constantly trying to connect with these women was that I was disconnecting myself from the real world. I wasn't connecting with the women that were right in front of my face, in my daily life.

So even though it hurts a little to know that I've probably missed out on some amazing opportunities and conversations, I'm very thankful that I identified this problem. I have a hard enough time connecting with the women in my life right now, let alone women I don't even know in person. I need to focus on what's in front of me instead of on what could have been.

Ain't that the story of every area of my life...

With all that said, I really do want to make blogging a bigger part of my life. I spend far too much time wishing I was better at it instead of doing something about it. Like I do with many areas of my life. So, it's time to make a change.

I am excited to share my fall and Christmas inspirations, the pictures of our latest fun trip and all the fun stuff we have planned through the end of the year, and the things on my heart that I feel comfortable sharing.

A new season is quickly approaching (even though the weather would suggest otherwise) and it's time for a new season to begin for me in blogging.

Approval

I was listening to a local radio station in the car on my way home from work today.

The DJ was talking about how social media sites like Facebook and Twitter cause many of us to have this huge desire to be liked or to seek other people's approval. We post statuses, pictures, quotes, and even Scripture verses, hoping to get that notification saying someone liked it or commented on it.

As I sat there listening to him talk, as well as the people who were calling in, I couldn't help but think about how serious of an issue this really can be.

I myself am guilty of this very thing. I used to post status updates all the time or cute pictures I'd taken with my friends. I wanted people to see what I wrote and comment on it. I wanted people to like the pictures I'd taken. I wanted to be liked.

The thing is, this past year, I've really shied away from a lot of that. Not because I don't still have that desire to be liked, but because I've been realizing more and more that not everything I do in life needs to be documented through social media. And, if my only reason for wanting to document it out there is to get someone's approval or make someone to like me better, it's pretty silly in the first place.

I have been learning a lot this year about being true to myself and being real with people. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not or be fake with people. I don't feel like being someone I'm not really benefits anyone in the long run. So with this whole social media thing, if my only reasoning for posting a Scripture verse is to see how many people will read it or like it, instead of posting it because I feel it's important and beneficial for other people, then it's pointless.

In John 12, even after Jesus had performed many miracles and wonders, some of the leaders still didn't want to believe in Him, because they were fearful of what the Pharisees would think.

They loved human praise more than praise from God

(vs. 43)

The thing I'm trying to remember in all of this is that it doesn't really matter what people like or don't like about me. Not everyone will enjoy the same things I do or even think the same way I do. That doesn't matter. The only thing that should matter is how God sees me, and if I'm shining the light of Christ to those around me. I don't want to appear perfect or all put together, because I'm not. I don't want people to think that I have all the answers, because I don't. I want people to see that I try my best to follow Christ the best way I know how, but that I do fail and I do fall. I want people to see me for me, and take it or leave it. I don't want to be so consumed with how someone is going to react to something that I say or do. I want to be able to be myself and not worry about what someone's reaction to that may be.

Paul talks in Galatians 1 about his frustrations with how some people were trying to pervert the Gospel and make it something it was never supposed to be. In the midst of this frustration, he literally says that those who preach a gospel other than the Gospel of Christ should be under God's curse. He then says:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ

(vs. 10)

My hope and prayer for all of us as we get ready to enter into this new year is that we would stop focusing so much on man's approval and only worry about God's. We shouldn't treat social media like we're trying to win a popularity contest. God's opinion is the only one that should matter.

Awake

As I look back on the last three and a half years, I see a lot of different things.

Some good, some bad.

I see the times in my life that I was genuinely happy with my lot and with where God had me...

And I see the times that I seriously wondered if God cared about me at all, because He obviously didn't want me to be happy in life.

A beautiful blogger that I recently discovered just finished sharing her own infertility story on her blog this week.

And, as I read her words, I saw so much of myself in them.

The hurt, the longing, the determination to make it happen when I wanted it to...and then the switch...the brokenness, the crying out to God, the trusting, and the truly letting go.

I have plenty of good days and bad days. This year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

But, one thing has always remained: God is still faithful and He's still trying to get me to stop and listen to Him more.

He spoke loud and clear to me during the message at church this week.

He's been speaking to me a lot through the Bible study I've been doing with a few friends.

He's continuing to speak to me through various conversations I've had with amazing people.

And yet, I still have a hard time listening.

I hear it...boy, do I ever hear it...but I still have a hard time really letting those words sink in.

For so many months, my heart was focused on one thing...and that one thing wasn't my Savior.

Because of that, it's been a hard process trying to train myself to focus back on the One who really matters most.

But I'm still trying.

I'm still seeking Him, and I'm still determined to live my life better for Him...I just know I can't do it without asking for His help and for His strength.

At the women's conference my church had a few weeks back, the speaker kept talking about how we have in us the power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead.

I know that's true...but I definitely don't utilize that power very often. I don't ask for God to move in me with that power very much. I don't ask for that power to change a situation in my life.

But I should.

So, I'm still a mess, a work in progress, a girl who desperately wants to trust Jesus with her whole heart and with her whole life...

I may not be there yet...but I'm working my way toward it...

And, thank God that He hasn't given up on me yet.

The Need for Balance

I have been thinking a lot lately about my heart for this blog and my need for balance.

About a year ago, I sensed major change coming in my life. And it came...and it came...and it came again.

I have been experiencing a lot of change this past year.

Things I never would have expected to happen in my heart have been happening.

And yet, I know there is still that part of me that holds back, that doesn't want to embrace the changes, because I'm too comfortable where I'm at.

I started singing on the worship team at church again, after taking almost a year off. When I first stopped singing, it was kind of nice. My schedule was a lot more free, I didn't feel like I had to be anywhere on Sundays anymore, and I just felt a little relieved, to be honest. I really didn't see myself going back to it. And yet, God called me back. He spoke through a few different people in my life and made it very clear that He wanted me in that role again.

And honestly? It's been a huge blessing.

But, that is only one change I've had to deal with...and that one was pretty painless compared to some of the others.

For someone who has experienced a lot of disappointment and faced the reality that many of my dreams may not turn out the way I hoped, change can be very difficult.

Yet in everything I've been studying, or hearing from other people, or reading about, one thing keeps coming up: life will bring disappointments, I have to make a choice how I'm going to respond to them, and I can't get through them without God's help.

My church hosted a women's conference a few weeks ago. The woman who spoke was a.maz.ing. It was very apparent to me (as well as to every other woman in that room I am sure), that she was speaking God's words that day. Everyone I talked to felt like God was speaking directly to them with the words she was saying. It was that spot on. I honestly had never experienced that in such a powerful way before.

The craziest part? The things she spoke on lined up exactly with what my women's Bible study was going over that week. Taking thoughts captive and not allowing lies and the negative things we tend to believe about ourselves take root. Acknowledging that those thoughts are not of God and learning how to refute them and how to not allow them to creep in so easily. It was so good and so needed.

The part that spoke directly to me was hard to hear, but it made so much sense to me. She made a statement that maybe God is not giving you what you want because you would be satisfied with that and not with Him.

Ouch.

And yet, I know it's true for me. With as many months as it's been since I first longed for a baby, and in spite of all the ways I've grown and all the things I've learned in this process, I know myself...and God knows me, too. I would lose sight of Him. Oh, I would be really happy at first and I would be thanking Him all the time. But how quickly would that fade when that little person came into this world and I had everything that I have been wanting for so long? Would I really need God anymore at that point?

It's really hard for me to type that out, but I'm just being honest. I know my personality and I know I would probably lose sight of God pretty quickly in the midst of all of that. Not that I would completely turn my back and never follow Him again...but He would definitely be a lot lower on the totem pole.

(this picture makes my heart melt)

My heart for this blog for the last few years has been to share my story...all the good, the bad, and the ugly...because maybe God will use my words to speak to one of you. Maybe the things I've gone through or the things I'm still struggling with will encourage you to walk closer to Him and to trust Him more.

That is still my heart.

I've just realized this past year that I need a lot more balance in my life. It's really easy to get caught up in this blog world and lose sight of the people that are right in front of you. I could easily spend hours each day reading blog post after blog post, emailing different bloggers back and forth, and writing post after post after post. And, there is nothing wrong with that...it just doesn't work for me. My husband needs more of my attention, my real life friends need to connect with me and I need to connect with them, my family needs to see my face and hear my voice, and most importantly, I need to spend quality time with my God.

So while I will still be here and I will still share my heart, my encouragement to myself, as well as to all of you, is to spend time with those that are important. I need a hug just like the next girl, and unfortunately, those don't come through the computer screen. I know I can still be a blogger and be a part of those important relationships in my life: it just takes a willingness to make both happen.

And, I promise you...I am willing and ready to do both...and to do them to the best of my ability.

Some Honesty

I remember a time last year that I felt I needed to start blogging the way the "big bloggers" were.

I wanted people to enjoy my blog, and I thought that meant I needed to do fashion posts or lots of Pinterest-inspired DIYs for people to want to read my blog.

But I realized in the midst of trying to figure out how to do those things that they weren't for me.

I love reading those posts and looking at the cute outfits fashion bloggers put together...but let's be real...I'm never gonna be that girl...especially considering half of the clothes in my closet I've had for at least five years. I love clothes and I like looking cute just as much as the next girl...but not for anyone else's benefit. I like looking cute because it makes me feel better. So, if I were to do fashion posts (and I honestly don't think I ever would), I think I would get too caught up in what other people thought of my outfits, and I would lose a part of myself.

As crafty as I might be at times, I'm just not a constant DIY-er. I love Pinterest and I love going on there to look for new things to do, or for decoration ideas...but I haven't even done a quarter of the things I've pinned. It's just not something I'm super passionate about...and I think that's ok.

I was reading through this post that Ilene wrote and it resonated deep within me. I started blogging to record some of the things that were going on in my life at the time and some of the things God was teaching me. I wrote because I loved writing and I wanted an outlet to express that love. I started reading blogs of people I didn't know in real life, and I found some that truly inspired me to be a better person. I then started reading all sorts of different blogs, including fashion and crafty blogs.

I love the variety I have in what I read. I love the fact that I was asked to guest post on a blog about my struggle with infertility because I emailed that beautiful blogger and shared a piece of my heart with her. I love the comments and emails I've shared back and forth between many different bloggers. I love the relationships between other bloggers that I've watched develop, between people who wouldn't know each other if it weren't for blogging. I love the encouragement and inspiration I find every day from reading the words that other people write.

I just don't want what everyone else is doing to define what I do.

God gave me a voice, and I need to use that voice the only way I know how...by being me.

So, as much as I love and admire the bloggers who aren't like me, I have to remember that as long as I'm being true to myself, I'm blogging the right way.

Explanation

2012 has been one of the most interesting years of my life.

As I look back on the past couple of years, they've seemed to revolve around some sort of major event.

2010, I was in the midst of being the crazy, desperate, I have to get pregnant soon or else I will blow up woman. Once I realized that was who I had become, and allowed myself to truly open up to the possibility of letting go of my control to God, my whole year changed from then on out. I was seeking His will a whole lot more than I was seeking my own.

2011, I was still having my ups and downs with not being pregnant yet, but God was bringing opportunities my way and allowing me to experience different things in life that caused my whole outlook on that longed for experience to change. I finally had a peace, in the midst of the confusion and hurt, with living in the now and not looking forward to the future so much that I missed out on what was right in front of me.
2011 also brought me two new nieces, and with that, a lot of happiness, sadness, some very scary times, and some tearful praises to God for keeping my family safe. As the first of those two nieces is soon to be a year old, I've been reminded of God's faithfulness and protection in the midst of that time. He definitely makes strength from fear.

2012...well, I'm still figuring that one out.

As some of you may have noticed, my blog posts have dropped off significantly this year. Every time I would sit down to write something, no words would come. That's why my postings have been very limited, because when something would come to mind, I would write it down quickly and post it as fast as I could. I just haven't been experiencing that very often these days. It was making me sad for awhile, until I really started to reflect a little on this year.

This year has forced me to really examine myself, and try to figure out who I really am. It seems weird to be in the later months of 27 and still not have it all figured out...but it's where I'm at. I've tried to figure out where my passions really lie and what sorts of things I'm really good at, to try and see what it is that God would have me do long term in life...or if there even is anything long term I'm supposed to be doing.

While I definitely do not have all of the answers, I have learned a few things about myself this year.

Yet, I don't feel the need to share many of those things in this space.

What I do feel comfortable sharing is this:

I know I am called to work with women (not a specific age group, but women in general. In the past few years, I've lead or been involved in groups with teenage girls, college-aged women, and women who were relatively the same age that I am). That is one thing that has continually come up in the midst of all of my prayers, and in different conversations I've had with people. It's pretty safe to say that God is calling you to something when you aren't the only one who sees it. Many different people have told me this very thing. While I'm still figuring out what it all means and how it all will look long term, I am seizing the opportunities that have been put in front of me, and am pursuing some really amazing things at the moment.

I also feel that my heart has changed a lot this year. God has really been stretching me and growing me in ways I honestly never thought possible before. Even the fact that I am more open and ready for change is a huge thing for me. I was always a bit freaked out by it before.

But, the one thing that has held me together in the midst of all the chaos and confusion has been the fact that I know God has an amazing plan for my life, and the fact that I have a wonderful support system of friends and family who truly care about me. And, I definitely wouldn't have it any other way.

So, my apologies go out for not being more diligent in this space. I know God has used it for many different purposes, and He has used my words in situations that I have no idea about. My hope and prayer is that I will find my voice again for this space, and that it will become an encouraging place again for those who visit it.

May you find rest in God and His promises this week.

Failure

I fail way more often than I'd like to.

In fact, I sat down with a couple of other women yesterday and apologized to them for my failings.

It's really easy to get caught up in my own selfish wants and desires and forget that there are other people out there that are watching me...or need me...or desire to have a different relationship with me.

And, until I can get to the point where I start actually seeing people and where they are at, I'm never going to stop looking only at myself.

We were talking with our college group this week about how many times we fail in God's eyes, too. We constantly let Him down, and rebel against Him, and choose our own way instead of His.


But, the beauty of God? He forgives us, He still loves us, and He doesn't remember our failings. He doesn't hold them against us and He sees us through the eyes of His Son, Jesus.

I am so thankful I serve a God who still loves me in spite of me.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
(Romans 8:28, 31-32, 1-2 NIV)

Ways to Encourage

While I was not one of the lucky ones who was able to attend Blog Sugar this weekend, I have been blessed to read the many posts on various social networking sites about how much it impacted those who did attend.

It seems the common theme most women came away with was that of being honest and sharing your story on your blog...no matter how many people read it. Everyone has something to share.

One of my favorite verses, that I've used many times on my blog, is this:

"Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
(Galatians 6:2, NIV)

How can we do that if we aren't honest with each other?

The greatest way you can encourage others is by sharing your real self...your imperfections, your victories, your hard days, and your days filled with joy. We all need to see the good and the bad.

If you want to hear more about this, check out these blog posts:

Casey
Jamie
Rachel
Alyss


Some other ways to encourage those around you?

April over at Gingerbread is hosting a Journal Exchange. You can be as creative as you want with the journal you purchase/make. I think it would be so cool to either buy a journal with Scripture verses and encouraging sayings throughout...or to add them in! What an awesome way to be a daily encouragement to someone else! For more info, click here.



Another way is through my Secret Sister Blog Party. Sign ups start this Saturday, October 1st! Read this post for more details. I will be posting a link for the sign up form on Saturday. If you'd like it emailed to you, send me an email: breeann {dot} findingrefuge {at} gmail {dot} com



<a href="http://breeannbowers.blogspot.com/2011/09/secret-sister-blog-party-2011.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1107.photobucket.com/albums/h383/breeannbowers/christmas32.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" /></a><br />

We all need encouragement. Let's do our best to encourage those we encounter this week.

Some Days...

Some days, I'd just be happy to have some answers.

I was exhausted yesterday...like, com.plete.ly exhausted. I had to force myself out of bed...and I was fighting to keep my eyes open by 3pm. I ended up taking a nap for about an hour. And, the only thing I could think of was, "Wouldn't it be nice if I was pregnant so I would have a reason for being so tired?"

Of course, that is not the case.

But, it still would have been nice to be able to use that as an excuse.

Then, there was last night.

I couldn't fall asleep. I was trying so hard...but I probably didn't fall asleep until about 3am...and continued tossing and turning the rest of the night.

You'd think I'd be exhausted today.

But no...of course not. It's after midnight and I'm still wide awake.

Some days, I'd really like to use pregnancy as the reason for abnormal things.

Such is life...



Some days, I'd also really like to be superwoman.

I want to be the type of woman that actually enjoys cooking dinner for her husband...because I don't enjoy it. Thank goodness he likes to cook!



Some days, I'd also like to have a laundry folding fairy.

(Come on, you know you want one, too)



But, most of all, some days, I'd like to wake up, eager to spend some time in the Word.

Scratch that...

I'd like that to be my desire every morning.


Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."
(John 6:35, NIV)

This is what I want to long for each day...

Motivation

Some days, I have such a hard time getting motivated to do anything.

Today was one such day.

I'm going to blame it on the fact that we just got back from camping yesterday...and that I was still super tired and worn out. But, I'm not sure that's a valid excuse...

One of the things we did on our camping trip was read through the book of Philippians. We were instructed to read each chapter on our own, so we could go over it altogether in the mornings and evenings. Since we arrived on the camping trip a day and a half later than everyone else, we were a little behind on our reading. I got to spend some quality time reading through chapter 3 with some wonderful women on Saturday afternoon while most of the others on the trip went hiking or rock climbing.

I've read Philippians more than once in my life...but every time I read it, I get more out of it (as is the case when I read anything in the Bible more than once). This section really struck me:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
(Philippians 2:1-4, NIV)

It makes me feel like a failure when I have these days where I'm just not motivated to do anything. I'm supposed to be looking out for others and considering them better than myself. How am I going to do that if I am barely functioning?

I want to figure out a way to recoup from things, while also giving myself the opportunity to be there for someone if they need me. I don't want to be so wiped out from something that I can't even focus on other people.

This is the prayer I want to be praying for those in my life:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
(Philippians 1:9-11, NIV)

And, how am I going to start thinking like that? By doing this:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
(Philippians 4:8, NIV)

I hope I start having more motivation for doing the things that are right and noble.


(Oh, and I kind of failed in the photo department this weekend. I did not pull out my camera once to take a pic. So, sorry for the lack of pictures. I really do need to get better at this)

On My Heart...

Oh dear...this is gonna be a tough one.

One of my favorite bloggers is starting a new series on Fridays called What Is On Your Heart. Casey is wanting people to feel comfortable being vulnerable and talking about what is truly going on in their hearts. While not everything on our hearts may be hard to talk about, some of it will be. But, I've felt very challenged this year to share other people's burdens...and I guess it's time to share one of mine.

I read a blog about a week ago by another of my favorite bloggers. Kyle wrote about something very personal about herself that she is trying to overcome. It made me think about something I've struggled with for quite some time now...that I feel creep up in some occasions...and when it does, it totally freaks me out. It takes me back to the day it started...which is a day I don't like to remember. At all.

I like hanging out with people and having friends...but I always have this nagging fear in the back of my mind. I either feel like I'm boring or that my friends are someday going to stop being my friends or that they will find much sweeter, wiser people to hang out with instead of me. I think the majority of this fear comes from the fact that when I was in jr. high, my "best" friend at the time had a sleepover for her birthday...and some of her other friends that I didn't really know were there, too. I remember them asking me if I liked telling scary stories and I told them I wasn't allowed to...and they all started laughing so hard at me (including my "best" friend), and they started calling me a baby. I was mortified. I burst into tears and curled up in a ball on the bed, wishing I could be anywhere but there. But, I was too scared to call my parents and have them come pick me up, so I pretended to sleep as the girls continued to talk about ridiculous things.

Because of that, I feel like I constantly have this fear that people will think I'm ridiculous or stupid eventually. So I think I guard myself too much in friendships...or I kind of exclude myself from things so that I won't get too hurt. I'd rather sit on the sidelines and listen to other people talk than give my opinion and have people look at me like I'm crazy. It's such a hard thing to live with. I feel sort of threatened when my friends start hanging out with someone new...because I'm so afraid they'll like that person so much more than me and stop hanging out with me altogether. Ridiculous feelings, I know...but it's what I struggle with.

I'm even feeling very insecure about typing that, especially the part about being slightly threatened by my friends having new friends. I don't want people to think I'm rude or clingy or crazy...it's just truly a fear of mine.

And, I think this is the first time I've admitted it to anyone (well, besides Kyle. I sent her an e-mail about this after I read her blog).

I'm so freaked out about putting myself out there this much...but like I said earlier, I know it's important to share our burdens.

I don't know what is going to come about from this blog, but I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to feel like they have to change how they act around me. This is something I need to work on and get over...and I don't want people to feel like they have to tiptoe around me because of it. I seriously love and cherish every single one of my friends. They are amazing and have never done anything to intentionally make me feel this way...I just feel this way of my own accord often. But, I guess admitting it out loud means people can hold me accountable to this...and ask me how I'm doing with it. And, I know God can use this for His good...and I'm definitely ok with that.

So, that's what has been on my heart lately...

If you have something you need to share with someone, I am definitely here for you.

Honesty is the Best Policy

I came across this blog today.

And, it really got me thinking about something I've been talking to a lot of women about lately. Why is it that we try so hard to put on these perfect faces and pretend like everything is ok with us? Why are we so nervous about being real and vulnerable, because someone may not like what we have to say? Why are we so focused on keeping our pains and hurts and pasts a secret, instead of sharing them with others who may be dealing with the same things?
I am so guilty of this. Even with this blog. I share some personal things about myself...but there are many things I keep a secret. Why? Because I don't want someone to think less of me, or think I'm crazy, or give me crap about it later. Is that any way to live our lives? How are we ever going to reach out to people, and be truly effective in doing so, if we give off the impression that we have everything together 24/7?
I was so nervous about this blog post. Why? Because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I truly didn't want to offend anyone, so I think that was a valid reason for being nervous about it...but I was also worried that some people in my life may not agree with me, and think badly of me because of it. It's so silly! Why do we care so much about what people think of us, that we're afraid to be honest?
It's time to start being ourselves. It's time to start living our lives, exposing the not-so-pretty things, in order to encourage others to do the same. We are all imperfect, we all have flaws, pasts, hurts, struggles, and bad days. We all need the encouragement of other people in our lives...and we all need to be pointed back towards God on a daily basis. If we're always telling people we are "fine", no one is going to feel the need to encourage us. It's time to start being real!