Moving Forward

We are already over halfway into January 2019.

It's crazy writing that out that way.

I'm still in shock that 2018 is over and we're almost a month into 2019 already.

2018 ended with me feeling a little scattered and like some things were half finished. I got to do just about everything I wanted to experience around Christmastime and we got to spend a lot of time with loved ones in December, but then I got sick. I think that's why things felt the way they did. I wanted so badly to take that time after Christmas to start organizing my house and my life and get into a better routine. But instead I spent 4 days on the couch, trying to rest so my cold didn't turn into anything worse.

I'm not saying that the resting was bad or that I should have been doing more, but I often beat myself up a little if I rest too much and don't get enough done. Or at least, enough by my own standards.

I didn't get to plan out my goals for 2019 like I wanted to. I didn't get to sit down and really think on 2018 like I wanted to.

And yet, life moves forward. And so do I.

As I type this, it sounds so silly and so petty. Not being able to spend time reflecting and dreaming. But in the moment, it felt like such a big deal.

If you know anything about the enneagram, I'm a 9. Part of being a 9 means that I often stuff my feelings down to keep the peace or because I don't want to deal with the pain or whatever other emotion it brings up. We 9's don't like to rock the boat.

So my being frustrated about not being able to do those things was actually a sign to me of trying to work through my struggles. I shared a little bit in this space about some of the things I've been learning about myself in the past 6ish months. One thing I'm trying to do more of is allowing myself to feel things.

For instance, I re-watched Gilmore Girls for like the 6th or 8th or 10th time (I've seen it a lot). And I re-watched A Year in the Life for the third time (maybe the 4th?). Watching the final episode, I could feel that ball in my throat getting harder and harder as my eyes welled up with tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to fully cry. But I took some deep breaths as I watched the show and I let them come. And that ball in my throat got lighter and lighter. I probably cried for about 10 minutes. And it felt good.

I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to really feel things. I think feeling it, living in it for as long as it takes, is essential for me. I don't want to keep bottling everything up inside. So even things that seem insignificant or petty (like not being able to spend time reflecting on 2018) need to be felt and worked through.

So as we move into 2019, I'm determined to keep working on giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel. The word I chose for 2019 was Rise. I'm ready to rise up, to rise above, to raise my head and feel. And I want to help those around me to do the same.



*****


For the past 10 years, I've made a point to make a collage of some of my favorite pictures and memories of the year before. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse into 2018. I'm excited to see where 2019 takes me!

Some December Thoughts

I am so behind on blog posts and feel like I'm behind on life in general these days.

I'm not sure when life kicked into this high of a gear, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this week.

It's December 12th. Christmas is 13 days away. And yes, we got all of our Christmas shopping done. And yes, we've watched some Christmas movies and done some fun Christmas activities. And yes, our house is decorated (I'm staring at my lit up Christmas tree right now). And yes, the majority of our Christmas cards have been sent out or delivered to the people receiving them. But I still feel like something is missing.

There's so much talk of Christmas plans and where we are going when. My brain already hurts just thinking about it. I really just want a morning, or an afternoon, or some chunk of time over the Christmas weekend to have some time alone with Josh, so that we can do our own Christmas at home.

And I've been doing a lot of vendor events. I did 5 within the first week of December. I've got 1, possibly 2 more coming up this month.

I just feel tired. And like I'm whining. I'm really not meaning to, though. I really just want to take some time and think about why we celebrate Christmas. What does it all mean? Why do we spend all this time buying the perfect gifts and then wrapping them? Why does our calendar instantly fill up when December rolls around? Where does Jesus fit into all of it?

I love Christmas. Don't get me wrong. It's my absolute favorite holiday. It always has been. There's something about all the colorful lights everywhere and the songs and the joy of spending time with loved ones.

But I want it to be more than just a fun, busy month this year.

It's really easy to lose sight of Jesus. I've been doing it all month. I've been so worried about everything we've had on our calendar and all the things we've needed to buy, that I've kind of forgotten what all of it means. Or what all of it should mean.

I want to give gifts because it's a small reflection of the love I have for someone, and because Jesus gave us the ultimate gift by dying on the cross for our sins, not because I feel like I need to or have to. I want to do fun events with the people I care about because I enjoy their company and who they are in my life, not because it's just something we've always done or because I'm fulfilling an obligation. I want to watch Christmas movies and listen to certain Christmas songs because they make me feel happy and nostalgic, not because I want to make sure to check those off a list of things I've done this holiday season.

And so I've decided to take some time out this month to focus on the reason why this season is so special. I want to spend some time studying and reading the Word: the prophecies about Jesus's coming, His birth and what He brought to our world. I want to spend some time thinking about and expressing my appreciation and love for the people in my life. All too often we take people for granted or assume they know how we feel. And I want to spend some time examining my heart and my life to really figure out what this new year is going to look like for me. It's something I enjoy doing at the end of every year and I think it's really important for me. It helps me to be able to set my focus on some specific goals and helps me to keep myself accountable to them.

I'm also determined to make sure that Josh and I get to spend some time together as our little family of 2. I don't talk very often on this space anymore about our journey and where we've come from, but at this moment in time, we are both content and happy to be just the two of us. I know a lot of people (and it's not really anyone's fault, it's just kind of the way our society is) assume that we aren't a family because we don't have kids. But we are a family and our time together is just as important as it would be if we had 4 kids. We have been married for almost 10 years now and this will be our 13th Christmas together. We got engaged on Christmas Eve almost 11 years ago. This time of year is very important to both of us and I don't want this time to pass by without us getting to acknowledge all that it means to us as a couple and individually.

My hope is that all of us would be able to take some time out in the next two weeks and really reflect on this month, this year and our lives. Don't let the busyness or the obligations or whatever else it may be keep you from enjoying this time of year.

Holding On

Life has been full of disappointments lately.

If I would have written this blog post last week, like I was thinking about doing, it probably would have come off pretty bitter and down.

The more I've been thinking about everything, the more I've been realizing I can't let myself get so down about this stuff.

Because it's people letting me down...and we all know people are famous for that.

But, there is One who never lets me down...and I just need to keep my eyes fixed on Him.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
(Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV)

While I am by no means terrified or afraid of anyone, I just love the message of this verse. No matter how I'm being treated by people, or how often people disappoint me, God is always with me. He will never leave me.

And that, my friends, is something I can hold onto this week.

(Of course, I am also holding onto this one this week...literally)

Hoochy Mamas and the Mamas Who Raise Them

This may be my boldest, most controversial post yet.

But, somebody's gotta say something.

Winter formal where I live was this last weekend. Since it was my birthday weekend, we saw some people out and about getting ready for formal...and saw lots of pictures posted on FB from students we know from church (mostly). I must admit, I was pretty shocked by almost every picture I saw. When did winter formal dresses go from being floor length and elegant, to barely covering booties and tatas? And, when did the parents of those little hoochy mamas decide this was acceptable attire for 14-18 year old girls to wear??
It reminds me of a blog I wrote last year about the role models our young girls are looking up to. Is this epidemic a result of the Disney channel and Nickelodeon? Or, have we all just become so blind to what is decent and right that whatever is popular is ok with us?
I remember shopping for a prom dress. You would rarely find some little short number. All the dresses were long and beautiful and made a girl feel like a princess for the night. Of course, there were the low-cut ones and the ones with the cut out sides...but they seemed to be the minority. I was even talking with a friend at church last night who ran into some of the formal-bound teens herself...and totally agreed with me on how different things were when we were in high school and attending dances.
Now, please don't hear this as being judgmental. I have no clue what runs through any of these girls' minds or the minds of their parents. I honestly just don't understand how a parent could allow his/her daughter out of the house with half her chest bared in a dress that she can't even sit in without showing all her goods. It makes me sad...because I remember being a young girl and hating the looks or comments I got from certain guys. Do these girls and their parents not understand what runs through the minds of the boys that escorted them to the dance...or even all the others that will be at the dance? Do they not understand what this verse means?:

You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
(Matthew 5:27-30 NIV)

How can these boys NOT look lustfully at these girls when they dress like this?

I would hate to be a stumbling block for a brother in Christ...and to aid in him committing adultery.

What is wrong with our society, and us as individuals, that even followers of Christ see nothing wrong with this?

I am by no means perfect...and I did buy into the lie of showing off my body at one point in my life...but it just saddens me to no end that our beautiful, young girls are buying into the same lie...and that our young boys are constantly stumbling.

Sorry if this post offended anyone...I just had to get it out. Feel free to comment however you'd like. I will not be offended.

Reasons Not To...

I've been writing these daily blogs about why I love Christmas.

No surprise there, right?

And yet, this morning, I started to realize that there are some things that make me sad or make me not like it so much. So, here's the other side for you...

1. The fact that my Grandpa is no longer alive to celebrate with us. My grandpa passed away 4 years ago on November 16th. That first Christmas was really hard for all of us...but we pulled together and made sure we celebrated together. Since then, our Christmas celebrations have been non-existent. Everyone is doing their own thing now and we no longer get together with the whole family. It makes me sad. I know most of us grandkids are married now and have more family to celebrate with...but it still bums me out that our family celebrations kind of fell apart when my grandpa died.

2. Drama. 'Nuff said.

3. The commercialism of it all. I love giving and getting presents. Don't get me wrong. It's fun to surprise people...and be surprised. But, that is not the reason behind Christmas. And, even if it was...our society has made too big a deal out of spending TONS of money on people. I can't believe how many people are willing to go into major debt to get their family and friends these amazingly expensive gifts. I'm all about the thought behind it. A handmade card from a friend means so much more to me than anything anyone could possibly buy me. And again, I'm not saying I hate gifts...because I love them very much. I am just saying that you don't have to spend a lot of money on someone for them to appreciate your gift. There's no need to stress out or feel bad about Christmas gifts...or the lack of them. This time of year is all about celebrating Christ's birth...and doing so with the ones you love.

4. The refusal to say "Merry Christmas". I already mentioned this in my blog yesterday, but seriously...I hate how much people are afraid to offend others these days. I understand...some things we say can truly offend someone. But, "Merry Christmas"? I just don't get that one...

5. How rude people can get these time of year. Seriously. I worked retail. I understand both sides. Yes, it sucks to wait in long lines when you're trying to get your shopping done...but it's not the fault of those people behind the counter. It's no one's fault, really. There are many of us that procrastinate and do our shopping last minute...or those that truly only have time off work to go shopping in the final few days before Christmas. We're all trying to accomplish the same thing: get our shopping done. But those people behind the counters? They deserve some respect and some sympathy. Think about it. If you are rude to them, they are likely to be rude to the person behind you in line, and the cycle continues. Why can't we all just be nice and spread Christmas cheer to those we come in contact with? I appreciate retail workers so much more now that I've experienced their pain. I HATED working the Christmas season at Hallmark. We wrapped gifts for free...so many people would ask for their purchases to be wrapped. Many were patient and caring, while others would have 15 things they needed to have wrapped...and wanted them all done and ready to go in 5 minutes. It's hard to be nice to someone who's irritated with you or talking badly about you. And yes, there are people who will talk badly about your wrapping job or your ringing up skills right in front of your face...when you're doing nothing wrong. Ugh. My point is...just be nice to those in the stores. They are just doing their job.

So, there you go...my top 5 reasons why I don't love Christmas.

No Stress, No Stress, No Stress...

Yep.

It's true.

The main source of stress in my life will be gone Friday afternoon at 12:30pm.



I am no longer employed.

And the crazy thing is? I'm not sad.

My blog yesterday should explain that very well.

But really...I thought I would be more emotional about the news...but the only emotion I felt was anger.
My employers have apparently known since November that my assignment would be ending this week. And apparently, one of them was supposed to let me know...and never did. Wonderful, right? I am beyond frustrated about this. Who does that? The only reason I found out about it was because my husband happened to have a conversation with someone today that knew about it...and assumed he and I both knew about it as well. Oh so lovely...
I am not usually a very confrontational person...but these people are getting an e-mail from me. I think it is totally irresponsible to end someone's assignment without telling them. What if Josh hadn't talked to that person today? Would I have ever been told? Or would I have shown up to work in January, only to look like an idiot to everyone at the school who knew I wasn't supposed to be there?

Sigh.

All frustration aside, it's kind of a relief. I don't have to worry about overprotective parents or being told "no" by a little girl or visits from different people who all have different ideas on how I should do my job. Maybe the next time I go to get a massage, my neck won't have as many knots in it.
I'm really trying to look at it as a blessing. God has a plan for me...and that plan is to prosper me and not to harm me...that plan is to give me a hope and a future. My future just obviously doesn't involve working with this little girl anymore.
I will miss the teacher...and the students...and the little girl a bit. She really is usually a sweet kid. And, many of the kids in the other classes know me by name and come up and say hi to me every day. I will miss that part.
But man...the good outweighs the bad on this one for me. God's got something better out there for me...whatever it may be...and I am excited to see where He is going to take Josh and I because of this.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

Side note: Does anyone else remember that book?

Such describes my day at work today. I got to work and waited outside the gate, like I always do, for the little girl I work with to show up. Today, I waited...and waited...and waited... Last Monday, the same thing happened. I waited until the bell rang and then I went up to the classroom...only to find out she had a fever and wasn't coming to school that day. So, even though I was a little frustrated that I'd been standing outside in the cold for 25 minutes for no reason, I did get paid for 2 hours...AND I wasn't feeling very good, so I was happy to be heading back home. I didn't get so lucky today.
Her mom typically comes and volunteers in her class every Monday. When she does that, she usually walks her in from the office. But, she's normally there at least 15 minutes before school starts. I kept looking at my clock this morning, getting a little excited about the possibility of being able to go home and hop back into bed for a bit. Three minutes before the bell rang, I saw her and her mom walking towards me from the office. I admit, my heart sank a little.

That was just the start of my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day...

It got worse.

She was SUPER distracted by her mom being in the classroom. I haven't seen her that distracted in over a month. And, it didn't help that her mom was walking around the classroom, helping the other kids with their work. She kept trying to get her mom's attention, completely ignoring her own work and what I was telling her to do. It got so bad, in fact, that she refused to read to me. She crossed her arms and said, "No. I'm not doing it." This is not normal behavior for her. She doesn't tell me no when I ask her to do something. Ever. It's something she just started doing last Friday. I don't know if it's because she had a sub for a couple of days or what...but it's definitely getting worse, not better.
But the worst part about it is that she listens to EVERYONE else. Her peers, the teacher, her mom...anyone that told her to do the same thing I'd just told her to do, she listened to. It seriously made me really frustrated. I kept thinking, If she was my kid, she would be in SO much trouble... I had to walk away and give up a couple of times, just to get my emotions under control. I don't want to lash out at her accidentally. I don't want to frustrate her even more by showing my anger to her. I went up to the teacher a couple of times and told her she wasn't listening. The teacher would go right up to her and ask her to do her work...and she'd do it.
This continued throughout the rest of the day. It seemed that whenever she was bored or "done" with whatever we were doing, she'd cross her arms and tell me no again. I seriously left work super stressed out. Thankfully, I had a massage appointment scheduled for this afternoon (thank You, Jesus, for timing that one out perfectly!). I had a LOT of knots in my upper back that needed to be worked out...all due to stress and work, I'm sure.
I know I shouldn't let a 6 year old girl get me so frustrated...but knowing how sweet and even tempered she normally is...just makes this that much harder. She's never been defiant before. She has always listened to me and done what I've told her to do...even if it takes her a little while to do it.
I am really hoping things will be better tomorrow. The teacher is going to email her mom and let her know what's been going on. I really want to see that sweet little girl again tomorrow...not the monster I've been seeing lately. I really want this last week of work before break to be fun...not dreadful...

Ugh.

The joys of working again.

I really do feel blessed to have this job. I do enjoy it...most days. Today was just the worst day I've had so far. It tested my patience, my willpower, and my grace level. God, give me the strength to deal with whatever comes the rest of this week!!

Spinning in Circles

I feel crazy sometimes.
Not literally like a crazy person...but just like there must be something to explain away why my life is so busy all the time...or why I feel so overwhelmed.
I don't know if this all started when I started working again...or if it's this time of year...or if it's just dawning on me how crazy my life really is.
I made a commitment to make some phone calls this week...and I've had the stuff to make the calls since Monday...and I still haven't made them. It's not because I've been sitting around doing nothing all day and just lost track of time. I have had no time. And, when I finally do have the time, it's after 8pm, and that is definitely not a good time to make calls.
I got asked to do something else today that I would love to do...but I just don't have the time to do it. I feel horrible saying no, especially when it's helping someone else out, but sometimes I just have to.
I guess I am realizing that I can't spread myself too thin. I can't do everything. As much as I act like I'm Super Woman sometimes...and trust me, I definitely put the cape on some days...I'm not. I can't be in three places at once...doing three different things. I can't help everyone...as much as it pains me not to. I can't always do the fun stuff...the not so fun stuff has to get done, too.
But then I wonder if I'm filling my life with the right things...or if I'm feeling this way because I am overwhelmed with the things I'm doing...because I shouldn't be doing them. Do I have my priorities right? Am I doing the things God wants me to do...or the things I want to do...or think I should do?
I don't have an answer. I don't have the perfect solution. I just know that this has been plaguing me this week...and I want, somehow, some way, to be able to change something.

I just don't know how...

God, please help me.

Changes

2010 has definitely proven to be a year full of changes...and we're only in the four month!
I have already spent many fun hours this year listening to my friends and family talking excitedly about the changes taking place in their lives...new places to live, new relationships, babies on the way, new jobs, new and repaired relationships with God...it's so exciting to me! I love hearing about these changes and being able to be a part of them.
It has me thinking about the changes I've personally experienced in the last year and the changes I need to continue to experience. So many times, I find myself either being worried about things I can't and shouldn't worry about, being frustrated and upset at the actions of others that I cannot change, or pre-judging people without truly knowing who they are or why they act the way they do. I am more aware of these faults in myself as I'm learning more and more of what it means to truly follow Christ and live the way He wants me to. I'm learning to bite my tongue when I so desperately want to react to something someone says to me that I do not agree with or think is wrong. I'm learning the right way to respond to those situations, even if it means a confrontation is in order.
I'm also learning more of what it means to be a Godly wife. I always think I'm doing a good job, but then I get slapped across the face with a Godly truth that I have not been living out. I've been getting a lot of slaps from God like that lately...and I'm glad. I definitely need them.
We have been going through James in both my Wednesday Bible study and the college group Josh and I lead. We went through the first part of chapter 4 last week, which hits me so hard in so many different ways. One part that really stands out to me is:
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? (vs. 11-12)
I know there are many times, whether I am reading something someone posted on Facebook or listening to someone talk to me in person, when I instantly judge what they said. Sometimes it is for selfish reasons that I judge, while other times it is because I think what they are saying does not line up with what God would want. But no matter why I judge, I know I shouldn't react when I first read or hear something. Whether what someone is doing is wrong or not, my first reaction will probably always be more hurtful than helpful. I have to step back and think about what the right response would be...whether I should even open my mouth or not. Just as it says earlier in James:
With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (3:9-10)
I do not want to praise God and then say something horrible about someone. I want my words to come from God, to be the things He'd want me to say, not the things I think should be said. Sometimes that will mean that I will need to confront someone in love, while other times it will mean just keeping my mouth shut and pushing the feelings aside. Whatever the result, I have to learn to go to God first before I react.
Being a grown-up is no fun sometimes. But other times, it is such a fun ride.