Explanation

2012 has been one of the most interesting years of my life.

As I look back on the past couple of years, they've seemed to revolve around some sort of major event.

2010, I was in the midst of being the crazy, desperate, I have to get pregnant soon or else I will blow up woman. Once I realized that was who I had become, and allowed myself to truly open up to the possibility of letting go of my control to God, my whole year changed from then on out. I was seeking His will a whole lot more than I was seeking my own.

2011, I was still having my ups and downs with not being pregnant yet, but God was bringing opportunities my way and allowing me to experience different things in life that caused my whole outlook on that longed for experience to change. I finally had a peace, in the midst of the confusion and hurt, with living in the now and not looking forward to the future so much that I missed out on what was right in front of me.
2011 also brought me two new nieces, and with that, a lot of happiness, sadness, some very scary times, and some tearful praises to God for keeping my family safe. As the first of those two nieces is soon to be a year old, I've been reminded of God's faithfulness and protection in the midst of that time. He definitely makes strength from fear.

2012...well, I'm still figuring that one out.

As some of you may have noticed, my blog posts have dropped off significantly this year. Every time I would sit down to write something, no words would come. That's why my postings have been very limited, because when something would come to mind, I would write it down quickly and post it as fast as I could. I just haven't been experiencing that very often these days. It was making me sad for awhile, until I really started to reflect a little on this year.

This year has forced me to really examine myself, and try to figure out who I really am. It seems weird to be in the later months of 27 and still not have it all figured out...but it's where I'm at. I've tried to figure out where my passions really lie and what sorts of things I'm really good at, to try and see what it is that God would have me do long term in life...or if there even is anything long term I'm supposed to be doing.

While I definitely do not have all of the answers, I have learned a few things about myself this year.

Yet, I don't feel the need to share many of those things in this space.

What I do feel comfortable sharing is this:

I know I am called to work with women (not a specific age group, but women in general. In the past few years, I've lead or been involved in groups with teenage girls, college-aged women, and women who were relatively the same age that I am). That is one thing that has continually come up in the midst of all of my prayers, and in different conversations I've had with people. It's pretty safe to say that God is calling you to something when you aren't the only one who sees it. Many different people have told me this very thing. While I'm still figuring out what it all means and how it all will look long term, I am seizing the opportunities that have been put in front of me, and am pursuing some really amazing things at the moment.

I also feel that my heart has changed a lot this year. God has really been stretching me and growing me in ways I honestly never thought possible before. Even the fact that I am more open and ready for change is a huge thing for me. I was always a bit freaked out by it before.

But, the one thing that has held me together in the midst of all the chaos and confusion has been the fact that I know God has an amazing plan for my life, and the fact that I have a wonderful support system of friends and family who truly care about me. And, I definitely wouldn't have it any other way.

So, my apologies go out for not being more diligent in this space. I know God has used it for many different purposes, and He has used my words in situations that I have no idea about. My hope and prayer is that I will find my voice again for this space, and that it will become an encouraging place again for those who visit it.

May you find rest in God and His promises this week.

Mid-Twenties

My little sister turned 24 today.
She posted on her Facebook about how she felt old...because she's almost in her mid-twenties. I thought it was kind of funny, but I just sort of shrugged it off. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am in my mid-twenties. I am right there, in the midst of it all.
I don't think I got the opportunity this year to really contemplate my birthday and getting older...and turning 25. With everything that was going on with my uncle and my crazy obsessive three months, I don't think I truly stopped to ponder what it means to be 25. I am in my mid-twenties. I am no longer closer to being a teenager than I am to 30. I am well on my way there. Less than 5 years away.
So I started thinking about where I was at 20, 5 years before now. How different my life was back then. Josh and I became friends and started dating when I was 20. I experienced that wonderful "first kiss" with him that year. We dated...broke up...got back together...broke up...got back together that year. But the day I turned 20, I had no idea any of that would happen. I never would have guessed that 5 years from that day, I would be married to Josh, who I barely even knew at the time. In fact, I remember on that birthday, I had given up the idea of having a boyfriend for awhile. I had been single for a year and a half and had been hoping to find Mr. Right in the near future. But when I turned 20, I gave it up to God and said, "Whenever you want to bring him along, that's fine. But I'm done looking". Funny how God works sometimes, huh?
Now, I sit here at 25, looking back on the last 5 years, and wondering what the next 5 have in store for me. There are definitely a few things I would like to happen in that time frame, but realistically, there is no way for me to know that they will. But that's the thing I love about dreams...
Dreams give me so much hope. I love it when that moment comes in the middle of the day, when a wonderful idea or thought pops into my head and I think, "Yeah, I'd like it". I dream of what those things would be like in my life, how different they would make my world, and how much I'd enjoy them. It's those dreams that make this short road to 30 seem more bearable.
Someone asked me the other day if the thought of being 30 scared me. But the truth is, it really doesn't. The day I turn 30 might scare me a little, knowing my twenties will be gone, but I think 30 is going to be amazing.
I guess I just like to look at it in light of how the 20s have been so far. While I've had my share of heartaches and trials, I've had so many wonderful blessings to make up for them. I can't even imagine how different my life would be at this point if my 20s would have gone differently...even in the slightest way. These past 5 years have molded me, changed me, and shaped me into the woman I am today. The woman who is eagerly looking forward to what the next 5 years hold. The woman who is trying to live every moment and enjoy what it brings, knowing that the moment after it is going to bring even more amazing things.
So I am embracing this place in life, these mid-twenties. I don't feel old, but I definitely feel older than I did at 20...but in a good way. I feel more mature, more relaxed, more focused, and more excited about life. And that is what makes the mid-twenties worth it.