Being Thankful in the Midst of Trials

At the beginning of this month, I debated about posting things on social media somewhere that I was thankful for.

I've done it in the past on Facebook and Twitter, where I would post each day what I was thankful for that day. A few years ago, I kept track of things on my phone and did a weekly recap on my blog. Last year I posted collages on my personal Instagram account of the people and moments I was thankful for.

I think it's such a good practice to remember the things we are thankful for. It's something I wish I did on a more regular basis and not just during the month of November.

But sometimes it's also very hard to be thankful. When in the midst of trials, when things seem like they're falling apart, when life is throwing you curve ball after curve ball.

And yet, we are called to:

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NIV)

Wherever you find yourself this November, on this day, in 2016, I hope you are able to look around and find some things to be thankful for. Whether it's your health or the health of a loved one, your kids, your job, your home, the food on your table, your friends, your spouse, or even the fact that God still has you on this earth...I hope we can all find something to be thankful for.

This election and everything surrounding it has brought out so many negative and hateful emotions and actions in so many of us. Let's cling to love and be thankful in all circumstances, in spite of the bad stuff. Let's remember that we are called to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Let's live our lives caring for others and valuing them above ourselves.

Naivete

I feel like I spent a good portion of my life being pretty naive about things in life in general.

If you would have asked me even 10 years ago if my life would look the way it does right now, with the people in it, I would have said you were crazy.

I don't think I was stupid. I don't think I expected life to be perfect (well, maybe I did a little bit). But I don't know that I was aware of how much bigger the world really was compared to what I had known of it.

I know I'm being kind of vague, but I guess the point of this post is to express how much differently I view the world as a 31 year old than I did as a 21 year old. Having gone through some incredibly hard things myself in the past 10 years, as well as walking through some really hard stuff with friends and family, I just feel a lot differently about life.

My faith has had its ups and downs, but I know God has never left me. I may have doubted Him at times, but He's always been there. I may not understand everything or know how some of these hard things fit into His plan, but I know He's still in control. And I know I would say those same things 10 years ago, but I had no idea back then just how hard life could be.

I often think of the people in my life. The people that have stuck by me, the ones that I grow closer to each and every day, and the ones that have drifted away. I've said in the past that there are seasons for every relationship and I still believe that...to an extent. I think that sometimes it's easy to use that phrase when we want to walk away from a friendship or things aren't going the way we want in a relationship, so we chalk it up to being a "season". But I think sometimes the best friendships, the ones that really matter to us, take really hard work. It's not always easy to be there for people who don't seem to want to be there for us. It's not always easy to have long distance friendships with people. It's not always pleasant to have real and honest conversations with people about the way they treat us. It's not always easy to make time for people. But if we really care, if we're really invested and want the relationship to last, we have to put in the hard work.

This transition our church has been in for the past three + years has been one of the hardest things I've ever endured in a church. I can't tell you how many times I've been ready to throw in the towel and move on. But I know that's me talking. Sometimes life is hard and we just have to endure some hard things before they get better, or before it really is time to move on. I know that right now, I'm supposed to be involved with women, and that is what I'm pursuing. I've taken some steps in that direction and I'm excited to see what God does with it. It will not always be easy, but I keep reminding myself that the church is the people. Not just a few people, but all of them. And every single one of them needs encouragement and love and support.

I have a tendency to be really negative and focus on the bad stuff in life. I try hard not to, because I know there are so many good things. And if I look back on the last 10 years, I do see a lot of really good and beautiful things. It's definitely harder for me to see the good stuff day-to-day. But if I look at the whole picture, it's much easier to see. I think sometimes we have to take a step back and really look at our lives. What do they consist of? Is it all bad? Probably not. Is it all good? Definitely not. But that is what life is made up of: really hard stuff mixed in with really beautiful and wonderful stuff. God never promised us life would be easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth pushing forward.

So all this to say, I wish I could tell 21 year old me to just hold on. Life can be very bumpy and rocky, but it can also be really smooth with some great views along the way. Life is bigger than what we see directly in front of us. And it really does paint a beautiful picture.

Looking Forward

I've made it a little tradition the past couple of years to write about some hopes and dreams I have for the new year.

I posted about the results of my hopes for 2015 here, in case you missed it.

I think the reality of this being a new year hasn't completely set in yet for me. December was such a busy month that I felt like I barely had time to breathe or think, let alone do some reflection on my life and where I'd like to see it going in 2016.

While this last year was really fun and I have a lot of really great memories from different moments and conversations spent with loved ones, I questioned my purpose a lot. I feel like one of my biggest hopes for this year is to try and figure out what I should be doing with my life. When Josh and I first got married, I was planning to finish school to become a high school English teacher. After some things didn't work out initially for me to finish school, I started thinking that being a teacher might not be the best career path for me. Around that time, we also started doing the college group at our church and it took up a huge part of our lives for over three years. I loved being able to serve in that ministry for the time that we did, and I know God taught us a lot during that time.

While that was going on, we were also in the midst of really trying to get pregnant, only to realize that our plans and our wants obviously weren't what God had in mind for us at that moment in time. It was a really hard road to get to that point, but we are both much happier being on this side of the heartache. Even though we may never have our own children (biological or otherwise), we have gotten to a place where our little family of two is enough...whether that be forever or just for a few more years. So being a mom was what I thought my purpose was for awhile.

After doing the college group, we continued to be involved in other Bible studies and ministries at church. We were both involved in worship (me-singing, Josh-doing the tech side of it), and I was co-leading Bible studies with a few different women. Then leadership changes started happening in our church and we lost and gained pastors. In the midst of those changes and transitional periods, we both stopped being involved with worship, and Josh started to help out with youth again. I have more recently been involved in women's Bible studies again, but there was a period of time where I wasn't doing that either.

So when I say I need to figure out what I should be doing with my life, I mean in an area of service. It's hard for me to commit to something too major because of my body issues (the biggest reason I stopped being involved with worship was because being up on the stage for long periods of time with the stage lights was giving me migraines), but I know I need to be doing more than I'm doing right now. I just don't know what that all looks like yet, so I'm hoping to do some more praying and seeking to try and figure out where I can best serve.

I also still feel very strongly about encouraging women. I think it's something I've been good at (totally not trying to brag here at all, but I really do feel like it's something God has continuously led me to do in my life) and I really need to get into the practice of doing it more often. I've gone back and forth about different ways to make this happen on a more regular basis, so I'm hoping to get some clarity on what this could look like as a ministry or a way to best help others.

As for other things, I know I need to continue to work on balance and letting go of fears in my life. Both are going to take time, but I know it's important that I continue to figure out how best to accomplish both of those things in my life.

I feel like it's ok for this to be all that I'm striving for so far this year. I love the freshness of a new year and how it feels like a clean slate in some ways, but I also know that things change and happen at other times in the year as well. So if things do come up that I feel I need to be working on this year, I will add them to my list for 2016.

Here's to what lies ahead and hopefully learning and growing more!

Twenty Fifteen Part 9

Fall is officially here! Even though we've only had a few days so far that felt like fall weather, I am super excited!

We started off this month with a nice dinner with my parents. I love the times we get to spend with family and sometimes they are much too far apart!

Later that week, I had a wine night with my wine ladies. It was also a clothing party for a company called LuLaRoe. If you haven't ever been to a party by them before, they have super cute clothes!

The following night, I had a craft night with some friends. Since I decided last year I needed to get more crafty and decorate my house for more than just Christmas, I decided to make a few things to add to my fall decorations. I'm really happy with how the canvases turned out!

My canvases up with my Mickey ears wreath I made last year

The next day, we attended the wedding of two of our friends! We went out with a few friends beforehand and then headed over to the wedding venue together. The wedding was so sweet and the place they got married at was gorgeous! We had some much fun taking silly pictures and dancing the night away.

The following morning, Josh and I headed to our favorite place! We had so much fun! We were there for a couple of days and tried our best to stay out of the heat! It was very humid and unseasonably warm there, but we enjoyed the short lines and were able to see the new parade and World of Color show! We also tried out a restaurant we hadn't been to before. While we loved the food, we didn't realize it was outdoor-only seating. So we sweat a little bit throughout dinner. But it really was such a fun trip and I'm glad we were able to spend that time together.

After we got back, we found out about our friend passing away, which was so hard (I wrote another post about it here). We attended his memorial service the following week and I was blown away at how many lives he touched. There were over 800 people at his service. Josh was able to put together a really nice video that they showed at the service. It was a hard day, but it was good to see the faces of all the people that he loved him, and that loved him and his family in return.

The next weekend, we celebrated our niece's 4th birthday! I still can't believe she is 4! Time really does fly by. Josh's brother's family went camping for her birthday at a nearby campground, so we drove up on her birthday and had dinner and s'mores with them. The next day, we went back and had a family BBQ party for her birthday. It was a great time with family and friends.

The next day, we got to witness quite a few people get baptized at church. I love seeing how God moves in people's lives and draws them closer to Himself. It was a very powerful and emotional morning. Later that evening, we had a church meeting to find out updates about what's going on and what's coming up in the future. Josh and I are so excited for what God's doing in our church. It's such a huge contrast to how we were feeling early last year, but I'm so thankful for God's leading and for the leadership He has provided to our church.

Later that week, we had a fun BBQ with some friends and family. I love when we happen to have a day that isn't super busy that we can do something spur of the moment. It doesn't happen very often, so it's nice when it does.

The following day, we spent some time with friends watching a football game and eating baked potatoes, chili, and lots of other yummy foods. I am not a big football fan at all, but I love the fellowship and food that comes along with watching games.

The next day, I tried out an idea I wanted to do the week before, but it just didn't work out. I sent a text to a bunch of different ladies to invite them to join me at a Starbucks to hang out and talk. Four ladies were able to join me and it was a really great night. I'd love to do this more often, to just throw the idea out there, and whoever comes is meant to be there.

And we finished out the month of September by attending a going away party for the youth pastors at our church. Both of them had served in the ministry for over 15 years. They hired me almost 10 years ago to be a youth assistant, and I learned a lot during my time in that ministry. While it is sad to see them go, we are excited for what God is going to do in their lives, as well as in the lives of our youth kids and leaders.

Other highlights for the month:
My BCBs and I read a book called The Luckiest Girl Alive. It was definitely a crazy read and it has some gruesome parts, but a lot of it really made me think about just how powerful of an influence we have on other people's lives, as well as how easily we can be influenced by others.

We had other fun nights with friends and coffee dates. Josh was able to pick some cabernet grapes with some buddies that they are going to use to make wine! I'm definitely excited to try it.

Things God has been teaching me:
God has definitely been tugging on my heart to move in some different directions. Some of which I definitely would not have had on the horizon even three months ago. It's been amazing and also a little scary, but I'm really excited to see how He's going to use me in some different situations.

And that's a wrap! It's hard to believe this year is already 3/4 of the way over!

Life is Precious

This past week has been a mix of fun and tough.

Josh and I went on a trip to our favorite place (Disneyland) last week. The night before we left, I had this horrible dream that we got in a car accident on our way down there. It made me feel a little shaky, so I spent some time praying after I woke up. Crazy thing was, on our way down there, we drove through the scene of an accident just minutes after it happened. We stopped to get gas at one point and I debated about stopping at a Starbucks as well, but decided to go ahead and stop. If we wouldn't have stopped, we could have been involved in that accident.

As we were driving through, very slowly to avoid the glass and other debris in the road, I started crying looking at the wreckage around us. One of the cars was so smashed in, I didn't even know if the driver would still be alive. There was a big pickup halfway up the center divide with a trailer attached. We saw at least six vehicles that were involved in the accident. I started praying out loud as we drove through that Jesus would protect the people involved and get them the help they needed. We found out later that thankfully no one was killed but that a few people were taken to the hospital with minor injuries.

The day after we got home from our trip, we found out that a friend of ours was killed in a car accident. Neither one of us wanted to believe it at first. It came as a complete shock and completely rocked both of us.

Today, that friend would have turned 25. We joined a lot of his loved ones in a park this afternoon to let off balloons in honor of his birthday.

Photo cred to my husband

I've been reminded this week about how short life is. And how precious it is. I let petty stuff get in the way of things too often. I get upset about little things that don't matter. I have moments where I feel entitled about things or expect that things should go my way. I often overlook the feelings of those around me because I'm too wrapped up in my own world.

So today, in this moment, I'm striving for a heart change. I want to be more mindful of those around me than of myself. I want to focus my energy more on the people around me that need it more than I do. I want to honor and cherish the people I have in my life, because I don't know how much time I will have with them.

Life is precious. Let's live each day like we really believe that.

We miss you, friend

On My Mind

I haven't done a very good job of sharing my heart in this space lately.

I think for privacy reasons and for feeling like there are a lot of pieces of my story I can't share, (because part of it involves other people's stories) I've been very nervous to share anything.

So while there are things I can't talk about, there are some things I feel I need to say.

My family suffered a great loss over a year ago. It's something that still hurts and still brings a lot of sad thoughts and feelings. It's something I don't think we will ever fully "get over" and I don't think we are supposed to.

That term "get over" really bothers me. I think we assume that once "enough" time has passed, people should just be able to move on from their hurt feelings. But life isn't that simple. Loss isn't that simple. Hurt and pain are not that simple. The memories don't just disappear. Your love for someone doesn't just go away overnight. The pain may lessen and the memories may not pop up as often, but that doesn't mean we've gotten over it.

A lot of the people I love the most in this world have been and are currently dealing with very painful situations. Separation from loved ones (not by choice), cancer, betrayal, physical ailments, etc. The kinds of things that make one question God's love for His children. While I don't always understand why these situations are happening and while I don't always understand God's ultimate plan for our lives, I can say that I've seen Him evident in every single situation. I can say that I've seen Him mold and change and grow people to look more like Him through these hard times. I can say that I have seen beauty come up from these ashes.

Prayer is one of the things I struggle with the most. It's not that I don't pray, but I'm not very consistent with it. And when I do pray, it's often for someone else or for one of these situations mentioned above. I have a harder time praying for myself, because it sometimes seems selfish when I compare my thoughts and needs to those around me. But I know deep down inside that it's not about whose need is greater, because we all need God. My need for Him is just as great as yours, even if our situations are much different.

And I think that's what He's teaching me the most right now. That my need for Him is not determined by how hard my life is or how ok I might think I am. It's determined by my daily, hourly need of a Savior, of someone to love me and lead me in the direction He wants me to go. I can't and shouldn't try to do life on my own. I need His help and His wisdom and guidance every single second of my life.

My BCBs and I recently finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. While I had read it before in high school and remembered a few things about the story, there was so much that struck me this second time around. The faith and trust that both Corrie and her sister showed was incredible. The way that God used them before, during, and after their time in the concentration camp is so inspiring to me. To be that open and that in tune with God is something I definitely long for. Reading those pages again made me realize just how little my actions reflect my need for a Savior on a daily basis.

So while I may feel like my current situation in life is not as hard as the situations in the lives around me, my need for God is not any less. In the good times and bad, I need my Savior.

God is Working

This has been one of the best years.

I've gotten to see, hug, and spend time with so many amazing people. People I missed seeing last year, people I hadn't gotten to spend a lot of time with in previous years. I look back on the pictures and the things we did this year...and I just smile. It's been so full.

It's also been very hard. I have dealt with a lot personally, as have many people in my life. I have walked through some very hard situations, and walked alongside of family and friends who are dealing with some very heavy stuff. There's been a lot to be sad and hurt about this year.

But in spite of all that, I can still see the good. I see how amazing life has been. I see how much my friends and family have grown through their trials. I see how God has worked in incredible ways in and through those people. I see the good things that are sprouting up from those seeds of sadness and hurt.

I don't think I've understood more than I do this year of what it means when it says in Romans 8:28 that we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. All things. Even the really ugly, incredibly painful and depressing things. Every last one of them.

I look back on my life and I see how God has constantly been working in me, changing me into the person I am today. And I know He has so much more work to do. But it's crazy for me to see how different I was 10 years ago, getting ready to turn 20, compared to where I am now, getting ready to turn 30. I am so grateful for the hard things, the tough lessons, the trials, the tears, and everything else I've ever had to endure...because it has brought me here.

And even though life can be really hard, it really is so beautiful.

The Crickets Still Sing in October

October was definitely another busy month!

We started off October with a fun weekend getaway with a few friends. It involved costumes, the beach, Italian food, and not enough sleep. We had such a good time.

I did a Scentsy party for a friend and we had a blast!

We went to the corn maze with our marrieds group. We went last year and had a really great time, so we decided to do it again this year! Minus getting split up from part of our group and getting very, very lost, we had a fun night.

My mom, sister, and I had a girls spa day. It was the first time we'd ever done anything like that together and it was a lot of fun. We all got different packages, but we left feeling very relaxed. And we followed it up by having lunch at one of our favorite local Mexican restaurants. It was a good day.

I hosted a fall themed BUNCO night at my house. Every time I play BUNCO with my friends, I wish we could have a group again. But we tried last year and it was so hard to remain consistent with it. So, I think maybe we will have to try and do quarterly BUNCO nights instead.

The next week, we started a candidating week at church...and it ended with our church getting a new senior pastor! After about 18 months without one, we were all very relieved and excited. Josh and I are really excited about our new pastor and his family, and we are looking forward to getting to know them better.

We had a fun sushi dinner with my sister and her husband. We even ventured out and tried a roll none of us had tried before...and it was delicious!

And last night we went to a fun Halloween party that our friend throws every year. The theme was Classic Monsters and it was really fun to see everyone dressed up. The decorations were very Haunted Mansion-esque, which made a lot of us really want to go to Disneyland soon!

Can you guess what we dressed up as? 

A skeleton (notice the baby one, too?!?), a ghost (did you guess right?), a mummy, and Wednesday Addams

A mummy, a ghost, Blackbeard, and a skeleton

Other highlights from the month:

I had a couple of fun lunch/dinner/coffee dates with friends, as well as a few fun hang out nights.

My book club friends and I read an amazing book called The Invention of Wings. I highly recommend it. We had so much to talk about because of it during our chat and I'm pretty sure we could have talked about it for a few more hours. It was that good.

My husband would say one of his highlights this month was his favorite baseball team winning the World Series...and I suppose it's a highlight for me, too...because now that it's over, I don't have to watch any more games or listen to Joe Buck's voice anymore. Haha!

It rained all day yesterday. It was glorious. I told one of my friends that it finally felt like fall had arrived.


And since it is November 1st, I'm probably gonna bust out the Christmas songs soon. I did last year and I feel like I got to enjoy some of my favorite Christmas songs so much more. I will probably wait until Thanksgiving to start watching Christmas movies, but you never know.

I am looking forward to making some Christmas crafts this month, as well as doing all sorts of fun family and friend events revolving around Thanksgiving.


See ya later, October. It was fun, but I think November is going to bring some pretty awesome stuff as well.

Legacy

I could not have known when I hit publish on that last post that Tuesday, September 30th would be the day that Josh's great grandmother breathed her last.

We all knew it was coming, but that did not make the news easier to process.

For someone who lived 98 years on this earth, she definitely left a beautiful and wonderful legacy behind.

A couple of our friends had their baby on the very same day.

My brother-in-law pointed out something I was already thinking:

God gives and takes away.

While our time on this earth with Josh's great grandma is over, our friends's baby's life has just begun. Her tiny little lungs took their first breath on the same day that Josh's great grandma's took their last.

God gives and takes away. I've always loved the song Blessed Be Your Name because of that line.

I am thankful for the time that we did have with Josh's great grandma. I am thankful for the children she had, and in turn, the children they had, and so on.

I am thankful for her incredible legacy.

This Year

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately on this past year.

It is really hard for me to believe that many of this year's events actually happened this year. For some reason, this year has felt long...in good and bad ways.

The next two weeks are going to be extremely busy for me, so I'm trying to take some time this week, during the few spare hours that I have here and there, to just sit in reflection of all the things I've experienced and learned this year.

January has always been one of my favorite months. When I was little, I looked forward to it because of my birthday. Now, I love it because sometimes Christmas can linger a little into it and that always makes my heart happy. I also just like the idea of a fresh start, empty calendar pages, and anticipation of what the year will bring.

This past January was a good one. We received some really happy news and I got to have the perfect birthday celebrations. I spent my actual birthday sick, but the weekend before was a blast.

February is also a favorite of mine. We always have a lot of birthdays to celebrate that month and our anniversary is that month. And for the past few years, February also means our anniversary trip to Disneyland. We celebrated our fifth anniversary this year, so we decided to extend our trip a little and turn it into a few trips by getting annual passes. I also got to be in the room as my bestie gave birth. Definitely one of the biggest highlights of my whole year...my whole life, in fact.

In March, we took a fun trip with Josh's family to celebrate his mom's birthday. Our goddaughter shares the same birthday, so we were able to go to her birthday party on the same weekend. It was just such a fun time. We also got to attend a couple of fun Easter celebrations in March and I got to surprise one of my best friends for her birthday.

April had its ups and downs. We got to celebrate my sister's birthday with her and I had some really fun hang outs with friends. March and April were also the months that I really started eating better and changing my lifestyle. Our senior pastor also retired from our church. And April also brought some sad news and a lot of really hard moments that continued for a few months.

May had a lot of fun moments. We took a secret trip and went to a couple of birthday celebrations. I started undergoing tests for my neck and back issues. The Office ended, which was sad, but we were able to watch it with friends, so that was fun. And my oldest niece turned 6!

June had two fun beach trips! One was camping with Josh's family and the other was a fun weekend away with friends. We also got to go to the wedding of some of our good friends. It was a very busy month but it was full of a lot of sweet memories.

July also brought two beach trips! The first was a weekend away with our marrieds group at a cabin in the mountains. It was quite warm, as it was 4th of July weekend, so we spent a lot of time out on the water. The second was our church's annual worship and baptisms on the beach. It was so awesome to hear so many wonderful testimonies and to see so many people get baptized. We also went to the engagement party of a couple whose relationship we got to watch develop and blossom over a couple of months. She is a missionary and he is hoping to join her on the mission field soon. We can't wait to celebrate with them on the day they get married.

In August, my hubby went on a weekend trip to see his favorite band that recently got back together and started making music again. While he was gone, I went on a little getaway with some of my girlfriends. It was really fun. We also surprised one of my friends with an early breakfast on the morning of her birthday.

September had big ups and downs. We started off the month with a trip to Disneyland. It was pretty warm while we were there but we had so much fun. I also got to watch my brother-in-law and sister-in-law get baptized. It was so incredible to see and be a part of. My niece turned 2 and we got to have two fun celebrations with her. I also got to celebrate two of my friends's birthdays who happen to only be a couple of days apart. And my heart broke and ripped in half as something devastating happened to my family. It still hurts every time I think about it, but I know that God has done and will continue to do amazing things through this situation. Maybe someday I will share it on here.

In October, we said goodbye to a loved one and to another pastor. We had a going away service and some of our friends that have moved away were able to come and be a part of it. We also got to celebrate a sweet friend's birthday. We went to a fun Halloween party and went trick or treating with some of our sweet friends and their kiddos.

November was very full and busy. We got to celebrate with one of my sweet friends for her birthday. I went to an essential oils class and started using one that has helped immensely with my pain. We went to a wedding for two people that Josh and I have known since our youth days and I got to help surprise a friend for her birthday. I saw Catching Fire with some great friends and we went out for sushi with our worship team. I also threw Josh a Murder Mystery Party for his birthday. We did a friends Thanksgiving dinner with some of our good friends. We spent Thanksgiving with some of the people we love most and then went to our favorite apple/Christmas tree farm the next day. And my youngest niece turned 2!

This month, we did a friends Christmas dinner with some of our friends where the girls decorated cookies and we made gingerbread houses. I had a Christmas themed favorite things party. I went to a pottery painting place with my friend. It's been a yearly tradition for us the last three years. We also went to a white elephant party and saw The Hobbit with a group of friends. We have a lot of fun Christmas celebrations this week and next week, as well as a couple of family vacations. It's going to be a full couple of weeks but I am really excited about them.

As far as what I've learned this year, I've learned more about what it means to be a real friend. Not only has this year been hard on my family, it's been hard on the families of a lot of my friends. I have learned so much more about what it means to walk alongside someone and to do life together. I've always considered many of my friends like family but that term has taken on a whole new meaning this year. I can't imagine life without these amazing people.

I've also learned more about trusting God and trusting He will turn even the worst of situations into something good. In many of the situations I've walked through or walked alongside of this year, I've seen glimpses of that good, and I can't wait to see all that comes from them. It's the reason why I wanted Romans 8:28 to be the verse on our Christmas cards this year. Because it is so very true.

I'm also learning a lot more about contentment. I feel like God is constantly teaching me more about this. I'm learning more and more that contentment can't be found outside of God. I can be happy with where my life is and the things I'm doing, but true contentment is only found in Him.

This year has been full of changes, good and bad. And while I usually get this anxious feeling about change approaching, I am somehow never quite prepared when I'm actually faced with it. I think that's where trusting in God and depending on Him comes in more. If I could be prepared for everything on my own, I wouldn't need Him.

I know 2014 is going to be different, in good and bad ways. I know it's going to bring its share of hardships and sweet memories. And I know my heart will burst with joy and sadness...but I'm excited for all of it. I've learned a lot about our trials and tribulations shaping us and causing us to depend more on God, and because of that, I'm learning to open my eyes more to see what God wants me to learn through them.

So while 2013 isn't quite over, I want to take these next two weeks and just be. I am sure I will do some more reflecting, but I want to enjoy each moment that's left of this year.

For the Good

I honestly wish I knew what to say.

I have mentioned many times in past blog posts that this year has been a very hard one.

I wrote out a long blog post last week about why...and then decided against posting it.

I have a hard time sharing someone else's story, even if it's not in very many details.

The one thing I can say is, I have changed, grown, and hurt deeper this year than I ever have before. My love for my family and for my amazing friends has morphed into something I didn't think possible before. My heart has been broken and shattered into a million pieces, and yet God is picking it back up and helping to mend it with each passing day.

I cling to Josh more dearly than I ever have in my life. I long to just be at home with him and to soak in every moment we can be together.

Someday, when the time is right, I will share the story (or maybe ask someone very dear to me if they would like the honor). It's a beautiful story...full of pain, yes...but covered in God's love and grace and mercy and compassion.

I've had a hard time coming to terms with why things happened the way they did, but I've been clinging to the fact that God's plan is always best, even when we don't understand it or can't see it fully. And even though I can't understand the whys, I've seen the evidence of some beautiful outcomes...and for that, I am so incredibly grateful.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:28 (NIV)

This I know to be true.

And I'm choosing to hold onto His promises today.

Randoms for the Week

I started writing out a post the other day about all the things that I'm not doing in my life right now that I wish I was doing.

After typing it all out, I decided it was not going to be published. When I re-read it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded.

Here I am, writing about all these things I need to change or add or do differently in my life...when what I should have done was close my laptop, get up, and do them! I have since made a point to start changing some things in my life.

I love having down time and relaxing, but I'm realizing that I crave a lot more than just that. And instead of writing about it, I need to just get up and do it sometimes.

*****

We watched the series finale of The Office last night with some friends. I had been dreading and anticipating this moment all week...I just have such a hard time saying goodbye to shows. It wasn't as intense as I felt when LOST ended, but it still felt like I was losing some of my best friends. The last couple of episodes leading up to the finale were so good...I told my husband that fact alone was making it even harder to say goodbye. The show hasn't been the same since Steve Carell left, but those episodes were really making up for it for me. So while last night's episode was hard to watch, I couldn't have been happier with the way they ended things. And man...some of the wisdom they imparted to us viewers was just priceless:

Be strong.

Trust yourself.

Love yourself.

Conquer your fears.

And fast...

because life just isn't that long.

(The Office)

*****

The tough stuff in life is still tough...but we are slowly getting to the light at the end of the tunnel in some of the situations. We have definitely felt people's prayers and are so grateful for them as we keep walking these roads. My heart gets overwhelmed if I dwell on things too long, but knowing other people are out there thinking of us and praying for us has been such a huge blessing.

*****

I am finally getting to the bottom of some of my neck and back issues. My doctor sent me to another department and I've had some tests done already to try and figure out what's going on. While we haven't gotten a lot of answers yet, some of the tests have come back normal, so that's at least encouraging. I'm also going to be getting some pain relief next week that I am super excited about. For someone who's been living with pain and stiffness for almost two years now...this news is incredible!

*****

I am still plugging along with the healthy eating thing! There have only been one or two days in the last two weeks that I've gone over on my calories...and I haven't had any soda in three weeks! I don't even miss it anymore, which is crazy to me. I'm learning to love the foods that I've been eating and I'm craving things like avocados and mandarins all the time now. Iced unsweetened green tea is my favorite drink right now, other than water. It's crazy living in this world, but I'm loving every minute of it.

*****

My oldest niece is turning 6 next week! Where has the time gone? We got to meet her the day she came home from the hospital and it was the best day ever. She brings so much joy to our family, even though she lives far away now. We are so in love with all of our nieces and are so blessed and such better people with them in our lives.

*****

I haven't talked a lot lately about my infertility issues. They are still there, and I am obviously still not pregnant or a mother. It's weird to be over four years on this road looking back at all of the trials and hard times we had to endure along the way. While I still have a great desire to be a mom someday, I also am really happy with where I'm at right now. Especially with all the pain issues I've had the past couple of years...I think getting pregnant during that time would have been so horrible. I trust God knows what He's doing in my life and this season will pass someday...

There's also a part of me that is kind of freaked out at the possibility of becoming pregnant. I've watched a lot of people in my life walk through some very hard things in their pregnancies and the thought of having to go through something like that really scares me. I know I have to trust in God's plan for my life, and I have to trust that whatever happens, I will be fine...but there's still a part of me that's a little scared.

*****

This weekend is full of fun! I'm going out dancing with some friends, we are attending a sweet little girl's 1st birthday party, and I have Bunco with my friends. I'm hoping we will be able to squeeze in seeing Star Trek as well!

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Promises

I've had a lot of good conversations this week with some women whose opinions and wisdom I truly respect and appreciate.

I came to the realization earlier this week that my life has been really good lately. I haven't had a lot of issues (minor setbacks here and there), I'm really happy with my marriage and my job and my social life, and I'm getting to do a lot of fun stuff. But, then something else hit me...a thought I was not prepared for...

Am I happy because I'm living my life the way I want to, or am I happy because I'm living a life worthy of my God?

And the answer to that was definitely not one that I was happy to admit.

I am getting too comfortable in life. I have things under control right now. Things are going good. I am having a lot of fun...but where does God fit into all of that?

He's been getting my leftovers lately...and I'm really not ok with that.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

(John 16:33b, NIV)

It's a verse that kept coming to my mind this week. We are not promised a cushy, cozy life full of beautiful and wonderful things. We are pretty much promised we will go through crap...and that we will endure persecution and hard times (though that doesn't mean that God won't turn the crud into something beautiful...because He does say He will work for the good of those who love Him - check out Romans 8:28).

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NIV)

So when my life starts to feel too cushy, too comfortable...I start to wonder if I'm really living life the right way. Because Christ calls us out of our comfort zones and into a life of dependency on Him...a life that isn't always going to feel good to us...but a life that truly glorifies Him.

I would much rather live that kind of life than live a life that only calls attention to myself and what I can do...because I can't do very much at all on my own strength without Christ...and that's the way it's supposed to be.

Overcoming

I had the opportunity last week to briefly share my story with a woman I had never met before.

I was at a jewelry party my friend was hosting and the consultant asked me why I wanted the particular charm that I purchased.

It's message was simple: tell your story.

I proceeded to explain to her that I have felt God calling me more and more to share my story with others, because I know it needs to be heard. I know I am not the only one who has ever been in this situation...nor will I be the last. But, what has gotten me through time and time again has been the encouragement of knowing that I'm not alone, that there is healing when I open my mouth and speak these words out loud...and that God still has a plan for me.

The first time I told my story on here was quite a while ago. I knew then it needed to be shared. While I was touched by the many emails I received from my post here and from my guest post on Casey's blog, I was more blown away that God used me to speak His words to other women. I am such a wretch most days, so far from the woman I know I should be...and yet my Savior is still able to use me, some way, somehow, to shine His light.

I never thought I would be here, over three and a half years of waiting, and still not have a child to call my own. But I also never could have dreamed I would learn so much, and experience multiple blessings, because of it.

I was drawn to Isaiah 43 tonight. I thought it was fitting for where my heart is (I would encourage you to read the whole chapter, to understand the context better). Here are just a few of the verses that really stood out to me:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing! 

 Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

(Isaiah 43:18-19, NIV)

It's easy in this journey to dwell on the hard stuff, to remember all the painful things, and to wish I could go back to that very first day I stopped taking my pills and tell myself to just trust God. But I can't focus on the past. I can't focus on the things I've done wrong and the things that haven't happened yet. God is doing something new in me...and has been through this whole process. He is refining me and is bringing something beautiful in this wasteland I have lived in. I spent many days in this journey very sad and depressed, longing for a child to hold in my arms. And this whole time, God has been preparing a new and exciting path for me to take...one that I still don't fully understand and can't imagine yet. 

I don't know where your heart is, or what things you are trying to deal with or overcome in your life...but I promise you God still has a plan, He is right there with you, and He is preparing you for something you can't even imagine right now.

Awake

As I look back on the last three and a half years, I see a lot of different things.

Some good, some bad.

I see the times in my life that I was genuinely happy with my lot and with where God had me...

And I see the times that I seriously wondered if God cared about me at all, because He obviously didn't want me to be happy in life.

A beautiful blogger that I recently discovered just finished sharing her own infertility story on her blog this week.

And, as I read her words, I saw so much of myself in them.

The hurt, the longing, the determination to make it happen when I wanted it to...and then the switch...the brokenness, the crying out to God, the trusting, and the truly letting go.

I have plenty of good days and bad days. This year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

But, one thing has always remained: God is still faithful and He's still trying to get me to stop and listen to Him more.

He spoke loud and clear to me during the message at church this week.

He's been speaking to me a lot through the Bible study I've been doing with a few friends.

He's continuing to speak to me through various conversations I've had with amazing people.

And yet, I still have a hard time listening.

I hear it...boy, do I ever hear it...but I still have a hard time really letting those words sink in.

For so many months, my heart was focused on one thing...and that one thing wasn't my Savior.

Because of that, it's been a hard process trying to train myself to focus back on the One who really matters most.

But I'm still trying.

I'm still seeking Him, and I'm still determined to live my life better for Him...I just know I can't do it without asking for His help and for His strength.

At the women's conference my church had a few weeks back, the speaker kept talking about how we have in us the power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead.

I know that's true...but I definitely don't utilize that power very often. I don't ask for God to move in me with that power very much. I don't ask for that power to change a situation in my life.

But I should.

So, I'm still a mess, a work in progress, a girl who desperately wants to trust Jesus with her whole heart and with her whole life...

I may not be there yet...but I'm working my way toward it...

And, thank God that He hasn't given up on me yet.