Moving Forward

We are already over halfway into January 2019.

It's crazy writing that out that way.

I'm still in shock that 2018 is over and we're almost a month into 2019 already.

2018 ended with me feeling a little scattered and like some things were half finished. I got to do just about everything I wanted to experience around Christmastime and we got to spend a lot of time with loved ones in December, but then I got sick. I think that's why things felt the way they did. I wanted so badly to take that time after Christmas to start organizing my house and my life and get into a better routine. But instead I spent 4 days on the couch, trying to rest so my cold didn't turn into anything worse.

I'm not saying that the resting was bad or that I should have been doing more, but I often beat myself up a little if I rest too much and don't get enough done. Or at least, enough by my own standards.

I didn't get to plan out my goals for 2019 like I wanted to. I didn't get to sit down and really think on 2018 like I wanted to.

And yet, life moves forward. And so do I.

As I type this, it sounds so silly and so petty. Not being able to spend time reflecting and dreaming. But in the moment, it felt like such a big deal.

If you know anything about the enneagram, I'm a 9. Part of being a 9 means that I often stuff my feelings down to keep the peace or because I don't want to deal with the pain or whatever other emotion it brings up. We 9's don't like to rock the boat.

So my being frustrated about not being able to do those things was actually a sign to me of trying to work through my struggles. I shared a little bit in this space about some of the things I've been learning about myself in the past 6ish months. One thing I'm trying to do more of is allowing myself to feel things.

For instance, I re-watched Gilmore Girls for like the 6th or 8th or 10th time (I've seen it a lot). And I re-watched A Year in the Life for the third time (maybe the 4th?). Watching the final episode, I could feel that ball in my throat getting harder and harder as my eyes welled up with tears. I have a hard time allowing myself to fully cry. But I took some deep breaths as I watched the show and I let them come. And that ball in my throat got lighter and lighter. I probably cried for about 10 minutes. And it felt good.

I'm trying to give myself grace and allow myself to really feel things. I think feeling it, living in it for as long as it takes, is essential for me. I don't want to keep bottling everything up inside. So even things that seem insignificant or petty (like not being able to spend time reflecting on 2018) need to be felt and worked through.

So as we move into 2019, I'm determined to keep working on giving myself grace and allowing myself to feel. The word I chose for 2019 was Rise. I'm ready to rise up, to rise above, to raise my head and feel. And I want to help those around me to do the same.



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For the past 10 years, I've made a point to make a collage of some of my favorite pictures and memories of the year before. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse into 2018. I'm excited to see where 2019 takes me!

Some December Thoughts

I am so behind on blog posts and feel like I'm behind on life in general these days.

I'm not sure when life kicked into this high of a gear, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this week.

It's December 12th. Christmas is 13 days away. And yes, we got all of our Christmas shopping done. And yes, we've watched some Christmas movies and done some fun Christmas activities. And yes, our house is decorated (I'm staring at my lit up Christmas tree right now). And yes, the majority of our Christmas cards have been sent out or delivered to the people receiving them. But I still feel like something is missing.

There's so much talk of Christmas plans and where we are going when. My brain already hurts just thinking about it. I really just want a morning, or an afternoon, or some chunk of time over the Christmas weekend to have some time alone with Josh, so that we can do our own Christmas at home.

And I've been doing a lot of vendor events. I did 5 within the first week of December. I've got 1, possibly 2 more coming up this month.

I just feel tired. And like I'm whining. I'm really not meaning to, though. I really just want to take some time and think about why we celebrate Christmas. What does it all mean? Why do we spend all this time buying the perfect gifts and then wrapping them? Why does our calendar instantly fill up when December rolls around? Where does Jesus fit into all of it?

I love Christmas. Don't get me wrong. It's my absolute favorite holiday. It always has been. There's something about all the colorful lights everywhere and the songs and the joy of spending time with loved ones.

But I want it to be more than just a fun, busy month this year.

It's really easy to lose sight of Jesus. I've been doing it all month. I've been so worried about everything we've had on our calendar and all the things we've needed to buy, that I've kind of forgotten what all of it means. Or what all of it should mean.

I want to give gifts because it's a small reflection of the love I have for someone, and because Jesus gave us the ultimate gift by dying on the cross for our sins, not because I feel like I need to or have to. I want to do fun events with the people I care about because I enjoy their company and who they are in my life, not because it's just something we've always done or because I'm fulfilling an obligation. I want to watch Christmas movies and listen to certain Christmas songs because they make me feel happy and nostalgic, not because I want to make sure to check those off a list of things I've done this holiday season.

And so I've decided to take some time out this month to focus on the reason why this season is so special. I want to spend some time studying and reading the Word: the prophecies about Jesus's coming, His birth and what He brought to our world. I want to spend some time thinking about and expressing my appreciation and love for the people in my life. All too often we take people for granted or assume they know how we feel. And I want to spend some time examining my heart and my life to really figure out what this new year is going to look like for me. It's something I enjoy doing at the end of every year and I think it's really important for me. It helps me to be able to set my focus on some specific goals and helps me to keep myself accountable to them.

I'm also determined to make sure that Josh and I get to spend some time together as our little family of 2. I don't talk very often on this space anymore about our journey and where we've come from, but at this moment in time, we are both content and happy to be just the two of us. I know a lot of people (and it's not really anyone's fault, it's just kind of the way our society is) assume that we aren't a family because we don't have kids. But we are a family and our time together is just as important as it would be if we had 4 kids. We have been married for almost 10 years now and this will be our 13th Christmas together. We got engaged on Christmas Eve almost 11 years ago. This time of year is very important to both of us and I don't want this time to pass by without us getting to acknowledge all that it means to us as a couple and individually.

My hope is that all of us would be able to take some time out in the next two weeks and really reflect on this month, this year and our lives. Don't let the busyness or the obligations or whatever else it may be keep you from enjoying this time of year.

Oh One. Two Oh One Seven

I struggle often with what I should share in this space.

Part of me thinks blogging is a dying art and I should give up on it. After all, I use it mostly as a "diary" these days to give a summary of what we do each month. Posts about anything else are so few and far between.

And it's not because I don't have things I could share. I more struggle with the time to be able to do so. And knowing how much is too much to share.

So I've kept things very simple the past two years, because that is what has worked the best for me.

Many people started reading this blog after I started to share our journey with infertility. I always meant for this space to be somewhere where people could come and find encouragement or comradery or a safe place to land. And I'm not sure it's always been that place this past few years.

So with this new year, I've been trying to figure out if I'm going to continue to write monthly posts or try to use this space more for it's original intended purpose.

And I haven't really come to a good conclusion.

So for now, I'm just going to write when I feel like it and see what happens.

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We've been talking at church the past few weeks about being safe people for others. And how each of us should have 3-10 safe people in our lives. It struck my heart so much because I've craved those kinds of relationships my whole life. And because I strive to be a safe person for all of my friends.

I'm so thankful to have quite a few safe people in my life. I may not have had many (if any) in jr. high or very many in high school but I'm so thankful that I have many safe friends as an adult.

Being a safe person means being someone that listens, that gives their full attention, that is trustworthy and that doesn't try to fix things or offer advice immediately. Safe people are not judgmental and allow people to feel and express themselves as they need to.

One of my goals for this year is to spend more one-on-one time with people, as I have in the past. I want to be a safe person that people feel comfortable sharing their hearts with. And I think these two goals go hand in hand.

There's been so much division and hatred in our country in the last few months (not that it didn't exist before, because it obviously did. But it's come to the surface more in recent months). I just want to love people better. Even if I don't agree with them. Especially if I don't agree with them. And that starts with being a safe person.

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January has always been one of my favorite months. Partly because it's a new year (and right after my favorite holiday, Christmas), and partly because it's the month I was born. January just always makes me excited for the future and for the year ahead.

This January was a good one. It was a month full of birthday celebrations, for myself and for others.

 P.W.'s 2nd birthday party!

 Wine tasting for mine and A.B.'s birthdays

Me and my fellow January birthday friend

 Dancing with some friends for mine and R.J.'s birthdays

I'm so thankful for these moments and for these people. Here's to February!

Moving Forward

It's taken me awhile to find the time to write this post.

I've been meaning to do it for a few weeks now but life has been very busy.

I've been writing this post every January for a few years now. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions but I like to share some goals and hopes I have for myself for the year.

I feel like I'm still working on some of my goals from the past two years: balance and letting go of fears. Both are getting easier and easier, but I still struggle with both daily. I'm trying to focus on how best to balance my two jobs and normal life stuff. I was exercising 5 times a week for awhile there but I haven't been doing that on a regular basis since October. I'm still going to Pilates every week but that's only one day a week. I know I feel so much better when I exercise on a regular basis so I need to find a way to get it back into my normal routine.

I also feel like I need to make more time to connect with people. Facebook has that On This Day feature that constantly reminds you of what you did on that day in different years. And I used to spend a lot more time with people one on one. My schedule is kind of hectic these days and I don't ever have a day "off" anymore unless I purposefully schedule one, so I have harder time finding the time to set up those one on one hang outs. But I miss them and I miss connecting with people that way. So that is one of my goals that goes along with balance.

One of my hopes for this year is to continue to strive to look more like Jesus. I feel like my faith has been stretched so much in the past few years and I've learned a lot and grown in ways I never expected to. I've had ups and downs, and I feel like I've gained a lot of wisdom, but I know I have so much more to learn. It's hard to describe all of it, but I really want to keep pursuing and keep striving and keep moving forward.

2016 was a good year. We had a lot of fun, we spent a lot of time with friends and family and we experienced a lot of changes. Life always has its ups and downs, but I'd say 2016 was a year of growth. I'm looking forward to the challenges and good times 2017 is going to bring.

12.16

December was another busy month for us!

Here are some of the highlights:

We had a little Christmas shindig at our house with a few friends. We ate a lot of food, played games (including a white elephant gift exchange) and laughed a lot. It was a good night.

We got together with some friends from out of state. Our friends C.H. and Y.H. were in town for the holidays, and we were able to see them twice while they were here. It's always so good to spend time with them.

We had a full two days of Christmas fun with family and friends. All of Josh's family members were in town, so we were able to spend quite a bit of time with them. We also spent time with my grandparents, my family, and some friends.

 (Josh and I got engaged 10 years ago on Christmas Eve!)

Some other things that happened this month:

We went to a baby dedication for our friends S.S. and A.S.'s new baby. He's so cute!

We went to our niece's preschool Christmas program. It's so fun to see the personalities that come out in these kinds of situations. Plus the kids are all super cute!

We saw Rogue One with some friends. It was really good! I liked it a lot.

It's still hard to believe that 2016 is over. As I was going through pictures from this year and putting together my year-end collage, I smiled a lot at the happy memories. It was such a great year full of many wonderful things, but it had its rough moments too. I'm looking forward to 2017 and all it will bring (I will share my full thoughts on 2017 in another post)!

Wrapping It Up

It's so funny to me that I felt the urge to write a blog post today.

I looked back on when I did this same post last year...and it was one day earlier last year! I think it has something to do with Christmas getting closer and with me realizing that the year is almost over.

I've been writing a post the last few years about what my hopes and dreams for the new year are. I will share mine for 2017 in a few weeks, but I wanted to go over the ones I had for 2016 to see how things measured up this year.

My first one was to figure out where I should be serving at church. After praying about it a lot, I was approached to be a part of women's ministry at my church. It's been such a huge blessing so far and I'm excited to continue diving into my role this next year.

My second one was to figure out a way to encourage women more. And that has been two-fold this year. Obviously, my new position in women's ministry is a huge part of that. The other has been selling LuLaRoe. I love being able to help women find clothing that makes them feel beautiful and confident, and I love encouraging them to step out and try new things.

I'm still working on balance and letting go of fears. Having two jobs has definitely been something I've had to learn (and am still learning) how to balance. I'm definitely having to learn how to carve out time for the things that I need to do, as well as things that I want to do.

And now a little recap of 2016 (so far):

We started off 2016 with a little New Year's Eve gathering at our house with a few friends.

I went out dancing with some friends to celebrate three January birthdays, and my friend S.W. and I had a combined Harry Potter birthday party!

We went to Disney on Ice with our niece, and I attended a baby shower for a dear friend.

We went to Disneyland again for our anniversary!

We went to a MuteMath concert, and I saw Wicked with two friends!

We did an escape room, and celebrated Easter with family.

We went on a weekend trip with some friends

We celebrated my sister's birthday, and did a wine stroll with a couple of friends

Josh and I had a spontaneous date day that involved wine tasting, a fun lunch, and a trip to a candy factory

We went dancing (and found out a friend was pregnant), and attended a gender reveal party for another set of friends

We attended a little girl's kindergarten graduation, and went blueberry picking

We went to a couple of graduation parties, and attended our niece's ballet recital

Our friends from CO were in town!

We went to a 4th of July party with some friends, and celebrated our nephew's birthday

We had a fun day out with some friends, and Josh took me on a special surprise date

I went wine tasting to celebrate a friend's birthday, and we attended a gender reveal party for some friends

We went indoor go-carting with some friends, and I went on a planning weekend with the women's ministry team

I went to karaoke for a friend's birthday, and we went to a Labor Day BBQ with some friends

We went on a cruise with some friends!

We celebrated our niece's birthday

We went on a fun trip to Disneyland and Universal Studios

We went on a train ride with my family, and we attended a co-ed baby shower for some friends

We went to a corn maze with some friends, and went to our friend's annual Halloween party

We went to a friend's birthday party, and had our 3rd annual Friendsgiving

We went to CO to see our friends

We took our niece to see Moana, and we went to our friends' baby dedication

I did a craft night with some of the females in Josh's family, and we had a little Christmas get together at our house

We have some other fun planned for this month! I'm excited for what the rest of 2016 holds.

Looking Forward

I've made it a little tradition the past couple of years to write about some hopes and dreams I have for the new year.

I posted about the results of my hopes for 2015 here, in case you missed it.

I think the reality of this being a new year hasn't completely set in yet for me. December was such a busy month that I felt like I barely had time to breathe or think, let alone do some reflection on my life and where I'd like to see it going in 2016.

While this last year was really fun and I have a lot of really great memories from different moments and conversations spent with loved ones, I questioned my purpose a lot. I feel like one of my biggest hopes for this year is to try and figure out what I should be doing with my life. When Josh and I first got married, I was planning to finish school to become a high school English teacher. After some things didn't work out initially for me to finish school, I started thinking that being a teacher might not be the best career path for me. Around that time, we also started doing the college group at our church and it took up a huge part of our lives for over three years. I loved being able to serve in that ministry for the time that we did, and I know God taught us a lot during that time.

While that was going on, we were also in the midst of really trying to get pregnant, only to realize that our plans and our wants obviously weren't what God had in mind for us at that moment in time. It was a really hard road to get to that point, but we are both much happier being on this side of the heartache. Even though we may never have our own children (biological or otherwise), we have gotten to a place where our little family of two is enough...whether that be forever or just for a few more years. So being a mom was what I thought my purpose was for awhile.

After doing the college group, we continued to be involved in other Bible studies and ministries at church. We were both involved in worship (me-singing, Josh-doing the tech side of it), and I was co-leading Bible studies with a few different women. Then leadership changes started happening in our church and we lost and gained pastors. In the midst of those changes and transitional periods, we both stopped being involved with worship, and Josh started to help out with youth again. I have more recently been involved in women's Bible studies again, but there was a period of time where I wasn't doing that either.

So when I say I need to figure out what I should be doing with my life, I mean in an area of service. It's hard for me to commit to something too major because of my body issues (the biggest reason I stopped being involved with worship was because being up on the stage for long periods of time with the stage lights was giving me migraines), but I know I need to be doing more than I'm doing right now. I just don't know what that all looks like yet, so I'm hoping to do some more praying and seeking to try and figure out where I can best serve.

I also still feel very strongly about encouraging women. I think it's something I've been good at (totally not trying to brag here at all, but I really do feel like it's something God has continuously led me to do in my life) and I really need to get into the practice of doing it more often. I've gone back and forth about different ways to make this happen on a more regular basis, so I'm hoping to get some clarity on what this could look like as a ministry or a way to best help others.

As for other things, I know I need to continue to work on balance and letting go of fears in my life. Both are going to take time, but I know it's important that I continue to figure out how best to accomplish both of those things in my life.

I feel like it's ok for this to be all that I'm striving for so far this year. I love the freshness of a new year and how it feels like a clean slate in some ways, but I also know that things change and happen at other times in the year as well. So if things do come up that I feel I need to be working on this year, I will add them to my list for 2016.

Here's to what lies ahead and hopefully learning and growing more!

Twenty Fifteen Part 12

I can't believe 2015 is over!

I have really enjoyed taking the time each month to recap what we did. If nothing else, it's a great way for me to look back on our year and remember the things we did, especially some of the things I may have forgotten about!

We started off the month of December with Josh being gone at a work conference. While he was gone, I kept busy with work and a couple of fun things. The first was a tradition with my friend S.S. We always go to a pottery painting place before Christmas each year. This year, I made a cute mug for Josh for Christmas! I couldn't wait to give it to him, so he got it in the middle of the month.
Later that evening, our church had a big tree lighting celebration. They erected a huge "tree" made out of a telephone poll and lots of pretty lights. It was a really fun night! Our friends K.W. and S.W. invited me to dinner beforehand and then we went together.

The mug I painted for Josh. I love that it has a cute tail!

The following day, I hung out in the evening with K.W. and S.W. at our church's cafe! Normally it's only open on Sunday mornings, but this year they decided to have it open each evening to raise money for a local shelter. So we spent the evening enjoying some yummy hot drinks.

The next day, Josh came home!

The following day, we went to a fun Christmas party at our friends D.W. and F.W.'s house. We ate a lot of great food, tried mulled wine for the first time, and took some fun pictures. It was a great night! We left a little early in the evening because we had to get up early the next morning...

For a trip to Disneyland! You can read all about that trip here.

After we got back, Josh and I met K.W. and S.W. at our church's cafe. Josh wanted to go and see the tree since he missed the lighting celebration.

The following day, L.B. and her girls came over to watch Elf with us! We had a fun night munching on popcorn and laughing a lot.

Later that weekend, we had a little reunion Christmas party with our former marrieds group. We had a fun evening with great food, fun games, and great conversation. It was really fun to get together again to celebrate Christmas!

The next evening, we went out to dinner with some friends and then went ice skating! I did not participate in the ice skating, as I am horrible at it, and I knew falling would probably not be the best plan for my body. But I had a lot of fun taking pictures and videos of everyone else skating!

Later that week, we met some friends for a quick dinner before seeing Star Wars on the night it premiered! I will not spoil it for anyone that has yet to see it...but I highly recommend seeing it if you like Star Wars!

The following evening, I had a Christmas party at my house with some of my girlfriends. I read about this party in a blog post that The Honey Pot wrote a few years ago, and I've been wanting to have this party since. The basic idea is that instead of doing a traditional or white elephant gift exchange, each person brings a gift that represents something God has been teaching her this year. As each woman arrived, I handed her a number. When it was time to open gifts, the first woman picked a gift to open. After she opened it and showed everyone, the woman who brought that gift explained why she brought it. It was a really incredible night and I was so blessed to hear the hearts of all the women that were there. I think it's going to have to become a yearly tradition for us, as I'm really excited to hear and see what God does in their lives this next year!

The next day, Josh and I attended a white elephant Christmas party that our friends C.Z. and L.Z. had at their house. I think this was their 5th year of having it. It was a great turnout and we had a lot of fun. We left a little early, because I had a wine night planned with L.B. to celebrate Christmas! We had a wonderful evening together.

The next day, we had planned to go to a spot up in the mountains to check out redwood trees with dot35, but it was storming really hard that weekend, so we figured it probably wasn't the best plan. Instead, we ended up grabbing lunch and then we headed to a cider reserve and got to try some yummy ciders. They also gave us a little tour of their facilities and let us taste some of the other liquids they are distilling, as well as some of the apples they use to make their cider. It was a really fun experience! After that, we came back over to our house and had pizza and watched Inside Out. It was a really great day.

The next day, I wrapped all my gifts while Josh and I watched the live action How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I then watched the Santa Clause 2 after Josh went to bed.

The following day, I had a get together in the evening with some dear friends. We enjoyed some wonderful homemade hot cider, some yummy snacks and treats, and had a great evening talking and sharing our hearts.

The next evening, we went out to dinner with a couple of friends and then checked out a local Christmas tree lane! I had been wanting to check out Christmas lights all month and we finally had a free night to do so.

The next night was Christmas Eve! Josh and I spent the day together and then headed to a Christmas Eve service at our church with my sister. After that, we went over to my grandma's house to celebrate Christmas with my mom's family. After that, we went over to Josh's brother's house to spend some time with some of his family.

The next morning, we went over to my parents house for our traditional Christmas breakfast together. The boys took their annual Christmas pictures after we opened presents and then we watched part of A Christmas Story on TV.

After that, we headed to Josh's parents' house to spend Christmas with all of his family. His oldest brother and his family were in town, and almost all of Josh's aunts and uncles and cousins were also there. It was a full house but it was fun to see everyone together.

After that, we had the dot35 crew over to play games. We ended up playing Just Dance and the boys played a sports challenge game as well. It was a great way to finish off the day.

The following day, S.S. had a girls day at her house. We played a really fun game called Jackbox and drank wine and ate yummy fudge made by S.S. and her family. Later that evening, Josh and some of his friends had MansMas (they watched Die Hard and did manly stuff, apparently), and I had a couple of girlfriends over to play games. It was a really fun day.

The next day, we went to see Star Wars (again) with my parents and my sister and her hubby. I unfortunately got a migraine right before it started so I spent most of the movie with my eyes closed. But I was glad they were all able to see the movie!

And finally, we ended the year with a little New Year's Eve get together with a few friends.

Things God has been teaching me this month:

I must say that I felt very honored and humbled to hear the ladies at my All About Jesus party share their hearts. Some of the things they shared really challenged me. One was about how we spend our time, as what we choose to spend our time on is what is important to us. Another was about how God made each of us with different personalities, like snowflakes, and we should give those that annoy or have different personalities than us grace. Some really awesome reminders for the new year!

Other things this month:

I'm pretty sure we were able to watch almost all of our favorite Christmas movies and we listened to a lot of Christmas music! And our tree lived for almost a month without completely dying! I'd say that was a win-win!

We also had some other random hang outs and such with friends. I had some really great conversations this month and I'm really excited to see how God continues to move in my life, as well as in the lives of those around me.

I still can't believe 2015 is over! Here's to 2016!

I had such a hard time picking pictures for this year's collage. I had over 300 to choose from, but I tried to pick some of the best ones from some of my favorite memories!