Mid-Twenties

My little sister turned 24 today.
She posted on her Facebook about how she felt old...because she's almost in her mid-twenties. I thought it was kind of funny, but I just sort of shrugged it off. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I am in my mid-twenties. I am right there, in the midst of it all.
I don't think I got the opportunity this year to really contemplate my birthday and getting older...and turning 25. With everything that was going on with my uncle and my crazy obsessive three months, I don't think I truly stopped to ponder what it means to be 25. I am in my mid-twenties. I am no longer closer to being a teenager than I am to 30. I am well on my way there. Less than 5 years away.
So I started thinking about where I was at 20, 5 years before now. How different my life was back then. Josh and I became friends and started dating when I was 20. I experienced that wonderful "first kiss" with him that year. We dated...broke up...got back together...broke up...got back together that year. But the day I turned 20, I had no idea any of that would happen. I never would have guessed that 5 years from that day, I would be married to Josh, who I barely even knew at the time. In fact, I remember on that birthday, I had given up the idea of having a boyfriend for awhile. I had been single for a year and a half and had been hoping to find Mr. Right in the near future. But when I turned 20, I gave it up to God and said, "Whenever you want to bring him along, that's fine. But I'm done looking". Funny how God works sometimes, huh?
Now, I sit here at 25, looking back on the last 5 years, and wondering what the next 5 have in store for me. There are definitely a few things I would like to happen in that time frame, but realistically, there is no way for me to know that they will. But that's the thing I love about dreams...
Dreams give me so much hope. I love it when that moment comes in the middle of the day, when a wonderful idea or thought pops into my head and I think, "Yeah, I'd like it". I dream of what those things would be like in my life, how different they would make my world, and how much I'd enjoy them. It's those dreams that make this short road to 30 seem more bearable.
Someone asked me the other day if the thought of being 30 scared me. But the truth is, it really doesn't. The day I turn 30 might scare me a little, knowing my twenties will be gone, but I think 30 is going to be amazing.
I guess I just like to look at it in light of how the 20s have been so far. While I've had my share of heartaches and trials, I've had so many wonderful blessings to make up for them. I can't even imagine how different my life would be at this point if my 20s would have gone differently...even in the slightest way. These past 5 years have molded me, changed me, and shaped me into the woman I am today. The woman who is eagerly looking forward to what the next 5 years hold. The woman who is trying to live every moment and enjoy what it brings, knowing that the moment after it is going to bring even more amazing things.
So I am embracing this place in life, these mid-twenties. I don't feel old, but I definitely feel older than I did at 20...but in a good way. I feel more mature, more relaxed, more focused, and more excited about life. And that is what makes the mid-twenties worth it.

Girlfriends

Today, I had lunch with some of my girlfriends...
Girlfriends...
When I think about the word girlfriends, it reminds me of jr. high.
I was your typical awkward, emotional teenaged girl, trying to understand all the changes that were happening in my life. Not only was I growing up and really starting to like boys, but I was beginning to notice and feel the effects of catty girls.
I didn't have a lot of friends before then. I had one best friend, maybe two, and we hung out mostly at church or school. But it seemed like I had no friends in jr. high. They had all either gotten all into their looks and spent hours putting on makeup and talking about boys, or they found cooler, smarter, prettier friends to spend their time with, and I was forgotten about.
I remember one day in particular that my mom had taken my sister and I out for pizza when I just broke down. I started crying and asking my mom why I didn't have any friends. I just felt so lost. She told me it would just take time, that all the catty girls would eventually grow up, or that I would make new friends.
In my experience, the catty girls never grew up... Well, they did...but they never grew out of the catty stage. They just got older and did even more catty things, with other catty girls they met along the way. So, that left me with the option of new friends.
I met some amazing girls in high school, one of whom is still my best friend to this day. I keep in contact with a few others, but mostly, I have lost contact with a lot of the people I knew then. Sophomore year in high school, I remember looking back on jr. high and smiling at the sad memory of myself crying in the pizza place. If only I'd known back then how much better life was going to get in just a few years.
Of course, I still had plenty of run-ins with catty girls through high school...and beyond. But at least I had other girls on my side, girls who liked me for me, whether I wore makeup and cute clothes or not. Girls who saw me for who I really was...inside...and not just how I looked or who I liked.
College brought many other friends...some of which I still have and cherish so much (another best friend came from that time in my life as well). More changes took place and I started valuing my friendships so much more. I started to understand the importance of having women in my life, not just to hang out with, but to truly pour into my life, as I poured back into theirs.
And now, having been married for over two years and having more women in my life that I consider friends, I understand what my mom and so many others meant when they said they had "girlfriends". Because being married or seriously dating someone is fun, don't get me wrong. I love spending time with Josh...growing closer to him, learning more about his quirks, overcoming obstacles together, and just learning what it means to truly love someone. But I need females in my life, too. I need girlfriends. Not just for hanging out or going shopping, but to talk to, to connect with, to vent to, and to laugh with.
My girlfriends mean so much to me. Those women in my life who, whether we see each other all the time or not, we can get together and it's just like old times (thanks, Amy G., for putting it into words so perfectly). Those women who, even if we haven't known each other very long, I can talk to about important things in life, and we can learn so much from each other. Those women who, even if we aren't close in age, I have so much in common with, and we can share our journeys in life, no matter how different they have been.
I have never been popular, I am not super pretty, I don't wear the latest fashions, I don't have it all together, and yet, I don't care. None of those things matter to me, and they don't matter to my girlfriends, either. It's a beautiful thing, being able to be yourself and not worry about how long it's been since you've shaved your legs, or gotten a manicure, or bought a new pair of jeans. My girlfriends love me for who I am, because they love me the way Christ loves me. And that, is the very best kind of girlfriend to have.

Easter Weekend

My weekend was so busy and crazy, but so enjoyable. It's late and I don't really want to write it all down, so I created a collage instead for your enjoyment :)

Pressing On...

It's so weird to me...the way life works...
Two blogs ago, I wrote about the obsession that had taken over my life. And, how I had realized what was going on and decided to let it go.
It's amazing what letting go can really look like...
I haven't hardly struggled with it at all. I barely even think about it once a day. It's crazy to me that letting go of something that bound me so tightly has changed so much of my life.
I am still trying to figure out how to get everything in my life back on track, but not obsessing about that one thing has freed me so much.
I have this desire to just write and read and soak up so much in life. I just want to enjoy every second that I can. I don't want to go to bed anymore. I just want to stay up and learn and discover things I didn't know before. But, I force myself to sleep so I can energize myself for the following day.
I have been having vivid dreams lately, too. It's crazy to me. I used to dream every night...for years and years and years...and yet, they seemed to kind of go away the last couple of years. Not that I wasn't dreaming sometimes, but it seems like I'm dreaming a lot more...or maybe I'm just getting the right kind of sleep. Maybe trying not to obsess about things freed up my mind at night as well as during the day. Hmm...what a concept, huh?
I just feel different. I want to take care of myself, to get things done, to seek out others and pour into their lives. I've even been making it a point to try and put makeup on every day. That may seem like a silly thing, but I love experimenting with all my eye shadow colors and coming up with different combinations. It's like painting a tiny picture on my face, a picture I can manipulate and change every day to display something different, something exciting, something unique. If that's crazy, I'm ok with that. But truly, I think it's fun to put on makeup. These last couple of months, I haven't had a desire to do that. It's amazing how one little thing consumed my thoughts and changed everything I did in life.
I also am trying my best to just be me. To be the person God created me to be. To trust Him to lead me into situations, into people's lives, to do His will. It's not always an easy or fun road, but it's the road I've chosen, and it's the road that's bringing me a lot of joy in life.
I am reminded of my year verse from 2009. The women's Bible study I used to be a part of got together on the morning of January 1st, 2009. We made these really cool bookmarks. The main part of the bookmark is a verse. The other part consists of nine different colored ribbons, each representing a woman and her past and future. We each picked a color that we liked or we felt represented ourselves, and shared about our previous year and what we hoped the year 2009 would bring us. I keep this bookmark tucked in my Bible, in whatever passage we are going through in my Wednesday night Bible study. Each time I look at it, I am reminded of that morning, those women, and what those ribbons represent. I also love to read through the verse that we chose to use as our year verse. It is Philippians 3:12-14 (NLT):
I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be....I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I strain to the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.

That is what I want. I want to forget about my past and keep looking forward to what God has for me. It is the only way I can live my life right now, and it's the only way I want to live it from here on out.

Old School

I have had the urge to listen to The Benjamin Gate for the last couple of days. But, every time I thought about listening to them, I was on my way somewhere and couldn't listen to them (I only have their songs on my computer). Today, I had the urge again, and actually had the time to listen to them. I had forgotten how much I liked them, back in the day.
I remember listening to them with my sister in high school. It brought back a lot of fond memories...
One of the songs really hit me hard in what I've been dealing with lately (what I wrote about in my last blog).
I don't think it was a coincidence that I had that urge.

P.S. The song is called Need, if anyone is interested in listening to it or looking up the lyrics. It's a great song.