On Being Myself and Friendships

One of my biggest hopes for this past year...well really the past two years...was to feel like I could be myself around my friends.

I have such a hard time sometimes worrying about what other people think of me. So much so that I often won't speak up or just stay quiet in situations where saying something is probably really beneficial.

I'm still not great at this, but I have definitely seen some major improvements in myself.

A couple of my friends who know me the best and have actually experienced the real me don't even live near me anymore. But it is truly so refreshing to know that I can pick up my phone and text or call or email them and pour out my heart or voice my concerns...and they totally know what to say. I definitely have this kind of relationship with some of my friends that live near me as well and it's such a blessing.

I'm not a perfect person. I screw up on a daily basis. I say and do things constantly that I know I shouldn't. But it's so encouraging to know that my friends still love me, still encourage me, and still want to hang out with me, in spite of all of that.

I really don't feel like I express my gratitude enough for my friends. I have been so very blessed with amazing people in my life that I seriously don't know what I would do without. God always knows what we truly need and He is so faithful in providing it. For a girl who spent many years of her life without friends or with only one or two, I truly appreciate His provision for this time in my life when I really need strong, amazing friends with beautiful hearts.

So today, I just want to say thank you to all of my wonderful friends. I am so incredibly blessed by all of you.

In Remembrance

On this day, the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I just wanted to take the time to remember.

As it is now 12 years ago, the memories of where I was when I found out and the horrible pictures and images we watched on the TV screen are starting to get a little fuzzy...and I don't want to them to. I don't want to forget.

It was a horrible day, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. My heart was breaking for all of the families who lost loved ones. For all of the people who lost jobs. For our country that would never be the same.

Yet it was also a very encouraging time. I remember people praying so much more. God and His love and provisions were talked about on national television as if that was the norm. Our country was brought to its knees and turned its eyes upward.

I don't ever want to forget that day and all that it brought and all that it meant.

This picture is still one of my favorite images. In spite of all the wreckage and carnage and horrible things, we still stand.

On that day, I was never more proud to be an American.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families who lost loved ones that are grieving today.

Shifting

I feel like my heart toward blogging is shifting again.

I have had one of the toughest, most emotional years of my life...and it's kept me very closed off. There are many things I don't feel like I can share with the outside world...and yet so many things I wish I could.

I love blogging about what's on my heart and what I'm learning and struggling with, in the hopes that it will help someone else who may need to hear my words. But I also know that some things are just too much or too personal and can't be shared, in spite of what benefit they might have to someone reading them.

Because of this, my blogging has become more sparse...and most of the topics I do choose to write about have become very light and happy.

It has been good...going through this journey and changing and molding and adapting. I don't want to lose my love of writing and sharing my heart...but I also want to be sensitive and mindful of what I'm sharing.

Because I've pulled away so much, I've lost many of the connections I had with other bloggers. I would email other bloggers quite often and comment on their blogs. There were many bloggers I wanted to meet in person and have coffee with someday. I wanted to go to a couple of different blogger conferences, but was never able to afford the cost of getting there. And I've stopped doing many of the weekly link ups I used to enjoy so much.

Sometimes it stings a little to know that I've lost some of these connections, because there are some truly amazing female bloggers out there with incredible hearts. But one thing I noticed about myself when I was constantly trying to connect with these women was that I was disconnecting myself from the real world. I wasn't connecting with the women that were right in front of my face, in my daily life.

So even though it hurts a little to know that I've probably missed out on some amazing opportunities and conversations, I'm very thankful that I identified this problem. I have a hard enough time connecting with the women in my life right now, let alone women I don't even know in person. I need to focus on what's in front of me instead of on what could have been.

Ain't that the story of every area of my life...

With all that said, I really do want to make blogging a bigger part of my life. I spend far too much time wishing I was better at it instead of doing something about it. Like I do with many areas of my life. So, it's time to make a change.

I am excited to share my fall and Christmas inspirations, the pictures of our latest fun trip and all the fun stuff we have planned through the end of the year, and the things on my heart that I feel comfortable sharing.

A new season is quickly approaching (even though the weather would suggest otherwise) and it's time for a new season to begin for me in blogging.

About Me

I have a hard time being myself sometimes. 

I am not always the nicest person. 

I don't always treat my husband the best. 

I let words come out of my mouth that I should fight back. 

I bite my tongue too often in situations where I should speak up.

 

I worry too much about how others will look at me if I... (Fill in the blank)

I don't read my Bible or pray enough. 

I like to control things in my life and not let things go for God to handle them. 

I need need NEED alone time every week or I go crazy. 

I am in chronic pain every single day of my life. 

I am learning more and more to cherish my friendships and the time I have with people...because life can change in an instant. 

I like to have an occasional drink and I love to dance. 

I have a serious love affair with all things Disney. 

I wasted a lot of time being obsessed over getting pregnant and freaking out over every possible symptom or everything I might have done wrong to possibly hurt my chances. 

I am a planner and I like to have my ducks in a row. I don't handle last minute plans very well at all. 

I physically need a massage every month. 

I tend to hope for the best but prepare myself for the worst these days, especially after everything I've been through in trying to have a baby. 

My heart hurts so much when my friends and family are going through trials and hard times. 

I have changed my eating habits so much this year and I don't even have cravings for Coke or McDonald's French fries or Jack in the Box tacos anymore. 

I can be very social, but I am definitely an introvert. 

My husband and I have gone through so much in the 8 and a half years we have been together, but we still love each other and wouldn't trade any of our hardships for anything. 

Witnessing my bestie give birth this year healed my heart in so many more ways than I ever would have imagined.  

I could read and watch Harry Potter over and over again and never get sick of it. 

I seriously wish every month could feel as special and magical as December does for me. 

I could definitely move to Colorado Springs in a heartbeat if God ever decides to call us there. 

I am a big chicken when it comes to deep water and going on rides where you fall straight down, but I have overcome my fears of speaking and singing in front of people. 

If every season could be pumpkin spice season at Starbucks, I would be one happy (and probably really unhealthy) girl. 

I am very guarded in sharing some aspects of my life, but have no problem sharing others. 

I really don't enjoy cooking very much because I'm too impatient for it. Yet I love to bake and have endless patience for that (I'm kind of an oxymoron). 

I can be very creative but it comes in waves. I used to be a big scrapbooker but I haven't started a new project in the last four years. I was on a jewelry kick for awhile but I haven't done that in a long time either.

 

I've had a hard time reading books since I first read the Harry Potter series. Comparing anything to those books just seems wrong (though I did really love the Hunger Games and Divergent). 

I used to save all of my movie stubs. I think I still have practically all of them from a 12 year period. I kind of stopped saving them after I got married. 

I have learned so much more about faith and trust and hope this year.

And I still have so much more to learn.

Summer and Some Other Randoms

This summer has been one of the best that I can remember.

Not only has our weather been pretty fantastic, we've just been able to do and experience so many fun things. I always think it's cool when parents make a summer bucket list of things to do with their kids during summer break. And while I definitely have never made one for myself, I feel like most of the things I would put on there I've been able to do this summer.

Camping, making s'mores, beach trips, going to the boardwalk, cabin trip, star gazing, eating watermelon, bbqing, night swimming, cards playing, root beer floats...so many wonderful memories.

I seriously look back on the last couple of months and just smile. This year has been one of the hardest I've ever experienced...but it's also been one of the most beautiful. In the midst of crazy trials, God has been so faithful, and we have been able to experience such beauty and joy. 

Here's a few pics to reflect on what we've been up to lately...and to highlight some of my favorite moments this summer.

Camping trip with family in June

At the W's Wedding. I'd say we all clean up pretty well

Lounging by the pool 

Dinner with two of my favorites after a fun day at the beach 

4th of July cabin trip

Family BBQ

Beach worship and baptisms

A night of dancing

My sweet friend E.H. and I! They came home for the weekend and we got to lead worship together. It was such a special night.

This girl was in my high school discipleship group...and now she's a college grad! She makes me feel pretty old.

At an engagement party. I got to spend some quality time with this beauty...who also happened to be wearing polka dots.

 Also from the engagement party. I don't see this lovely friend nearly enough!

I can't overemphasize how blessed I am with my friends and family. I honestly don't know where I would be without these beautiful people that love and encourage me in so many wonderful ways. I'm so very thankful that God placed all of them in my life when He did, at just the right times.