I feel like I just experienced one of the toughest, but most amazing weeks in my life. This time on Sunday night, I never would have thought I would feel the way I do this very moment. I am probably going to have a really hard time putting it all into words, but here goes...
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...
1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.
I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!
No comments:
Post a Comment