New Inspiration

I feel like 2010 has been a blur...
It's almost three full months in and I feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy any of it yet...
Not to say that I haven't had happy moments, or happy days even, but I feel like I haven't truly allowed myself to experience 2010 yet.
I had all these expectations for what I thought 2010 was going to bring me. Beautiful, wonderful things. More time with friends and family and my husband. More opportunities to grow and learn from those around me. More time to just rest in God and know that He has my life under control. And yet, I don't feel like I've really done any of those things...or at least, done them well...
I got an e-mail from a very dear friend yesterday. I have been sharing with her some of the things in my life that have been burdening me the past couple of months...and every time I sent her an e-mail, she would send one back with a little advice...but always pointing me back towards God and letting me know she was praying for me. I greatly appreciated everything she was saying and doing for me, but I wasn't really listening to her advice. But then, I got yesterday's e-mail and all of that changed...
This friend has known me for many years. We have gone through so many things together...and watched the other go through things we couldn't experience together. We have shared so much with each other and yet, I know there are many things we haven't shared. But, in spite of it all, she has remained one of the best friends I have and will ever have...because she is always honest with me. I think sometimes she is afraid of offending me and doesn't tell me how she really feels right away...but in the end, it always comes out. This e-mail was definitely one of those honest moments.
As I read the words she was writing me, I felt like a light bulb clicked on in my head. I felt like, suddenly, things were starting to make sense.
It wasn't as if she wrote me things I'd never heard before. It wasn't like this sudden unknown truth came out of her mouth. It was definitely stuff I had heard, many times before, but suddenly everything made sense.
I have been a very unhappy, obsessive, controlling person for quite some time now. It's not very obvious to those around me, because I keep it hidden well underneath the surface. But, whenever I was alone with my thoughts, I was constantly thinking of ways to control my life, to change it, to make it the way I wanted it to be...and when I wanted it to be. I could think of nothing else. Day and night, it was all I could do to not think about it. And, she saw this...in all the e-mails I'd written her, thinking I was being clever and not making my obsession obvious...she, being one of my greatest friends, saw right through me. She called my bluff. She told me it was time for a change...and she was right.
I can't even begin to describe the impact her e-mail had on me yesterday. It was all I could think about. And yet, not in an obsessive, controlling, "oh now I have to do this and this and this to make things right" sort of a way. I just seriously pondered it...
I love how amazing God is. I love the mysterious ways He works in our lives. I love the fact that He uses those around us, those who love and care for us and know us better than almost anyone else, to shake us and move us. I love that He constantly speaks to us, even when we refuse to listen. I love that He desires so much for us to let go of the reins of our lives and let Him have control, because His way is truly the best way.
And so, when I had a free hour to myself today, I decided it was time to make some good changes in my life. Not to control everything and make my life this perfect image for others to see, but to truly understand what it means, and how it feels, to fall in love with my Savior again.
I looked up the word refuge on Biblegateway.com, to see how many times it's used in the Bible. God spoke to me at a women's worship night a few months back to "Take refuge in Me"(Him). I found so many great verses about taking refuge in God. And, that is what I plan to do from here on out. I know He has my BEST interests at heart...and I know He has wonderful plans for my life...and I know that I don't need to have all the answers and have control of everything for those things to happen...because He does...and that is enough...FINALLY, that is enough!
One of the things that really stuck out to me that my friend said in her e-mail was that maybe I should start writing again. Even though I do blog occasionally, I knew that is not what she was referring to. My life used to revolve around writing. I wrote letters to many pen-pals and friends all growing up. I wrote short (and long) fiction stories that I thought I would one day have published. I wrote hundreds of poems...some to God, some to friends, some about things I was experiencing in life, and some about things that I was passionate about. I wrote in a journal almost every day for a good 10 years straight. I have so many filled up journals put away, with pages full of old memories...good and bad. When we got the internet, I wrote tons of e-mails. I had a group of friends that wrote daily devotions and sent them out to whoever wanted to read them. Everyone took a different day and wrote a devotion to encourage everyone else. I wrote and wrote and wrote...about so many different things. I even wrote prayers out to God. The point is, writing was a huge part of my life. Not a day went by without me writing one of those things I mentioned above, if not more then one of them. And yet, there came a day when the writing ceased...I can't pinpoint exactly what day that was, but it has been some time. So long, in fact, that I don't even know that I could just sit down and write a poem off the top of my head anymore. Such a crazy thing to think about...especially because my goal was to write a poetry book someday with all of my poems in it. I had even started categorizing them.
All that to say, I thought all day yesterday and today about writing. About how good it used to make me feel. About how my whole day could have been horrible...and yet, writing in my journal or writing a poem down on a fresh piece of paper would make everything seem ok again somehow. And I realized something...
I miss it...I miss it more than I even realized...I knew I had a hole in my life from not truly devoting enough time to God...but I also had a hole in my life from not writing. Writing is the reason I wanted to get an English degree. Writing has been the core of my life since I was in 3rd grade and started filling the pages in my Lion King diary. And yet...I let it all slip away... But no longer...
I started a new project late last night. A dear couple bought Josh and I the coolest wedding gifts. They are these books that you write all these things about yourself in...childhood nicknames, favorite vacation spots growing up, what Sundays were like in your house...and you pass them on to your children. It's like leaving a legacy of your life for your children to read and cherish throughout their lives. These books have been sitting on our bookshelf since we got married, collecting dust. They have only moved as we have moved. So, last night, as I had this huge desire to write, I found my book and started writing in it. It has a page for every day, in which you answer a different question about your life. It is my goal to write a couple of days worth every day until it is finished. I feel it is so important to leave this legacy of my life, even though I screw up and fall so short so many times, for my future children. I want them to know that their mom doesn't have all the answers...but that she has had an amazing journey in this thing we call life...even though it's hard at times, it's still worth it.
I have also started journaling again. While I love blogging, there are just some things I cannot, and will not, post on the internet for the whole world (or even my friends and family) to see. It is so refreshing to pick up a pen and just write down my thoughts.
As this is probably my longest blog thus far, I just want to close with this...
I think many times in life, we feel we are making the best decisions for ourselves. We feel that nothing else could be better than doing things the way we feel is right. But sometimes, many times, we are leaving God out of the equation. We think we can handle things on our own and do things our way, because we know what we need. But the truth is, God is the only one we need. He has all the answers. He wants control of our lives. He wants us to trust Him and to learn to rest in Him. He wants to offer us refuge.

As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. -Psalm 18:30 (NIV)

Find that refuge, my friends.