About a year ago, I sensed major change coming in my life. And it came...and it came...and it came again.
I have been experiencing a lot of change this past year.
Things I never would have expected to happen in my heart have been happening.
And yet, I know there is still that part of me that holds back, that doesn't want to embrace the changes, because I'm too comfortable where I'm at.
I started singing on the worship team at church again, after taking almost a year off. When I first stopped singing, it was kind of nice. My schedule was a lot more free, I didn't feel like I had to be anywhere on Sundays anymore, and I just felt a little relieved, to be honest. I really didn't see myself going back to it. And yet, God called me back. He spoke through a few different people in my life and made it very clear that He wanted me in that role again.
And honestly? It's been a huge blessing.
But, that is only one change I've had to deal with...and that one was pretty painless compared to some of the others.
For someone who has experienced a lot of disappointment and faced the reality that many of my dreams may not turn out the way I hoped, change can be very difficult.
Yet in everything I've been studying, or hearing from other people, or reading about, one thing keeps coming up: life will bring disappointments, I have to make a choice how I'm going to respond to them, and I can't get through them without God's help.
My church hosted a women's conference a few weeks ago. The woman who spoke was a.maz.ing. It was very apparent to me (as well as to every other woman in that room I am sure), that she was speaking God's words that day. Everyone I talked to felt like God was speaking directly to them with the words she was saying. It was that spot on. I honestly had never experienced that in such a powerful way before.
The craziest part? The things she spoke on lined up exactly with what my women's Bible study was going over that week. Taking thoughts captive and not allowing lies and the negative things we tend to believe about ourselves take root. Acknowledging that those thoughts are not of God and learning how to refute them and how to not allow them to creep in so easily. It was so good and so needed.
The part that spoke directly to me was hard to hear, but it made so much sense to me. She made a statement that maybe God is not giving you what you want because you would be satisfied with that and not with Him.
Ouch.
And yet, I know it's true for me. With as many months as it's been since I first longed for a baby, and in spite of all the ways I've grown and all the things I've learned in this process, I know myself...and God knows me, too. I would lose sight of Him. Oh, I would be really happy at first and I would be thanking Him all the time. But how quickly would that fade when that little person came into this world and I had everything that I have been wanting for so long? Would I really need God anymore at that point?
It's really hard for me to type that out, but I'm just being honest. I know my personality and I know I would probably lose sight of God pretty quickly in the midst of all of that. Not that I would completely turn my back and never follow Him again...but He would definitely be a lot lower on the totem pole.
(this picture makes my heart melt)
My heart for this blog for the last few years has been to share my story...all the good, the bad, and the ugly...because maybe God will use my words to speak to one of you. Maybe the things I've gone through or the things I'm still struggling with will encourage you to walk closer to Him and to trust Him more.
That is still my heart.
I've just realized this past year that I need a lot more balance in my life. It's really easy to get caught up in this blog world and lose sight of the people that are right in front of you. I could easily spend hours each day reading blog post after blog post, emailing different bloggers back and forth, and writing post after post after post. And, there is nothing wrong with that...it just doesn't work for me. My husband needs more of my attention, my real life friends need to connect with me and I need to connect with them, my family needs to see my face and hear my voice, and most importantly, I need to spend quality time with my God.
So while I will still be here and I will still share my heart, my encouragement to myself, as well as to all of you, is to spend time with those that are important. I need a hug just like the next girl, and unfortunately, those don't come through the computer screen. I know I can still be a blogger and be a part of those important relationships in my life: it just takes a willingness to make both happen.
And, I promise you...I am willing and ready to do both...and to do them to the best of my ability.
2 comments:
That statement was great! "Maybe God is not giving you what you want because you would be satisfied with that and not with Him."
I think it is great at how honest you are being with yourself. We often think that we will continuously praise God or follow but life does get in the way.
However, after saying that, a baby gives us so much opportunity to praise, plead, worship, yell at...all of the above, to God! I was so involved in my church as a newly married women and I kind of felt the same way as you. Having a baby would take my attention away from what is important (God)
Four kids later I think completely differently. Each day there are so many challenges, questions, praises and things to teach your child; you can't help but have God involved.
It took us probably close to three years until we were matched with the boys. I kind of felt like you. God isn't allowing this because I will not have my full attention on Him. I will not have my attention on my girls. If He gives me this one thing that I want more than anything, I will be satisfied. I won't be dependant on Him. Finally I gave up that thinking and God gave me these two wonderful, boys who have turned my whole family upside down and NOT in a good way. I have had to lean on God more these last two years than I have ever had to in my whole life.
Some times it has nothing to do with anything other than timing. If I had been given these boys when we first started looking into adoption I would have not been able to handle. We wouldn't have had the finances. I wouldn't have had the knowledge. My girls would have been to young. I wouldn't have made it and I would have turned away from God, looking back now, knowing the things we have gone through the last two years. God knows and understands the whole picture. it is just so darn hard waiting!!!:0(
BTW..LOVE your Blog!!
Cute blog! I just found yours through Living in Yellow!
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