My Story

I have really been feeling like God is calling me to share my struggles with more people.
While I know this is what He wants, and it must work out in His plan for my good somehow (or someone else's good), it scares me to death. I am so nervous of the reactions I will get from people. I am nervous of people being insensitive and teasing me about my body not working right. I am nervous about people being pissed that they were not informed before others. I am nervous about the fact that this is going to make me very vulnerable...and many people will see my weakness during all of this. I am also nervous that people will be wary to tell me about their good news, thinking it will upset me.
Yet...
I KNOW God will work this out for good. I KNOW that no matter what reactions I get, I will be able to get through it. I KNOW that if people do tease me or say mean things, that I am not their judge...they will answer for it later. I KNOW that no matter what happens, good or bad, this is what God wants, and I have to obey.
So, I am going to type out my story here...as a trial run. I want to make sure I include what needs to be included...and not go into too much detail where it is not needed. While I wouldn't have seen this as a part of my testimony a few months ago, I am definitely seeing it that way now. Maybe my sharing this will help someone else who is struggling with the same thing not to feel alone. Or, maybe it will help others with control issues to realize how important it is to give things up to God. Regardless, this is my story...and I know God will use it for His purposes.

Josh and I had originally decided to wait three years to start having babies. Once we had been married for a year, we decided it was time for me to go off birth control. While we weren't really "trying" to have a baby yet, we weren't preventing it either. After 8 months had gone by...and still no signs of a baby...I decided to e-mail my doctor. I wasn't concerned that something was wrong; I simply wanted her opinion on what I should do to try and figure out when I was fertile. Her response to my e-mail kind of worried me. Due to the details I had given her, she was concerned there might be something wrong with me. She sent me to get some blood work done, which had to be taken on certain days of the month.
I did the blood work when it was needed and waited on the results. From what I could tell and understand, my blood work looked normal. My doctor, on the other hand, thought that I probably had PCOS (a condition in which a woman either doesn't ovulate or it doesn't happen very often). I made an appointment to discuss what she thought that would mean for us. So, at the end of the 8th month, Josh and I went to see her. She told us that she didn't think I was ovulating and wanted to put me on medication to jump start my cycle, followed by a medication called Clomid to cause me to ovulate. She wanted to do a pregnancy test, just to make sure I wasn't pregnant, before putting me on the meds...right then. I was very skeptical and so was Josh. I told her I would rather wait a few more months and try and figure out what my body was doing on my own. It was very hard emotionally to go from asking for her advice one week, to three weeks later thinking about going on fertility medication.
I had a very rough week after that. I didn't really know what to do or think. I was worried there might be something wrong with my body...and that I'd have to resort to fertility medication...but I didn't want to do so any time soon. The following weekend was the Women of Faith conference. I went, very nervous, not knowing what to expect. My heart was a little hard. I admit that I was a little upset with God for what was going on. I wasn't expecting to get anything out of the conference...I just figured I would have a nice weekend with some friends and come home to figure out what to do. Boy, was I wrong...
God worked SO much in my life that weekend. He spoke to me so clearly about so many things. But, the biggest thing I came away with was something He spoke to me...more than once...during the conference: that I was going to have a child. I was overjoyed, refreshed, renewed, and my heart was no longer hard. I was ready for what God promised, and so thankful that He heard my cry, and answered.
Two weeks later, we had a family birthday party to attend. At this point, only a handful of people knew we were trying... My aunt (who was not one of those people) pulled me aside, telling me God had spoken to her about be two weeks before. She said God told her she was going to get news within three months that I was pregnant! I started bawling, so overjoyed that God had confirmed His promise again. Yet, when I first walked away from that night, I didn't think it would literally be three months; I was just excited that He had spoken to someone else about it, too. However, two weeks later, things would change...
I began reading books, visiting websites, buying thermometers and ovulation kits, and talking to whoever I thought would have information for me about getting pregnant. I spent countless hours analyzing the "signs" I would experience, trying to pinpoint my fertile days, and how to make it all work out quickly. I can admit now that my mind was completely consumed with getting pregnant. Whenever I was at home by myself, all I did was think about it, read about it, or try and figure out what the next best plan of attack was. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, nothing was working.
Three months came and went...I was so depressed, so angry that my aunt was wrong. Even though I tried not to let the number mean so much at first, it became so important. And when it passed, I felt so empty. I felt like God didn't care, that He obviously didn't want this for me, and that I shouldn't believe in His promises. I felt like I was either crying all the time, or sulking, or falling into a deep pit. I was rude to Josh, I was ignoring my responsibilities as a wife and leader, and I was being a horrible friend.
I e-mailed a dear friend of mine who works as a nurse, asking her questions about other things I could be doing, and asking her advice on what she thought might be the problem. I asked her if certain herbal remedies worked or if I should take certain vitamins. I'm sure I sounded like a crazy, but I didn't feel crazy at the time. She replied to my e-mail and told me that she thought I wasn't allowing God to work in me. That I had taken too much control upon myself and there was no way God could fulfill His promise with the way I was being...obsessive. At first, I got angry at her e-mail. I didn't want to hear it. Then, I realized she was right. I wasn't letting God do what He needed to do in me. I wasn't allowing Him to work things out in His timing. I wanted it to happen right now...when it was convenient for me, not thinking that maybe it wasn't right for now.
So, I took a step back. I stopped reading, and going on websites, and asking people's advice, and taking tests. I just decided to let God do His thing for awhile. I wish I could say that was the end and I was fine giving up my control at that point...but I wasn't. I continued to struggle with it for another 4 months. I had good days and bad. Some days, I let go and let God work on my heart. Other days, I took my control back, not trusting that God knew what He was doing. During that time, I got pregnant...and had an early miscarriage. It was very tough for me. I knew I was pregnant...I had tons of signs, my temperature was high (just like it's supposed to be when you're pregnant), and I just knew. But then, the bleeding started...and I knew it was over. I don't think I truly realized for a couple of days that I was experiencing a miscarriage...but I knew there was no chance I was pregnant anymore. I cried a lot...I was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, that I didn't go out and do much. I spent time praying to God, trying to understand why this baby wasn't allowed to live outside of my womb. I never did get the answer I was looking for...but through it all, I learned to keep trusting God.
I am still learning...more and more everyday...what it looks like to trust God and give up my control. It's not easy...I feel I have failed more days than not...but I'm trying. I am still not pregnant, I am still hoping and wishing and praying that a baby will come soon...but I'm also asking for God's timing and His will.
I have looked back on this journey and seen the growth and the work God was able to do in and through Josh and I during this time. I know we would not have been able to do even half the stuff we did this year if we were pregnant or had an infant. I have asked God many times if He wants me to take the fertility drugs and I kept hearing a very solid "No". So, I know He is going to do something amazing in our lives when it is time for our child to enter this world.
I feel like a completely different person from the woman I was in that doctor's office last November. I feel like I have a better understanding of patience, trust, faith, and hope. I feel like I am going to be a much better mother whenever it happens then I would have been a year and a half ago. And, most of all, I am excited to see what God is going to continue to do through Josh and I...and someday through our child. It's so mind boggling to think that something the two of us create can possibly serve God and seek after His will. I am very excited to meet our future child, the one God has promised to us, and I know God is going to continue to prepare us to be the parents we need to be for that precious one.