I have been struggling the last couple of days with the news that my uncle, while he is conscious and somewhat aware of what is going on around him, is refusing to eat. I know that he tried to kill himself, so he obviously was done living when he did that...but I was hoping this would be a second chance for him. The fact that he lived through it meant that God had a plan for him still being here...right? I just couldn't believe that God would let him live for a couple of weeks longer, only for my uncle to decide that he doesn't want to live and he's done...again.
But, my ways are not God's ways...me thinking that I could ever comprehend the ways of God is putting God in a box...a Breeann box. I know that God is working through this whole situation, even if it is tough to see at this very moment why things are turning out the way they are.
I have been reading through James, as we are starting a study on James in my Bible study this week, and I was struck by this section, as I am every time I read it:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (vs. 2-4)
Pure joy...how many times do I really look at tough situations and try to muster up the joy I need in my life to get through them? That doesn't mean that I have to be happy and smiling at the time; it means that I am relying on God to get me through and knowing everything in my life that is good comes from Him (see James 1:17). Sure, life is going to be hard and have its rough moments, but that doesn't mean that I turn my back on what I know to be true in this life. And, I don't have to understand everything on my own. If I am leaning on my own understanding, I will never understand. Instead, I need to lean on God (see Proverbs 3:5-6) and seek His wisdom (see James 1:5).
So, while I may not understand why God allowed my uncle to live through this, I know that God works all things together for good (see Romans 8:28). Somehow, some way, God will be glorified in this situation, and someone will be affected for the good. My prayer is that my non-believing family members will turn their hearts to God and learn to trust Him, as they never have before; and that those who do have a relationship with God will be strengthened during this time, not disheartened.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Birth and Death...and Everything in Between
This week has been a little crazy...
We found out what my best friend's baby is going to be!! It was so exciting to be able to share in the joy of their new baby girl :) I am already looking at cute outfits to buy her :)
I turned 25 on Thursday. I didn't know what to expect from 25, but I soon found out...
My mom called me in the morning and asked if I wanted to go out to lunch. I got ready and waited for her to call to say she was on her way. When she called, she didn't have very good news...
My uncle took antifreeze on Wednesday night. He was rushed to the hospital on Thursday morning, but he had been unconscious for quite a while before that. The doctors said things were not looking very good and did not expect him to make it through the night.
He made it through the night...but his journey has been and will continue to be rough. They took him to another hospital and gave a couple of dialysis treatments. He is starting to respond a little, but it's still too early to tell what the effects of the antifreeze are truly going to have on him.
So, instead of going to lunch, we went to the hospital and spent time with family. We canceled our college group and stayed available for family.
I had plans to go out with friends on Friday night for my birthday. I was feeling like I should cancel after everything that happened on Thursday, but my aunt told me that I needed to do it. She told me I deserved to have a little fun for my birthday. I am really glad that I didn't cancel. I needed that time to watch a silly movie and eat cake and have a good time with some of my greatest friends.
But the thing is...I don't feel 25. I don't feel like I just celebrated my birthday. I just feel...weird. I don't know if it's because of the emotional roller coaster I just went through this last week or what, but I just feel...kind of like I'm going through the motions. We had a family celebration for my birthday today and I just felt kind of blah. Josh and I got everything ready, made sure everything was clean and presentable, but I just felt...out of place. It felt like everyone else was more excited for my birthday and about celebrating than I was. I was so exhausted when everyone left. I was falling asleep on the couch at 5pm. I mustered up the energy to go to church tonight and still felt like I was kind of just there...but not really. I don't know when this feeling is going to go away...or really why it's even here...but I don't like it very much at all... I guess I just didn't expect 25 would feel like this. Then again, I don't know what I thought 25 would feel like...
We found out what my best friend's baby is going to be!! It was so exciting to be able to share in the joy of their new baby girl :) I am already looking at cute outfits to buy her :)
I turned 25 on Thursday. I didn't know what to expect from 25, but I soon found out...
My mom called me in the morning and asked if I wanted to go out to lunch. I got ready and waited for her to call to say she was on her way. When she called, she didn't have very good news...
My uncle took antifreeze on Wednesday night. He was rushed to the hospital on Thursday morning, but he had been unconscious for quite a while before that. The doctors said things were not looking very good and did not expect him to make it through the night.
He made it through the night...but his journey has been and will continue to be rough. They took him to another hospital and gave a couple of dialysis treatments. He is starting to respond a little, but it's still too early to tell what the effects of the antifreeze are truly going to have on him.
So, instead of going to lunch, we went to the hospital and spent time with family. We canceled our college group and stayed available for family.
I had plans to go out with friends on Friday night for my birthday. I was feeling like I should cancel after everything that happened on Thursday, but my aunt told me that I needed to do it. She told me I deserved to have a little fun for my birthday. I am really glad that I didn't cancel. I needed that time to watch a silly movie and eat cake and have a good time with some of my greatest friends.
But the thing is...I don't feel 25. I don't feel like I just celebrated my birthday. I just feel...weird. I don't know if it's because of the emotional roller coaster I just went through this last week or what, but I just feel...kind of like I'm going through the motions. We had a family celebration for my birthday today and I just felt kind of blah. Josh and I got everything ready, made sure everything was clean and presentable, but I just felt...out of place. It felt like everyone else was more excited for my birthday and about celebrating than I was. I was so exhausted when everyone left. I was falling asleep on the couch at 5pm. I mustered up the energy to go to church tonight and still felt like I was kind of just there...but not really. I don't know when this feeling is going to go away...or really why it's even here...but I don't like it very much at all... I guess I just didn't expect 25 would feel like this. Then again, I don't know what I thought 25 would feel like...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Prayer
I have really been struggling with prayer lately...
It's not that I don't pray. I do...occasionally. I do when a need arises. I do when I am getting frustrated or worried or scared. I do when I don't know where else to turn. But, I don't think I truly understand what it means in 1 Thessalonians 5 where it says, "Pray continually".
I understand the concept. I understand that it means I need to live my life in a constant state of prayer. Where everything I say and do, I am speaking to God and asking for His guidance, will, and direction. Where I'm pleading on behalf of those around me who are struggling. Where I am praising my God for the blessings He's putting in front of me. I understand the concept...but I don't think I've ever truly put it into practice.
I think it's precious when little ones pray before meals or pray before they go to bed at night. And, I think it's so important that they learn how to talk to God when they are young. Unfortunately, I think many times we all continue to live our lives only praying that way. I know every time Josh and I sit down to dinner together, we pray before we eat. But, we aren't praying every time we go out to eat or every time we grab a snack. We aren't always thanking God for the food we eat before we eat it. It's almost like a routine for us, a habit we've had since we were little; that we only think to pray when we are having a formal meal together. It doesn't mean that I'm any less thankful for the food, but it means that I don't truly understand how to live my life praying continually.
I hate the fact that I don't stop and pray for someone every time they ask for it. I will get a text or an e-mail, asking for prayer, and many times I don't stop what I'm doing to pray for it. Why is that? Why do I only remember to pray for others when I'm at church or at Bible study and someone else brings them up? Why am I so unwilling most of the time to take a moment in my day to pray for someone?
We are going through a new series in church on the book of Philemon. We went through the first 7 verses of this very short book on Sunday. It hit me during the message that I really need to learn to stop and take the time to pray for others. Again, it's not that I don't...I just don't always do it as often as I should. But beyond that, to pray for them even when they haven't asked for it. It blows me away to know that the senior pastor at my church prays for each and every person by name that fills out a connection card at Calvary. That's a good 1000 people! It got me thinking that if he can take the time out of his busy schedule to pray for 1000 people every month, I can certainly pray for all of my family and friends as well. And, not even just that I can, but I truly want to now. I truly want to lift up those around me. I know they go through stuff just like I do, but I don't always know when and what they are going through. I don't want to only lift them up when I know something is wrong, I want to lift them up every opportunity I get.
I also just want to be a better encourager. I have many amazing people in my life that send me encouraging texts or emails quite frequently and I am so grateful for them. I want to be a better encourager. I want God to put specific people on my heart that need to be encouraged. I want to be a better servant of Christ. I want to be more like Him in every aspect of my life. I know it's going to be hard and I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I want to wake up every day with a desire to pray for and encourage those around me to keep going on this walk. To keep looking up to God for direction and wisdom. To keep seeking His will. I don't want to learn more about Him to keep it to myself. I want to learn more to share it with others and encourage them to walk closer to Him. That is my prayer for today.
It's not that I don't pray. I do...occasionally. I do when a need arises. I do when I am getting frustrated or worried or scared. I do when I don't know where else to turn. But, I don't think I truly understand what it means in 1 Thessalonians 5 where it says, "Pray continually".
I understand the concept. I understand that it means I need to live my life in a constant state of prayer. Where everything I say and do, I am speaking to God and asking for His guidance, will, and direction. Where I'm pleading on behalf of those around me who are struggling. Where I am praising my God for the blessings He's putting in front of me. I understand the concept...but I don't think I've ever truly put it into practice.
I think it's precious when little ones pray before meals or pray before they go to bed at night. And, I think it's so important that they learn how to talk to God when they are young. Unfortunately, I think many times we all continue to live our lives only praying that way. I know every time Josh and I sit down to dinner together, we pray before we eat. But, we aren't praying every time we go out to eat or every time we grab a snack. We aren't always thanking God for the food we eat before we eat it. It's almost like a routine for us, a habit we've had since we were little; that we only think to pray when we are having a formal meal together. It doesn't mean that I'm any less thankful for the food, but it means that I don't truly understand how to live my life praying continually.
I hate the fact that I don't stop and pray for someone every time they ask for it. I will get a text or an e-mail, asking for prayer, and many times I don't stop what I'm doing to pray for it. Why is that? Why do I only remember to pray for others when I'm at church or at Bible study and someone else brings them up? Why am I so unwilling most of the time to take a moment in my day to pray for someone?
We are going through a new series in church on the book of Philemon. We went through the first 7 verses of this very short book on Sunday. It hit me during the message that I really need to learn to stop and take the time to pray for others. Again, it's not that I don't...I just don't always do it as often as I should. But beyond that, to pray for them even when they haven't asked for it. It blows me away to know that the senior pastor at my church prays for each and every person by name that fills out a connection card at Calvary. That's a good 1000 people! It got me thinking that if he can take the time out of his busy schedule to pray for 1000 people every month, I can certainly pray for all of my family and friends as well. And, not even just that I can, but I truly want to now. I truly want to lift up those around me. I know they go through stuff just like I do, but I don't always know when and what they are going through. I don't want to only lift them up when I know something is wrong, I want to lift them up every opportunity I get.
I also just want to be a better encourager. I have many amazing people in my life that send me encouraging texts or emails quite frequently and I am so grateful for them. I want to be a better encourager. I want God to put specific people on my heart that need to be encouraged. I want to be a better servant of Christ. I want to be more like Him in every aspect of my life. I know it's going to be hard and I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I want to wake up every day with a desire to pray for and encourage those around me to keep going on this walk. To keep looking up to God for direction and wisdom. To keep seeking His will. I don't want to learn more about Him to keep it to myself. I want to learn more to share it with others and encourage them to walk closer to Him. That is my prayer for today.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
So this is the new year...
Yep, it's almost here. So weird to think that we are heading into 2010...
I have been thinking a lot about this past year...looking through all the pictures of all the stuff we've done this year.
Two trips to Disneyland...
a sister trip to Monterey and two trips to LA to see the best friend...
a fun-filled Santa Cruz girls weekend for a friend's birthday...
many family and friend birthday celebrations...
five weddings (two of which were siblings' weddings)...
graduations of great friends...
a fun beach trip with family...
the Women of Faith conference...
our 1st wedding anniversary and celebration of being together for four years...
babies being born and conceived...
moving into a new place and rejoicing with other family and friends who moved into bigger places...
the blessing of new jobs and restored jobs for family and friends...
So many amazing things happened in 2009.
It's definitely had it's rough moments, but as I look back, all I see are the good times we've had. I am looking ahead to 2010 with great anticipation. I know many of the wonderful things we were able to enjoy this year will repeat in the new year...
More friends are getting married, having babies, and moving into new homes. We will have more birthday celebrations and graduations to attend. We will celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary and five years of being together. But most importantly, we will be given the opportunity to wake up each morning and praise our Savior for the many blessings He's given us and the ones to come.
2010, you are going to be a GREAT year!!
Monday, December 7, 2009
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