Motherhood

Today is no different than any other day of the year...and yet it is.

I've been off birth control for over five years now. My journey has had many ups and downs, but thankfully, the ups have been most frequent in the past couple of years.

I look back sometimes on those first few years, in the moments where I thought getting pregnant would be "easy", and I smile at that naive version of myself. Of course the possibility of it being hard was in my mind, but not in the forefront. I figured I would have a baby in my arms within a year or two of trying.

But even though I'm past the days of obsessing over getting pregnant and trying to figure out when I'm ovulating, Mother's Day is still a hard day. And this year, I don't even feel like it's so much a hard day for me...it's a hard day for some people I love very much (and for some people I don't even know).

Someone very dear to me experienced an incredibly difficult loss last year. She carried a baby for nine months that she was only able to hold for a few minutes while she was alive.

A sweet friend's sister is never going to be able to carry her own children, because the cancer took that ability away from her.

A woman I only "know" from the blogging world and on Instagram lost her son in such a tragic way a little over a week ago.

Mother's Day can be incredibly painful.

So today, I not only honor the mothers in my life who have physical children here on this earth, who have raised amazing men and women, who struggle to keep their homes clean in the midst of dropping kids off at soccer practice, who lose hours upon hours of sleep every week getting up to feed their sweet babies, who get on their knees every night and every morning and pray that God brings their son or daughter back to Himself, who love their kids so much they would do anything for them, who cry over photo albums and remember when their babies were little...I honor all mothers. Even the ones who don't have "children" of their own.

A friend shared this quote with me this week from a Bible study she is doing and I loved it so much, I wanted to share it here as well:

You do not have to have physical children to do some effective parenting. Recall how often the apostle Paul referred to Timothy as his "son," though their only blood relationship was in Christ.

I take great comfort in this, and I hope you do as well. God has brought many "children" into my life over the years that I have been able to "parent" and love in such a way as if they were my own. And my friends and family have some incredible kids that I've been able to love on and learn a lot from. I also have a beautiful goddaughter that I love with all of my heart. I may not be a momma in the traditional sense, but I promise you that my quiver is full of a lot of arrows.

May you reading this, wherever you find yourself today, remember how much you are loved by an incredible Father. May you remember that He sees you, that He collects your tears, and that He has an amazing plan for your life. It may not always look the way you want it to, but your life is beautiful. It may be messy and full of heartache at times, but it's not always going to be that way. This is a season and someday a new one will arrive...and it will bring it's fair share of good and bad...but it will still be beautiful.

And someday, you will look back on today, and whether it was a happy or sad day, you will smile, knowing that God loved you and was right there with you, even if it didn't feel like He was.

Happy Mother's Day, to all the amazing women I know, who are currently mothers, soon-to-be, or still waiting for a miracle. You are incredible and I am so very blessed to have you in my life.

Recent Things

It has been such a long time since I've written a post (almost a month!) that I decided it was time to do so.

A lot of stuff has been going on lately, good and bad, and I think after how busy the first three months of this year were, I just needed to take some time to recuperate before I could process a lot of my thoughts.

Following our trip to Colorado, a lot of fun things happened.

I threw a little somewhat surprise birthday dinner for one of my favorites. I only told her I was picking her up at 5pm. She had no idea I had invited other people to join us. We had a lot of fun that night celebrating her and just being together.

We had a potential new senior pastor come to our church. That week was full of different get togethers and opportunities for us to get to know him and his wife better. Unfortunately, things didn't work out, so our church is still in the process of looking for a new senior pastor. But I know that God has great plans for our church, so I'm holding onto that during this sometimes hard time of transition.

I started a new love affair with loose leaf tea. I've been an avid tea drinker for over a year now but this was my first time really delving into the world of loose leaf. It's been grand and I've really enjoyed trying new teas. Josh is also a big fan of the ones I've brought home so far.

We celebrated my sister's birthday last month. It was a fun lunch party that ended up turning into an all day affair. We played games and enjoyed each other's company. I love having days like that.

Easter was a really wonderful day. Our church decided to have two services happening simultaneously this year, with two different worship teams, while video streaming the sermon into the alternate venue. I was on the worship team in the alternate venue and it was really wonderful. The service size was a lot smaller and felt a lot more intimate. It was a great morning.

The lily we bought in remembrance of a family member that passed away last year 

We spent the rest of the day surrounded by family. We went over to my parents's house first and enjoyed a wonderful meal over there. My mom invited my sister's brothers-in-law and sister-in-law over as well, so that was also fun. And, I made everyone take some family pictures, since we hardly ever take pictures together. I just wasn't able to get one of just my parents or of the six of us, but I was still happy with what I was able to get. After that, we headed over to Josh's brother's house. They had a house full of family, which was a lot of fun. Josh and his brother went to see a movie later that evening while us girls stayed behind and relaxed outside and talked. It was the perfect ending to a great day.

The following weekend we went to our friend's family's cabin for the weekend. We went there last year over 4th of July weekend and had a blast. This year, we stayed indoors most of the time because it was very cold. But we did get out for a nice walk along the lake and went exploring a little in one of the nearby towns. It was a really fun trip. We stayed up far too late every night, laughed so hard most of us were crying at different points, and just enjoyed each other's company. It was very relaxing and I'm so glad we were able to go again.

This past weekend we had a women's worship night at church. I helped lead worship and lost my voice in the process! We practiced beforehand for two hours and then sang for two hours during the event. I'm finally able to talk normally today. It was definitely worth it, though. It was an incredibly tender time of worship and it was such a blessing to be able to serve all of the women there. And my beautiful friend worship painted throughout the night. She is incredibly talented and her paintings turned out so beautiful.

Photo credit to my sister-in-law

The following day we had a BBQ with Josh's family. It's the last time all of us are going to be able to get together like that for awhile, as some of his family members are embarking on a new journey. It was nice to have one last hurrah together.

As far as other things that are going in my life, here are a few snippets:

My sweet friend and her daughter (and son on the way) moved back to the US. They have been overseas for the past year with her husband who is in the military. Since she is going to be giving birth soon, they decided she should come back here to deliver. I am incredibly excited to have them back here and I'm so glad I will be able to see them often! I'm also excited to get to know her daughter better, as she is mine and Josh's goddaughter.

I read an amazing book with a couple of friends. We started a little book club and we finished our first book a few weeks ago. It was Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. Seriously amazing true story of Louie Zamperini's life. I was incredibly inspired by it and am looking forward to seeing the movie later this year.

I have lots of other things on my mind, but this will have to do for now.

On Women and Community

God is really stirring up some things in my heart about women and how we should interact with one another.

I have been reading a lot of blog posts about a women's conference that happened last weekend in Texas called HopeSpoken. I love the fact that the women there were encouraged to share their stories and to be there for each other in authentic ways. We as women are not supposed to walk this earth alone. And many of us are in stages in life where we desperately need relationships with other women.

I went through a phase when Josh and I first got married where I only wanted to spend time with him. I loved my friends, but I felt like every spare moment we had (which were very few and far between in those days), had to be spent together. After a few months of this thinking, I finally realized how much I missed my girlfriends and girl time. It became something I craved and needed on a regular basis. And it's something I still need and crave on a regular basis.

I wish with all my heart that all of my most cherished friends lived around the corner from me, but none of them do. Some don't even live in the same state or country, let alone the same city. But even so, I am incredibly thankful for the ways in which we are able to communicate.

My oldest friend and I have been through so much together. We have seen and experienced a lot of good and bad in each other's lives. We have walked with each other through some very ugly and pretty times in each of our lives. And God has used every one of those moments to shape and grow our relationship...we are still friends 14+ years later and I think that is a huge testimony to how God has used us to help mold and shape each other over the years.

One of my other dear friends has been in my life for 11+ years. We have had some really hard times in our friendship but we have also had some incredibly beautiful ones. Each of us have dealt with a lot of heartache in the last couple of years and I am so thankful that we have been able to be there for each other. She challenges me in so many ways and I am so thankful for her.

One of my other most cherished friends has been in my life for about five and a half years now, but we have only really been friends for about four years. And I would say that our relationship has only blossomed and grown in such beautiful ways as the time has gone on. She has been one of my greatest cheerleaders in life and she always has the right words to say...even if I don't want to hear them. We have both walked through some really tough situations with our sisters and having the other person there through it all helped each of us so much. I honestly don't know if I would have gotten through the past year without her.

I have many other women in my life who mean so much to me and have been incredible friends...and I could honestly write about all of them for days. But the focus of this isn't to brag about how incredible my friends are (even though that's totally true). It's to emphasize how incredibly important it is that we as women have other women cheering us on, have girlfriends that we are in community with who are a part of our village (even if that village extends many miles), and have faithful friends who love us through every circumstance in life, even when we may not love ourselves very much.

The majority of the women I have in my life are not very much like me. We have things in common (some more than others) but life would be boring if every single one of my friends was just like me. I need women in my life that have differing views on things and that enjoy different music and activities...and who don't have an obsession with Starbucks (though I think many of them do). But most of all, I need women who can challenge me to think outside of the box sometimes, who will make me ask and answer tough questions and who will point out the things and attitudes in me that aren't so pretty. I value honesty and authenticity so much in my friendships. I hate masks and I hate feeling like I have to wear one, ever. I want to be me and to be real. And while I don't think I can be 100% me with every person in my life, I'm so thankful that I can be with some.

I truly believe that God calls us into community with one another and calls us to carry each other's burdens. If I needed to hop on a plane and be in Colorado tomorrow morning because my beautiful friend needed me, I would figure out a way to get there and go. If I need to rearrange a busy weekend or cancel all of my plans because a friend is going through a really hard time, I absolutely will. God calls us to love one another, as much as we love ourselves. That means that I have to be willing to do for my friends what I would do for myself, if I were in those situations. It means I sometimes have to put my agenda and my plans aside and focus on what is much more important. It means I have to be Jesus in someone else's life, because He's put me on this earth and in their life for that very reason.

So while I'm still learning all of the time what it means to be a good friend, I'm so thankful for the things God has been showing me about the ways women need each other.

A Plane Ride and a Full Heart

A few weeks ago, we got to take a really fun trip to spend time with some of our favorite people.

On the plane, so excited to see our friends!

Reunited with my CO bestie!

We went to the Ivywild School building, which houses Bristol Brewery and Pub and some other businesses in this former schoolhouse. It's such a cool concept of taking a building with that much history and turning it into a successful part of the community. On the left, a Bristol Brewing Beehive. On the right, an Old Fashioned. Both were delicious.

It had been almost two years since we'd been in Colorado, so it felt so amazing to be there again.

Oh how I love those mountains

At the park with the kiddos

John and Josh

We went to a few restaurants we hadn't been to before, spent a lot of time laughing, watched a couple of really good movies (including Catching Fire!!), ate a lot of Emily's fantastic cooking, had some really great conversations, got to play with their kiddos, went mini golfing, went to the movies (we saw Non-Stop), had a girls dancing night to celebrate Emily's birthday, went to their church and got to hear John lead worship again, got to experience a whole day of snow, drove through Garden of the Gods, and just reveled in our time together.

We went and bought Catching Fire the morning it came out on BluRay, because we are kinda obsessed.

 The hubby taking a selfie in the snow

The only picture I took in Cheddar's, which was delicious. It was snowing when we were there.

So glad I was able to celebrate this beautiful friend's birthday. I love her so much.

From our dancing adventures. We went to the Ritz first and had some really yummy martinis. We then headed to Blondie's. King's Chef Diner was our final stop. We had a really fun night.

We also met up with Josh's dad, who is working in the area now. He took us out to lunch and then to the Manitou Cliff Dwellings.

 Josh and his dad in front of the Cliff Dwellings.

Unfortunately, as always seems to be the case, our time went by way too fast and I'm already wanting to buy another plane ticket. It's so hard to have people that I love living so far away, but I'm so thankful for the time that we do spend together. And thank God for texting and social media and all the other ways that we are able to connect when we are apart!

Two of our favorite kiddos! We had so much fun with them. 

 Garden of the Gods

God always teaches me a lot when we take trips out there. I always come back very thoughtful and pondering a lot of different things. I think the biggest thing from this trip was how important it is to surround ourselves with good friends, people we can trust, and people we can have true community with. We spent a lot of time on our trip just hanging out and it was perfect. My heart was so full sitting on the couch, drinking a beer with one of my best friends, appreciating our friendship. We talked about some heavy things and some very lighthearted things, and I cherished every single moment. It was probably my favorite trip thus far.

Currently

Reading: I've been reading the Mortal Instrument series. I'm in the beginning of City of Glass right now, but I put it on hold as I've also been reading Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. A couple of my friends and I have started a little book club and that is the first book we picked! It's been really interesting so far. I love history and reading about true events, so it's been a really fun read for me.

Eating: After a few weeks of eating (and drinking) a lot of extra calories, I've been trying to get back into the swing of eating more healthy foods. I'm back to eating lots of Greek yogurt, cuties, edamame, avocados, broccoli, and fish. I'm still a huge green tea addict and drink it just about every day, if not more than once a day. Though I do have to have ice cream a couple of days a week. It's been a big weakness for me lately.

Loving: The fact that I've gotten to spend a lot of time with the people I love lately. 2014 has been a great year so far filled with friends and family. I'm missing some of my loved ones oh so much these days, but I'm trying to cherish the moments I do get to spend with them.

Watching: We binge watched Veronica Mars this past month to try and get through the whole series again before the movie came out. We ended up having to skip a couple of episodes and only watch a couple of partial episodes to get caught up before we went to see the movie with some friends. It was all worth it and I LOVED the movie! Now, we are trying to catch up on all of our regular shows since we didn't watch very many of them for a couple of weeks. We did, however, make sure to watch the Walking Dead each week. And let me tell you, that show makes me so tense!! I'm always so nervous about something bad happening to my favorite characters. I get way too attached to these peeps.

Looking Forward to: seeing Divergent this weekend! One of my sweet friends just finished reading the whole series a couple of weeks ago, and it was so fun for me to talk about it again with her. I love that series so much and I can't wait to see the film adaptation of it. Though, I am not really sure that I like the choices of actors to play my favorite characters...but we shall see when I see the movie.

Thinking About: How nice it is to listen to music again while I'm writing a blog post. I used to always listen to music when I blogged, but then I got into the habit of watching TV or having something on the TV so there was some background noise. I really prefer listening to music. I think it helps a lot more with my writing process.

Wishing: Oh man, for so many things! I am really wanting to be in a women's Bible study again. A friend and I have been talking about starting another one, but our schedules have just been so crazy these past couple of months. I really hope it will happen soon, though. I'm really craving that time with other women.
I'm also wishing I could bring all the people I love that are spread out across the country (and even in other countries) into one place. Maybe someday we will all have the means and the time to take an epic vacation together and spend some major quality time with one another. I would love that.
I'm also wishing I could be in Disneyland again in the near future. I'm so thankful that we were able to go so much last year, but now that they've finally re-opened Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, I'm having major withdrawals.

(The Currently blog post idea initially came from Danielle of Something Sweet though Ilene of Much Love, Illy is the one that always reminds me of it)