See Ya Soon

Life is amazing to me sometimes.
I have been thinking so much this week...about so many different things. I have sat down numerous times to write a new blog...but each time I did...I couldn't find the right words to articulate what I was thinking. I am hoping this time, it works.
We watched the L O S T series finale last weekend with two sets of couples that we love dearly. One set we've been watching L O S T with each week for the last two seasons, while the other set just started watching it in January...and caught up just in time to watch the finale with us. It was bittersweet watching the finale together, because it wasn't just the ending of L O S T...it was the ending of life as we've known it the past almost two years.
There will be no more L O S T dates each week. There will be no more opportunities to tell friends about how amazing this show is...and for them to be able to watch the final episode with us (well, at least not for the first time). And, the six of us will never be able to hang out like that ever again.
Before I continue with that thought, I feel I owe it to myself to try and write down some of my thoughts on L O S T as a whole.
Josh and I were never "religious" TV watchers. When I was growing up, my family used to watch certain shows every week...but only if we were at home or able to watch them. There was never a need to watch a show from start to finish...or even to watch the episodes in order. Shows like Full House and Family Matters didn't necessarily need to be watched in order anyway (at least, that's how I felt then). But, all that changed for us about three and a half years ago...when the sixth season of 24 started. We watched an episode with Josh's brother and were instantly hooked. From then on, we began watching episodes of different shows religiously...from beginning to end. And, we discovered we actually really enjoyed doing that. So when Josh stumbled upon L O S T, and we watched the first episode, we were hooked.
We watched the first four seasons in less than 3 months. There were lazy Saturdays where we watched 8 episodes in a row, because we just HAD to know what happened next. We then had to wait about 4 months before the 5th season started...in which time we re-watched all four seasons.
Anyway, to make a long story short, we really enjoy L O S T. Not only was the mystery a huge draw to us, but we love the emphasis on the characters and their stories. Never before had I cared so much about a character's back story then I did while watching L O S T. And while we had our own theories along the way of how it was going to turn out, we were definitely surprised throughout the sixth season as we got some of our questions answered.
The finale was no different. It delivered the amazing character stories we'd known and loved, while answering a few questions, and emotionally drawing us in. When the two and a half hours were finished, I had the biggest lump in my throat from trying not to weep. My eyes definitely welled up with tears more than once, but I was too embarrassed to weep in front of those other five people. And yet, I'm not sure why I felt that way...as most of them were crying and fighting back the tears as well.
While the finale of L O S T did not answer every question I had, I felt satisfied with the way it ended. Because I realized the importance of L O S T and the part the fans enjoyed the most was not the mysterious part...but the relationships between the characters. The relationships are what shaped and molded the direction of the show. The relationships are even what mattered the most in the ending. Those years the people on Oceanic 815 and the others on the island spent together were the most important years of their lives. They found purpose, forgiveness, love, and a camaraderie that they had never known before. The events they went through together shaped the rest of their lives, as well as their "afterlife".
I think that is why I got so emotional. Because the more I thought about it, the more I realized how important relationships are in my life. While I have had many different times of growth in my life, these past two years have definitely brought the greatest growth. The people I have met have shaped me, challenged me, and lead me to the places I've needed to go to find out more of what God wants for me. Whether the people in my life were only there for a short time, or will be there for the long haul, they have all made an important impact on who I am as a person...and I will never be the same because of them.
So to go back to why the six of us will never be able to hang out like that again...the second couple of the two are moving back to their home this week. Even though I feel like Josh and I have only really gotten to know them pretty well in the past six months, they have been in our lives for almost two years now. And even though that is not that long, they have impacted our lives in amazing ways.
We had to part ways tonight. It was much harder than I thought it would be. Not knowing them extremely well, I had no idea I would be this emotional. And yet, I have been thinking about them leaving non-stop for a week now. We were able to spend a good five hours with them on Friday night...chatting, sharing stories, and learning more about each other. And it wasn't awkward at all. It was so natural...like we'd been best friends for years. The wife said it perfectly tonight as we hugged each other through our tears:
She told me that she felt like she and I had this really cool bond...that really couldn't be described in words. We just felt comfortable with each other and she knew she could trust me. She also said that she knows we are going to be okay, that this isn't the end, and that we are going to stay in touch. It warmed my heart immensely to hear her say that, as that is exactly how I feel about her.
When I gave her the final hug for the evening at Chipotle, she told me she would see me soon...and I know that she will. This is not the end of our friendship...it is only the beginning. We may be separated by hundreds of miles, but in our hearts, we will always be close.
Our newfound friendship reminds me so much of L O S T. While the time we've spent living in the same town may be over, our bond will never be broken. She has been a huge part in the most important part of my life thus far, and for that, she will never be forgotten (and that horrible lump in my throat from the finale is back again...oh, dear tears, it is ok to fall).
See ya soon, dear friends. You will be missed, but we will see you very soon.

Wonder

Four hours ago, I would have said I was pretty down in the dumps.
We headed home from church, declining offers to go get dinner (since it's not in the budget to do so for the rest of the month), but pretty bored and trying to figure out what to do. We got home and I sat down on the couch, just feeling icky. Not sick, but bummed icky. I was feeling alone, sad, bored, tired, and hungry all at once. Alone because I know I have a couple of friends who really need to talk right now, but they don't want to...and I can't do anything about it. Sad because my heart aches when I see people hurting. Bored because I spent most of the day at home, not doing anything, and was hoping for a more eventful evening. Tired because...well, I don't know on that one. I got plenty of sleep last night, so I'm not sure why I felt so exhausted. And hungry...well, that's pretty self-explanatory. Anyway, I just wasn't feeling like my usual self.
Josh suggested watching a movie, so I got on my iPod Touch, hit the Redbox app, and looked for something interesting. I stumbled upon The Invention of Lying, which I remembered seeing commercials for last year, but we never saw. I thought it sounded interesting enough, so Josh went and picked it up. Josh made himself some yummy pasta, I ate my leftover sandwich from yesterday's lunch, and we put the movie in the Xbox. It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be, but it was thought provoking enough to keep me interested, and it helped lift my spirits a bit.
After the movie, Josh headed for bed, and I logged onto Blogger to see if any of the other blogs I follow had new posts. And, I got a great treat! One of my favorite blogs that I follow had a new post. The woman (Kelle) who writes the blog is an amazing photographer, she writes so beautifully (I feel like I am sitting in her living room with a cup of coffee in hand, listening to her speak to me), and her story amazes me. Her blog can be found here One of my friends actually blogged about Kelle's blog a few months back, as one of her friends had stumbled upon her blog. I enjoy reading her blog so much, and I know many others would enjoy it as well.
Anyway, reading her blog made me feel completely better. I just love how the pictures she posts and the words she writes just make me feel so much more content in life. Which reminds me...
The sermon at church tonight was on the final commandment: Do not covet. And, one of the verses they used was Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV):

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

This verse has popped up so much in my life lately. We are starting the book of Philippians in the college group, so it first popped out at me from reading through it a couple of weeks ago. I keep being reminded of it whenever someone talks about being content. The sermon tonight just capped it off. I know God wants me to be content with what I have, and obviously it is something I definitely need to work on. So funny how He works that way, huh?

So Proud

I am tired and don't have the energy to write much, but I am so proud of the young people in our college group. Watching the way their lives have changed these last few months has been a wonderful growing experience for me. To hear their questions, to see the light bulbs click on, and to listen to the notes and the things they studied ahead of time just gives my heart so much joy. I am excited for a new chapter in the college group, as we have graduating seniors joining us now. I think God is and will continue to do some amazing things in our group...and I can't wait to see it happen.

May

It is now officially May.
We had lots of April showers, so I am expecting some beautiful May flowers. In fact, I need some May flowers. Some pink tulips, and yellow roses, and white daisies. That would make things all better.
It's weird what spring does to me. Each year, when the weather starts shifting from the cold gusts of winter to the warm, gentle breezes of spring, I have this immediate flashback to every spring from high school until now. I remember nights at youth group, watching the boys throw the football. I remember going on walks around the neighborhood with good friends. I remember the time I tried roller blading with my best friend and falling into her neighbor's rose bush. I remember the text message Josh sent me that day at Delta when we met for lunch for the first time (with Kevin W). I remember the trip to Disneyland I took with Laura, Catherine, and Josh to hang out with our friends down there. I remember the smells of freshly made fudge at Hallmark. I remember the drives Josh and I used to take and the serious conversations we used to have on those drives.
But even though all these wonderful memories flood my mind, I can't help but feel a little sad. There's something about spring that does that to me. Maybe it is the fact that I will never be able to live those moments again. Maybe it is the fact that winter is over and I have to put away my sweaters and warm socks. Or maybe it is the fact that spring around here brings April showers, and they make me long for more of the sun.
Whatever the reason, spring bums me out more than it cheers me up. And yet, God still reminds me that He's with me, even through the spring. This is how He reminded me tonight:

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:12b-13 (NIV)

So tonight, in the midst of my blues, I am learning to lean on God more and more. I can do everything with God's help. I can conquer these spring blues. It is a new month and I am embracing it. I am looking forward to May flowers, May weddings, May birthdays, and May dates. I am going to be content in this spring and know that God is with me...and has never left me...

Influences and Role Models

I had a really good conversation with a great friend last night.
Our husbands were busy fixing computer issues, so we had a couple of undivided hours to just talk and hang out. It was so refreshing.
Somehow, we got on the subject of the stars (as in famous people) and how crazy it is the way those of us that aren't stars follow their every move. How we feel the need to know who's dating who, who just divorced, and who got drunk and did something embarrassing again.
Our conversation then shifted to the stars who start out as role models and progressively become more "mature" as the years go on. Since my friend has kids who are very into the Disney channel and Nickelodeon, she was talking about the concerns she has when these "role models" go bad. One day, a singer is promoting abstinence and the next she is flaunting her now fake body for the whole world to see. We even talked about the shows on TV that start off with a Christian family with good morals and two years later, all the kids are hooking up with whoever they can get their hands on.
It got me thinking about how much value we put in life on role models. Whether we realize it or not, all of us, no matter how young or old, have at least one person that we look up to. It may be a singer on American Idol who started off living a life very similar to our own...and gets a great record deal. Or the woman next door who keeps a perfectly clean house...and has the three most well-behaved children around. Or even the guy who works his butt off to lose weight...and succeeds. We all look up to someone and wish we were more like them. And sometimes, it is definitely unintentional.
I then started thinking about the influences we have in our lives. The people we choose to surround ourselves with definitely have an impact on how we act and who we will become. My friend and I were talking about how easy it is to keep sinning or struggling with something when we don't have someone in our lives to confide in and get accountability from. It's like, the fact that no one knows about it keeps us from being embarrassed about it, so it's easy for it to continue. And how, when we allow ourselves to have those open, honest relationships with others, we tend to not struggle as much...or if we do, we will feel guilty about lying about it when asked how things are going.
I know there have definitely been times in my life that I have ignored things I was struggling with and pretended they weren't an issue. I wasn't telling anyone about them either, so it made it easier to continue down the horrible path I was taking. But when I have decided to confide in someone and ask for their prayers and accountability, it makes me feel more free in life. Knowing that someone else knows and will probably be able to tell if I'm lying about it makes it harder to enjoy the temporary happiness it brings.
I think I am finally getting to a point in my life where I am ok with where I've been and who I am right now. I feel good talking about my struggles with others, admitting that I've had problems, and asking for help to move forward. But I also want to be that person for others...and I know I definitely am in some of my friends' lives. I've had to learn that the people I spend the most time with need to be those that are going to help me, not bring me down or make me feel stupid for the decisions I make. And sometimes, that means that I can't just assume that because someone goes to church, that they are the best person for me to spend all my time with. It has to be someone who is serious about their faith, who walks with God every day, and who longs to grow closer to Him. Because that positive influence in my life is so helpful in encouraging me to do what I need to do to get closer to God.
I want to be a good role model... though I know I am not perfect.
I have definitely had my share of struggles, but I want to be able to show others that it's possible to move past things with God's help...and with the help of positive influences in my life.
That is the goal I am shooting for right now.