Trust...Revisited

I wrote a blog back in March with a bunch of verses I had looked up that had to do with trusting God.
I have also written many blogs about trusting...in fact, Trust is the most used category in all of my blogs. So, you would think I'd have this trust thing all figured out, right?


Well, you and I would both be wrong.


I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend with some of the women from my church. We had a very large group this year (around 85 of us), though we were split up into a couple of different sections. It was amazing to me, though, that our group of 30 last year multiplied into so many more. It was a fantastic time of tender worship, much needed laughter, amazing teaching, and wonderful concerts. It was a very refreshing end to a week of much needed rest.
One of the main things I came away from the weekend with was the word "Trust". Big surprise, right? One of the things that really hit me about it was something Sheila Walsh said (she is by far my favorite Women of Faith speaker. She was very powerful last year and was extremely powerful again this year). She said that a couple of years ago, if asked what the most important thing every Christian woman needed to do was, it would be to love God more. Now, she says she would say that it's to trust God completely, because out of trust comes that love. You can't truly love someone deeply if you don't trust them.
It was profound to me. It really struck a chord in me, because I think this has been my problem all along. I haven't truly been loving God the way I should be, because there is a part of me that just does not trust Him. It's the part that's been broken, beaten, torn down, discarded, and forgotten. None of these things being God's doing...but more His "not doing"...or at least that's how I always saw it.
The conference went on and many of the other speakers talked about all these horrible things they had been through...and how they had to come to the realization that God is still sovereign...and that through those things, God healed them and mended them in ways they could never have imagined.
I found myself thinking about the state of my heart this past year...the hurts I've hidden, the pain I've experienced, the trust I've lost...in both God and other people. I realized that I have had a veil up, in some of my closest relationships...because if I didn't let those people in, I would never be hurt by them. I didn't even realize I was even living this way until Sheila Walsh described a situation in which her husband confronted her about the very same thing. She wasn't truly loving her husband and son, because if she did, and they hurt her, she would lose all trust in them.
I know I am like this with God. I know I am like this in many other relationships. It's so much easier to live behind the veil, guarding myself from the actions or words that might break me. Yet, it's in those broken moments that God is there, waiting to pick me up, hold me, and help me learn to trust again. So many times, I stuff the feelings inside and deal with them on my own, not needing His help, or anyone else's, for that matter.
It's taken me a couple of days to sit down and process all of this. I came home and got caught up in the things that needed to be taken care of...instead of taking the time to take care of the state of my heart and mind...and taking the time to pour my heart out to God.
I know I am not done in this whole process. I know it's going to take time for me to truly work out what this will look like in my life. I know I need to spend lots of time with God, to learn to truly trust Him so I can learn to deeply love Him. I know I have many relationships that I need to work through and figure out how to trust those people more. And, I know I need to stop holding so many hurts inside and learn to truly let them out and let them go.
I am still longing, with all my heart, to be a mother someday. I know what God has promised me, and yet, I have slowly stopped trusting in His promise...because it hasn't happened. Yet, I read about Abraham and Sarah...and remember the stories of many dear women that I am close to that had to wait 4, 6, 10 years to have their first child...and I think, why I am being so impatient? God has a plan. He has it all ordained and knows exactly when it's going to happen. And I think, someday, when my child is 18 years old, I will look back on these days, and see how perfectly God orchestrated the timing of it all. Maybe Josh and I have more growing to do before the time is right...or maybe some trial is going to come up that I need to go through first before I get pregnant...or maybe God wants to teach me more of what it looks like to be patient and loving so I can demonstrate those things much better to my child. Whatever the reasoning, I am really trying to trust that His best is happening in my life...because I know that is what He wants for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. -Psalm 37:4-5 (NIV)

I don't have all the answers. I definitely don't have everything all figured out. But, I do know that trusting in my Savior is the only thing that is going to help me truly live my life...