On My Heart...

Oh dear...this is gonna be a tough one.

One of my favorite bloggers is starting a new series on Fridays called What Is On Your Heart. Casey is wanting people to feel comfortable being vulnerable and talking about what is truly going on in their hearts. While not everything on our hearts may be hard to talk about, some of it will be. But, I've felt very challenged this year to share other people's burdens...and I guess it's time to share one of mine.

I read a blog about a week ago by another of my favorite bloggers. Kyle wrote about something very personal about herself that she is trying to overcome. It made me think about something I've struggled with for quite some time now...that I feel creep up in some occasions...and when it does, it totally freaks me out. It takes me back to the day it started...which is a day I don't like to remember. At all.

I like hanging out with people and having friends...but I always have this nagging fear in the back of my mind. I either feel like I'm boring or that my friends are someday going to stop being my friends or that they will find much sweeter, wiser people to hang out with instead of me. I think the majority of this fear comes from the fact that when I was in jr. high, my "best" friend at the time had a sleepover for her birthday...and some of her other friends that I didn't really know were there, too. I remember them asking me if I liked telling scary stories and I told them I wasn't allowed to...and they all started laughing so hard at me (including my "best" friend), and they started calling me a baby. I was mortified. I burst into tears and curled up in a ball on the bed, wishing I could be anywhere but there. But, I was too scared to call my parents and have them come pick me up, so I pretended to sleep as the girls continued to talk about ridiculous things.

Because of that, I feel like I constantly have this fear that people will think I'm ridiculous or stupid eventually. So I think I guard myself too much in friendships...or I kind of exclude myself from things so that I won't get too hurt. I'd rather sit on the sidelines and listen to other people talk than give my opinion and have people look at me like I'm crazy. It's such a hard thing to live with. I feel sort of threatened when my friends start hanging out with someone new...because I'm so afraid they'll like that person so much more than me and stop hanging out with me altogether. Ridiculous feelings, I know...but it's what I struggle with.

I'm even feeling very insecure about typing that, especially the part about being slightly threatened by my friends having new friends. I don't want people to think I'm rude or clingy or crazy...it's just truly a fear of mine.

And, I think this is the first time I've admitted it to anyone (well, besides Kyle. I sent her an e-mail about this after I read her blog).

I'm so freaked out about putting myself out there this much...but like I said earlier, I know it's important to share our burdens.

I don't know what is going to come about from this blog, but I'm not looking for sympathy or for anyone to feel like they have to change how they act around me. This is something I need to work on and get over...and I don't want people to feel like they have to tiptoe around me because of it. I seriously love and cherish every single one of my friends. They are amazing and have never done anything to intentionally make me feel this way...I just feel this way of my own accord often. But, I guess admitting it out loud means people can hold me accountable to this...and ask me how I'm doing with it. And, I know God can use this for His good...and I'm definitely ok with that.

So, that's what has been on my heart lately...

If you have something you need to share with someone, I am definitely here for you.