Riding the Waves

I like to have control.

That's no new revelation. Anyone who knows me or who's been reading this blog for quite some time knows that about me.

I have a hard time when things don't go the way I planned...or when things fall apart...or when something interrupts my plans.

If we were all honest, I think most of us would probably admit to being this way a lot of the time.

And yet, I don't really know where this desire to have control stems from...except that it's something that keeps me from letting God have control of my life. Which is huge in and of itself. It's the reason I have such a hard time trusting in His timing and believing that He has a perfect will for my life...because my perfect will would have happened a long time ago.

In my Bible study reading for this week, the author of our book asked how we react to interruptions in our plan. I know how I react...I get upset, I may even freak out a little, and I try to fix it somehow...all before realizing I should have asked God for help in the first place.

But, how are we supposed to react?

This is one of the verses the author shared:

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
(Proverbs 19:21 NIV)

I know I need to rest in that fact all the time. No matter what I plan and how perfect I may make everything fall into place, it is still God's will that prevails. Even if I do everything "right", He still may have another plan. And, I have to be ok with that.

I also realized this week that I have a hard time admitting I need help...with anything. I don't even like to let my husband help me with stuff. I put on this tough act, like I've got everything handled, even though I would love him to help me more. I pretend that all is well with me so that he doesn't have to see the hurts or the struggles I go through...until I just can't hold them in anymore and they burst out (which tends to happen pretty often).

Even today...he came home and he knew I was hurting over something. I started to tear up, but I didn't want to cry...because I know it breaks his heart to watch me cry. So, I sucked it up and wiped them away. He asked me why I wasn't letting myself cry...and I told him because I know that he hates to see me cry. He then said, "But don't you need to cry sometimes?" And, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

He's right. I do need to cry sometimes. I do need to admit that I'm weak and that I need help. I do need to admit that I can't control my life and that I can't do everything myself.

I really want to be better at this letting go thing...I know I'm definitely in a much better place than I was this time last year...but still...not where I'd like to be. And yet, I can't let the goal of letting go become something I could possibly try to control and make happen faster...because then I'm in the same boat all over again (a potentially crazy cycle).

Speaking of boats...I wanted to share a couple of pics from our whale watching experience (all pics taken by my friend Jenn. She's an amazing photographer).

(Humpback whale tail fin)

(The two humpbacks next to each other)

(Dolphins!!)

(These guys were cute...but oh so smelly!)

(Our little group...with the b-day girl in the middle)

(The hubs and I)

Being on that boat helped me learn a little bit about not being able to control my life. The water was really choppy sometimes...so much so that I would feel myself starting to freak out...but I knew that I had to trust the captain. He does this all the time and he knows what he's doing...just like God knows what He's doing.

I'm going to try my best to rest in that this week.

Be blessed.