Learning

I feel that word defines so much of my year.

Learning...

I continually go back to the subject of my infertility, but it's because I would not be the person I am today without it.

Every year that has gone by (and we are quickly approaching the four year mark), I keep thinking that I've learned all the lessons God wanted to teach me through it...and yet something else happens and my world is turned upside down. This year has been no different.

It has been different in the sense that I've changed and grown and had to let go of a lot of the things I was holding onto so dearly last year. I've learned a lot about family relationships, friendships, ministry, the way a marriage is supposed to be, my relationship with God, and myself. I've had to face some very ugly parts of myself (some I am still facing) and had to accept other things. My heart has changed in ways I never thought possible, and my mind has allowed itself to open up to things that are good for me that I've kept out for too long.

To say this year was a good one for me would be a true statement...but it was also one of the hardest years I've ever had to live. Learning to be content has been a process I've been going through for three years now...and I still don't know that I'm quite there yet...but I am definitely more there than I was this time last year.

I can honestly, without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of pain in my heart, say that I would be perfectly fine with my life if Josh and I never have kids of our own.

Shocking? Maybe to some. But for me? This has been the biggest part of my healing process.

No little girl imagines that her dreams of being a mommy won't come true. No little girl pictures herself struggling with the ability to get pregnant. No little girl thinks her life will ever be full of so much pain and hurt that she cries sad tears when her best friend tells her she's pregnant.

But all those things have been my reality these past few years.

Honestly, the pain has all but disappeared. The longing to experience motherhood is still there, but it's morphed and changed into something not so desperate. I have had many different people tell me that the relationships I have built with high school and college students make me a mom already...and I have really taken that to heart. God put this desire within me to be a mom, but He never said exactly how it was going to look. I've had the joy of being able to experience it in different ways, and I look forward to whatever ways I will be able to experience it in the future.

I look back on old blog posts, old journal entries, old emails to friends...and I honestly don't always recognize that person. She makes my heart sad. She makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her to just trust and truly let go...because it's the key to her happiness.

But this past year has been about so much more than learning to be content with my life the way it is.

I've learned that some friendships really do stand the test of time. I've learned that others only last for a season...and sometimes that season can be really long or really short.

I've learned that putting other people's needs before my own is one of the hardest things to do...but it's also one of the most rewarding.

I've learned that date nights and time spent having real conversations with my husband are truly needed...and are not things to take for granted.

I've learned that time really is short...and we waste way too much of it thinking about petty, stupid things that don't matter one bit.

I've learned that sometimes stepping away from situations for a time can really help you see the value in them...and can help you to remember why you were in them in the first place.

I've learned that I need to speak sometimes instead of remaining quiet.

There are so many things that I can't (and won't) share in this space. Things that are far too personal about myself or about the people that I love. But what I can share is that while this year has been very tough...and I've had to do some major relationship mending and had some serious heart adjustments...it's also been one of the most humbling times I've ever experienced.

Every relationship I'm in needs lots of work...as do all relationships in general...but I've learned so much this year about what is important to me, what needs to be cherished, what needs to be let go of, and what just doesn't matter in the long run.

As we quickly approach Christmas...and I'm already starting to get anxious and sad about it almost being over...I can say with a happy heart that I have really tried much harder this year to take the time to quiet myself before the Lord. I missed days on my advent reading and had to catch up...but my heart has continually longed for my time with Him. It's amazing how much of a difference it has made this year.

So while I am no closer to having it all figured out than I was last year, I definitely feel a little more prepared to tackle next year and the challenges it will bring. I am looking forward to Christmas next week and taking the time out to remember why we even do any sort of celebrating this time of year.

I am content. And that is an amazing feeling.