I think it stems from being really shy and quiet when I was in jr. high and high school. I also didn't have a lot of friends in jr. high, so I think I just had a harder time really learning how to say what I wanted to say. At least, out loud.
I have no problem writing my thoughts out...which is part of the reason why I kept a journal for so many years...a habit I really do wish I still had.
I often find myself having a conversation with someone and I'm listening to every word they are saying. Their heart is hurting, they don't know what to do, and they just feel broken. Oftentimes, I nod and acknowledge what they're saying...but I don't always say a lot in return. It's not that I don't want to. It's not that I don't think I should say something. It's often because I don't know how to get the words in my heart out of my mouth.
I don't know why God gave me a better grasp on words when they're flowing out of my hands instead of my mouth, but I am thankful that I am able to express myself in this way. I truly feel refreshed and renewed when I'm able to get my thoughts out on paper or on screen (or even in text or email form).
My parents had these plaques made for my sister and I when we were quite young with our names, their "meanings", and a Scripture verse to go with them. Though the real meaning of my first name is very hard to define, this plaque said my name means "Bold One". The verse under it is found in Psalm 89:1:
I will sing of the LORD's great love forever;
with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.
(NIV)
I often used to look at that plaque hanging in my room and wonder if I really would be that bold someday. Would I be able to proclaim God's faithfulness to all generations?
My parents always believed I would be heavily involved in music someday. Someone prophesied over me as a young child that my calling in life would be in music.
I have definitely dabbled in different instruments over the years. I really wish now that I would have kept up with them more, because I really can't play any instrument very well. But one thing I've always loved doing is singing.
In the beginning of that verse, it says "I will sing". It's easy to skip over that part and think that the only way to be bold and proclaim God's faithfulness is to speak words. But, the verse says I will sing of God's love forever and with my mouth I will make His faithfulness known.
I may not always speak the words I want my heart to convey in certain situations, but one thing I can always do is sing. And while I never would have thought that being bold would be expressed through singing, I definitely believe it can be.
I know I will continue to wish that I had better words to speak in moments when I really want to speak something profound that will help someone...but maybe I've just spent too much time focusing on what I can't do instead of focusing on what I can do.
The church is supposed to function as a body would. Each person plays their part in making the body whole. Maybe I'm not the voice, but maybe I'm the throat or the tongue. And you can't very well have a voice without a throat or a tongue.
I may not be eloquent with my words, but I can still praise and glorify God with my mouth. And that in and of itself is a huge and wonderful blessing.
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