I feel like I just experienced one of the toughest, but most amazing weeks in my life. This time on Sunday night, I never would have thought I would feel the way I do this very moment. I am probably going to have a really hard time putting it all into words, but here goes...
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...
1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.
I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
New Start
Josh and I are SO excited! We are moving into a two-bedroom home in just a few weeks!
I still can't believe it's all happening. Josh is starting his new job in the next couple of weeks and we are able to move into a bigger place! But, I guess I should back up to the beginning of the story...
Josh has been working for the school district for a little over two years now. He went from working at a year-round elementary school to working at a traditional high school, where he also gained another traditional elementary school that he splits his time at. When he switched from the year-round school to the traditional one, he took a pretty big cut in pay. Not that he actually received a lower hourly wage, but he lost days in the year, so his checks were a lot smaller. It was fine at the time for us, because I was offered a job at a flooring company that would pay me about double what I had been making at the church. We prayed about it and felt a peace about him switching schools and about me taking the job at the flooring company.
We did not, however, realize that after four months, I would be laid off from the flooring company due to our lovely economy. Fortunately, I was able to file for unemployment. We struggled to live on a reduced income for quite a few months. The school district then offered some of the employees in Josh's position the option to time sheet an extra hour a day at work, since some of them were also splitting up their time between two schools. It was such a blessing to be able to get a little extra money every month from that. Even when our health insurance went up in August, it still ended up being a nice increase in his pay check. During this whole process, I applied for quite a few different jobs, had a couple of interviews, but nothing panned out.
Fortunately, another opportunity presented itself for Josh. A job opened up in the school district for the position directly above where Josh was currently working. It also happened to be in-house only, which meant that Josh had a pretty good chance of getting the job if he decided to apply for it. After praying about it, we definitely felt like he needed to apply. God proved Himself to be amazing yet again through the whole process. Josh ended up being only one of two people who applied for the job. He had an interview the next week and found out a few days after that he had gotten the job! Not only does the job pay more hourly, but he will also be working year round at the district office itself, which is a BIG increase in pay for him each month. He has not started his job yet, but is supposed to be starting sometime in the next two weeks. And with the other exciting opportunity that was presented to us, it couldn't come at a better time.
Some good friends of ours from church (who are also now related to my sister) own a two-bedroom home they rent out. Their current renters came to them last week to let them know that they would be moving out by the end of the year, possibly sooner. We were offered the opportunity to rent the house and knew that it was definitely a gift from God. The rent is not much higher than what we are currently paying for our apartment, and with Josh's increase in pay from his new job, it won't be a financial burden in the least. Things moved along a lot quicker than we expected and we signed our rental agreement on Sunday afternoon. We put in our 30 day notice at our apartment complex on Sunday as well. We are planning to move in before Christmas, if all goes as planned.
With everything that has gone on in our lives this past year, we really feel like God is giving us a new start. Josh is starting a new job and we are moving into a rental that will feel like our own home (we can paint, hang things on the walls, and plant things in the yard!!). We have also recently had a new desire to really take on our Biblical roles in our marriage in a way we hadn't been before. We really want to serve and love each other the way God calls us to, even when we get frustrated at the little things in life. We are also on a plan to get rid of our debt as soon as possible. I told Josh that I really feel like God is allowing us to have a new start in all aspects of our lives. I know that God desires more from us and we are trying our best to live our lives in a way that truly pleases Him. I am very excited for 2010. It also seems quite fitting to me that Josh just turned 25 and that I will be close behind him in just under two months. Not that 25 is that significant of an age, but I feel like it is going to be for us. I know as long as Josh and I continue to seek God in all we do, whether it be how we spend our money or how to love each other better, everything will be great! And, even if we experience pain along the way, which is inevitable, I know it will only make us stronger in Christ and closer to each other.
I still can't believe it's all happening. Josh is starting his new job in the next couple of weeks and we are able to move into a bigger place! But, I guess I should back up to the beginning of the story...
Josh has been working for the school district for a little over two years now. He went from working at a year-round elementary school to working at a traditional high school, where he also gained another traditional elementary school that he splits his time at. When he switched from the year-round school to the traditional one, he took a pretty big cut in pay. Not that he actually received a lower hourly wage, but he lost days in the year, so his checks were a lot smaller. It was fine at the time for us, because I was offered a job at a flooring company that would pay me about double what I had been making at the church. We prayed about it and felt a peace about him switching schools and about me taking the job at the flooring company.
We did not, however, realize that after four months, I would be laid off from the flooring company due to our lovely economy. Fortunately, I was able to file for unemployment. We struggled to live on a reduced income for quite a few months. The school district then offered some of the employees in Josh's position the option to time sheet an extra hour a day at work, since some of them were also splitting up their time between two schools. It was such a blessing to be able to get a little extra money every month from that. Even when our health insurance went up in August, it still ended up being a nice increase in his pay check. During this whole process, I applied for quite a few different jobs, had a couple of interviews, but nothing panned out.
Fortunately, another opportunity presented itself for Josh. A job opened up in the school district for the position directly above where Josh was currently working. It also happened to be in-house only, which meant that Josh had a pretty good chance of getting the job if he decided to apply for it. After praying about it, we definitely felt like he needed to apply. God proved Himself to be amazing yet again through the whole process. Josh ended up being only one of two people who applied for the job. He had an interview the next week and found out a few days after that he had gotten the job! Not only does the job pay more hourly, but he will also be working year round at the district office itself, which is a BIG increase in pay for him each month. He has not started his job yet, but is supposed to be starting sometime in the next two weeks. And with the other exciting opportunity that was presented to us, it couldn't come at a better time.
Some good friends of ours from church (who are also now related to my sister) own a two-bedroom home they rent out. Their current renters came to them last week to let them know that they would be moving out by the end of the year, possibly sooner. We were offered the opportunity to rent the house and knew that it was definitely a gift from God. The rent is not much higher than what we are currently paying for our apartment, and with Josh's increase in pay from his new job, it won't be a financial burden in the least. Things moved along a lot quicker than we expected and we signed our rental agreement on Sunday afternoon. We put in our 30 day notice at our apartment complex on Sunday as well. We are planning to move in before Christmas, if all goes as planned.
With everything that has gone on in our lives this past year, we really feel like God is giving us a new start. Josh is starting a new job and we are moving into a rental that will feel like our own home (we can paint, hang things on the walls, and plant things in the yard!!). We have also recently had a new desire to really take on our Biblical roles in our marriage in a way we hadn't been before. We really want to serve and love each other the way God calls us to, even when we get frustrated at the little things in life. We are also on a plan to get rid of our debt as soon as possible. I told Josh that I really feel like God is allowing us to have a new start in all aspects of our lives. I know that God desires more from us and we are trying our best to live our lives in a way that truly pleases Him. I am very excited for 2010. It also seems quite fitting to me that Josh just turned 25 and that I will be close behind him in just under two months. Not that 25 is that significant of an age, but I feel like it is going to be for us. I know as long as Josh and I continue to seek God in all we do, whether it be how we spend our money or how to love each other better, everything will be great! And, even if we experience pain along the way, which is inevitable, I know it will only make us stronger in Christ and closer to each other.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
3 years
It's been a little over three years now...
In some ways, it's seems like it's been so much longer. In other ways, so much shorter...
The day came and past last week. I didn't even think about it until the 17th. Then I realized I missed the 16th. The morning of the 17th, as I drove home from dropping Josh off at work, two songs played on the radio that broke my heart. That song "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice that Ron Guiterrez sang at Jeanette's funeral. And How He Loves by David Crowder Band. Both made the tears start welling up in my eyes. Later on that afternoon, that new song by Steven Curtis Chapman came on that he wrote about his little girl that died last year. Coincidence? I think not.
I think Jesus was reminding me that even though it hurts that Grandpa is gone now, HE is still there to wrap His arms around me. Grandpa wouldn't want me to be sad anymore. It just still hurts every time I see the pictures from our wedding and see the one with us and Grandma...and the empty spot where Grandpa would have been. I know it shouldn't make me sad. He got to meet Josh. He got to see how wonderful of a man I was going to marry. I was there when God took him home. I shouldn't be sad anymore...yet, in some moments, I can't help it. Every time I think of Ryan, I think of the last time we saw him...after Grandpa died...
I try to think positively. I try to remember that Grandpa is no longer suffering through lung cancer. He gets to be with Jesus EVERY day! No more pain, no more worries of this life. A friend said something the other day that, although I've heard it before, it hit home more this time around:
For Christians, this life is the only hell we will ever know.
It's so true. And, every time things get hard, I hope to remind myself of that. No matter how hard this life gets, it's much easier than what an eternity in hell could be like. I will take this crap every day and know that Jesus is on my side.
In some ways, it's seems like it's been so much longer. In other ways, so much shorter...
The day came and past last week. I didn't even think about it until the 17th. Then I realized I missed the 16th. The morning of the 17th, as I drove home from dropping Josh off at work, two songs played on the radio that broke my heart. That song "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice that Ron Guiterrez sang at Jeanette's funeral. And How He Loves by David Crowder Band. Both made the tears start welling up in my eyes. Later on that afternoon, that new song by Steven Curtis Chapman came on that he wrote about his little girl that died last year. Coincidence? I think not.
I think Jesus was reminding me that even though it hurts that Grandpa is gone now, HE is still there to wrap His arms around me. Grandpa wouldn't want me to be sad anymore. It just still hurts every time I see the pictures from our wedding and see the one with us and Grandma...and the empty spot where Grandpa would have been. I know it shouldn't make me sad. He got to meet Josh. He got to see how wonderful of a man I was going to marry. I was there when God took him home. I shouldn't be sad anymore...yet, in some moments, I can't help it. Every time I think of Ryan, I think of the last time we saw him...after Grandpa died...
I try to think positively. I try to remember that Grandpa is no longer suffering through lung cancer. He gets to be with Jesus EVERY day! No more pain, no more worries of this life. A friend said something the other day that, although I've heard it before, it hit home more this time around:
For Christians, this life is the only hell we will ever know.
It's so true. And, every time things get hard, I hope to remind myself of that. No matter how hard this life gets, it's much easier than what an eternity in hell could be like. I will take this crap every day and know that Jesus is on my side.
Friday, September 4, 2009
College Group
God is amazing, isn't He? I am so excited about what happened earlier tonight (well, technically last night) that I can't sleep! We had our first meeting with the new college group tonight. I was so excited to see all the faces of the young adults that came. I knew some were coming, but others I did not know about. I was so excited to see all of them there because I know God wanted all of them there to fulfill His purpose for this evening. Just thinking about that fact makes me so excited! I can't wait to see who else He is going to bring and what else He is going to do in and through this group! I am blown away every day by the love and grace He pours out on Josh and I, and I can't wait to see the way He is going to continue to pour out His love and grace on all those involved in the group as well! What an awesome, amazing God we serve!
My church just finished reading through Ruth and is now reading through Hosea through their blog. God's timing is so awesome to me! The book of Ruth with Boaz the kinsman-redeemer, and the book of Hosea with God calling him to marry an adulteress. Boaz is a picture to me of what Jesus did for us when He died on the cross. Hosea is a picture of what God did with the Israelites every time they turned away from Him, and what He continues to do to this day with all of us when we turn away from Him. I don't know who God is going to bring to this college group each week, but some of them may have turned their backs on God, or aren't in a place in life that they are really seeking after Him. Whatever the case may be, God is going to continue to pursue them and is going to continue to love them. That knowledge is such a comfort to me, especially on those days when I find myself falling into old patterns, when I don't want to spend time with my Savior. That even though we all mess up, many times a day, God still loves us and still pursues His bride. Thank You, Jesus!
My church just finished reading through Ruth and is now reading through Hosea through their blog. God's timing is so awesome to me! The book of Ruth with Boaz the kinsman-redeemer, and the book of Hosea with God calling him to marry an adulteress. Boaz is a picture to me of what Jesus did for us when He died on the cross. Hosea is a picture of what God did with the Israelites every time they turned away from Him, and what He continues to do to this day with all of us when we turn away from Him. I don't know who God is going to bring to this college group each week, but some of them may have turned their backs on God, or aren't in a place in life that they are really seeking after Him. Whatever the case may be, God is going to continue to pursue them and is going to continue to love them. That knowledge is such a comfort to me, especially on those days when I find myself falling into old patterns, when I don't want to spend time with my Savior. That even though we all mess up, many times a day, God still loves us and still pursues His bride. Thank You, Jesus!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Identity
For those that aren't aware, Josh and I are starting a college group this week at our church. As we've been preparing for this and spending time with college students, I started thinking a lot about our identity in Christ. It's one thing for me to say I am a Christian and another entirely for me to know what I believe and to know who I am in Christ. I know this has definitely been a struggle for me at times. I know that God loves me and that I am His child, but I don't think I truly allow that to sink in most of the time. I love what 1 John 3:1 says about this:
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." (NIV)
I don't know if the exclamation points were added after the original writing to add emphasis, but I love that they are there! I think we all should be more excited about the fact that we are God's children! He doesn't have to love us the way He does, but he chose/chooses to do so, and I am so thankful for that! I also love the fact that we have been promised so many things through Christ. I love what 2 Peter 1:1b-11 says about it:
"To those who through the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ have received a faith as precious as ours: Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (NIV)
That is exactly what I want for my life! I want to be able to escape the corruption of the world and to be able to have goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love be a part of my everyday life. I don't want to be ineffective or unproductive. I want to do all that God has for me to do! I never want to forget that I have been cleansed from my past sins and mistakes. I want to be able to receive a rich welcome into heaven! I also never want to forget what it says in Galatians 2:20:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (NIV)
I long to live my life each day with the knowledge that Christ lives in me. It is no longer about what I want or what I think is best for me; it needs to be about what Christ wants and has for me! It is my prayer that this will be true in my life, as well as in the lives of all of you who read this. Let's live this week remembering that we are children of God, longing for more knowledge, goodness, self-control...and living the way He wants us to live!
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." (NIV)
I don't know if the exclamation points were added after the original writing to add emphasis, but I love that they are there! I think we all should be more excited about the fact that we are God's children! He doesn't have to love us the way He does, but he chose/chooses to do so, and I am so thankful for that! I also love the fact that we have been promised so many things through Christ. I love what 2 Peter 1:1b-11 says about it:
"To those who through the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ have received a faith as precious as ours: Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (NIV)
That is exactly what I want for my life! I want to be able to escape the corruption of the world and to be able to have goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love be a part of my everyday life. I don't want to be ineffective or unproductive. I want to do all that God has for me to do! I never want to forget that I have been cleansed from my past sins and mistakes. I want to be able to receive a rich welcome into heaven! I also never want to forget what it says in Galatians 2:20:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (NIV)
I long to live my life each day with the knowledge that Christ lives in me. It is no longer about what I want or what I think is best for me; it needs to be about what Christ wants and has for me! It is my prayer that this will be true in my life, as well as in the lives of all of you who read this. Let's live this week remembering that we are children of God, longing for more knowledge, goodness, self-control...and living the way He wants us to live!
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