New Inspiration

I feel like 2010 has been a blur...
It's almost three full months in and I feel like I haven't had a chance to enjoy any of it yet...
Not to say that I haven't had happy moments, or happy days even, but I feel like I haven't truly allowed myself to experience 2010 yet.
I had all these expectations for what I thought 2010 was going to bring me. Beautiful, wonderful things. More time with friends and family and my husband. More opportunities to grow and learn from those around me. More time to just rest in God and know that He has my life under control. And yet, I don't feel like I've really done any of those things...or at least, done them well...
I got an e-mail from a very dear friend yesterday. I have been sharing with her some of the things in my life that have been burdening me the past couple of months...and every time I sent her an e-mail, she would send one back with a little advice...but always pointing me back towards God and letting me know she was praying for me. I greatly appreciated everything she was saying and doing for me, but I wasn't really listening to her advice. But then, I got yesterday's e-mail and all of that changed...
This friend has known me for many years. We have gone through so many things together...and watched the other go through things we couldn't experience together. We have shared so much with each other and yet, I know there are many things we haven't shared. But, in spite of it all, she has remained one of the best friends I have and will ever have...because she is always honest with me. I think sometimes she is afraid of offending me and doesn't tell me how she really feels right away...but in the end, it always comes out. This e-mail was definitely one of those honest moments.
As I read the words she was writing me, I felt like a light bulb clicked on in my head. I felt like, suddenly, things were starting to make sense.
It wasn't as if she wrote me things I'd never heard before. It wasn't like this sudden unknown truth came out of her mouth. It was definitely stuff I had heard, many times before, but suddenly everything made sense.
I have been a very unhappy, obsessive, controlling person for quite some time now. It's not very obvious to those around me, because I keep it hidden well underneath the surface. But, whenever I was alone with my thoughts, I was constantly thinking of ways to control my life, to change it, to make it the way I wanted it to be...and when I wanted it to be. I could think of nothing else. Day and night, it was all I could do to not think about it. And, she saw this...in all the e-mails I'd written her, thinking I was being clever and not making my obsession obvious...she, being one of my greatest friends, saw right through me. She called my bluff. She told me it was time for a change...and she was right.
I can't even begin to describe the impact her e-mail had on me yesterday. It was all I could think about. And yet, not in an obsessive, controlling, "oh now I have to do this and this and this to make things right" sort of a way. I just seriously pondered it...
I love how amazing God is. I love the mysterious ways He works in our lives. I love the fact that He uses those around us, those who love and care for us and know us better than almost anyone else, to shake us and move us. I love that He constantly speaks to us, even when we refuse to listen. I love that He desires so much for us to let go of the reins of our lives and let Him have control, because His way is truly the best way.
And so, when I had a free hour to myself today, I decided it was time to make some good changes in my life. Not to control everything and make my life this perfect image for others to see, but to truly understand what it means, and how it feels, to fall in love with my Savior again.
I looked up the word refuge on Biblegateway.com, to see how many times it's used in the Bible. God spoke to me at a women's worship night a few months back to "Take refuge in Me"(Him). I found so many great verses about taking refuge in God. And, that is what I plan to do from here on out. I know He has my BEST interests at heart...and I know He has wonderful plans for my life...and I know that I don't need to have all the answers and have control of everything for those things to happen...because He does...and that is enough...FINALLY, that is enough!
One of the things that really stuck out to me that my friend said in her e-mail was that maybe I should start writing again. Even though I do blog occasionally, I knew that is not what she was referring to. My life used to revolve around writing. I wrote letters to many pen-pals and friends all growing up. I wrote short (and long) fiction stories that I thought I would one day have published. I wrote hundreds of poems...some to God, some to friends, some about things I was experiencing in life, and some about things that I was passionate about. I wrote in a journal almost every day for a good 10 years straight. I have so many filled up journals put away, with pages full of old memories...good and bad. When we got the internet, I wrote tons of e-mails. I had a group of friends that wrote daily devotions and sent them out to whoever wanted to read them. Everyone took a different day and wrote a devotion to encourage everyone else. I wrote and wrote and wrote...about so many different things. I even wrote prayers out to God. The point is, writing was a huge part of my life. Not a day went by without me writing one of those things I mentioned above, if not more then one of them. And yet, there came a day when the writing ceased...I can't pinpoint exactly what day that was, but it has been some time. So long, in fact, that I don't even know that I could just sit down and write a poem off the top of my head anymore. Such a crazy thing to think about...especially because my goal was to write a poetry book someday with all of my poems in it. I had even started categorizing them.
All that to say, I thought all day yesterday and today about writing. About how good it used to make me feel. About how my whole day could have been horrible...and yet, writing in my journal or writing a poem down on a fresh piece of paper would make everything seem ok again somehow. And I realized something...
I miss it...I miss it more than I even realized...I knew I had a hole in my life from not truly devoting enough time to God...but I also had a hole in my life from not writing. Writing is the reason I wanted to get an English degree. Writing has been the core of my life since I was in 3rd grade and started filling the pages in my Lion King diary. And yet...I let it all slip away... But no longer...
I started a new project late last night. A dear couple bought Josh and I the coolest wedding gifts. They are these books that you write all these things about yourself in...childhood nicknames, favorite vacation spots growing up, what Sundays were like in your house...and you pass them on to your children. It's like leaving a legacy of your life for your children to read and cherish throughout their lives. These books have been sitting on our bookshelf since we got married, collecting dust. They have only moved as we have moved. So, last night, as I had this huge desire to write, I found my book and started writing in it. It has a page for every day, in which you answer a different question about your life. It is my goal to write a couple of days worth every day until it is finished. I feel it is so important to leave this legacy of my life, even though I screw up and fall so short so many times, for my future children. I want them to know that their mom doesn't have all the answers...but that she has had an amazing journey in this thing we call life...even though it's hard at times, it's still worth it.
I have also started journaling again. While I love blogging, there are just some things I cannot, and will not, post on the internet for the whole world (or even my friends and family) to see. It is so refreshing to pick up a pen and just write down my thoughts.
As this is probably my longest blog thus far, I just want to close with this...
I think many times in life, we feel we are making the best decisions for ourselves. We feel that nothing else could be better than doing things the way we feel is right. But sometimes, many times, we are leaving God out of the equation. We think we can handle things on our own and do things our way, because we know what we need. But the truth is, God is the only one we need. He has all the answers. He wants control of our lives. He wants us to trust Him and to learn to rest in Him. He wants to offer us refuge.

As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. -Psalm 18:30 (NIV)

Find that refuge, my friends.

Trust

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. Psalm 37:4-5

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

I did a search on Biblegateway.com tonight with the word Trust. I wanted to see if there were more Scriptures that had to do with trusting God than the obvious Proverbs 3:5-6 (which happens to be my favorite verse). I found many more than what I included here, but these ones really stuck out to me. I have a hard time letting go of control in my life. I want to be able to control what happens and what doesn't. And, when I am not able to do so, life is a lot harder for me. Learning to trust God (and trust that what He has planned for me is best) is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. It's been a constant battle, since I was in jr. high and figured out what it truly meant to call myself a "Christian". It's a battle I fight every single day, and one that gets harder and harder, it seems. I needed to look up these verses tonight to remind myself that I NEED to trust God. He is faithful and He keeps His promises (the word promise comes up 221 times if you search for it on Biblegateway). I know this to be true, but I have to keep trusting in Him that the things He's promised me will come to fruition. God, help me to let go and let You do what You will in my life...

There is a Light

I have been struggling the last couple of days with the news that my uncle, while he is conscious and somewhat aware of what is going on around him, is refusing to eat. I know that he tried to kill himself, so he obviously was done living when he did that...but I was hoping this would be a second chance for him. The fact that he lived through it meant that God had a plan for him still being here...right? I just couldn't believe that God would let him live for a couple of weeks longer, only for my uncle to decide that he doesn't want to live and he's done...again.
But, my ways are not God's ways...me thinking that I could ever comprehend the ways of God is putting God in a box...a Breeann box. I know that God is working through this whole situation, even if it is tough to see at this very moment why things are turning out the way they are.
I have been reading through James, as we are starting a study on James in my Bible study this week, and I was struck by this section, as I am every time I read it:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (vs. 2-4)
Pure joy...how many times do I really look at tough situations and try to muster up the joy I need in my life to get through them? That doesn't mean that I have to be happy and smiling at the time; it means that I am relying on God to get me through and knowing everything in my life that is good comes from Him (see James 1:17). Sure, life is going to be hard and have its rough moments, but that doesn't mean that I turn my back on what I know to be true in this life. And, I don't have to understand everything on my own. If I am leaning on my own understanding, I will never understand. Instead, I need to lean on God (see Proverbs 3:5-6) and seek His wisdom (see James 1:5).
So, while I may not understand why God allowed my uncle to live through this, I know that God works all things together for good (see Romans 8:28). Somehow, some way, God will be glorified in this situation, and someone will be affected for the good. My prayer is that my non-believing family members will turn their hearts to God and learn to trust Him, as they never have before; and that those who do have a relationship with God will be strengthened during this time, not disheartened.

Birth and Death...and Everything in Between

This week has been a little crazy...
We found out what my best friend's baby is going to be!! It was so exciting to be able to share in the joy of their new baby girl :) I am already looking at cute outfits to buy her :)
I turned 25 on Thursday. I didn't know what to expect from 25, but I soon found out...
My mom called me in the morning and asked if I wanted to go out to lunch. I got ready and waited for her to call to say she was on her way. When she called, she didn't have very good news...
My uncle took antifreeze on Wednesday night. He was rushed to the hospital on Thursday morning, but he had been unconscious for quite a while before that. The doctors said things were not looking very good and did not expect him to make it through the night.
He made it through the night...but his journey has been and will continue to be rough. They took him to another hospital and gave a couple of dialysis treatments. He is starting to respond a little, but it's still too early to tell what the effects of the antifreeze are truly going to have on him.
So, instead of going to lunch, we went to the hospital and spent time with family. We canceled our college group and stayed available for family.
I had plans to go out with friends on Friday night for my birthday. I was feeling like I should cancel after everything that happened on Thursday, but my aunt told me that I needed to do it. She told me I deserved to have a little fun for my birthday. I am really glad that I didn't cancel. I needed that time to watch a silly movie and eat cake and have a good time with some of my greatest friends.
But the thing is...I don't feel 25. I don't feel like I just celebrated my birthday. I just feel...weird. I don't know if it's because of the emotional roller coaster I just went through this last week or what, but I just feel...kind of like I'm going through the motions. We had a family celebration for my birthday today and I just felt kind of blah. Josh and I got everything ready, made sure everything was clean and presentable, but I just felt...out of place. It felt like everyone else was more excited for my birthday and about celebrating than I was. I was so exhausted when everyone left. I was falling asleep on the couch at 5pm. I mustered up the energy to go to church tonight and still felt like I was kind of just there...but not really. I don't know when this feeling is going to go away...or really why it's even here...but I don't like it very much at all... I guess I just didn't expect 25 would feel like this. Then again, I don't know what I thought 25 would feel like...

Prayer

I have really been struggling with prayer lately...
It's not that I don't pray. I do...occasionally. I do when a need arises. I do when I am getting frustrated or worried or scared. I do when I don't know where else to turn. But, I don't think I truly understand what it means in 1 Thessalonians 5 where it says, "Pray continually".
I understand the concept. I understand that it means I need to live my life in a constant state of prayer. Where everything I say and do, I am speaking to God and asking for His guidance, will, and direction. Where I'm pleading on behalf of those around me who are struggling. Where I am praising my God for the blessings He's putting in front of me. I understand the concept...but I don't think I've ever truly put it into practice.
I think it's precious when little ones pray before meals or pray before they go to bed at night. And, I think it's so important that they learn how to talk to God when they are young. Unfortunately, I think many times we all continue to live our lives only praying that way. I know every time Josh and I sit down to dinner together, we pray before we eat. But, we aren't praying every time we go out to eat or every time we grab a snack. We aren't always thanking God for the food we eat before we eat it. It's almost like a routine for us, a habit we've had since we were little; that we only think to pray when we are having a formal meal together. It doesn't mean that I'm any less thankful for the food, but it means that I don't truly understand how to live my life praying continually.
I hate the fact that I don't stop and pray for someone every time they ask for it. I will get a text or an e-mail, asking for prayer, and many times I don't stop what I'm doing to pray for it. Why is that? Why do I only remember to pray for others when I'm at church or at Bible study and someone else brings them up? Why am I so unwilling most of the time to take a moment in my day to pray for someone?
We are going through a new series in church on the book of Philemon. We went through the first 7 verses of this very short book on Sunday. It hit me during the message that I really need to learn to stop and take the time to pray for others. Again, it's not that I don't...I just don't always do it as often as I should. But beyond that, to pray for them even when they haven't asked for it. It blows me away to know that the senior pastor at my church prays for each and every person by name that fills out a connection card at Calvary. That's a good 1000 people! It got me thinking that if he can take the time out of his busy schedule to pray for 1000 people every month, I can certainly pray for all of my family and friends as well. And, not even just that I can, but I truly want to now. I truly want to lift up those around me. I know they go through stuff just like I do, but I don't always know when and what they are going through. I don't want to only lift them up when I know something is wrong, I want to lift them up every opportunity I get.
I also just want to be a better encourager. I have many amazing people in my life that send me encouraging texts or emails quite frequently and I am so grateful for them. I want to be a better encourager. I want God to put specific people on my heart that need to be encouraged. I want to be a better servant of Christ. I want to be more like Him in every aspect of my life. I know it's going to be hard and I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I want to wake up every day with a desire to pray for and encourage those around me to keep going on this walk. To keep looking up to God for direction and wisdom. To keep seeking His will. I don't want to learn more about Him to keep it to myself. I want to learn more to share it with others and encourage them to walk closer to Him. That is my prayer for today.