Trust...Revisited

I wrote a blog back in March with a bunch of verses I had looked up that had to do with trusting God.
I have also written many blogs about trusting...in fact, Trust is the most used category in all of my blogs. So, you would think I'd have this trust thing all figured out, right?


Well, you and I would both be wrong.


I went to the Women of Faith conference this past weekend with some of the women from my church. We had a very large group this year (around 85 of us), though we were split up into a couple of different sections. It was amazing to me, though, that our group of 30 last year multiplied into so many more. It was a fantastic time of tender worship, much needed laughter, amazing teaching, and wonderful concerts. It was a very refreshing end to a week of much needed rest.
One of the main things I came away from the weekend with was the word "Trust". Big surprise, right? One of the things that really hit me about it was something Sheila Walsh said (she is by far my favorite Women of Faith speaker. She was very powerful last year and was extremely powerful again this year). She said that a couple of years ago, if asked what the most important thing every Christian woman needed to do was, it would be to love God more. Now, she says she would say that it's to trust God completely, because out of trust comes that love. You can't truly love someone deeply if you don't trust them.
It was profound to me. It really struck a chord in me, because I think this has been my problem all along. I haven't truly been loving God the way I should be, because there is a part of me that just does not trust Him. It's the part that's been broken, beaten, torn down, discarded, and forgotten. None of these things being God's doing...but more His "not doing"...or at least that's how I always saw it.
The conference went on and many of the other speakers talked about all these horrible things they had been through...and how they had to come to the realization that God is still sovereign...and that through those things, God healed them and mended them in ways they could never have imagined.
I found myself thinking about the state of my heart this past year...the hurts I've hidden, the pain I've experienced, the trust I've lost...in both God and other people. I realized that I have had a veil up, in some of my closest relationships...because if I didn't let those people in, I would never be hurt by them. I didn't even realize I was even living this way until Sheila Walsh described a situation in which her husband confronted her about the very same thing. She wasn't truly loving her husband and son, because if she did, and they hurt her, she would lose all trust in them.
I know I am like this with God. I know I am like this in many other relationships. It's so much easier to live behind the veil, guarding myself from the actions or words that might break me. Yet, it's in those broken moments that God is there, waiting to pick me up, hold me, and help me learn to trust again. So many times, I stuff the feelings inside and deal with them on my own, not needing His help, or anyone else's, for that matter.
It's taken me a couple of days to sit down and process all of this. I came home and got caught up in the things that needed to be taken care of...instead of taking the time to take care of the state of my heart and mind...and taking the time to pour my heart out to God.
I know I am not done in this whole process. I know it's going to take time for me to truly work out what this will look like in my life. I know I need to spend lots of time with God, to learn to truly trust Him so I can learn to deeply love Him. I know I have many relationships that I need to work through and figure out how to trust those people more. And, I know I need to stop holding so many hurts inside and learn to truly let them out and let them go.
I am still longing, with all my heart, to be a mother someday. I know what God has promised me, and yet, I have slowly stopped trusting in His promise...because it hasn't happened. Yet, I read about Abraham and Sarah...and remember the stories of many dear women that I am close to that had to wait 4, 6, 10 years to have their first child...and I think, why I am being so impatient? God has a plan. He has it all ordained and knows exactly when it's going to happen. And I think, someday, when my child is 18 years old, I will look back on these days, and see how perfectly God orchestrated the timing of it all. Maybe Josh and I have more growing to do before the time is right...or maybe some trial is going to come up that I need to go through first before I get pregnant...or maybe God wants to teach me more of what it looks like to be patient and loving so I can demonstrate those things much better to my child. Whatever the reasoning, I am really trying to trust that His best is happening in my life...because I know that is what He wants for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. -Psalm 37:4-5 (NIV)

I don't have all the answers. I definitely don't have everything all figured out. But, I do know that trusting in my Savior is the only thing that is going to help me truly live my life...

Spinning in Circles

I feel crazy sometimes.
Not literally like a crazy person...but just like there must be something to explain away why my life is so busy all the time...or why I feel so overwhelmed.
I don't know if this all started when I started working again...or if it's this time of year...or if it's just dawning on me how crazy my life really is.
I made a commitment to make some phone calls this week...and I've had the stuff to make the calls since Monday...and I still haven't made them. It's not because I've been sitting around doing nothing all day and just lost track of time. I have had no time. And, when I finally do have the time, it's after 8pm, and that is definitely not a good time to make calls.
I got asked to do something else today that I would love to do...but I just don't have the time to do it. I feel horrible saying no, especially when it's helping someone else out, but sometimes I just have to.
I guess I am realizing that I can't spread myself too thin. I can't do everything. As much as I act like I'm Super Woman sometimes...and trust me, I definitely put the cape on some days...I'm not. I can't be in three places at once...doing three different things. I can't help everyone...as much as it pains me not to. I can't always do the fun stuff...the not so fun stuff has to get done, too.
But then I wonder if I'm filling my life with the right things...or if I'm feeling this way because I am overwhelmed with the things I'm doing...because I shouldn't be doing them. Do I have my priorities right? Am I doing the things God wants me to do...or the things I want to do...or think I should do?
I don't have an answer. I don't have the perfect solution. I just know that this has been plaguing me this week...and I want, somehow, some way, to be able to change something.

I just don't know how...

God, please help me.

New Look

I changed the look and name of my blog today.

I felt it was fitting.


It was time for a change.


The fact that we are finally experiencing fall here has gotten me excited for this next phase in my life...whatever it may look like. It's going to be fantastic...even if there are hard times. Why? Because my goal is to focus on the good stuff and not the bad. And, I am going to trust that God has good things in store for me, because:

"...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28 (NIV)

I am choosing to hold onto that.

Wow

Wow is seriously my only response.
I just read this blog.
Seriously, stop right now and read it...if you have about 10 minutes.
Take the time to ponder it afterward.
If you are male, for sure read it. Ladies, read it, too. It could possibly change the way you live your life.

Loves

It is so easy for me to focus on the negative things in life.
I don't know why, but I have always been this way. I can tell you everything that is going wrong...and totally forgot about all the good stuff. So, I decided to write a blog about all the things I'm lovin' right now, in no particular order.
1. The fact that it is FINALLY cold and rainy outside! It makes me so happy to be able to curl up on the couch in a blanket, and either read a good book, or watch a good movie. It is truly the best time of the year.
2. Harry Potter. The new movie comes out in just a few weeks and this weather totally puts me in the mood to watch the movies and read the books again. Too bad I don't own any of the movies, and only own three of the books. I was VERY excited, though, to find out that the Disney channel had the first movie on last night! I was able to watch most of it, and it made me very happy.
3. Baked goods. I made brownies last night and it was so enjoyable! I am ready to make lots of yummy treats for the holidays this year. The guys that Josh works with told me I am the only wife that hasn't brought baked goods into work, so I am ready to get on that soon!
4. My husband's hair cut. I LOVE Josh with short hair. I think he looks so handsome when his hair is short and neat. He surprised me yesterday morning by coming home with short hair. It made my day.
5. Mumford and Sons. This love has been there for quite a few months now...and it's not going away. I seriously do not get sick of listening to them. Their music seriously makes my heart happy...and lifts up my soul. If they don't bring you closer to Jesus, I don't know what will.
6. The book of Mark. We read through it recently for my Tuesday night Bible study and I really enjoyed it. It's definitely not the first time I've read through the whole book, but I got so much more out of it this time around. It even brought things up that I wanted to know more info on. It was a really great read, and I am enjoying the book of Acts now as well.
7. Mint chocolate chip ice cream. It's my favorite...but I like two things on it that some people find weird: salted peanuts and hot caramel. Top that with some whipped cream and a cherry and I am in heaven. It sounds gross, but it is seriously the best combo. If you haven't tried it, you shouldn't knock it...you should try it! It could change your life.
8. Colorado. I think about it often. I wish we could go back...or move there. I definitely left a piece of my heart there. I hope we will be able to go back someday...and soon at that!
9. Lady Gaga. Yes, I know. Some of you probably think that is ridiculous, but I totally love her music. If for no other reason but that it makes me dance. And I love dancing. Any excuse to dance and I'm there. If you've been to a wedding with me, you definitely know this.
10. Halloween candy. Every holiday, there seems to be a candy that I love that is only available for that short amount of time. For Halloween, it's candy corn. I can't seem to get enough of it. And, as odd as it sounds, I really love the yellow part. I bite that part off and eat it by itself, because it has a slightly different taste...or maybe it's just me :)

Those are my top 10 right now. If only I could keep remembering them and not the stuff that stresses or bums me out, life would be good.