Learning

I feel that word defines so much of my year.

Learning...

I continually go back to the subject of my infertility, but it's because I would not be the person I am today without it.

Every year that has gone by (and we are quickly approaching the four year mark), I keep thinking that I've learned all the lessons God wanted to teach me through it...and yet something else happens and my world is turned upside down. This year has been no different.

It has been different in the sense that I've changed and grown and had to let go of a lot of the things I was holding onto so dearly last year. I've learned a lot about family relationships, friendships, ministry, the way a marriage is supposed to be, my relationship with God, and myself. I've had to face some very ugly parts of myself (some I am still facing) and had to accept other things. My heart has changed in ways I never thought possible, and my mind has allowed itself to open up to things that are good for me that I've kept out for too long.

To say this year was a good one for me would be a true statement...but it was also one of the hardest years I've ever had to live. Learning to be content has been a process I've been going through for three years now...and I still don't know that I'm quite there yet...but I am definitely more there than I was this time last year.

I can honestly, without a shadow of a doubt or a twinge of pain in my heart, say that I would be perfectly fine with my life if Josh and I never have kids of our own.

Shocking? Maybe to some. But for me? This has been the biggest part of my healing process.

No little girl imagines that her dreams of being a mommy won't come true. No little girl pictures herself struggling with the ability to get pregnant. No little girl thinks her life will ever be full of so much pain and hurt that she cries sad tears when her best friend tells her she's pregnant.

But all those things have been my reality these past few years.

Honestly, the pain has all but disappeared. The longing to experience motherhood is still there, but it's morphed and changed into something not so desperate. I have had many different people tell me that the relationships I have built with high school and college students make me a mom already...and I have really taken that to heart. God put this desire within me to be a mom, but He never said exactly how it was going to look. I've had the joy of being able to experience it in different ways, and I look forward to whatever ways I will be able to experience it in the future.

I look back on old blog posts, old journal entries, old emails to friends...and I honestly don't always recognize that person. She makes my heart sad. She makes me want to wrap my arms around her and tell her to just trust and truly let go...because it's the key to her happiness.

But this past year has been about so much more than learning to be content with my life the way it is.

I've learned that some friendships really do stand the test of time. I've learned that others only last for a season...and sometimes that season can be really long or really short.

I've learned that putting other people's needs before my own is one of the hardest things to do...but it's also one of the most rewarding.

I've learned that date nights and time spent having real conversations with my husband are truly needed...and are not things to take for granted.

I've learned that time really is short...and we waste way too much of it thinking about petty, stupid things that don't matter one bit.

I've learned that sometimes stepping away from situations for a time can really help you see the value in them...and can help you to remember why you were in them in the first place.

I've learned that I need to speak sometimes instead of remaining quiet.

There are so many things that I can't (and won't) share in this space. Things that are far too personal about myself or about the people that I love. But what I can share is that while this year has been very tough...and I've had to do some major relationship mending and had some serious heart adjustments...it's also been one of the most humbling times I've ever experienced.

Every relationship I'm in needs lots of work...as do all relationships in general...but I've learned so much this year about what is important to me, what needs to be cherished, what needs to be let go of, and what just doesn't matter in the long run.

As we quickly approach Christmas...and I'm already starting to get anxious and sad about it almost being over...I can say with a happy heart that I have really tried much harder this year to take the time to quiet myself before the Lord. I missed days on my advent reading and had to catch up...but my heart has continually longed for my time with Him. It's amazing how much of a difference it has made this year.

So while I am no closer to having it all figured out than I was last year, I definitely feel a little more prepared to tackle next year and the challenges it will bring. I am looking forward to Christmas next week and taking the time out to remember why we even do any sort of celebrating this time of year.

I am content. And that is an amazing feeling.

Currently

Today, I'm in need of something a little light-hearted (and it's Monday now, so I think we all might need it).

Wearing: Sweaters, scarves, skinny jeans, and boots! Once the cold weather finally hit here, the temperature dropped significantly. So, I've been trying to keep bundled up and warm. This is my favorite time of year for clothes anyway, because I love layering, I love scarves and boots, and I think all my winter-y clothes are much cuter than the rest of my wardrobe.

Reading: The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. It's been a really good read so far. I also started reading some Harry Potter fan fiction by G. Norman Lippert about Harry's son, James. I haven't gotten too far into it, but it's been a fun read. I'm also reading the #shereadstruth Advent plan and it's been SO good.

Planning: All sorts of Christmas fun! I have some gifts to finish making, and a few more to buy. I also want to go driving around to all the houses with the cool Christmas lights soon. We also have some fun family outings coming up.

Looking forward to: Seeing some good movies this month...The Hobbit and Les Miserables.

Listening to: A lot of Christmas music. If my Pandora app is not on Christmas music, it's been on my Katy Perry station. In my car, I mostly listen to our local radio station that plays Christmas music 24/7 starting the weekend after Thanksgiving. I am also still listening to Mumford and Sons' latest quite a bit.

Watching: All sorts of Christmas movies. We have already watched Elf, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the animated one), Muppet Christmas Carol, and Home Alone. We still need to watch The Grinch (Jim Carrey), The Santa Clause movies, A Charlie Brown Christmas, and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I also really want to watch The Holiday, While You Were Sleeping, and The Preacher's Wife, as those are some of my other favorite movies that have Christmas scenes.
Most of the shows we watch on primetime are off the air until the new year, so we kind of have a little break from our TV watching for a few weeks. But, we are watching Frasier on Netflix, which has been very amusing.

Realizing: Christmas is only 15 days away! This month really does fly by every year.

(I have seen these Currently posts on a lot of my favorite blogs, but Danielle is the genius behind them)

What are you currently up to?

Freak Out

I started to freak out a little today about Christmas.

I went into work and realized that it was already December 4th! How the heck did that happen?

I was sitting there, eating my lunch, telling my friend how I needed to get my Christmas shopping done this week or I was going to go crazy. I told her all about my cute ideas for the gifts I'm making and all the things I need to get done.

And yet I sit here now, having finished my Advent reading for today, seriously wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen this year.

(Our 2012 ornaments from my in-laws)

I really want to savor every moment this December. I want to really think, each and every day, about why we celebrate and what the purpose of this crazy time of year even is.

I was listening to the radio earlier today and this song by Brandon Heath came on. It's called The Night Before Christmas. And I seriously just sat there in my car and let it wash over me. It explains the reason Jesus came in such a beautiful way.

(We decided to use Josh's ornament as a tree topper, since we don't have one)

I don't know why I freaked out earlier. It really doesn't matter if I give people the perfect present. It really doesn't matter how much time or effort I put into the gifts I'm making. It really doesn't matter if I listen to each of my favorite Christmas songs or watch all my favorite Christmas movies this year. It really doesn't matter that half of my Christmas cards came in with some weird lines printed on them and I have to wait a week for the new ones to come.

(My cute hubby by our tree)

None of it matters if I lose sight of the fact that this time of year is supposed to remind me, in such a powerful way, of what my Savior did for each of us. If my Christmas is not about Jesus, then I don't really get it. If my Christmas is more about driving around to look at pretty lights or trying to come up with a cuter way to decorate my house, I've lost the real magic of this season.

(I am a little obsessed with bokeh)

I'm not expecting perfection...and trying so hard to do Christmas right isn't going to help me stay focused, either. But in the moments that I get too caught up in the other stuff, I hope I will be able to remember that none of that really matters without Him.

November Photo a Day

I know I say this every month, but this year has seriously been a blur. I remember last December and all the fun Christmas-related things we did like they were yesterday...and here we are in December again!

I participated in fatmumslim's Photo a Day Challenge again in November. It really has been a great way for me to look back at the end of each month and remember some of the things I did each day.

Here are my pics:

Top row: 1. Something beginning with 'C' - coffee!! 2. Color 3. Breakfast - I rarely ever eat breakfast, so this (and a grilled cheese) was how I broke my "fast" 4. TV - the hubby and I have been watching Frasier on Netflix

Second row: 5. 5 o'clock - doing the dishes 6. A favorite thing - jewelry! 7. Reflection 8. Something I do everyday - put on my ring

Third row: 9. Small - it smells oh so good! 10. Won't live without - Coke and Chapstick 11. Night - watched this in prep for Friday! 12. Drink

Bottom row: 13. Where I slept 14. Man-made - so thankful our heater is working again! 15. In my bag 16. The view from my {car} window

Top row: 17. {One of} the last things I bought 18. Happened this weekend - vegging on the couch, watching Pretty Little Liars from the beginning on Netflix, trying to rest and beat this cold 19. Something awesome - third Coldbuster in three days {gotta beat this cold} 20. Work/play

Second row: 21. What I wore - sweater (American Eagle from a few years ago), cami (Forever 21), jeans (Artist fit, American Eagle), necklace (Jewel Kade - tell your story), mismatched socks 22. Grateful - for my family 23. Black - how I spent part of Black Friday 24. A sound I heard - my husband putting up the lights

Third row: 25. Sky 26. In the cupboard 27. Tree (not mine) 28. Vehicle

Bottom row: 29. Big - my first Scentsy order came in and it was a big one! (I am now an Independent Scentsy Consultant) 30. On the wall - at work

November was definitely a great month! I am looking forward to December and all that it has to bring.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you are having a blessed day with family and friends, reflecting on what you are most thankful for.