This week has been a little crazy...
We found out what my best friend's baby is going to be!! It was so exciting to be able to share in the joy of their new baby girl :) I am already looking at cute outfits to buy her :)
I turned 25 on Thursday. I didn't know what to expect from 25, but I soon found out...
My mom called me in the morning and asked if I wanted to go out to lunch. I got ready and waited for her to call to say she was on her way. When she called, she didn't have very good news...
My uncle took antifreeze on Wednesday night. He was rushed to the hospital on Thursday morning, but he had been unconscious for quite a while before that. The doctors said things were not looking very good and did not expect him to make it through the night.
He made it through the night...but his journey has been and will continue to be rough. They took him to another hospital and gave a couple of dialysis treatments. He is starting to respond a little, but it's still too early to tell what the effects of the antifreeze are truly going to have on him.
So, instead of going to lunch, we went to the hospital and spent time with family. We canceled our college group and stayed available for family.
I had plans to go out with friends on Friday night for my birthday. I was feeling like I should cancel after everything that happened on Thursday, but my aunt told me that I needed to do it. She told me I deserved to have a little fun for my birthday. I am really glad that I didn't cancel. I needed that time to watch a silly movie and eat cake and have a good time with some of my greatest friends.
But the thing is...I don't feel 25. I don't feel like I just celebrated my birthday. I just feel...weird. I don't know if it's because of the emotional roller coaster I just went through this last week or what, but I just feel...kind of like I'm going through the motions. We had a family celebration for my birthday today and I just felt kind of blah. Josh and I got everything ready, made sure everything was clean and presentable, but I just felt...out of place. It felt like everyone else was more excited for my birthday and about celebrating than I was. I was so exhausted when everyone left. I was falling asleep on the couch at 5pm. I mustered up the energy to go to church tonight and still felt like I was kind of just there...but not really. I don't know when this feeling is going to go away...or really why it's even here...but I don't like it very much at all... I guess I just didn't expect 25 would feel like this. Then again, I don't know what I thought 25 would feel like...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Prayer
I have really been struggling with prayer lately...
It's not that I don't pray. I do...occasionally. I do when a need arises. I do when I am getting frustrated or worried or scared. I do when I don't know where else to turn. But, I don't think I truly understand what it means in 1 Thessalonians 5 where it says, "Pray continually".
I understand the concept. I understand that it means I need to live my life in a constant state of prayer. Where everything I say and do, I am speaking to God and asking for His guidance, will, and direction. Where I'm pleading on behalf of those around me who are struggling. Where I am praising my God for the blessings He's putting in front of me. I understand the concept...but I don't think I've ever truly put it into practice.
I think it's precious when little ones pray before meals or pray before they go to bed at night. And, I think it's so important that they learn how to talk to God when they are young. Unfortunately, I think many times we all continue to live our lives only praying that way. I know every time Josh and I sit down to dinner together, we pray before we eat. But, we aren't praying every time we go out to eat or every time we grab a snack. We aren't always thanking God for the food we eat before we eat it. It's almost like a routine for us, a habit we've had since we were little; that we only think to pray when we are having a formal meal together. It doesn't mean that I'm any less thankful for the food, but it means that I don't truly understand how to live my life praying continually.
I hate the fact that I don't stop and pray for someone every time they ask for it. I will get a text or an e-mail, asking for prayer, and many times I don't stop what I'm doing to pray for it. Why is that? Why do I only remember to pray for others when I'm at church or at Bible study and someone else brings them up? Why am I so unwilling most of the time to take a moment in my day to pray for someone?
We are going through a new series in church on the book of Philemon. We went through the first 7 verses of this very short book on Sunday. It hit me during the message that I really need to learn to stop and take the time to pray for others. Again, it's not that I don't...I just don't always do it as often as I should. But beyond that, to pray for them even when they haven't asked for it. It blows me away to know that the senior pastor at my church prays for each and every person by name that fills out a connection card at Calvary. That's a good 1000 people! It got me thinking that if he can take the time out of his busy schedule to pray for 1000 people every month, I can certainly pray for all of my family and friends as well. And, not even just that I can, but I truly want to now. I truly want to lift up those around me. I know they go through stuff just like I do, but I don't always know when and what they are going through. I don't want to only lift them up when I know something is wrong, I want to lift them up every opportunity I get.
I also just want to be a better encourager. I have many amazing people in my life that send me encouraging texts or emails quite frequently and I am so grateful for them. I want to be a better encourager. I want God to put specific people on my heart that need to be encouraged. I want to be a better servant of Christ. I want to be more like Him in every aspect of my life. I know it's going to be hard and I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I want to wake up every day with a desire to pray for and encourage those around me to keep going on this walk. To keep looking up to God for direction and wisdom. To keep seeking His will. I don't want to learn more about Him to keep it to myself. I want to learn more to share it with others and encourage them to walk closer to Him. That is my prayer for today.
It's not that I don't pray. I do...occasionally. I do when a need arises. I do when I am getting frustrated or worried or scared. I do when I don't know where else to turn. But, I don't think I truly understand what it means in 1 Thessalonians 5 where it says, "Pray continually".
I understand the concept. I understand that it means I need to live my life in a constant state of prayer. Where everything I say and do, I am speaking to God and asking for His guidance, will, and direction. Where I'm pleading on behalf of those around me who are struggling. Where I am praising my God for the blessings He's putting in front of me. I understand the concept...but I don't think I've ever truly put it into practice.
I think it's precious when little ones pray before meals or pray before they go to bed at night. And, I think it's so important that they learn how to talk to God when they are young. Unfortunately, I think many times we all continue to live our lives only praying that way. I know every time Josh and I sit down to dinner together, we pray before we eat. But, we aren't praying every time we go out to eat or every time we grab a snack. We aren't always thanking God for the food we eat before we eat it. It's almost like a routine for us, a habit we've had since we were little; that we only think to pray when we are having a formal meal together. It doesn't mean that I'm any less thankful for the food, but it means that I don't truly understand how to live my life praying continually.
I hate the fact that I don't stop and pray for someone every time they ask for it. I will get a text or an e-mail, asking for prayer, and many times I don't stop what I'm doing to pray for it. Why is that? Why do I only remember to pray for others when I'm at church or at Bible study and someone else brings them up? Why am I so unwilling most of the time to take a moment in my day to pray for someone?
We are going through a new series in church on the book of Philemon. We went through the first 7 verses of this very short book on Sunday. It hit me during the message that I really need to learn to stop and take the time to pray for others. Again, it's not that I don't...I just don't always do it as often as I should. But beyond that, to pray for them even when they haven't asked for it. It blows me away to know that the senior pastor at my church prays for each and every person by name that fills out a connection card at Calvary. That's a good 1000 people! It got me thinking that if he can take the time out of his busy schedule to pray for 1000 people every month, I can certainly pray for all of my family and friends as well. And, not even just that I can, but I truly want to now. I truly want to lift up those around me. I know they go through stuff just like I do, but I don't always know when and what they are going through. I don't want to only lift them up when I know something is wrong, I want to lift them up every opportunity I get.
I also just want to be a better encourager. I have many amazing people in my life that send me encouraging texts or emails quite frequently and I am so grateful for them. I want to be a better encourager. I want God to put specific people on my heart that need to be encouraged. I want to be a better servant of Christ. I want to be more like Him in every aspect of my life. I know it's going to be hard and I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I want to wake up every day with a desire to pray for and encourage those around me to keep going on this walk. To keep looking up to God for direction and wisdom. To keep seeking His will. I don't want to learn more about Him to keep it to myself. I want to learn more to share it with others and encourage them to walk closer to Him. That is my prayer for today.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
So this is the new year...
Yep, it's almost here. So weird to think that we are heading into 2010...
I have been thinking a lot about this past year...looking through all the pictures of all the stuff we've done this year.
Two trips to Disneyland...
a sister trip to Monterey and two trips to LA to see the best friend...
a fun-filled Santa Cruz girls weekend for a friend's birthday...
many family and friend birthday celebrations...
five weddings (two of which were siblings' weddings)...
graduations of great friends...
a fun beach trip with family...
the Women of Faith conference...
our 1st wedding anniversary and celebration of being together for four years...
babies being born and conceived...
moving into a new place and rejoicing with other family and friends who moved into bigger places...
the blessing of new jobs and restored jobs for family and friends...
So many amazing things happened in 2009.
It's definitely had it's rough moments, but as I look back, all I see are the good times we've had. I am looking ahead to 2010 with great anticipation. I know many of the wonderful things we were able to enjoy this year will repeat in the new year...
More friends are getting married, having babies, and moving into new homes. We will have more birthday celebrations and graduations to attend. We will celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary and five years of being together. But most importantly, we will be given the opportunity to wake up each morning and praise our Savior for the many blessings He's given us and the ones to come.
2010, you are going to be a GREAT year!!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Be Still
I feel like I just experienced one of the toughest, but most amazing weeks in my life. This time on Sunday night, I never would have thought I would feel the way I do this very moment. I am probably going to have a really hard time putting it all into words, but here goes...
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...
1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.
I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!
Sunday night was a hard night for me. The service at church was amazing and spoke volumes to me. I was so excited about it! It was hard for me to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment in time. But, that wasn't even the hard part...
My heart was so broken after church. I can't describe the place I was in or even why. It's far too personal for a public blog. But, I was so hurt. I was questioning God, I was questioning myself, I was questioning everyone around me and everything about my life that brought me to this place. But, as hurt as I was, I just felt numb. I cried...oh yes, I definitely shed some tears...but it wasn't because of the pain. It was because that's what you do when you're sad. It's not that I forced myself to cry. Not in the least. The tears just sort of came. I just didn't have much emotion at all. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to have words to express what was going on inside of me. But, the problem was, nothing really was. I had no words to say, no emotions, nothing. I just felt...numb...it's the only word that works. And, that scared me more than anything. I don't think I have ever felt that way before in my life. I don't think I have ever not FELT some sort of emotion in any given situation. I just felt like I was doing things automatically, because that's what I should do, not because I was controlling what I was doing. It was almost an out of body experience. But, it wasn't all creepy like it sounds. It's just so hard to find words to explain how it felt to feel NOTHING.
I pretty much felt this way all day on Monday and most of the day on Tuesday. I just couldn't shake the nothingness. I knew I should be crying or praying or throwing things or doing something, anything, to get it all out, but I couldn't. It was just so weird.
I started feeling something on Wednesday night. Driving home from Bible study, I felt like my emotions were coming back...and so did my words. All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to express feelings again. Words came out, the hurt came out, and so did more tears. All the while, I just couldn't pray. I don't know why, but I just felt like I couldn't talk to God at all, even though I knew I should. I just couldn't do it. Even though it felt good to finally FEEL something again, I didn't feel any better about myself.
I went through the motions all day on Thursday. I tried to put on a happy face. I tried my best to cover up this aching feeling inside of me that things still weren't ok. I would think about praying or reading my Bible, and then I would push the thoughts out of my head. I just couldn't do it. So, I distracted myself with whatever I could find...Facebook, TV, cleaning, eating. I just didn't want to face the fact that the only One who could make it all better was God.
So, in the midst of all of this, I left for Women of Faith on Friday morning. I finally did pray before I left, asking God, "If You want to speak to me this weekend, please make it clear". It was all I could pray. I didn't know what to expect at the conference, and honestly, I didn't really expect a whole lot. I figured there would be some cool worship songs and maybe a couple of interesting speakers and then it would all be over and I could go home...and keep ignoring everything. Boy, was I in for a shocker...
I don't even know if I can put into words all that happened this weekend. I KNOW with 100% certainty that I was supposed to be at that conference. I also know that it was no coincidence that it fell on this weekend, after the week that I had. God had a LOT to say to me...through the speakers, through the worship, and through the songs the Christian artists sang in their concerts. Not only did He speak to me about my week and all that had gone on with my feelings, but He spoke to me about another thing I was fighting so hard against. I felt like everything the speakers talked about was meant for me and only me. Now, I know, in reality, that many of the women in that conference felt very similar to me...like they just couldn't turn to God, fearful, nervous, like they were failures...but it all just spoke so much to me that I truly feel like there was no better place I could have been this weekend.
One of the speakers REALLY touched my heart. She shared a story of how hurt she was about a situation in her life and how numb she began to feel about it after awhile. About how there was no more laughter or smiling in her home and how she didn't even realize it...all because of the way she was feeling. She shared Psalm 46:10 with us: "Be still, and know that I am God..." She said that "be still" translated from the Hebrew literally meant "let go". And, when she said that, I knew that God wanted me to hear that...and hang onto it. He knew I was holding on to all of this stuff inside of me that I did not need to carry on my own. He knew that all my fears and nervousness were the result of me not relying on Him. He knew that all the nothingness I had felt was my defense for dealing with the pain, because I wouldn't turn to Him for help. And, He wanted me to let it all go...
I know this is all very vague, but I really just left this weekend TRULY BELIEVING in a couple of very important truths...
1. My Savior wants to hold me in His arms and never let me go
2. I CAN'T live my life on my own. I CAN'T keep holding onto all these burdens and fears. I HAVE to give them up to Him on a regular basis and NOT take them back.
3. I have to let go and trust Him. He has a plan for me and my biggest fear is NOT going to come true...He told me that very clearly (which I will not be sharing here. Someday, I will. But, for now, it's just enough to say that I do not have to fear it happening anymore).
4. None of this is going to happen overnight. God wants to work on me, but it is going to take time. I have to continually surrender myself to Him, because I know He is mighty to save.
I feel so much more alive than I have felt in a long time. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God truly works all things together for my good. I can't wait to look back on this blog entry someday and see where I came from and how far I've come. God is so good!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)