Discipline

I decided to pick up my Bible tonight to start on the reading for my Bible study.
(I haven't really picked up my Bible to sit down and read it for a couple of weeks now...and that makes me sad)
As I was reading through Hebrews 12, my eyes started to well up with tears. Read it for yourself:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (go read Hebrews 11 if you don't know what this is referring to), let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who also endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
(Get ready for the kicker)
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." (this is found in Proverbs 3:11-12 as well) (vs. 1-6)

I'm just going to stop there for a minute and allow you to soak that in. Re-read it if you need to.

Here's the part that really made me cry:
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," (Proverbs 4:26) so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. (vs. 7-13)

As I was reading this, welling up with tears, God brought to my mind the struggles I've had with infertility this year...and the fact that I didn't trust and kept trying to make things happen my way. I felt like God was punishing me, by not allowing me to get pregnant. And guess what? I'm thinking now that maybe He was. Would I have gotten pregnant if I had trusted more? It's possible. But, that's not the point. The point is, I didn't trust Him...I didn't want to follow His plan and lean on Him for strength...I wanted to do things alone. And, it took me feeling helpless and alone and finally giving up all those times to realize I couldn't do it without Him. And now, that I feel like I have endured a lot of discipline this year, I am starting to see the part described in verse 11:
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
I do feel at peace. I do feel like trusting God is the right way...the best way...to go through this battle.
I don't know many people that like to think about God's wrath very much. I think a lot of times, we tend to think of God's wrath as being an "Old Testament" thing. And yet, it's not. God is a God of wrath...but also a God of love. How do these two seemingly contradicting attributes go with the same God? Simple. We all deserve the wrath of God. All of us. There is not one of us that hasn't sinned, hasn't fallen short, hasn't done something to deserve death. Yet, God offers us His love and forgiveness, through His Son, Jesus Christ. Does that mean He won't pour His wrath out on us? Not necessarily. There is still a consequence for the sins we've committed. There are still residual effects of the things we've done. And, we will still have to answer for them someday. Yet, God still loves us, and in all things, works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
Discipline is good. It is not always pleasant. It is not always fun. Most of the time, it just plain sucks. But, it's always best. It's always meant to help us and not to harm us. My parents disciplined me when I lived at home. I may not have always understood it at the time...or even agreed with it...but it was always to help me to see that what I was doing was wrong...or that I was going to hurt myself in the long run by doing it. I hated having a curfew and not being able to do certain things...but you know what? I appreciate it now. Now that I am out of the house and can see why my parents did the things they did...it all makes sense. They just wanted to keep me safe...and in one piece...because of their love for me. Not to stifle me, not to keep me from growing up...to keep me safe. That is all God wants for us, too. He wants to keep us safe and to keep us with Him...so the things of this world will not entice us and make us turn away from Him.
I hated the discipline I had to endure this year. I had many very painful days and nights. But you know what? They helped me get back on track...back on the path God wanted me to be on. A path of trusting God and letting Him have control of my life. And, let me tell you...this path is worth all the discipline in the world.