Some good, some bad.
I see the times in my life that I was genuinely happy with my lot and with where God had me...
And I see the times that I seriously wondered if God cared about me at all, because He obviously didn't want me to be happy in life.
A beautiful blogger that I recently discovered just finished sharing her own infertility story on her blog this week.
And, as I read her words, I saw so much of myself in them.
The hurt, the longing, the determination to make it happen when I wanted it to...and then the switch...the brokenness, the crying out to God, the trusting, and the truly letting go.
I have plenty of good days and bad days. This year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.
But, one thing has always remained: God is still faithful and He's still trying to get me to stop and listen to Him more.
He spoke loud and clear to me during the message at church this week.
He's been speaking to me a lot through the Bible study I've been doing with a few friends.
He's continuing to speak to me through various conversations I've had with amazing people.
And yet, I still have a hard time listening.
I hear it...boy, do I ever hear it...but I still have a hard time really letting those words sink in.
For so many months, my heart was focused on one thing...and that one thing wasn't my Savior.
Because of that, it's been a hard process trying to train myself to focus back on the One who really matters most.
But I'm still trying.
I'm still seeking Him, and I'm still determined to live my life better for Him...I just know I can't do it without asking for His help and for His strength.
At the women's conference my church had a few weeks back, the speaker kept talking about how we have in us the power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead.
I know that's true...but I definitely don't utilize that power very often. I don't ask for God to move in me with that power very much. I don't ask for that power to change a situation in my life.
But I should.
So, I'm still a mess, a work in progress, a girl who desperately wants to trust Jesus with her whole heart and with her whole life...
I may not be there yet...but I'm working my way toward it...
And, thank God that He hasn't given up on me yet.
1 comment:
I am so glad I read this and can't wait to read more of your story and what God is teaching you. Going through our infertility these last two years has been so hard. But it also has changed my relationship with God. and you are so right - my focus so much of the time is on my desire for a baby and not on my longing for God. thank you for sharing your heart and I'm sorry that you are in this struggle. It is so hard.
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