Life Lately

The hubby and I took a little trip this week.

I always enjoy it when we are able to spend time together out of our normal routines.

Here are a few pics from our trip:

(Fisherman's Wharf!)

 (My husband hates Laughing Sal. At least this one wasn't laughing)

 (Playing some of the old arcade games)

 (And you thought we were short before)

 (Lunch at a yummy Irish pub)

 (Apparently dogs need high end clothing)

(Ghiradelli Square)

 (My hubby the pirate - who was kind enough to carry around my purse for a while)

 (AT&T Park - home of the Giants! We didn't go to the game, though. We just wanted to visit the stadium)

 (We had a fun day!)

Some other recent happenings:

We finally decided on our Halloween costumes for this year...and I must admit, I am REALLY excited about them. But, it's a surprise, so you will have to wait until after Halloween to find out what they are.

I have spent more time watching baseball games in the last few weeks than I have in the last couple of years. My team made it to the playoffs, but they are out now. My hubby's favorite team (go Giants!) is in the World Series, so we've been watching a lot of baseball. It's been fun, though. I'm enjoying it.

We have also been spending a lot of time with our precious niece. She is getting so big and is starting to take steps! We got to watch her take four steps this weekend. It was so much fun. She makes both of our hearts very happy.

(Such a happy girl)

 (She loves taking pictures)

I'm also getting really excited for the holidays. We have some fun things planned already. It's gonna be great!

I'm also getting ready to embark on a new adventure that I am really happy about. I will share some more details when it becomes more final.

How has your life been lately?

Just Being Real

I feel the need to be a little real here today.

As this year has had its share of ups and downs, my heart has had some ups and downs, too.

Sometimes I'm really ashamed to think of the things I've said, or the thoughts I've had, or the ways I've reacted in certain situations.

My heart has been a little ugly this year.

In the Bible study I've been doing this fall, we've been learning how to better handle life's disappointments. This past week's chapter was on being meek in the midst of stressful situations.

I, like some of the other women in the group, used to think of meekness as being weak or timid or quiet...almost mouse-like...when in reality, it's more of a humble attitude.

As you probably know, I'm kind of a control freak. I like to have my ducks in a row, and I like to be the one who arranges them. I have a hard time submitting and letting someone else have control. I have an especially hard time letting God have control.

And, one thing I've learned about this control issue of mine is that it's pretty much a pride issue. I want things done my way because "I know best" or "I know how I want it done" or "I will do a better job of it than you will".

I don't like admitting I'm prideful, but there's no other way to say it. You can't sugarcoat this stuff.

So, for someone like me, meekness is a hard thing to walk out. I don't want to be gentle and humble...at least, not all the time. I want to be able to react to situations the way I want to...

I...I...I...

Ugh.

I know that we all have emotions and feelings. I know that as women, it's easy to justify our actions because of the way we feel in certain situations.

But the truth of the matter is, God calls us to a higher standard...and He wants us to be meek in the midst of our situations.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart (the KJV says, for I am meek and lowly in heart), and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

Our perfect example was meek in the midst of every situation He lived through...so why is it so hard for us to be meek?

Because we let our pride get in the way.

I don't know about you, but I don't want my heart to be filled with all this ugliness anymore...

Awake

As I look back on the last three and a half years, I see a lot of different things.

Some good, some bad.

I see the times in my life that I was genuinely happy with my lot and with where God had me...

And I see the times that I seriously wondered if God cared about me at all, because He obviously didn't want me to be happy in life.

A beautiful blogger that I recently discovered just finished sharing her own infertility story on her blog this week.

And, as I read her words, I saw so much of myself in them.

The hurt, the longing, the determination to make it happen when I wanted it to...and then the switch...the brokenness, the crying out to God, the trusting, and the truly letting go.

I have plenty of good days and bad days. This year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

But, one thing has always remained: God is still faithful and He's still trying to get me to stop and listen to Him more.

He spoke loud and clear to me during the message at church this week.

He's been speaking to me a lot through the Bible study I've been doing with a few friends.

He's continuing to speak to me through various conversations I've had with amazing people.

And yet, I still have a hard time listening.

I hear it...boy, do I ever hear it...but I still have a hard time really letting those words sink in.

For so many months, my heart was focused on one thing...and that one thing wasn't my Savior.

Because of that, it's been a hard process trying to train myself to focus back on the One who really matters most.

But I'm still trying.

I'm still seeking Him, and I'm still determined to live my life better for Him...I just know I can't do it without asking for His help and for His strength.

At the women's conference my church had a few weeks back, the speaker kept talking about how we have in us the power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead.

I know that's true...but I definitely don't utilize that power very often. I don't ask for God to move in me with that power very much. I don't ask for that power to change a situation in my life.

But I should.

So, I'm still a mess, a work in progress, a girl who desperately wants to trust Jesus with her whole heart and with her whole life...

I may not be there yet...but I'm working my way toward it...

And, thank God that He hasn't given up on me yet.

The Need for Balance

I have been thinking a lot lately about my heart for this blog and my need for balance.

About a year ago, I sensed major change coming in my life. And it came...and it came...and it came again.

I have been experiencing a lot of change this past year.

Things I never would have expected to happen in my heart have been happening.

And yet, I know there is still that part of me that holds back, that doesn't want to embrace the changes, because I'm too comfortable where I'm at.

I started singing on the worship team at church again, after taking almost a year off. When I first stopped singing, it was kind of nice. My schedule was a lot more free, I didn't feel like I had to be anywhere on Sundays anymore, and I just felt a little relieved, to be honest. I really didn't see myself going back to it. And yet, God called me back. He spoke through a few different people in my life and made it very clear that He wanted me in that role again.

And honestly? It's been a huge blessing.

But, that is only one change I've had to deal with...and that one was pretty painless compared to some of the others.

For someone who has experienced a lot of disappointment and faced the reality that many of my dreams may not turn out the way I hoped, change can be very difficult.

Yet in everything I've been studying, or hearing from other people, or reading about, one thing keeps coming up: life will bring disappointments, I have to make a choice how I'm going to respond to them, and I can't get through them without God's help.

My church hosted a women's conference a few weeks ago. The woman who spoke was a.maz.ing. It was very apparent to me (as well as to every other woman in that room I am sure), that she was speaking God's words that day. Everyone I talked to felt like God was speaking directly to them with the words she was saying. It was that spot on. I honestly had never experienced that in such a powerful way before.

The craziest part? The things she spoke on lined up exactly with what my women's Bible study was going over that week. Taking thoughts captive and not allowing lies and the negative things we tend to believe about ourselves take root. Acknowledging that those thoughts are not of God and learning how to refute them and how to not allow them to creep in so easily. It was so good and so needed.

The part that spoke directly to me was hard to hear, but it made so much sense to me. She made a statement that maybe God is not giving you what you want because you would be satisfied with that and not with Him.

Ouch.

And yet, I know it's true for me. With as many months as it's been since I first longed for a baby, and in spite of all the ways I've grown and all the things I've learned in this process, I know myself...and God knows me, too. I would lose sight of Him. Oh, I would be really happy at first and I would be thanking Him all the time. But how quickly would that fade when that little person came into this world and I had everything that I have been wanting for so long? Would I really need God anymore at that point?

It's really hard for me to type that out, but I'm just being honest. I know my personality and I know I would probably lose sight of God pretty quickly in the midst of all of that. Not that I would completely turn my back and never follow Him again...but He would definitely be a lot lower on the totem pole.

(this picture makes my heart melt)

My heart for this blog for the last few years has been to share my story...all the good, the bad, and the ugly...because maybe God will use my words to speak to one of you. Maybe the things I've gone through or the things I'm still struggling with will encourage you to walk closer to Him and to trust Him more.

That is still my heart.

I've just realized this past year that I need a lot more balance in my life. It's really easy to get caught up in this blog world and lose sight of the people that are right in front of you. I could easily spend hours each day reading blog post after blog post, emailing different bloggers back and forth, and writing post after post after post. And, there is nothing wrong with that...it just doesn't work for me. My husband needs more of my attention, my real life friends need to connect with me and I need to connect with them, my family needs to see my face and hear my voice, and most importantly, I need to spend quality time with my God.

So while I will still be here and I will still share my heart, my encouragement to myself, as well as to all of you, is to spend time with those that are important. I need a hug just like the next girl, and unfortunately, those don't come through the computer screen. I know I can still be a blogger and be a part of those important relationships in my life: it just takes a willingness to make both happen.

And, I promise you...I am willing and ready to do both...and to do them to the best of my ability.

One

My beautiful, precious niece turned a year old last month.

The same little beauty that was born with a bit of a struggle.

Remembering how little she was when she was born, as well as the weeks that followed...I can't believe how big she is now.

For someone who was born at just over 5 lbs. to be wearing 18 month clothes on her first birthday...it brings tears to my eyes.

God kept His hand on her and on my sister-in-law throughout the entire pregnancy and the weeks and months that followed.

And He is still taking care of them today.

It's such a beautiful picture of faithfulness.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day she was able to come home from the hospital and be reunited with her family.

I've just been overwhelmed at the emotions that have come back to the surface regarding this time last year. But overwhelmed in a good way...

God continues to prove how much He loves and cares for us. All I have to do is look at my precious niece and I see the evidence of that.